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William rolled his eyes at the scene unfolding before him and bit a hunk of meat from one of his kebabs. The sauce was light and fiery, something to really grab an unsuspecting consumer’s tongue in a vice. It was unfortunate that more people weren’t going to be able to sample this particular delicacy. Chewing thoughtfully, William let his eyes wander back to the action.
So it’s going to be like that, is it?
While Talen’s initial take down had drawn a couple of interested eyes, it had largely been ignored by the larger crowd. And who could blame them? He wouldn’t have been the first stumbling drunk to take a fall in the middle of the fair. But instead of taking their failure with good graces, the idiots had drawn steel in the middle of the crowd. There were a lot of weapons being carried around, it was Scara Brae City after all, but most of the people at the fair were simple unarmed civilians.
“Aw, hell,” the old kebab saleswoman muttered as she quickly closed her money box and started stuffing her wares inside her cart. All around them people were starting to push and shove to get away from the melee, and there was more than one call for the city watch.
And then, as if the naked steel wasn’t enough to start a panic, the young girl and her accomplice started flinging magic into the mix. William frowned at the display. These two might have some skill, but they didn’t seem to be on the same level as either Talen or himself. Just what sort of information did Talen thing that he could get from these two? William pondered the idea of simply killing everyone present ad moving on with his life, but shoved the instinct down. He’d never get any answers that way. Instead, he did as Talen had asked and provided backup.
The remaining kebab whipped out with incredible speed as William threw it into the face of the final thug. Hot meat slammed into the man’s face with the force of a heavy slap and he reeled as his face was coated in spicy sauce. A horrid shriek filled the air as the raven haired man fell to his knees, wiping ineffectually at the spices burning his eyes. William was impressed that the man managed not to flay his own scalp with his bladed gauntlet as he flailed, though it would have pleased him to see that.
Nodding at his own handiwork, William pulled his cloak tightly around him and slipped into the churning crowd, watching Talen for the next move.
-
Things didn’t quite go as Talen had expected. Then again, they rarely did. The youth let his arm be taken by the girl as a bemused smile slipped onto his face unwillingly. It was a kindness that Talen had not experienced in some time. He was either a monster, or some street kid not worth two dimes. It was so much… so much like her.
“Dammit…” muttered the dark haired child.
Talen’s eyes returned back to their cold, dead blue. He had managed to forget, even for just a second what had happened. The memories of the lion-hearted Ixian knight came flooding back in full force in a far more abrupt way than he had expected. This situation was bringing back memories, and painful ones at that. For now, he’d find solace against the would-be ruffians.
“Yeaaaarg!” screamed the clawed man as Talen brought his boot down hard on his clawed hand and cracked more than few bones.
“What do you know of the golden tower? Of the lighthouse and the secret island?” said Talen, with soft words with an undeniably heavy edge.
The man continued to squirm on the ground, his free hand moving from his trapped limb to his burning face. Talen’s face hardened, and his anger took over. His arm lifted into the air and pointed a palm to the sky. Darkness bloomed into a swirling mass until his hand dropped. A fist, the size of the pinned man dropped onto his body with a sickening squelch and crack. The pavement under him cracked and broke with the force as man and ground became closely acquainted. The giant black fist twisted away into nothing, leaving just the broken man and cracked stone.
Things were not quite what they seemed, as the man’s broken body twisted up and latched onto Talen’s leg. The youth found himself flying through the air, collected the ground with a thump and rolling several more feet. The broken body of the clawed man pushed itself up into a standing position. The man’s skin was twisted around exposed pieces of metal. Each twisting movement seemed pulled by invisible strings as he staggered forwards. The man’s companions seemed suddenly triggered by the events of their other being revealed. Semblance of humanity dropped leaving the twitching and fast moments of automata.
Talen started laughing as he pushed himself to his feet. He was sporting a large cut down his forehead, and his movements were clearly groggy from the impact.
“It’s all lies…” he said, pointing at the two tribal-kin, “whatever quest you two think you’re on, it’s all lies. This story, is being run by someone else. Someone who takes away what you love as soon as they’d dish it out.”
Talen straightened as the wound in his head closed, leaving only the trail of blood down his face. The baby-faced man he had downed before the chaos had erupted pushed himself to his feet with the same jerky movements of the others. It seemed destiny, pitching four automata against the four searchers.
“But I’ll kill whatever they send against me. I’ll not be controlled again.”
-
Revenant
Plot 15/30
Story - 4/10
There are elements to the building of a story here, but unfortunately that is really as far as it goes. The story falls flat, but this can be obviously attributed to the rushed nature of the final few posts, and the lack of a true conclusion. I appreciated the backstory in the early posts, and how it wove itself through the second set.
Setting - 6/10
There was a setting, and without it this chance meeting of the competitors would have never taken place. In that regard, I applaud you. Usually, in rushed threads like these the setting tends to go unutilized or becomes just a backdrop. At the very least, you incorporated it, and I assume with more time or more posts could have fleshed it out far more.
Pacing - 5/10
The pacing of the thread felt right on with what I’d expect, but obviously without a conclusion it suffers. The action rose and then just sort of died as quickly as it began, especially with the whole spicy sauce to the thug’s face bit. Just like the previous two, I’m certain a solid conclusion would’ve done wonders for this thread.
Character 18/30
Communication - 7/10
The dialogue between all parties felt natural and as close to character as I would expect, but this is especially true of William. As you’ll note in how I read William’s first set of dialogue, he read like a gruff veteran of combat, and it came out in how I read his voice - which I will add was entirely natural feeling. Again, I’d need a conclusion with some extra William commander speech to really seal this one, but well done here.
Action - 5/10
Far too little, far too late. The thread doesn’t really pick up until the kebab stand, and then it just ends right after that. I gave you an extra point here for the spicy sauce kebab maneuver. Clever trick that.
Persona - 6/10
I get William’s character. I especially get it in the early post, but then it does sort of fall a bit flat. He still sort of commands things, but in time it seems like Talen kind of becomes the de facto conductor of the team. For one reason or another, the team feels more natural with William at the helm and directing/guiding Talen around. It felt, at the end, their team is more like Talen is Lassie and William is the little boy going “what is it boy? Timmy fell down the well?”
Prose 18/30
Mechanics - 7/10
There were mechanical errors, but they were few and far between. A typo here, an oddly formed sentence there, but nothing that overall detracted from the thread. Well done.
Clarity - 5/10
Again, this thread suffers from a lack of a solid conclusion, and really the more I’ve read over it, it needs a truly longer and more in-depth middle. Everything sets up nicely for a fun little time, and then it just sort of ends. This is like the roller coaster reaching the apex of the first hill, and then never going over the top.
Technique - 6/10
What technique you did use, you used well enough. That is as far as the technique goes, though, which is why the score is what it is. Your posts read like a young adult novel, which is neither bad nor good, and in turn provide a decent flow and read. Still, I’d like to see just a bit more literary technique thrown in here and there, but overall it was fine.
Wildcard 10/10
In this tournament, I am using the wildcard score as a means to offer tangible bonus to those who post within the first 24 hours of an opponent. This is to encourage all participants to post quickly to hopefully see more completed threads. While this one did not reach that mark, it was certainly not your fault. Good job!
Total 61/100
Hysteria
Plot 15/30
Story 5/10
This thread just sort of happens. There is backstory early on, and I could see you trying to tie it in via the whole “secret at the end of the maze” bit. The problem is, much as I described for Rev above, it just falls entirely too flat. I need more than a build up with no payoff.
Setting 6/10
As I noted with Rev above, this thread could not have taken place anywhere else. It necessitated use of the kebab vendor, and the fair itself. Still, though, it needed a lot more to really deliver on use of the setting, and instead just incorporated it enough to make the setting more like backdrop to a performance than an actual setting.
Pacing 4/10
Your score was hurt here by the sudden dispatch of the would-be kidnapper, and as noted below it felt forced and far too jarring for comfort. The thread still flowed relatively well, but the lack of a middle or conclusion really hurt all of you here.
Character 13/30
Communication 5/10
Talen’s dialogue shifts between a still green soldier to a headstrong, borderline obnoxiously cocky teenager, and in theory this is as intended. However, the final dialogue of your second post just didn’t seem to fit his discussion only moments before. Perhaps it was just how I read it in particular, but it didn’t mesh and it hurt you.
Action 4/10
Talen’s karate chop move to disable the would-be kidnapper held no validity for me as a reader. He may as well be the Flash given both his insane speed and near perfect strike. The lack of anyone, other than the poor sod’s friends, noticing also lent to a moment that felt uncomfortable to the reader, and entirely too forced. The thread needed more action, and the most offered in your posts was this singular moment, really, thus the heavier point deduction.
Persona 4/10
In Communication above, I took note of the dialogue shift for Talen, and it plays into the lower score here as well. It just felt so unnatural and so out of place, even for a teenager with Attention Deficit Disorder, that I couldn’t ignore it. Further, “Back me up” is so overly cliche, and for one as talented as yourself I certainly expected more. Still, it wasn’t all that bad, and I absolutely loved the introductory thought line “By Yedda’s blue sky”.
Prose 18/30
Mechanics 6/10
There were a few notable spots where a word choice leaves the reader confused. Particularly of note in your first post - “more food that one would normally see in a week.” Proper use is more than. I figure this was just a typo. Another noteworthy mechanics flaw - “He was frustrated by day three of his stakeout, be doggedly determined to continue.” Proper use would be “, but doggedly determined to continue.” There are very minor mistakes, and thus nothing too heavy on point deductions.
Clarity 4/10
There were a few clarity issues, and most of them are just due to odd sentence structure or a strange choice of wordings. In your second post, “Just then then, the situation had been clouded by mystery and shadowy plots,” leaves the reader with an uncomfortable pause, and doesn’t really make sense upon first reading. The most egregious, however, is when Talen takes a bite of the kebab and speaks with a mouthful of food. His next dialogue, only moments later, he speaks perfectly. Did he swallow the food? Did he spit it out? It leaves the reader a bit unclear, and is a bit on the jarring side.
Technique 8/10
Your use of alliteration intertwined poetically with the rest of your writing in this thread. In the first post, “sweet smell of cotton candy”, is so eloquently woven into the introduction and really does well to set the scene. Further in your second post, “forceful focus” is used and again it doesn’t detract from the reading, but enhances it quite a bit. I’ve seen other writers try this technique, and they use it so much it becomes forced and unnatural. You never reached that point in your technique and it showed. Very well done.
Wildcard 8/10
As noted in Rev’s Wildcard above, this tournament is using wildcard to help incentivize quicker posting. Your first and second posts were fine on the time limit, and your third was just outside the 48 hours. For every 24 hours a post is delayed following an opponent’s post, a wildcard point will be deducted. It didn’t hurt you here, but it will be worth keeping in mind going forward.
Total 54/100
Ridge
Plot 13/30
Story - 4/10
Admittedly, I am intrigued by the whole God Mother shitck, but beyond that there was very little in the way of story. I like the concept of Ridge and hope you’ll stick around beyond this tournament. The story and pacing really were hurt most by the lack of a true middle and conclusion. Read my comments to both Hysteria and Revenant on this above.
Setting - 5/10
Your early inclusion of the carny style booth worked quite well, however, it just sort of ended due to the way your opponents didn’t really play with it. Beyond that, there isn’t much setting to point to. The story needed more use of the setting, but the rushed nature of tournament threads really hurt all of you here.
Pacing - 4/10
So there is a beginning and...welp, that’s about it really. The story just kind of takes place, and the pace is far, far too hurried. Then it just dies abruptly. I do attribute this entirely to the nature of the thread, but two weeks should reasonably be enough time to finish a full thread. More thought into how to tie elements together to form a reasonable conclusion would’ve helped you tremendously here.
Character 18/30
Communication - 6/10
Ridge as a character is interesting enough to hold the reader, and his dialogue feels natural for the most part. Ultimately, being a newcomer, one of the toughest things to nail out of the gate is dialogue for a new character. Eventually, you’ll find a good sense of who Ridge is, and he won’t feel quite so Brock from Pokemon-esque.
Action - 6/10
I gave you credit for Brock, I mean Ridge, ducking down a bit within the crowd when trying to keep a low profile and simultaneously find Dilah. Much like for Revenant and Hysteria, however, this thread needed more. A lack of a conclusion is just hard to overlook in this one.
Persona - 6/10
While I do keep making the joke about Ridge feeling a lot like Brock from Pokemon, but it is the archetype he most resembles, for good reason I assume. With time and some character development, he can become his own flavor of Brock, and hold some real depth. I absolutely love his sense of duty to protect Dilah, and it certainly won you a point or two here.
Prose 18/30
Mechanics - 7/10
I give you credit, while even though you were clearly rushed in trying to get out what posts you did, you still managed to maintain solid Mechanics. There were no glaring typoes or spelling mistakes, and nothing I found that really caused confusion while reading. Kudos. This is only made higher with a conclusion and middle.
Clarity - 4/10
The intro paragraphs for each post were jarring and uncomfortable. They totally removed the reader from the flow of the thread, and it was an unfortunate thing. Those deep thinking moments are best used as internal monologues or internal thoughts, and not as narrative to open a scene, especially in the midst of the actual story.
Technique - 7/10
The techniques you used were done well enough, but much like Revenant above you just didn’t go above and beyond what I would expect a middle schooler to offer. This isn’t a knock on your writing ability, but just a point of contention. For some readers, the best writing will never reach higher than a 6 or 7 in Technique, as use of it become too much and destroy clarity. It takes a fine balance, and I said I noted above the bits you did use worked fine.
Wildcard - 5/10
See comments to Revenant and Hysteria on how Wildcard is working for this tournament. The big delay really hurt you here.
Total - 54/100
Dilah
Plot 14/30
Story - 4/10
Much like for everyone else above, the story fell flat due to the rise of intensity and then the sudden slamming of the brakes. The backstory of the God Mother plays less for Dilah, but you interwove it gently. I’m hoping to get to read more of Dilah in the coming months.
Setting - 6/10
Your utilization of the setting is admirable. From the kebab vendor to the passerby’s glass of water, you wonderfully wove various tidbits of the scene into your posts. Never did it feel forced, but instead felt very natural and comfortable. Much like with Revenant above, I gave you a bonus point for your execution here.
Pacing - 4/10
I know I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but the lack of a middle or conclusion to this thread is very difficult to overlook. It absolutely destroyed any pacing you four were building to, and it left me as the reader feeling kind of empty. This thread needed more time, and I have no doubt with more it could’ve been much, much better.
Character 19/30
Communication - 6/10
You have a good grasp of who you want Dilah to be, and it shows in how you write her. Her dialogue, and the bits of Ridge’s you did, felt quite natural. Even her body language was right on with what I’d expect from a teenager. My major gripe here is there wasn’t enough dialogue, especially from Dilah, and much like everything else it would’ve been better with more time.
Action - 6/10
While the lack of a conclusion certainly hurt, I wanted to commend you on the excellent use of abilities within the confines of the thread. Your ability to interweave these supernatural movements into such a natural setting, and to do so without breaking any of the various “walls” for a reader, is something you should be extremely proud to have executed so well. Please keep writing on Althanas, I love your style!
Persona - 7/10
Dilah, much like Ridge above, needs more time. While she doesn’t feel as much Misty from Pokemon as Ridge felt like Brock, there’s still some of that same vibe. The difference is as much as Ridge feels like Brock, there is enough separation from Misty and Dilah that it actually feels like a different character. I think a lot of that comes from the use of Tiny Dancer within the thread. I would imagine with more time Dilah can become quite the character, and will be delighting readers for ages.
Prose 18/30
Mechanics - 7/10
All four of you were talented enough writers that the few very minor errors in the thread did not jar the reader too overly much. Your execution was well done, and much like with Ridge’s comments even though you were clearly rushed your capability to maintain quality mechanics is reassuring. Keep it up!
Clarity - 5/10
The lack of a conclusion, again, hurt you here. I found myself at times a bit attached to seeing what happened next, and knowing it was over so quickly made me quite sad as a reader. With this note aside, your writing flows nicely and doesn’t hurt you. With more time, you would’ve scored significantly higher here.
Technique - 6/10
While you didn’t throw in anything obnoxiously highbrow, you did manage to maintain a comfortable technique. Nothing was gaudy or overdone, and all of your posts were well-written as noted in Mechanics. Still, the lack of a conclusion hurts you here.
Wildcard - 3/10
See comments to Revenant and Hysteria on how Wildcard is figured up for this tournament, and please understand this is in no way a reflection of your writing or character. It is simply a means to reward those who post quickly, and to help mitigate delays as much as possible.
Total - 54/100
Winners - Super Awesome Fun Time, Best Pals Go!
Revenant receives 3300 EXP and 50 GP
Hysteria receives 3750 EXP and 40 GP
Ridge receives 1050 EXP and 25 GP
Dilah receives 1050 EXP and 25 GP
Special Note: Congratulations are certainly due to Rev and Hyst, but I want to commend the work Dilah and Ridge did in such a short timeframe. I would have loved for this thread to have a more solid conclusion, and obviously, more time. Due to the nature of tournaments, however, a deadline is necessary. Thank you for participating, and just know I'll be watching all of your stories unfold.
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