Second Opinion a la Shadowed

So, Saxon mentioned in another thread that he wasn't getting any constructive criticism, despite several comments in the negative about his posts. I offered to fully critique his posts from this round; he agreed. I did so, sent it to him, and all was dandy. I have his permission to post my judgment here. But before I do that...

I understand that a lot of threads either aren't given much attention due to a default, or the judgments don't go quite in-depth enough to satisfy everyone. I've been writing for a damn long time, and have gotten rather good at it, if I do say so myself. As such, I'm offering to go through and critique posts for people in the ToC. Now, granted, if I progress to the next round, I'll be a bit slower in doing this. Similarly, I'll request no more than three posts be offered for a critique, unless the difference is small and would round out a thread.

In regard to Saxon, I largely focused on writing mechanics, as I noticed a number of them. However, if you should decide you want a second opinion, please follow this form:

Thread/posts (With link, please)

Select one of the following:
Mechanics critique
Judgment using the ToC rubric
Other (Specify)

If you agree to let me post this judgment publicly or not.



I'll get back to you as soon as I can with the judgment. And, as a warning, I am absolutely brutal when I give a fair critique. If you can't handle excessive criticism, I suggest you keep walking. While I don't intend to offend anybody with my comments, I won't hold back; if it sounds like shit, I'll tell you it sounds like shit. And with that said, here's Saxon's critique.



All right, so I’m going to copy down everything you’ve written, and interject with commentary directly as I go. The commentary will be bolded to make it easier to find. After that, I’ll sum up any additional thoughts.



After what seemed like an eternity, Brom awoke to the crash of thunder and the pitter patter(Hyphenate this if you want to keep it, but it doesn’t sound very good. I’m a fan of small, limited sound effects in writing, and only when they’re not offered in a slang-type fashion from the narrator.) of rain upon his scarred face. Before his vision or even his memory (Interjecting with ‘or even his memory’ doesn’t sound very good. It strikes me as unnecessary, poor writing, and ultimately a waste of focus, as it detracts from the point of the sentence.) of what had happened could return, his stomach clearly had other ideas. Turning immediately on his side, Brom vomited. It was never a pleasant experience, but it was something the warrior quickly got over. (This and the previous sentence: short sentences like these should be combined whenever possible, as the breaks are both unnecessary and annoying.) Turning away from his puddle of sick that was quickly being washed away by the storm; he struggled to get up but eventually got to his feet. (wat. First, ‘puddle of sick’? Maybe you mean ‘puddle of sickness’…but even that sounds terrible. Use a more scientific word, such as ‘vomit’. Second, ‘was quickly being washed away’ is heavy on the passive voice. Always, always, always avoid passive voice when writing. Third, your use of a semicolon was entirely wrong. That should be a comma, nothing else. Fourth, the latter half of that sentence, the ‘but eventually got to his feet’ is frankly terrible writing, from a mechanics point of view, and a literal sense. You have him struggling to get up, which is fine. It’s the ‘but’ that doesn’t work, as ‘but’ means that something different happens. All that you say is that he succeeded in doing what he struggled to do, which means ‘but’ is entirely the wrong coordinating conjunction. Even beyond that, the two parts from the semicolon are redundant.)

With a head full of cotton (wat) and completely soaked by the rain, Brom balanced himself against the upturned rocks that acted as his only cover. (What rocks? You’re writing this as if we know there are rocks nearby. A better way of phrasing it would be “against several upturned rocks, which sat next to where he found himself” or some such thing. Anything to give them a place in the world.) Rubbing his head as he tried to get the lay of the land, Brom noticed for the first time that his mask was gone. Finding it near the edge of the rocky outcrop, he picked it up and turned it in his hands, something beginning to tug upon the Salvarian's memory. (Starting at the last comma, your grammar takes a turn for the shitty. For one thing, you need a coordinating conjunction there, in this case likely ‘as’. But second, your tense is a bit shifty; you use words like ‘turned’ right before that, implying past-tense. Yet ‘beginning’ implies present tense. Rewording it to “as something began to tug…” would sound immensely better. Always watch your tense!)

"What am I forgetting?" He rumbled. As he tried to fish out that memory (‘Fish out’ – again, watch the slang-y terminology.), he caught a glimpse of a metal cage opening its doors, and how important it was that somebody was inside. (Huh? ‘How important it was that somebody was inside’? I’m trying to make sense of that, and not succeeding.) He felt completely surrounded and a feeling of anger was building within him. (This sentence is absolutely terrible. For one thing, you need something to break it up; reword it, throw in a comma, and try again.) As Brom tried to remember more all he could see was the same scene again and again being washed away in a flash of white. (“Again and again” – sounds like shit. Similarly, ‘tried to remember more’ sounds horrible. More what? You have to describe things like this.) And then.. nothing.

Whatever had happened, it was gone now. Almost as if part of the memory had not only been removed, but plucked from the barbarian's mind. (But also*) As Brom calmed down and felt the rain splash upon him, he returned back to the present. (You use ‘and’ many times when you should expand the sentence and use a comma, and it sounds terrible. It makes the writing choppier, as well as making it sound shittier. Aside from that, ‘returned back’ is redundant.)

It was something he'd need to figure out later. (Again, short and choppy sentences sound terrible. They can be used to great effect in a fast-paced scene…but this isn’t one. Furthermore, you leave off with him returning to the present, then go into him referencing his memories of the past. Work on coordinating between paragraphs.) Right now, Brom felt his hunter's instinct telling him that he wasn't safe here. (This is a perfect place to remove the comma for a semicolon.) Strangely, he also felt the strong desire to find somebody important. But, whoever that was he hadn't the slightest idea of who it might have been, only a name. (Starting a sentence off with ‘but’ is usually considered bad form. Aside from that, the comma is misplaced; move it from the first word to the end of ‘whoever that was’.)

"The Russian." Brom repeated verbatim as a clap of thunder roared and lightning jagged across the black sky. (“Verbatim” strikes me as the wrong word for this sentence; it would work if you referenced the name in the narrative, but without it, your word doesn’t work. Second, your sentence would sound better as “…thunder roared, while lightning…”. Oh, and jagged isn’t a verb.)

Donning his mask, the Salvarian quickly felt his confusion begin to slip away and feel his old self begin to return. (All right, classic example of a dangling modifier. You meant that the Salvarian felt his old self begin to return, but the way the sentence reads is that his confusion felt its old self begin to return. Read it over again with that in mind. A possible rewording is “…the Salvarian felt his old self return, as his confusion began to slip away.”) Moving from behind the rocky outcrop, the warrior looked around. He was upon a flat ring of stone that was mapped (Passive voice) by an archaic pattern of luminous blue lines that sank deep into the rocks. Boulders, rocks, and ruins littered the surface of the disk that was a couple hundred yards in length and width. (You really need to work on this, it seems. Simple sentences do not sound very good, and grow extremely tiresome to read; long stretches without a break are the same way. Changing this to “…surface of the disk, which appear to be a couple…” would be better. Also, note the use of the word ‘appeared’ – unless Brom knows for sure, you shouldn’t treat it as fact.) A ring of columns surrounded the edge of the disk, and most surprising of all was that no matter how hard Brom tried; it didn't feel like he was on solid ground. (Semicolon, here; not use?)

Looking to the darkened heavens that sparked with lightning and roared with thunder, Brom knew that where ever this cursed place may be, he wasn't alone. (1: Wherever*. 2: Might be, instead of may be.)



As Brom moved and hid behind the ruins that littered the disk, he slowly circled his prey. The barbarian's plan had originally been to try and (to) find the Russian, whose face he seemed to vaguely remember. But (Don’t start sentences with ‘but’.), that was until he had heard voices. Many of them. (Remove the preceding period and hyphenate, replace ‘many’ with ‘several’.) Peering from behind his cover, the Salvarian watched a man dressed in black and strange creatures for quite some time while he prowled, moving closer and closer to them until he was less than five yards away. (Don’t dangle your modifiers, unless you intend to say that the man is dressed in black and strange creatures. Second, he begins the sentence essentially stationary, but within a few words is moving closer to them. Third, repeating yourself sounds like shit.)

Normally, the barbarian would've had assumed they were harmless, but something deep down in his subconscious began to bleed with anger. (First, never use contractions in narrative if you can possibly avoid it. Second, read that over without the contraction: “…the barbarian would have had assumed…” See something wrong with that?) Something from within kept whispering the same word, almost as if it were directly into his ear. (“…were directly into his ear” is a bit confusing there. Adding something like “…were being spoken directly into his ear.” Would make it sound much better.)

Kill.

Brom quickly forgot about the Russian, what a strange place this was to wake up in, or how he had even got here. (While not technically bad writing, the ‘what a strange place…’ sounds like bad writing until you read the sentence to its conclusion. Try rewording it to avoid this.) It was clear that whatever rationale the seasoned warrior had possessed had left him as his confusion worsened. (“Had possessed had left him”. Sounds terrible. And again, the simple sentences. You should know how to fix these by now.) He didn't seem to care who the people were that stumbled in front him, or whether they had been friend or enemy.

As Brom watched, the man in black gazed to the heavens, his face eventually turning back towards the gloom. Smaller creatures began to dance around something that the warrior could only guess to be some kind of drunk, bastardized bear. (“A drunk…” would sound better.) The scene was puzzling, but the moment that bear slipped and fell after he had vomited and the others rushed to help him back to his feet, Brom saw an opening he'd never get again. (…what? First, “the bear”, not “that bear”. Second, he vomited? You don’t always have to write as something happens in roleplaying, but if the action is concurrent with your own, you need to describe it happening. You take the bear vomiting as fact, which is fine if you briefly mention the action. Second, never use ‘and’ so many times, so close together. Break it up. Third, watch your contractions.)

Resting his hand upon the pommel of his sword, Brom drew his steel that flashed as lightning cracked across the heavens. (Oh, fuck me. This sentence is horrible. First, you already mentioned it was his sword, and you used ‘his’ three times in one sentence. Changing that to “Resting a hand upon the pommel of his sword, Brom drew the steel…” Second, Jesus Fuck on a pogo stick, man. “His steel that flashed as lightning cracked across the heaven”? Are you high? That is some seriously godawful prose. Either torch it completely, or turn it into something that isn’t shit.) If he weren't crazed, the barbarian would've realized that with his bow he probably could've taken out at least two of the strange troupe before they had realized what had even struck them. It would've made things a lot simpler. (He has a bow? When did you mention this? Oh, and you’re contracting again. Also, the sentence just sounds overall pretty bad.)

But, even without his wits, a confused barbarian on the battlefield was probably just as dangerous, if not more. (You started with ‘but’ again. Second, using ‘probably’ in narrative is acceptable very rarely. You’re now using it twice, once in each of two consecutive sentences.) Not pausing to think about what was the best course of action or the voices communing in his head, Brom quickly slipped from behind his cover and charged. (Here’s another major flaw you have: you use coordinating conjunctions with no commas. That makes your writing sound horrendous.) Waving his sword as a terrible growl began to escape his lips, the giant warrior ran headlong into his enemies, content with cutting them down first and asking questions later.



Brom felt his blade hit with a wet thud as he ran the preacher through, the tremble coursing up his arm. Whether it had been practiced instinct or opportune cruelty, the barbarian placed his giant hand upon his victim's shoulder and gave his blade a savage wrench. Only once he looked into the priest's dying eyes, did Brom feel a sense of grim satisfaction begin to fill him. (“Only once did he look” – sounds better. Also, from the comma, erm, what? That might work if you changed it into “Only once, when he looked into the priest’s dying eyes, did Brom feel…” Otherwise, no.) It was the same feeling every warrior craved to be wetted with blood upon the battlefield. (Sounds like shit. Add a semicolon after ‘craved’ and Jesus will save you.) The kill.

The priest struggled to hold onto him, frail fingers searching for purchase as he moved his lips like a fish out of water trying to find the words for such a brutal ending. (Confusion about who ‘he’ is. You reference the priest, then Brom, then I’m presuming the priest? You can infer it, but you should try to be clearer in the future.) When the words finally did come, Brom wasn't listening. (Came. Watch your tense.) With his bloodlust only beginning to be sated and vision clouded with red, the only thing the barbarian could hear above the blood welling in his ears was the crash of thunder from overhead. (I’m a poet and I didn’t even realize it. And again, watch the coordinating conjunctions sans comma.)

Brom pulled his steel from the preacher's gut with a sudden jerk, a rasp escaping his victim's lips before he crumpled to the ground.

With the scent of spilled blood driving him wild, Brom turned to the others who looked upon him with horror and gave a mirthless grin. (Modifiers, you, dangle much?) The Salvarian watched as most of the strange, little creatures turned and ran for cover, the bear beginning to recover, and another smaller bear running to the aid of the priest. (This is getting very, very tiresome. The comma after strange feels misplaced, ‘the bear beginning’ is both a tense mistake and a grammar mistake, and the entire thing is a run-on.) Though, what Brom didn't see in the midst of the chaos would probably be his fatal mistake. (Misplaced comma.)

The monster wrapped in a metal with a name the barbarian couldn't even begin to pronounce lunged from his blind spot as he began to turn, his eyes wild with rage. (Wrapped in a metal? Also, how does the barbarian know his name?) In a step above his very own name, the creature crashed into the barbarian and tore into his groin with sharp, metal teeth. (…In a step above his name? What does that even mean?) It was one of the few spots Brom hadn't had any armor for, because after all, how many opportunities would somebody get to strike him there?

As his back met the wet ground beneath him, Brom felt an emasculating, inhuman scream erupt from his own lips. The raw, sharp pain caused him to drop his sword with a metallic clang as he felt every tear, scrape, bite, and chew upon his manhood. Pinned to the ground, the barbarian smashed his fists down upon the creature, feeling desperation well up within him.

Try as he might, Brom just couldn't get his attacker off of him. Whatever hide the creature bore was stronger than anything he had ever witnessed before, not even denting against his great strength. It was a situation the warrior never thought he'd be placed in, and therefore acting as all men would do, he tried to get his attacker off of him, no matter the damage.

Punching, elbowing, pushing, jabbing, pulling, smacking. (Massive lists of essentially the same thing sound terrible.) Brom tried everything as the monster tore deeper and deeper inside of him, the barbarian no longer able to feel his legs or anything below his waist for that matter, but nothing seemed to work. (Smells like a fragment, or at least a poorly worded sentence. Notably the middle section, at least.) All Brom could do now was listen to the crude, sickening chewing as the monster ate as he struggled, trying desperately to get away from that sound. (Dangling modifier.)

Brom had almost given into his fate when the creature stole a glance upward at him, it's small, piggish metal face drenched in gore, and for whatever reason the barbarian would never know. (‘and’ is the wrong coordinating conjunction there. Remove it.) Seeing the opportunity, the dying warrior popped the creature square in the nose. (‘popped’? Avoid slang, please.)

Losing its grip from surprise, the creature tumbled backwards and took more of the barbarian with him. (This deserved its own paragraph…why?)

Setting himself up against a rock, Brom dared a glance downward and saw the red, ugly gore that had once been his groin and much of his abdomen. Whether it had been through sheer endurance or some sort of sick cosmic joke the barbarian had stayed conscious through it all just as his attacker had ripped out his intestines and split open his stomach, the acid spilling onto parts of his body he could no longer feel. This sounds terrible. The ‘just’ can probably be removed or replaced, at least.)

Cradling his guts in his arms as he stared at bone, blood and torn up organs, Brom began to go into shock. (Try ‘went into’ instead.) The giant warrior had the pallor of a corpse tarnished with blood, his hands growing clammy as the numbness continued to ascend upward. (Again, why is this a paragraph?)

As his eyes began to glaze over, the barbarian's confusion never washed away. Never for another moment would Brom consider why he was here, who these people were, or what this place even was. (‘never’ is the wrong word to start this off with.) No, the last thought the giant warrior had besides the morbid curiosity of what kind of rubbery taste his own intestines might have had was grim, animalistic fear. As his killer rolled back onto his feet and looked at him with crazed, hungry eyes, Brom feared that he wouldn't have met his maker fast enough before the monster was upon him again.

As the monster fell to all fours and made another pounce, the barbarian's vision washed away with black. Only the sound of crude, profane chewing remained.


All right! First of all, you need extensive word on coordinating conjunctions, dangling modifiers, contractions, the way you start sentences, run-ons, and paragraph length. Less important is watching out for comma splices, using the right words, avoiding slang terms, some tense issues, describing things that happen when they happen, and your character knowing things he shouldn’t know. So, work on those, and we’ll see how you improve in the next round. Good luck!