Printable View
Congratulations for making it to the second round of the Tournament of Champions. Both teams receive three Fate Points for making it this far! The battle closes after 11:59 PM EST on March 27th. Good luck to both teams!
Arenas were arranged at random, and your prompt is as follows:
The two teams will meet from opposite sides of a violent, raging river. The river is wide, but there are enough rocks in the right places to get across, if you’re careful.
The battle was long and agonizing. The trees began to settle down, as if they accomplished something. What that was, Sara wasn't sure. The point was that they won the battle!
She found a tree stump in the middle of the field and sat near it, putting her hands to her head as she began looking into her past, writing in her mental journal of her many experiences that she went through.
Sara imagined writing into an old journal, adding it to her memories...
...We won the battle! But now what? Memories of my horrific past still haunt me no matter what circumstances I overcome. Hopper turned out to be an excellent ally, and I hope we continue to grow in our relationship during this frustrating tournament. Images of what my parents might have looked like and what they went through race through my mind almost daily no matter what I do. Is this a punishment of some kind? Am I doomed to this torture for the rest of my life? Will I ever see them again?
I prefer not to remember "my people", the high elves. Banishing me from my home because I was not of "pure blood." Did they kill the ones I love out of jealousy, or because of some kind of insane cultist behavior? Whatever it was, I was finished with them, and I don't tend to return ... ever.
I'll continue "documenting" in my journal as the tournament continues to progress. For now, all I see is .... what is that? ....
...
The trees disappeared one by one, the field turned into the never ending blackness that started this whole thing.
Where is it coming from? Is this a transition into another battle? Or worse yet ... another realm?
Sara was now sitting on nothing but black empty space. All around her, nothing ... not even Hopper or anything else for that matter. All of a sudden sounds came out of nowhere and gradually became more and more clearer.
It was the sound of a river, a fierce one at that. A giant flash of light temporarily blinded Sara, and when she recuperated ... she was sitting next to a raging river that was littered with multiple rocks of a variety of shapes and sizes. Some of them hazardous and sharp, some of them smooth as silk, some of them as small as a foot print, and the largest one close to thirty feet wide!
She got up quickly as things were started to become clearer ... more sounds and objects started to appear. Trees, harmless this time, appeared behind her ... as if dropped from the sky from a mysterious being ... The source of this thing? ... plants sprouted from the ground, multiple insect noises came from the distance and across the river, and then her good friend Hopper appeared out of thin air.
The blackness consumed him too?
Sara frantically ran over to Hoppers side helping him up to his feet.
"Are you ok?"
Noises came from across the river as two figures appeared in the distance ...
The same blackness?
"Looks like we have to start all over again my friend."
Sara sighed deeply as she prepared her bow and arrows once more. She waited for Hopper to recuperate in order to battle once more.
“Tumblin' blindly from certain doom to another, more certain doom... Powers I've missed this.” ‘Hopper is muttering to himself beneath his breath when he comes to by the riverbed, greeted by the Elf’s concerned chatter. ‘Hopper shook his head, muttering a little louder now in response to Sara’s questioning, “I’m fine, just’ not quite so fancy wit’ me legs as ye’re. Thank ye’ fer the lift though.”
Powers, why’s it I’m always on me arse when these things start? ‘Hopper thinks to himself while Sara helps him up, but it’s an idle thought, replaced almost immediately by the practical part of his personality, he turns his attention to assessing the area around them. For Sara’s benefit as much as his own, ‘Hopper starts by verbalizing his observations.
“These battlegrounds’re no accident, the powers that be’re settin’ us wherever they think we’ll give’em tha’ best fight. Chances are this’uns stacked against us, too.” ‘Hopper waves his right hand over to the furious river, “This’ll come up soon, jus’ as surely as tha’ damned trees kept tryin’ ta nick us last fight. You might be keen on dancin’ too an’ fro down the rocky road over tha’ waters, but me an’ me sore old bones’re stuck on dry land. What’s more, one slip, or one stray blast o’ magic would send us spillin’ down the river. I dinnae’ think either of us could give those rapids thee laugh.”
To drive his point home, ‘Hopper pointed downstream about fifty yards from their current location, a point in the river where there weren’t any nice ,large, round rocks to be found, but there WERE a significant number of jagged, painful-looking outcroppings being crashed against angrily by white-water rapids. “Be in tha’ river down there an’ ye’ll find out what it feels like ta’ be a rag doll.” ‘Hopper warned, as though Sara didn’t already realize that.
‘Hopper continued his assessment, “Iffin’ we’re against anything wit’ any amount o’ skill wit’ water magic, or iffin’ they ken’ swim like a Sahuagin sea-devil, this match’ll be over ‘afore ye ken’ curse the thrice-damned fates fer’ cheatin’ us. On the other ‘and, iffin’ they’re jus’ like us, an’ we ken’ keep that river between us, we might jus’ win this’un. Stay on dryy land, keep yer’ bow ready, an’ keep firin’ till yer fingers bleed. I’ll keep anything from getting’ at ye.”
Then ‘Hopper turned back, towards the light forest behind them, “On tha’ other ‘and, iffin’ we’re trapped between tha’ river an’ our enemies, only thing ta’ do is strike fast an’ hard, break out so we don’t ‘ave our backs to tha’ wall, so ta speak. Fer now, all we ken’ do is wait, watch, an’ listen. Our guests’ll be ‘ere shortly.”
Round two is over! Thank you for participating! A judge will attend to your thread shortly.
Greetings. As this is the second round, I have become a little more strict in terms of score. At this point there should be less mistakes, and better writing, so don’t take it to mean a significant drop in skills from the last round. Read the comments to determine that. I have grouped them together for each player who posted, and as a courtesy included a judgment to give you a rough idea of where you stack up at this point in the tournament. I hope my comments are insightful, and you can PM me with any questions you may have.
Petoux:
You begin your intro post by referring to a battle that the reader does not know exists. You also mention your character’s name casually, as if the reader should already know it. The first scene featuring your character has no description of her whatsoever. However, you use a bit of personification in relation to the trees ‘settling down.’ Still, there’s hardly any imagery focusing on the setting. It’s like it’s not there. Your description of the portal which transported you was nicely done, especially the mental imagery of trees ‘disappearing one by one.’ The scene in which the world around her was ‘forming’ was pretty well done, and the imagery of it had some powerful symbolism.
Some of the language Sarah used in her thoughts was very unusual, and not something you would expect someone to casually think. It sounded more like a narration than the narration did. Just stating what conflict your character might be in doesn’t necessarily give the reader an attachment or sympathy to her. You have to show how that conflict affects her, rather than just stating it. Your character seems to think excessively deeply, as if you’re trying to use her thoughts to connect to the reader. That would be better done through narration and action.
You occasionally use odd wording, like ‘adding it to her memories.’ While I can understand it, it doesn’t sound quite right. You also repeated some thoughts, like the ‘mental journal’ line. You used elipses (…) excessively in your opening posts, and ‘All of a sudden’ can also be written ‘Suddenly.’ You tend to state things after the fact. For instance, you said sounds ‘came out of nowhere,’ but first referred to them as ‘sounds,’ and then said what they were. Instead, you could’ve said ‘the sound of running water’ came out of nowhere. That presents a much stronger mental image. Try not to explain things so much, just show them.
Sometimes you write incomplete sentences. ‘Some of them sharp, etc’ has no verb, though I believe you intended it to be an understood ‘Some of them were sharp.’ There are also occasional phrases you overuse, such as ‘once more.’ Don’t describe in relation to things, like saying something was this, looked like that, seemed like this, etc. Instead, give the action to the object, saying it did this or did that. For example, ‘some of the rocks jutted out of the ground as if to stab any passersby.’ Also, don’t mention what things do in relation to your character so much. She IS the point of view, anything that happens happens to her, so rather than saying she was blinded, you could’ve said ‘A bright flash of light blurred everything around her, returning the landscape moments later.’
Mikeavelli:
Though starting an introduction post with a line of dialogue is unusual, it was both humorous, and helped to give a sense of your character straight off the bat. Your dialogue is as hilariously perfect as ever, and you really show his accent. Hopper’s thoughts are just as hilarious as his dialogue, too, and show his personality equally well. You don’t give much insight into why your character is in this tournament, or why he’s paired up with an elf, though. Hopper’s past isn’t touched on once outside of specific knowledge and lingo. You hardly ever describe the setting around you outside of what is needed to understand the basic positioning of everything. You post as if the dialogue is all you have going for you, and try to focus solely on that. Good stories are written with a lot more than just good dialogue.
Though it’s a small point, your character’s name is preceeded by an appostrophe in every instance of it in your posts. It’s consistent in this thread, but inconsistent with both your partner’s references to you, and your previous thread. Hopper’s assement of the arena around them was insightful, but sometimes the way you write his accent makes it hard to understand. The battle plan Hopper laid out for them seemed to fit both character’s well, and was presumably carried over from the last round. There was hardly any narration at all in your opening post. It was almost completely dialogue. Just reading this thread alone, I have no idea why you’re here, where here is, or where you were before you got here.
Petoux's score is in blue, Mikeavelli's in red.
Whispers in the Wind
Story: 16.5 – 17 / 30
Storytelling: 2.75 – 2.25 / 5
Setting: 4.25 – 3.75 / 10
Pacing: 9.5 – 11 / 15
Character: 18.25 – 21 / 35
Dialogue: 5.75 – 7.5 / 10
Action: 7 – 6.25 / 15
Persona: 5.5 – 7.25 /10
Writing Style: 18 – 21.5 / 30
Technique: 4.75 – 5.5 / 10
Mechanics: 6.25 – 8.5 / 10
Clarity: 7 – 7.5 / 10
Wildcard: 1.25
Total: 54 – 60.75 / 100
Whispers in the Wind win by default, but are not eligible to receive rewards.