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The crowd had parted for the procession of religious devotees, and now it parted again at the will of the Black Tree God. From the crowd stepped forward a middled-aged female—her greying fur and untidy whiskers made her instantly recognisable as the High Executive Councillor. She came to a stop beside the writhing body of the invertebrate beast. The creature was still safely secured, wrapped breathlessly, in its parent's powerful limbs. Creaking wood began to grind and warp at the centre of the tree, the gaping hole from which the child came was being reshaped by the alien half of T-Zu-Hosto. One tentacle limb broke from the group and made for the Councillor. Mucous goop dampened her fur as The Black Tree God caressed her stubby arm, slowly slicking its limited length, before settling into the palm of her paw. They shared a mutual grip, as though lovers. She was guided by her god into the break in the tree's trunk and sat, justly, on the intricate bark wrought throne that had been created.
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“Forgive me, children.”, the High Executive Councillor began. “This is the voice of Mahia T-Zu-Hosto, I know the name you have given me.” Hostoland's elected leader was now a mouthpiece for Hostoland's supreme God. “I know we have grown together for hundreds of years. And I know that my child has murdered some of you, my first brood.” The Black Tree God felt the weight of sorrow; the proud, stout centre of their universe took on the mourning outline of a heartbroken willow—timeless and weeping.
Passing through the sky, the sun brought an evening perspective to the history of the day. Before darkness, each dismembered body part was carried and placed before the tree. Every pair of hands in the city found work to be done. Priestess and priest prepared clean water to wash away the crusted blood from the hands of the people. A veritable swarm of flies searched the pile of sun roasted meat for the perfect spot on which to lay their maggot-laden eggs. But it was not to be.
Mahia T-Zu-Hosto waved the flies away with a battery of tentacles. An excess of black sap oozed from every crevice in its barky skin. Tentacles scooped up the viscous secretion and lathered it over the pile of dead bodies. Thick, oily mucus made links between limb and torso, bile ducts and organs, severed spines and cracked skulls. Duggsteen noted in on a fresh page that the process was akin to watching the positive and negative ends of a magnet draw together. Vacant smiles persisted throughout the crowd as they watched contently as their loved ones were magically repaired. Each body was correctly glued together again. There were seams, stitches and cracks. The black caulk used to seal the bodies showed through in these lines. Perfection had alluded the kindly Black Tree God.
“Now to reanimate them.”, the councillor spoke the words of God as a mountainous roar.
The first to stand was the deer hock boy. He was grasping the unfinished treat to his chest, cherishing it, as he came back to life. Black rain descended from the sky, each body speckled with droplets received the miracle of rebirth. Veins filled with blood had been swapped for a slow flow of inky sap, despite pumping the black liquid their hearts hadn't changed—the newly living and the still living closed the distance between them and each family embraced thankfully.
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Life restored, Mahia T-Zu-Hosto turned its attention to its errant offspring.
“My name is Mahia T-Zu-Hosto. Your name will be K-Zu-Ziro.”
While the words were spoken aloud by the mouthpiece, they were also placed directly into the mind of K-Zu-Ziro. This species possessed an inherent link between queen and drone. Flailing with an unnatural pace two tentacles shot forward and grabbed the middle pair of arms. “Child, there is a penalty for the crimes you committed against your siblings.” A cringe-worthy snap punctuated the final word, followed by the awfully mortal sound of bodily fluids splattering across the flaxen brickwork—T-Zu-Hosto had removed its offspring's middle arms. “You will live life with four limbs, wingless, as all citizens of Hostoland do. This will serve as a reminder and a bond. We do not share blood with the Hostians, but we will love them, as they love us. We will all live to serve each other and make prosperous our mutually beneficial relationship.” With a painful rip K-Zu-Ziro's wings were also torn away.
-
Tiring from the physically demanding task of holding every mind of an entire civilisation hostage, the Black Tree God relented. With a residual feeling of happiness each Hostoland family returned to their homes, where eyelids were promptly defeated by the weight of the day's events. They would all sleep for days, before awaking to overgrown grass, rotten food and pets hungry for a fresh bowl of nibbles.
Filling the role of witness, Mahia T-Zu-Hosto had been secretly present for the birth and death of thousands upon thousands of its humble worshippers. Each individual's forlorn panic in the face of loss was woven into the Black Tree God's bark-encased flesh. Unfathomable was the ocean of sentiment, a pulling tide of melancholy the god wore on its brow with pride. Wallowing in sorrow is to pay tribute to the lost, and so Mahia T-Zu-Hosto became a bloated pig of misery. This sad indulgence highlighted its imperfection, a mark against its credentials as a god. Unknown to the telepath, it had spread small black spots of this unsettling experience to each and every Hostian whose mind it had possessed. A memory of bereavement, so distant in the past it was out of focus, but so fresh in the mind, it brought people to tears. Not knowing where this feeling came from, many hid their tears and coupled loneliness with sadness.
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Aleraran Nights and the Capture of Mux Drik
With telepathy as a tool, education became simple and speedy. K-Zu-Ziro barely held an independent personality inside its brain, it had become a living extension of its queen. The offspring, genetically weak willed, had come to share every belief and desire of its creator. It held familial affection for the rodent people who worshipped its parent. With that affection foremost in its mind, K-Zu-Ziro gushed with zeal as Mahia T-Zu-Hosto placed a mission in its mind, with a very clear check-list:
1. Investigate foreign nations and report back.
2. Weaken foreign nations in preparation for a future invasion.
3. Spread the religion of the Black Tree God, terminate those who refuse conversion.
4. Secure slaves to serve Hostians as they arrive to colonise new lands.
5. Select a Hostian to serve as your mouthpiece when communicating with others.
6. If captured, end your own life to prevent information falling into enemy hands.
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Moonlight silvered the way as the child of the Black Tree God set to leave Hostoland that very night. Its claws made an obvious sound against the brick streets, bringing long whiskered noses to the windows of many houses. With curtains drawn back, the Hostians peered through the glass to watch the monstrous child leave the nest. Said child had selected another child to fulfil the role required for the fifth item on the check-list. It was the deer hock boy, or Digsy as his friends nicknamed him. As with all those who had been resurrected on that day, they bore the scars of the violence. The rear of the boy's head—where K-Zu-Ziro's claw had entered his skull—had a hole filled with black amber. With a weakened version of Mahia T-Zu-Hosto's telepathy, K-Zu-Ziro was able to occupy the mind of the child, rendering him a dumb terminal. K-Zu-Ziro's telepathy was only able to influence little Digsy. As they travelled together, Digsy sat on the bony shoulder of his sibling, strapped in safely with leather strips.
The unrelenting spin of the planet brought day after day to the duo as they journeyed. Hostoland, for all its grandeur, was distant to the rest of the world. The rodent people and their symbiotic tree god were isolated by natural boundaries: mountains, rivers, seas. Days became weeks before K-Zu-Ziro's nightmarish form was first seen by a Dark Elf, they had crossed the border into Alerar.
Scouting for a nearby fort, the Dark Elf was understandably alarmed. She, holding the advantage of being unseen, crouched amongst shrubbery atop a small hill. Mouth agape, she saw a giant invertebrate encased in a matte black exoskeleton, lanky, snapping pincers completed each arm, while its legs buried stabbing claws into the earth to stay balanced. When the rolling clouds cleared and the day's light illuminated the face of the creature, she grimaced with disgust. Its bony mask was dominated by glossy bug eyes, each oval was decorated with a hairy antenna, while its mouth was equipped with a pair of slobbering mandibles. She noted the furry vermin clutching K-Zu-Ziro's shoulder before crossing the peak of the hill and descending unseen on the other side.
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Fire from moth ridden street lamps flickered an amber reflection on the wet cobblestones paving the ground below. Like a mechanical heartbeat, sharp and piercing, hard heels clicked one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two …. The sound of walking was a well dressed human male. The man was out of place in the drizzle of an Aleraran night, his body and features so different to his Dark Elvish hosts that he could not hide in the light of day. This was a sleepy town, thoroughly provincial and unfamiliar with foreign visitors. Briefcase in hand, raincoat tied closed and hat tugged down, he glanced up to count the street lamps as he anxiously approached his destination.
Half way along the street he paused, distressed by the lack of moths clattering the glass of one street lamp, and one street lamp alone. “What the …” he mouthed to himself before clutching his treasured cargo and breaking into a run. His dress shoes made for an awkward gait, and his raincoat flapped—he could not move quickly. Looking up at one lamp after another he was soothed by the presence of moths, moths, moths. But he kept running. Until he looked ahead to see another light, unburdened by heat seeking insects. At which point he stopped. Looked back. Looked forward.
“Take it!”
The case was jettisoned in the gutter. Atop the light pole ahead was perched the spindly black monster, with Digsy strapped in and wearing a blank expression. K-Zu-Ziro had occupied his companion's mind so as to protect the child from the trauma of the violence it lusted for. The Child of the Black Tree God hissed and began its descent, each claw clamped the cold iron of the pole as it quickly came down on its victim. With a leap, it closed the final half of the distance to land in front of the man who had since turned to run.
“No, wait!”
Slice. Crunch. Thud. Where the man's head had been connected to his body a brief crimson fountain existed. With no heart to pump the fountain ran dry and the body fell limp. Hunched over, the creature's height was halved and it was able to retrieve the head from the ground. Without pausing to look at the face, K-Zu-Ziro flipped the head over as though checking for a stamp of authenticity. It crammed its closed pincer between the jaws of its victim and pried the jawbone away. K-Zu-Ziro banged what was left on the skull on the street's curb, cracking it like an egg. From there, with a level of dexterity difficult for one without fingers, the creature snipped at what was left fixing the brain in the skull. The click of firearms being cocked interrupted the Black Tree God's offspring from completing its grim procedure.
“Don't move!”, it was a squad of Dark Elven military sent in pursuit as a response to the vigilant scout from the day before.
“HISSS!!!” the creature responded as though it were a non-sentient being.
“Open fire!”
Cradling the brain like a newborn on the bend of its elbow and with a mindless Digsy as a shoulder mounted ornament, K-Zu-Ziro fled the scene under a spray of hot iron shot. Using its one free arm it clambered back up the light pole and began to awkwardly jump from one to the other into the dank surroundings. Into an open window it slipped. A Dark Elven female lay sleeping in her bed when K-Zu-Hiro's invading claw gored a hole in her chest. She died quickly. Once clear of its assailants, the overgrown insect continued work on the human brain it possessed. Placing the brain safely on the dead elf's bedside table, it reached back with its claw and violently smashed open the back of its own skull. After which it plucked the human brain from the table and jammed it alongside its own brain. Black amber, the same amber its parent had used to raise the dead, quickly oozed over the alien organ and then over the hole in the skull. The amber solidified to match the original matte black exoskeleton. Meanwhile, inside the skull, the inky goop was webbing fibrous bonds between K-Zu-Ziro's brain and the victim's brain.
“I don't understand.” the voice wasn't spoken, it was an unbound thought floating in a bleak vastness.
“But, I don't understand.”
…
“Wait! I don't know what happened to me.”
…
“I don't understand.”
…
“But, I don't understand.”
…
“I don't understand this. Help me!”
The voice in the dark was relentless. It had no other choice than to be relentless. Eventually the two brains had been connected long enough so that K-Zu-Ziro had been able to decipher its new passenger.
“Don't be afraid, Mux.”
“Who are you, how do you know my name? Where am I?”
“I am K-Zu-Ziro. I know everything about you. You live inside my mind now. You will help me.”
Upon comprehending his new reality, Mux Drik stumbled into a madness that would almost consume them both. A madness the insect had not anticipated. The encroaching insanity had to be contained with haste.
With Digsy still sleeping, K-Zu-Ziro dragged the dead elf's body from the bed and onto the floor. The creature hunched over her, buried its face in her abdomen and began to shred her guts with a frenetic scissoring of its saliva coated jaws. Heat was generated inside the K-Zu-Ziro's mouth—an ability inherent with all drones of this species—and it melted the fat and blood of the victim into a hot soup. Once fully gorged, the Child of the Black Tree God gripped the lifeless body by the ankle and tossed it out of the open window and into the street.
“Wake up!”
Digsy's eyes opened wide and he smiled, “Hi! Where are we?”
“An Aleraran town, surrounded by Dark Elves”
“Cooooool!”
“Remain calm, we are not welcome here and as such will be hibernating. Drink this, quickly.”
K-Zu-Ziro pulled a daisy-laden vase from the bedside table and poured the water and flowers onto the carpet. It regurgitated a portion of the Elven broth into the container and angled it to pour it into the throat of his rodentine companion.
“Drink up! It will both send you to sleep and sustain you while you sleep.”
The concoction dribbled down Digsy's cheeks, “Wow, yummy! Elves know how to cook!”
“No, that is my food—the Butter of Hosto.”
In order to evade capture the duo set to sleep in a deep, but dry, region of the marvellous Dark Elf sewer system. In order to continue the mending process of both brains it now possessed, the offspring of T-Zu-Hosto had to rise and feed every three months. By preying on the Dark Elves in this manner for over two years the creature gained a substantial place in the psyche of its hosts—The Belly Eater, Scourge of the Elves.
After the years of sleeping rough in the world's finest sewer system, Mux's despair had finally been contained. As such, the trio were quickly on the road again. They were very much in a hurry to exit Dark Elf territory. Mux Drik, now at ease, spoke to K-Zu-Ziro through their shared mind.
“You know, you really should have taken that briefcase, old bean.”
“Do you consider yourself an important man?” asked K-Zu-Ziro curiously.
“Sadly not, I was just a diplomat—slightly important I suppose. But no, not very.”
“Explain to me the importance of your briefcase then.”
“If your goal is to weaken the power of the established nations then the briefcase would have been of particular use to us. It contained important documents related to an unpopular trade deal between the Republic of Corone and the Dark Elves. If the parameters of that deal had become public knowledge then the governments of both regions would have been verrrrrry embarrassed.”
“A shame. Speaking of your homeland, we will be journeying to Corone to put your knowledge to use.”
“Are you guys talking in your head without me?!” whined Digsy out loud as he bounced up and down with each step K-Zu-Ziro took.
K-Zu-Ziro dragged Digsy's mind into theirs to initiate a three-way conversation.
“There. We are just discussing our plans to travel to Corone.” explained the telepathic insect.
“Ah, wow. Sounds fun! Hey, what's up Mux! Does Ziro here let you see out of his eyes yet or what?”
“His?” protested the genderless K-Zu-Ziro.
“Thank the Lord, yes.” Mux responded, relief flushing through his trapped thoughts.
“Ziro?” asked the fuzzy child.
“Yes?”
“Why don't we talk to Mahia T-Zu-Hosto any more?”
“My parent is too far away,” it explained, “Now we can only connect with home when there is a full moon to act as a relay for our thoughts.”
“Ahh! I understand.” The Hostian youngster feigned comprehension.
-
"Then what?"
The tattered tome snapped shut and Elder Kcaj replied, "We don't know yet. That part of the Althanas timeline gets very foggy."
"Oh." replied the schoolgirl with solemn concern.
"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll discovered how to protect our world from these things with lots of time to spare!"
Thinking of his recently deceased dear sister, Elder Kcaj knew that he wasn't going to live long enough to know how the story ends.
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Storytelling (6/10): As a story, in and of itself, it is a fine piece, and as an origin story, it works well. My only problem with this is that while it does highlight some of the history of the society, and indeed highlights most everything it needs to, the narrative style itself changes around the same time that K-Zu-Ziro comes into the picture. While this is most likely intentional, it was a bit jarring. Working on making a smoother transition between the two narrative styles you’ve used in the thread (from all-knowing storyteller to a more limited point of view with the insectoid) will help your score in the long run if you intend to do this more often.
Setting (6/10): It’s about average. The description of the surroundings of the tree around the time that the massacre by K happens is fairly inspired and bumps it up a point, however. Paying attention to your surroundings, not just the look, but the smell, sounds, and feelings will help improve your score here significantly. Please keep these questions in mind as you write and it will help the reader visualize your areas as actual living, breathing things, instead of simple background props.
Pacing (5/10): The first part of the thread has a very smooth, slow progression to it, building up to the birth of the “Child of the Black Tree God,” which is good. It’s exactly what you want to do with a thread like this. However, from the moment of the creature’s birth to the end of the thread, it all seems rather rushed, and not in a climactic way either. K-Ku-Ziro’s developmental stages seemed to be rather short, in terms of its mental growth, but it came off as almost instant when I don’t believe that you intended that. Despite being an empty vessel filled to the brim, it still had its own personality and you could have stretched the thread out to a more fitting pace by exploring that before having the creature simply up and be sent on a mission. An idea to consider. Overall, just not rushing at the end will help improve this score.
Communication (6/10): The communication was good, though there wasn’t really all that much of it. I’d honestly need to see a bit more to give any pointers, and due to the overall lack of actual communication in the thread, what I saw was decent, but nothing spectacular. I look forward to seeing what you can do with this telepathic translator style, though. It should prove to be a most interesting thing to watch.
Action (6/10): This was fairly average. The parts where K was in his home turf, where he was being big and bad and dangerous, were fairly good. However, I would like you to keep in mind that focusing entirely upon that is not the best thing. Body language and simple gestures that the being performs are important too. You did highlight this once by explaining that his feet must stick into the ground a bit to help him keep his balance. More things like that would be welcome, just to keep it feeling that the character is not completely stationary during less action-oriented scenes.
Persona (7/10): I liked what I saw. Most of the characters, aside from Digsy, had their own unique personalities, even the one assimilated by the gargantuan insect. That was refreshing to see. Once you got into the main narrative part of the thing, you mostly made the characters seem real. The child, though, is an odd one. I would suggest polishing his personality a bit so that he has something else going for him than “wide-eyed youth.” That’s a nitpick among pretty decent characters, though.
Mechanics (8/10): Very few errors of any kind to be found. Just proofread a bit and you should be fine.
Clarity (4/10): Your use of certain words in place of others made very little sense and I found myself scratching my head within the first paragraph of your first post. This is not the introduction to one’s writing I would suggest for readers. Trying to make artistic use of words is fine, but you absolutely must re read your own posts a few hours later to make sure that your reader can still follow your thoughts without stumbling. Work on that and you’ll see this score rise dramatically.
Technique (5/10): You tried some things and they worked, you tried others and they failed. It’s a mixed bag here for this, so the average score is going to be assigned, as they were pretty much even in number. The best way for this score to be improved is to see the above comment. Technique for technique’s sake alone is not worth doing. You must still have a coherent story, one that is easy for the reader to follow. Most audiences don’t have the patience for something that’s unclear. Aside from that, it was a good effort in a style I’m not particularly used to reading, so good job.
Wild Card (5/10): Overall, a pretty standard effort. I liked it enough, even though it could be a bit obtuse at times. I managed to find my way back to the main track with some effort, so I won’t hold it too hard against the thread. I look forward to seeing where this monster being from another planet goes from here on out.
Total Score: 58/100
K-Zu-Ziro receives 1,361 EXP and 186 GP
Congratulations!
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