Team Registration: Paladin's of N'Jal

Team Name: Paladins of N’Jal

Character Names
MetalDrago Scorpio http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17745
Lorenor V'Halkulus http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=17724

MetalDrago frowned. The priestess seemed candid enough. It wasn’t the sincerity in her voice that bothered the Dragonian Paladin. In fact, he was used to being deferred to in most manners, due to his rather frightening appearance, but this woman treated him with not only deference, but respect and admiration. The priestess was proving to be a reliable source of information, and Lorenor was correct in assuming that it would be easy to convert them to the ways of N’Jal. It had been so easy to corrupt this innocent, trusting woman. It was this unerring admiration and respect that had him bothered.

Lorenor had proven apt as an assassin, and thus was being trusted with higher and higher level missions by the Church of the Ethereal Sway, and as such was being given more and more power within the Church itself. It was unknown whether anyone within the Church was aware of Lorenor’s involvement with the Thayne N’Jal, but that was nothing to be surprised over. Lorenor had proven himself, time and again, perfectly able to keep his own council and his own secrets. MetalDrago, his so-called General, hardly knew what the Salvarn Lord was thinking half the time. Of course, considering that Lord Lorenor was insane, it wasn’t much of a surprise that no one knew what he was thinking. MetalDrago, though slightly insane himself, still didn’t want to know what was going on in Lorenor’s head.

The priest mumbled something, and MetalDrago caught up on it. “The Church is beginning to change, based on the ones we’ve had placed in power… Doesn’t stop Denebriel from working his own little magic behind the scenes…” MetalDrago smiled slightly, wondering. When will we have to kill that fool and take control of the Church for ourselves? He obviously has some kind of dark plans for this ‘war’ with the nobility of Salvar… But what could they possibly be?

As far as MetalDrago were concerned, Denebriel was not only his current chief employer, but also one of his greatest enemies. Denebriel was a sworn enemy to anyone who would stop the Church from expanding into every conceivable place in Althanas, and MetalDrago, as the leader of the Triumvirate, the rulers of the Terra Empire, was not going to take this lightly should he attempt to outreach himself. But, for what it was worth, Denebriel had proven a reliable pawn, spreading chaos and confusion across the face of Salvar. MetalDrago chuckled to himself for a moment, receiving a searching look from the priest as he did so. The Dragonian Paladin caught the priestess’s eye and caught a flash of fear.

As Denebriel was working on spreading Chaos and Discord throughout the whole of Althanas, MetalDrago and Lorenor were largely responsible for doing the same within the confines of Denebriel’s Church, the only place Denebriel wouldn’t look for sabotage. It was actually quite funny, how a single man’s pride was so easily used against him, to turn him into what he was using so many others as, a simple, obedient pawn.

As long as he was being led by his lust for power, Denebriel would prove quite useful. The second he began to suspect something was wrong, that he was being corrupted or led astray from his true goal, he would have to be dealt with, swiftly and without mercy. Mother N’Jal’s hold on St. Denebriel’s Cathedral could not be lifted. It could not be allowed to happen.

The priestess looked up at the Dragonian Paladin again, seeing the evil dedication in his eyes, and knew immediately what he was thinking about. The priestess, an elf named Miraja, had been the first that MetalDrago had turned toward N’Jal, and called the man her master. MetalDrago didn’t much like the idea of being anyone’s master. A commander in combat, sure, but a master in the sense she’d been treating him like… That was a little beyond his comfort zone, even still.

The priestess revered him more than she revered any other man in existence, and she had come to know her master’s moods better than even he did. She knew he was thinking of N’Jal, the Dark Mother. She stood up and walked over to Master MetalDrago and said, “Master… You’re thinking about the Dark Mother again, aren’t you?”

MetalDrago responded coldly, “There isn’t a moment that passes that I don’t think about the Dark Goddess. You’d do well to remember that, Miraja. For you, too, are among her servants now, though you still play the part of priestess here in this accursed Church.” His voice didn’t seem to phase the elf in the least. Of course, he was used to this by now. He could treat her any way he pleased, and she would take it with a stoic attitude that matched that of most rocks. When MetalDrago was actually pleased with her, or treated her with kindness of any kind, she seemed like she was floating on clouds… He could instantly tell she was happier, almost bordering on euphoric. In all honesty, he was happier when she was like this. She was so eager to please him, and he had no idea why.

Miraja turned around and walked away, stopping before turning back towards her master and saying, “What part would you like me to play, then?” The look on her face caused MetalDrago to blush, his scales significantly paling in color. She smiled and laughed, walking slowly, seductively towards him. Her hair, a dark brown in color, swished around her frame, and her blue eyes were full of an emotion MetalDrago couldn’t identify. MetalDrago caught his breath for a moment and said, “Not another step closer.” She stopped, and looked a little hurt. It didn’t last long, though. She almost instantly returned to her stoic appearance.

The Dragonian Paladin took a few minutes to steady his mind before saying, “You’ve done well. I’m pleased with your performance at converting others in secret.” Her eyes lit up with happiness. It looked almost as though she wanted to run up and hug her master, but MetalDrago had told her not to take even a single step closer, and she would never directly disobey one of his orders. “Miraja, return to your duties until further notice.” Miraja merely nodded and walked out of the office.

For the first time since Miraja entered the room, MetalDrago took stock of his surroundings. Tapping his armored fingers on the desk in front of him, MetalDrago sat in the middle of a circular room, with walls of a pale, white stone that made him feel depressed. In order to cover up the walls, when the Church had given him this office, MetalDrago had special black and ice-blue wall hangings made, in stark contrast to the walls, in order to make the room seem more… like him. As he continued to decorate the room, he’d bought a grand, mahogany desk, a black set of drawers to keep his various documents in, and a rather pricey looking obsidian dragon statue that was meant more as a tribute to his complete devotion to N’Jal than as an art piece.

The corruption of the Church was going swimmingly. It would seem that the followers of the Church were looking for something with a bit more… punch than what Denebriel could give them. If that was the case, N’Jal would be more than happy to oblige. MetalDrago was happy with himself, and he knew the Dark Mother, who lived within him, was happy with him as well. His orchid colored eyes glowed with excitement as he stood up, pulling his icy cape along behind him.

As he continued to walk forward, the cape began to change, seeming to liquefy as it grew longer and split in twine. The liquid forms from the cape began to wrap around MetalDrago, and became wings. The Endless Armor, sensing the physical change, grew up and out over the wings, covering them in the skeletal form that extended about three feet beyond the tip of each bone in his bat-like wings. MetalDrago smile menacingly as he made his way from his office to find Lorenor and give his Commander and update on his part in the corruption conspiracy.

The halls of St. Denebriel’s Cathedral were oft empty at night. Only the most devout of his practitioners found themselves wandering the labyrinthine like passages. Within the depths of the halls, an individual walked in complete silence as he made final preparations to travel to foreign lands on an assassination mission. With the writ in his possession, the mutant could concentrate on what he needed to do.

“Care for a spar?” Came the voice of the individual following the mutant in the empty hallways. Turning around, Lorenor spotted the robed priest as the challenge was issued. “Doth thou want to go to the sparring arena?” There was a momentary silence. “Here is as good a place as any.” The man said calmly with a sly grin. Lorenor chuckled as the words were spoken. The mutant wore the robes of a devotee. Long, flowing vlince robes were colored in various tones of royal blues and whites. Lorenor drew one of his prevalida long swords. The small warrior stared at the fellow before him.

He looked upon the taller warrior priest for a few seconds. Being short had its advantages over the larger brutes that populated Althanas these days. Lorenor maintained a sly grin. He kept his eyes locked upon the newly anointed foe. “Word is, you’re mingling with both sides of the coin Lord Lorenor.” The Priest said as he drew a prevalida weapon of his own. A broadsword. The priest kept his head hidden beneath the devotee’s hood, a cowl that kept his identity a secret. Holding the sword in his hand, the priest took the initiative attack striking a general blow aimed for Lorenor’s current position. It was more of a measurement strike than anything else. Staring at the mutant, the priest kept his eyes fixed upon the smaller man. “Rumors abound to link you to one of the Thaynes!”

Keeping a sly grin, the mutant back stepped quickly and parried the incoming attack. Two blades collided in an attempt to become as one living organism of metal. Sparks of heat flashed from the impact point as the two blades grinded against one another. Magic potent within the weapons glowing visibly in the air increasing the heat of the room. Lorenor’s face moved in closely to the face of the Priest. The two exchanged a stare for a long moment and then both leaped backwards a few paces away. “Thou art a fool for believing such falseness! I shouldst have thy tongue! ”

“Brave words you are spake. Insiders have foretold me of the little movement currently infiltrating the church. We cannot allow this to go any further than this!”

“What art thou implying!? ”

“You are a traitor!”

“How dareth thee! ”

“I have proof of my accusations against you!”

Lorenor became furious. Hearing the accusations, Lorenor put himself in the mentality of a terrifying monster. His face twisted with anger. Thoughts entered the mutant’s mind. Everything he is saying is true! I thought MetalDrago and myself were more careful than this. What could have happened to change the corruption of the cathedral? Where did I go wrong? I was assured the will of N’Jal be done! Lorenor shook his head and prepared himself to defeat the warrior before him. An air of darkness clung to the mutant’s small frame. The priest maintained his stoic battle stance, prepared to intercept whatever the warrior threw at him. “Thou shalt payeth for these accusations against a fellow member of the cloth! ”

“You speak lies you tiny freak!”

Attacking offensively, Lorenor prepared to turn the spar into a battle. The priest was ready for this sudden change. He countered the mutant’s attacks blow for blow and the two were on equal footing in skill. The hallway was wide enough and large enough that the two had enough mobility to engage in their assault. Blades streaked tails of light as they danced around one another. Clangs echoed in the hallway of metal slamming hard against metal and the two warriors fought furiously. “I know of your connection to the one they call N’Jal. Give it up Lorenor, your plot is revealed!” The mutant had heard enough. How did he find out, how!? “Thou wouldst betray a whore in heat, filth! ” The Priest shook his head as he fought with perfect skill and balance. “Even now you do not deny the accusations. Pathetic. I shall expose to the rest of the clergy that you are ill more than a traitor spreading blaspheme to the good works of Denebriel!”

“Thy saint is the traitor! He sent greater Salvar into chaos and darkness, and thou choosest to followeth him! Thou art sheep! Insteadeth of following a traitor-saint thou shouldst follow the will of N’Jal! ”

Lorenor could no longer hold his tongue. If he did have such a thing, it was still a mystery how the mutant spoke without a physical tongue. The trial of a Spider-Magi was an unforgiving one. Concentrating on parrying and counter-slashes, the mutant continued to fight the Priest. Presences were gathering in the hallway now. Lorenor felt several more members of the cloth approaching the hallway attempting to discern what was the meaning of the late-night battle. All of the shouts and yells were beginning to draw too much attention. “I will expose you as you are!” Lorenor had no come-back this time. He’d already revealed his ace-in-the-hole. N’Jal. The Dark Mother, the spider goddess. His god hid within the blood of his vessel whilst the other’s so-called deity was shrouded in secrecy and myth.

Lorenor moved on instinct now. He continued to parry the various attacks that the Priest, once a friend, used against him. They were both playing for keeps. Lethal intent was placed behind each masterful stroke. Scratched up, the walls glowed with super heat from the intense flashing of the blades. Angry now, the mutant wanted to release one of the stored powers in his arsenal. “Pondering on cheating are you? Then take this!” As the Priest continued to attack the mutant, a glow of spiritual energy rocked the hallway. The man pushed Lorenor back and launched a beam of pure elemental energy from his free hand. At this point, the priest fought with one hand in a quickly adjustable fighting stance.

Energy scorched through the air. Lorenor sensed the temperature increase but had little time to actually evade the incoming attack. On instinct, the endless surrounded the mutant with its powerful form. A secondary skin as tough as damascus. The armor appeared as a demonic exoskeleton that writhed as though it were sentient oil. Screaming at the impact, the endless attempted to withstand the blow as best as it could. It twisted in agony against the beam of energy, yelling in the mutant’s mind. Lorenor screamed out loud as the blast drilled through his shoulder at the very corner of his pectoralist major muscle. It tore right through the endless like a hot knife through butter. Lorenor clutched at his injury staring down at the large hole where his flesh once was. The endless attempted to meld itself back together into one whole unit.

“Fall beast.”

The Priest said as he prepared another light-based attack against the mutant.

“Thou art a coward! ” Lorenor exclaimed as he continued to clutch the injury. By now, Lorenor had fallen to both of his knees and experienced an extreme pain. He looked up as the Priest was preparing to finish him off. “Thou canst stopeth me, but thou canst stopeth all of us. ” The mutant closed his eyes as he prepared to face his death. “What is the meaning of this!” A voice yelled from further down the hallway. It approached the dueling warriors. The priest was not preparing to finish the mutant off with one siege power after another. Lorenor was surprised to hear the voice that called behind them. It was familiar to him. It was the voice of St. Denebriel himself. The St had glowing energy, yet did not harm the mutant as he normally should. All of the Priests gathered in the hallway bowed down before the apparition of the Saint.

“What is the meaning of this? You know it is a serious crime to assault one of your own brothers of the cloth. Regardless of whatever other religious affiliations he may have!”

“But my lord, he follows the will of N’Jal! He is a blight upon the cathedral’s fold that must be exterminated!” The Saint shook an ethereal head. Long locks flowed with the movement. Lorenor looked at the Saint trying to stare through a veil of brilliant light. Why wasn’t that light hurting him? Lorenor wondered. Perhaps it was a blessing of the Saint. “This thing has a purpose in the grand scheme. We must protect it as if it were our own flesh and blood. HE is our adopted son.” The Priest couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He prepared to release the attack on Lorenor anyway, and the Saint waved a mighty hand. The Priest was levitated off the ground and slammed backwards. “Enough! Move against this servant any longer and I shall excommunicate you from the cathedral myself!”

“But my liege! Please!”

“It is prophesized that our fold would accept a follower of N’Jal. It is prophesized that this follower should become a Spider Magi. It is prophesized that he would come across the workings of the Necronomicon and attempt to corrupt the clergy where it stands. And in some ways it is also prophesized that he will succeed to degree.”
The Priest was shaking his head even as the invisible energy held him up in the air. By now, Lorenor pulled himself up off the ground to greet St. Denebriel. “Mi’liege. ‘Tis a pleasure to see thee again. ” And the conspiracy would live on. Lorenor apparently worked directly with N’Jal, and followed the will of Denebriel. The Saint greeted Lorenor as if they were equals. “My followers. Here my words. Lorenor is to be treated with the utmost respect. His destiny lies intrinsically connected to the future of the fold. He will not be harmed. It is the will of St. Denebriel.” And with that, the Saint vanished and his presence faded from the hallway. Lorenor looked down at the injury that the Priest previously caused noticing it was no longer there. The mutant thanked his patron Saint. He turned towards the Priest, picked up his sword and walked over to him.

Strangely, the mutant offered the Priest a hand to help stand the fellow on his feet. The Priest neglected to take the mutant’s hand and smacked it away. “I need not your help! You will regret this day Lorenor. Mark my words.” The Priest stood up and walked away from the scene leaving Lorenor to his own vices. It was at that moment that MetalDrago appeared on the scene.

Trial Judgement
The Paladins of N'Jal

Hey, guys. It's good to see both of you entering the tournament. I enjoyed this small exposition of your characters, and definitely look forward to seeing more from you as the ToC progresses. Although I might be a bit tough on you, let me say that the small tidbit offered here is a good start to the interesting intrigue and underground politics of the Church and the seeds being sewn by N'jal. I'm really impressed by the sort of 'conspiracy' that is being weaved beneath the Church's foundation and I hope to see it play out. Now, on to the judging. (As judged by Mathias, and reviewed by Taskmienster, Max Dirks and Remaeus, the members of Panel A)

Story: 2.5 / 5
For MetalDrago, I got a pretty good introduction as to what your character was up to, as well as a pretty good feel for what he was like. One thing I noted was that you and Lorenor kept referring to Denebriel as a male, although the Saint is, in fact, a woman. Although I barely docked both of you for it, I'd still like you to make a good note of specific details. Also, in the first post, you waited until the very end of it to set the stage and describe your surroundings. It was a bit after-the-fact, and to have a whole scene played out without any context of where it is taking place doesn't quite mesh well with the flow. Try to find a good balance between dialogue, exposition, and description, with little bits of each flowing through each paragraph.

Lorenor, one thing I wish you'd have mentioned more of is the writ that he was holding. It was a detail lost to the rest of your narration, and I went back to look at it and wonder what it was. Although I have no particularly criticisms regarding the story itself, because MetalDrago had already set up a great deal of exposition for you, what Lorenor was doing prior that post is kind of lost on me.

The only other major note that I have to say is that you two have some conflicting characterizations of St. Denebriel. Aside from the fact that both of you missed the gender of her completely, MetalDrago sort of plays her up as incompetent to a certain extent. I have a hard time believing that a saintly figure and the leader of a massive church who has orchestrated a large-scale civil war is so easily manipulated, Lorenor plays her up as much more in control, calm, and collected. This disagreement between your ideas of Denebriel hurts your score a bit.

Character: 3.5 / 5
I was a bit put off at times by MetalDrago's characterization. Like, the switch between this self confident warrior of badassery, and then he's blushing at the advances of what's basically his mind-slave. Basically, I felt that he has some sort of inability to interact on a personal basis with the opposite sex, but you didn't quite play that up as anything other than sort of teen-esque naivety, which really doesn't seem to befit a hardened warrior.

Lorenor, although it does add a certain bit of flare to your character, I can't help but feel that a great deal of meaning is lost in the "Olde English," style of dialogue. For instance, "Thou canst stopeth me, but thou canst stopeth all of us." as an example of how it muddles the sentence and loses itself to more applicable rules of grammar.

Writing Style: 3 / 5
MetalDrago, you have a very solid grasp on things as far as mechanics go, and your writing flows pretty smoothly. You do have a tendency to abuse grammar in some small instances, like using "were," instead of "was," like in this sentence from your first post: "As far as MetalDrago were concerned..." And you have some misusage of words at times, like one instance I noticed was at the very end of your first post: you said his cape changed shape and was "split in twine." I'm rather sure you meant twain. It's an honest mistake, but it's one of those double-take moments that sort of detracted from the flow of your sentence and the story for a brief moment.

Lorenor, although you have a firm grasp on narration, something that hurt you was, at times, neglecting to seperate your lines of dialogue. In one of your paragraphs in your post, there are three exchanges of words, and in that, it is the priest, then Lorenor, and the priest once more. That's a firm blow to mechanics, as it's a fairly specific and undeniable rule when writing dialogue. Something else I noted, was that right after you introduced St. Denebriel, you actually continued using the shortening of St. instead of Saint in your narration, which was something that disconnected the flow of your writing, although it was only one instance.

Total: 9 / 15