Rough Notes
Post 1: I enjoy the idea of starting a thread with a poem - even did it myself once. I liked the poem; I'm not used to criticizing poetry, but I do feel like it could have used a bit more attention. Any time you are using very few words, those words should be carefully considered, and I can point out a couple of changes that would have made it better from a purely technical point of view. The third line of the first stanza should read "Carry away my thoughts" not "Carries," in order to be grammatically correct. The second line of the third stanza would read much more powerfully as "Dying slowly upon the horizon", putting the verb in a position of power and giving more value to "slowly". Overall though it was an illustrative poem with a good cadence.
The paragraph following was equally strong, as a piece of description. However, it did not provide much of a narrative hook, and in fact it caused some confusion due to the use of second person. If you decide to continue experimenting with this point of view I might recommend getting it up front a bit more, using a "your" closer to the beginning so it doesn't come as a surprise. If switching from first to second person mid-post was an intentional risk, I applaud you for it, but I don't feel it benefitted the writing.
cobbles stones = cobblestones
Post 2: disease sprung up = disease sprang up
...spider queen's energies followed out = energies flowed out
I really feel like this post could have used... something more. I wanted some information on the narrator; all I got was that she was a girl or young woman who suffered at the hands of a militia. It would have been nice to have some detail of her life prior to this, so that the reader could connect emotionally with the loss of innocence and corruption coming from her relationship with Talen.
Post 3: Two problems with your opening simile; I'm fairly certain that cotton and wool are two separate things (cotton is a plant, wool comes from animals) and neither are particularly hollow. This sounded cool, but a second after I read it I stopped and went "wait, what?". Be certain that your comparisons make sense in some way.
foot falls = footfalls
"My shoes were good" - in what way? Describing the materials and the make could have been interesting.
Rather than saying it was "very, very cold", this could have been a great spot for a metaphor. Using 'very' is a phony intensifier at best. Using it twice is even phonier.
Avoid starting sentences with "Yet,", this one would have read better without it.
non-descript = nondescript
Icy clung = ice clung (I'm guessing)
decrepid = decrepit
I caught one of their eyes, remembering myself looked away hurriedly = I caught one of their eyes, and remembering myself, looked away hurriedly.
Talen seem unimpressed = Talen seemed
No need to capitalize "Orcs", much like you wouldn't capitalize humans.
Nice description of the orcs and goblins.
Post 4: No need to capitalize Drow (same as above)
lent = leaned
... of which the Drow liberated a few of the into... - there's a word missing here, but I'm not sure what it is. Coins, maybe?
If the proper name is "order of the Crimson Cloak" then Order should be capitalized.
adamantium = adamantine
me chest = my chest
At this point in the story, I still find myself wanting more information on the narrator. The comment "This was my life now" reminded me that I don't know anything about where she come from, or any details about what she's been going through recently.
Post 5: Good transition to the perspective of the new characters.
drink. out on a table = drink, out on a table
Humans taken anything = Humans take anything
Interesting way of expressing the gobbledygook. I have a feeling it could become cumbersome in lengthier dialogues, so I might recommend doing a line or two this way and then switching to the translation along with "said in gobbledygook," or some such.
Post 6: Should read "At sunrise the next day," or even better, "We set out at sunrise the next day."
Why is traveling by horse her least favorite method? This would have been a great spot for a little more detail.
Out thick cloaks = Our thick cloaks
The switch to Seph's perspective was fairly sudden and surprising - writing a bit more here might have helped ease the reader into the change.
Post 7: Talen pushed passed = Talen pushed past
fed over the years by of water and dirt - unnecessary "of"
completely ignored = completely ignoring
"even with the touch of doubt..." this was a nice simile, but the sentence you used it in was a bit busy, muddying the word picture.
Post 8: A figured = A figure
I'll be honest, I had to re-read the first couple paragraphs of this post in order to get an idea of what was going on, and I'm still not a hundred per cent clear on that. Be really careful with sudden scene transitions like this, and throw the reader a bone by providing some more information.
nothing to brace ourselves against, all we could do was try to brace ourselves and wait. - Using "brace ourselves" twice in the same sentence is repetitive and reminds me that I'm reading a story.
Moments seem to stretch = Moments seemed to stretch
a metre of so = a meter or so
Post 9: white binds = white bonds
"Everything hurt, and what didn't was numb." - try to avoid contradicting yourself like this, it's confusing for the reader.
Just after the switch to Seph's perspective "cleared away the moss and dirt" gets repeated from one sentence to the next. Really try to work on getting rid of these repetitions.
His feel = his feet
The ending of this post seemed awkward and out of place. More than halfway into a thread is not the best time to start providing character background.
Post 10: "I couldn't think, all I could do was think about my Lord..." as before, try to avoid having the narrator contradict herself like this.
one moment dragging out = one moment dragged out
attemopting = attempting
The final action here was confusing because when donning a cloak, you don't pull it over your head.
Post 11: Saying "Ana paced backwards and forwards" makes it sound like she is actually walking backwards half the time. Saying "Ana paced restlessly" or "Ana paced back and forth" would have worked better.
Ana's shout made no sense to me, I don't understand why she shouted or what about.
"Sound an Alert!" - no need to capitalize Alert
draws = drawers
the door started banging - this doesn't really make sense. It could have worked better as "the door shook beneath the banging" or some such.
draws = drawers
The next Seph caught his arm as he entered - this is a very awkward sentence and begs to be split into multiple smaller sentences.
Post 13: The description of action at the beginning of this post is a little straightforward and repetitive. For example, you used the word green to describe the goblins three times in as many sentences.
passed = past
Were the goblins throwing daggers at Ana? It was difficult to tell, "unleashed" is not a particularly descriptive verb and you used it twice to describe the same action.
It seemed odd that Aisgust was yelling to restrain Ana, and then stabbed her.
Post 15: at the form he has played a part = at the form he had played a part
Ana's wordless outbursts are fairly offputing, I would recommend using descriptive language for such outcries in the future (ex. instead of "YAAAAAH", "she screamed brokenheartedly."
Post 16: Opening sentence is missing a verb, perhaps "casting" would have worked
rouge = rogue
I had kind of forgotten about the earthen fists at this point, keeping them more present could have been helpful.
Roaring "Fuck! Fuck!" (or anything for that matter) after being smashed so hard in the chest he skidded backwards, seems unlikely for Seph. He could have maybe panted it, or gasped the same.
swords blade = sword's blade
Again, the "Aaaahhh!" doesn't really add anything to the moment. Starting the sentence "Ana screeched as dozens..." would have been stronger.