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My Lord’s fist smashed into Stalt with burst of dirt and crunch of bone. The giant black hand ground the man into the dirt in somewhat of an over aggressive move. I doubted that more than a normal punch was needed to finish Stalt off in that condition. The giant hand dissolved into the air, and the crumpled form beneath was revealed. Blood mixed with dirt, and limbs was sitting in slightly the wrong position. It wasn’t pretty, but then there was little that my Lord did that was.
It wasn’t until I turned my eyes back to Talen that I noticed Stalt’s final goodbye. It was a futile thrust from death’s maw, but Stalt’s blade found purchase in my Lord’s chest. Despite the wound Talen seemed to actually grow less feeble. The magic that was punishing his body subsided, and his frame straightened up. It was a nonchalant moment as he pulled the dagger free and tossed it to the ground. A splatter of blood followed and painted the ground near the fallen Stalt a deep red. It was an amount you’d be worried about, but Talen simply turned and walked towards the exit.
I pushed myself up to my feet and for the first time noticed the weight of magic that had been taken from my head. It was a dangerous magic that man played with, not one that I’d so easily throw around. I didn’t dwell on it too long as I made to my Lord’s side. I scooted through the mostly empty stands as my feet squelched beneath me; still soaked with mead. Quick jumps down some steps, then around the fence and I made it to the exit as my Lord reached it. I tilted my head slightly as he approached, although I still towered over his child form.
“Well done my Lord,” I said.
“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Talen?” he said, his voice flat as he continued his slow walk.
I glanced at him; the wound on his chest had healed, though his cloths were still filthy with sweat, blood and dirt. I couldn’t place the look on his face at first. It wasn’t quite content as there was a touch of frustration. It was not uncommon for him to finish fights early, although I thought perhaps it was the brevity of this battle that left a bitter-sweet taste in his mouth.
“At least one more, my Lord,” I replied, offering a small smile that he ignored.
He moved passed me, and I, as always followed. I hopped that he was going to a change room, I needed to change my shoes, and he stank more than a Fallien toilet pit.
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A gentle breeze washed over the emptied arena. Sand and dirt swept across a bloodied, filthy, ruined corpse. As two gentle hands lifted the broken head, flesh and bone slid away without difficulty. "There is nothing beautiful about the act of dying," muttered the Ai'Brone as a crimson mush snapped free from the body. Bone crumbled to dust where the youth's spine had been pulverized. "But death itself is not so bad."
A look of fondness crept into his gaze as he held the ruined head just a bit longer, then a voice broke the tender moment. "Artem," came the harsh command, "do not linger over the fallen. Win or lose, they must be resurrected quickly, or be lost to the other side."
Artem sighed. "I wonder if some of them might prefer that to waking up robbed of their glory."
He dropped the head of Tobias Stalt ingloriously to the dirt and clasped his hands, painted with the contender's viscera. His voice chanted low, a mantra from their aestic order. "If they came here to die, they came to the wrong place," the elder monk chided, "we are a peaceful order, and are abhorrent of death."
The chant faltered for half a second, and Artem only smiled. Beneath their feet, the remains of Stalt shivered and began to writhe. "So then, why do we condone this vicious cycle of pain and rebirth, Elder Martin?"
"It teaches them," Martin replied softly, "the value of life. Some of them never learn, but I suspect there are a few who have."
Bone and sinew began to knit back together. Dust congealed and reformed as bone. Flesh plastered itself back together and blood seeped back into the bloated body. The empty eyes and content smile that were his death mask greeted the two Ai'Brone, and they blinked.
"I think,"Artem managed to reply, "you have made some of them too comfortable with death."
"Death is a part of life," Martin answered simply.
Tobias gasped harshly and filled his lungs with air.
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Thread is Closed to be judged shortly.
Regardless of outcome, Hysteria Advances.
Tobias disqualified to judge Serenti in leave of previous judge.
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Correction:
Tobias is permitted to continue as normal. Arrangements have been made to permit him to participate.
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Thread Title: Serenti Round 1 Tobias vs Hysteria
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Tobias Stalt vs Hysteria
Tobias Stalt:
Plot: 20
Story: 7 From your opening post you wove a good strong tale of a witchhunter against someone who relied on magic. You opened with a sense of strange justice, and ended with a death, and not even in your main character’s voice. Overall it was powerful and there was a reason for most of everything. What was perhaps missing was a wider story that you could of brought in, and you definitely do have the potential for that with a character like Tobias.
Setting: 6 Setting in its simplicity was well made formed. It was an arena definitely, and you described it well, including the open sky. What you could have done to improve your posts, however, was to use it for your benefit and talking with it further as you fight, such as the feel of sand beneath your character’s shoes, more of the roars of people etc.
Pace: 7 Pacing was more or less done very well. A couple of times in posts 4 and 6 things did speed up as the action intensified, and this was well done for the plot itself. Just a warning, however - things did become a little less clear around this point so just a reminder to try and still keep all actions obvious even when pace gets faster.
Character: 20
Communication: 8 The communication you have is few but it is strong. You fully embrace the fact that Tobias is being poisoned and his speech does begin to be impaired because of it. The strong language identifies Tobias’ anger and determination and the little that there is of it suggests his temperament and the true idea that he is “lost”.
Action: 7 The use of adverbs cannot be under-rated and you use them very well here. Specifically in dealing with simple actions you hold your own in this fight, using subtle actions with just small description to make them come across well. Subtle actions really build character’s individuality.
Persona: 5 For much of this thread you do not use thoughts and/or internal processes much. Most of your focus is on action, and indeed, you do carry that well, however more intrigue towards Persona would help your thread. You do touch on this subject with feelings an attitude and determination, however these are subtle and interwoven with the rest of your story. What you do portray of your character is strong, and in some way a blank slate of thought gives partial idea into the “lost” man who is Tobias, but there is potential here that you miss.
Writing: 22
Mechanics: 8 Aside from a couple of spelling errors Mechanics was more or less good. Advise though - try to space out your speech from other paragraphs to help with neatness. Some of your paragraphs do become a little squashed. Aside from this - good.
Clarity: 6 Clarity was more or less good as a topic, with a defined beginning middle and end. The only problem, really was during posts circa 3 to 7 (see pacing) wherein this judge had to go back a couple of times to read again what was going on. A small amount of caution here would be good in future.
Technique: 8 Wonderful. Top notch, you describe beautifully and enthrallingly in a way which grabs the reader and draws them in. Particular moments of strength were in describing the blows that Tobias received, his breathing and unsteadiness when he got poisoned and similar actions. Even simple things worked miracles in posts such as: “Gentle sunlight reflected off the sea below” Keep up this amazing style!
Wildcard: 6 Verging on madness. Faced with such a strange and mighty foe you did extremely well facing off against him, with a character who has been through so much and seems to have questionable sanity.
Final Score: 68
Hysteria:
Plot: 21
Story: 7 Having an alternative narrator worked really well in terms of story (it worked against you in some ways, but this will be discussed later). It set another perspective, a unique one and allowed the reader to watch as one of the crowd, to feel the action and poison as it came. Interacting the narrator with the battle as well, such as using the poison for your own gain, was specifically powerful. The only thing really lacking was a reason and a backstory to why Talen was there, and also more about the narrator themselves. That would have helped to pull your reader in more.
Setting: 8 Setting you did amazingly well with. By commenting on the people and using them as part of the plot (such as in post 7) you drew the reader to the attention of the setting. You also used it well as Talen went into the sky, and then came down and had his blades in the sand. Constantly you referred to the setting and reminded the reader of its existence, so well done.
Pace: 6 Pace was done well, rising well with the action and tailing off when it needed to. With your alternative perspective of your narrator character, however, there were a couple of times where pauses happened, separating the main action of the battle from what was going around the narrator. One example is the start of post 7, there is a paragraph or so from an NPC: ““F@%k this!” shouted the man next to me, “Those crazy bastards will kill us all!”.
In this case the pacing is something clumsy, with a slowing down of it in the midst of the battle. In some ways this alternative narration does work, but in future make sure the pacing is not erred because of the changes in attention.
Character: 20
For all of these I am going to talk about Talen and Ana both.
Communication: 6 In terms of communication, firstly I can say you have a good hold of what you want your character’s voices to sound like. There is little speech overall, and maybe this is partly because this thread is a battle, but what you do have is well written. The first speech you have for either of them is dark and threatening, with “Foolish tricks… just biding time.” Overall you could have more, especially from the perspective of Ana, whose only lines are in your last post, as this would help to build more of a base.
Action: 8 Action is the best of your three sections in Character. Not only do you show that Talen is able to suffer and is not completely a god-like shadow master (posts 7 and 9) but you follow each action through within the fight. Teleporting powers can lead to unclarity, but you manage to get through this fine. Ana reactions are perfectly believable and hint subtly at what sort of a person she is.
Persona: 7 Persona you do pick up on and use well. You have personal thoughts of Ana’s coming through constantly, directly and as part of the overall first person narrative. Others from Talen are hinted at, such as with “just die!” in post 9, but these can also merge in with Ana’s. This is one of the problems with using an extra narrator, especially in first person, who is not your main character, when the narrator almost overtakes the main character. Overall it was done well, as you pushed Persona beyond normal internal thought etc, but the confusion here of characters is leading to a lesser mark.
Writing: 21
Mechanics: 8 Similar to Tobias, the only real main problem was a couple of spelling errors here and there, but this is nothing a rough quick spellcheck cannot handle. Overall everything is fairly neat and apt, and there is little complaint to make.
Clarity: 6 This thread does have a clear plot and it carries through well, from start to end, but there is one main thing keeping you from high points here: At one or two moments there is confusion over who is the main character within the piece - Ana or Talen, as they merge together in idendity (focus point example, middle of post 9). Often this is good for a quest or a longer piece, say a novel, but for a short battle thread this can actually be a marring point.
Technique: 7 Certainly you have power here. You weave an excellent tale, using not only adjectives but pieces of interior conversation. One particular point where this is strong is post 11 with: “ It wasn’t tactics, or foolishness that pushed him forwards. It was the game, and his determination to make a statement against the seriousness of the man he fought” You could make use of more techniques such as metaphor and similie, so try to work on this in the future.
Wildcard: 7 Wildcard definitely goes to use of the first person narrator. In some ways this experiment works, in other ways it has difficulties but so much kudos to you for trying it out. It made the thread really fun to read and interesting.
Final Score: 69
Hysteria Wins!
Rewards:
Hysteria receives:
4025 EXP
85 GP
Tobias Stalt receives:
1050 GP
85 GP
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xp and gp added
(vengence is mine!)
