Team Registration: Outriders

Team Name: Outriders

Team Members: Teal and Mikado

Links to characters: Arc Archer and Shandris Velcon

(Yah, I hijacked the team name. But we have to get this in, and you aren't on MSN. So...the honors of the first post go to you)

Cough, cough, cough. An aroma stick was hanging out of the corner of his mouth. He hated this smell, but it was the only one that was intense enough to make him to notice it. After all Arc had lost all of his senses, so being able to smell anything, good or bad, was better than nothing.

But, god, he hated it. The aroma had already filled the empty library room. The old wooden walls were close to falling apart, which fitted the broken glass in the windows. But even though the building had a rather depressing look, the old furniture and soft lightening made it very cosy inside. Because the building would be destroyed together with everything inside it next week, it made the perfect meeting place. Arc received a letter some time ago which said that there was a tournament held, and that an old "friend" of his was in need of a partner. Since fighting was Arc's only way of living, he accepted and they decided to meet here.

While waiting, he glanced over some of the books that nobody had taken away. They too, had only one path to follow - to be read - yet nobody took them, and nobody will save them from their end together with this dusted library. He too was once about to be thrown away, as what can one do without his senses? But he was lucky, and someone pushed him up and he escaped from his end. Absorbed by these thoughts he stood up and walked towards the bookshelves. He could only sense the location and material of objects, but what the small ink prints called "titles" said, remained a secret to Arc. So without knowing what book he would choose, he grabbed the back of one of those books and put it in his leather bag. Just like that, this book was chosen to be saved from her end, while all those other would be crushed in one week. It was luck, a painful savior who acted here. A savior Arc hated, but had to be grateful towards.

What was he doing? All these thoughts were only dosing him down. He almost didn't notice that someone entered the room. He hadn't seen her for almost one year now, and he wondered whether she was just as sharp as she was in the past.

"Long time no see Shan."

The steady fall of footsteps on the hard packed dirt. The loud hum of conversation. The dirty aroma of the city. The cool stone of the bench. Shandris breathed it all in. She couldn't see the old library across the street, but Shandris could remember it. She had spent much time there, helping the sickly old librarians carry books throughout the building for a few pieces of silver. She remembered the smell of the all the old books, their rough leather bindings and their worn pages. It had been a good year. Now, of course, no one would ever experience that library again. It was to be ripped apart in a week, the books crushed and the timber recycled for other buildings. It seemed like a waste of time. The place was bound to collapse at any second.

Shandris stood up from the stone bench and stretched. She cracked her eyes open, adding in the sights of the city to her mind. A mill of people. A skyline of buildings. A horse drawn carriage. And, of course, an old, rundown library. The sunlight reached down to touch the studded leather that she wore over her shirt, and then reached further down to sparkle on the edge of a chain mail shirt that she had on underneath. Her assortment of knives and swords jangled slightly as she began to move across the busy street, drawing a few odd glances from the locals.

The doors to the library remained ornate even in its disrepair. A large book blossomed in the center of the oak double doors, its pages and cover carefully cut on many years ago by some woodworker. Around the book was a spiraling ribbon that twisted and turned before curling around the two handles. Shandris gripped these, and knuckles brushing against the carvings and pushed open the doors as silently as possible. Arc was standing in the center of an aisle, running his fingers across the shelves and carrying a leather sack. He reached out, removed a book from a shelf and then stuffed it into his bag before turning to look at her. "Long time no see Shan."

Shandris allowed a smile to break out on her face. But only for a second. It had been a year since they had last met. She made it a rule not to like people, yet Arc had always been tolerable. Coming from her, "tolerable" was a compliment. She gestured vaguely towards the sack, bulging slightly from the book that it now held. "The book that you chose. It's called 'Curnap the Goblin.' For children. Shouldn't you be reading something a bit more advanced then that?" Before he could answer, she continued on. "But on another note, I see that you found my letter. We have one day to practice and get to the tournament grounds. Shall we cut the pleasantries and begin?"

Oh right, this was why they picked the deserted library, nobody would mind if they'd rough it up a bit during their "sparring".

"You should know that the blind don't know what books they pick. I'll probably donate it to some warden or so."

He tossed the leather bag into the corner hoping that their match wouldn't reach it there.

Arc took a deep breath and put his hand in front of himself. The air around it began to flash blue and whirl around his open palm. The air reflected all colours making whatever he was holding in his hand pure white. It could be a short sword, a knife or maybe a club, the light didn't give it away.

"Let's see whether you're still worth my attention."

With that he slashed across the book shelves and blew them towards Shan. At the same time he leaped towards the ceiling and dashed down upon her with a second whirl of energy in his second hand. His eyes reflected the light of his invisible blades whom light began to dim to lower their visibility.

Shan's eyes sparkled. "It's easy to forget that you're blind the way you handle yourself. Most blind people can't fight, remember old man?" Arc looked like someone in his thirties, though looks could be deceiving. She had pulled his story out of him years ago, and in truth, he was nearing his three hundredth year in existence.

As Shan watched him gather his energy, she drew her short sword from her left hip. The light mythril sparkled in the air, throwing glimmering lights onto the nearby bookshelves. With her other hand, she pulled an iron dagger from her other hip, holding in preparation for throwing. She didn't have much training in the projectile arts, but the blades where weighted for it. Besides, this was a spar and her minimal blade tossing abilities would hopefully not cause any harm to Arc.

With the rush and hiss of hundreds of crackling pages, the books on either side of her were swept from their shelves and blasted down the aisle towards the doors where Shan stood. Her reflexes took over, and she bolted to the left, moving out of sight of Arc. The books smashed into the double doors, blowing the old wood open and then scattering themselves out onto the steps and the street below.

Shan took a few steps back and put a table between her and the exit to the aisle where Arc had been standing. A second later, he had leaped into the air, flying towards the spot where she had been moments before. As he was about to land, she threw her dagger at where his torso would be when he touched down, hoping to make him waste one of his whirls of light to block.

Fast.

The small dagger was invisible to the eye but Arc could sense it without any problems. It's speed, weight, material... well Arc didn't have to worry about her equipment at least. Without any trouble he slashed the dagger away. When normal people have trouble of aiming and being concentrated, accuracy for Arc was as simple as moving towards an object, bad angles or movement issues didn't apply to him.

He immediately dashed towards Shan. With immense speed he jumped onto the table and quickly slashed the energy blade at her. He knew her well, and expected her to parry or guard his attack. A moment before the collision he released the blade and let himself fall backwards, taking the table with him. He threw the other weapon (which appeared to be a spear) into the the ceiling above them. The table was know again a border between them, and with that, Arc snapped his fingers. On that mark the sword released its potential energy, breaking the weapon and bursting out in a small explosion. Even though he held back with that explosion, the table that took the hit for him got ripped apart. He rolled backwards with the strength of the explosion and then released the energy of the second weapon, still stuck in the ceiling above Shan. The blade exploded, and while it didn't reach her, it crumbled the ceiling and the whole rubbish descended on Shan just moments after the first explosion.

Shan's dagger was easily parried, but that had been expected. The small iron blade clattered to the floor, its edge now dull. She made a quick mental note of its location before taking a step back with her right foot and placing her buckler between herself and her foe. She had forgotten how fast he was, though she was still confident that she was faster.

In a fluid motion, Arc leaped up onto the table and swung one of his light weapons down upon her. Shan raised her buckler about her head and caught the blow, ducking down at the same time to reduce the impact. The sharp edge of the sword stuck into the reinforced wood of her shield, yet she noticed that it weighed very little. As Arc fell backwards off of the table, flipping it on its side so that it formed a makeshift wall, she focused her mind and dipped into her pool of arcane energy, keeping a small tendril of it ready.

Shan knew how Arc's powers worked. The weapons that he summoned could be detonated, and the explosion that they caused would quickly end this sparring match if taken head on. While her foe threw the other light weapon into the air, she smashed her buckler down on the table, dislodging the sword and instead embedding it into the old wood of the table.

Arc snapped his fingers. As Shan felt the small release of power, she pushed her own arcane energy at it, trapping it in space for a brief second. As the two magics struggled against each other, took two steps back and knelt down, placing her buckler in between herself the blade. Finally, Arc's power won out, and the blade snapped in half, releasing a blast of light and energy. She felt her shield snap in half and then crumble the explosion washed over it, and she herself was blown back several feet. Quickly, she leaped to her feet and took another pair of steps backwards. The two of them were now about three meters apart.

Another whisper of energy snuck through the air, and Arc was too far away for Shan to try to counter his spell again. The spear above them broke apart, and exploded as the sword did in a flash of light. The ceiling crumbled and a swarm of wood and stone crashed down into the library floor, raising up a cloud of dust which blocked Arc from her view. Taking advantage of their inability to see each other, she drew another dagger and waited for her foes next move.

Rolling back on his feet Arc noticed hoe Shan evaded his movement, and dust and rubbish was now blocking sight. Information about your enemy was truly the key to victory. Fighting against someone who knew him him well was completely different than challenging someone for the first (and with that usually the last) time. Very well it was time to take this battle to the next stage.

Without a moment of doubt he summoned two throwing swords. Before the energy got a chance to shine he already warped the two blades through the wall of dust. He saw the world in areas and objects, and he had no trouble with obstacles like dust, unlike his opponent. The two blades struck the wall not too far behind Shan. The blades exploded, and while out of reach of Shan, from behind and all around her dust filled the air. It was thick and hard to see through but not something that Arc had to worry about. The next moment summoned two handful of blades, he concentrated on her legs, arms and torso and with two slashes threw the blades at her. One of the blades flew far to her left and exploded there trying to catch her attention. Hoping the dulled blades would hit he summoned two more weapons in his hands and one on his back, and moved forwards to attack.

Shandris knew she was at a disadvantage here. Arc could detect her movement no matter where she went, while she was blinded by the swirl of dust drifting from the now wrecked ceiling. She switched her stance so that her sword was between her and the old man, holding her dagger loosely in her other hand. Two blades whistled by her body, thudding into the wall several meters behind her. She felt her armor squeeze against her body as the blades snapped and released their energy, but they were too far away to hurt her. More importantly, a second cloud of dust swirled up from behind her and encircled her body, pressing in from all sides, leaving her completely blind except to her direct left and right.

The two light weapons had also shown Shan the location of Arc as they were flung from his body. Before her could conjure more weapons to use, she used her left arm to fling another dagger at where his torso was through the dust, hoping to buy herself a second of time before he attacked again. After the dagger left her body, she darted to the left, moving out of the dust and into the relative safety of one of the aisles.

A swarm of small blades darted through the air through the spot where Shan had been moments before. One of them struck the shelf in front of her, and the explosion made it rock dangerously. Shan twisted around and leaned against the wood and books, using her back to support it and stop it from falling on top of her. Meanwhile, she reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a small metal sphere. Using a small amount of arcane power, she filled it with energy. The sphere buzzed in her hand and glimmered in the dark library. She retreated farther back in the aisle, watching the spot where she had been previously.

The sphere was a rudimentary grenade. Once filled with magic it would cause a large explosion when broken open. Any small impact would shatter the delicate metal shell. Shan would wait until Arc showed his face at the opening to the aisle before tossing it at his feet and turning tail to run for the back of the library. The explosion would be great enough to knock down the nearby shelves and she did not want to be anywhere near them when they fell.

"You about ready to end this?" Shan called out through the thickening dust.

As judged by Ataraxis, with scores and comments discussed and agreed upon by Ebivoulya and Tristam, the members of Panel B.

Trial Judging
Team ‘Outriders’

Hello to the both of you! I’ll be your judge this evening. This was a relatively quick thread to read through, even if it was over 2600 words. You’ll be docked a minimal amount of points, as you only went above the extra, ‘no-docking’ margin by a hundred words or so.

N.B.: Mikado, we’re going to have to reopen your profile since his True Sense skill (or so I’ll call it, for now) wasn’t in there. Since you wrote your character’s loss of senses as something that actually makes him see and feel everything better than most humans, that should be added somewhere in your profile – with limitations. I felt you went borderline powergaming by seeing everything and blocking everything. Due to that, his speed might also need to be reduced to 2x, to balance it out. I apologize for the inconvenience, but this is necessary to prevent arguments in with your potential future opponents.

Story – 2.625/5

This was a rather basic story, which is quite alright. Old ‘friends’ convene in a soon to be destroyed locale for a sparring match, in preparation for a tournament. What I thought was lacking, however, was insight into the characters themselves. Considering the fact that I approved both of you, I remember your character histories well enough to know you didn’t mention them here. The fact that Arc was a familiar was never mentioned (though you did give some insight by saying he was once almost discarded due to losing his senses), and the fact that Shan was a treasure hunter was also omitted. Arc did say he only wanted to participate because fighting was his livelihood, but Shan never did say she was in it for the money. These things don’t take more than a few sentences to say, so if you advance to round 1, try to incorporate these things into your writing so that the readers at least have some understanding of their identities and motivations. How they actually came to be friends might also be something of interest to include later on.

The setting was average. Considering the length of the battle, the amount of mentions to the setting were more or less adequate, but they were generally lacklustre. Shan did write a few gems, though, especially in the beginning – you created a setting with an ambiance, and there was a clear vibe to the city and the path leading to the abandoned library. Mikado, you did a fair job by describing the walls falling apart and the broken windows. The mention of the aroma, while interesting, was a mystery, as the reader has no idea what kind of aroma it was. Overly redolent? Flowery? Woodsy? You also did rather adequately by using the ceiling, the bookshelves and the tables to your advantage. To improve here, you’ll need to give more than basic attention to the setting when you write, and try to make more evocative descriptions, without going overboard into thick, purple prose. As for the pacing of the battle, it was fairly easy to read through and I didn’t hit any notable roadblock.

Character – 2.625/5

The dialogue was calm and collected throughout, for both of your characters. It was believable and interesting, mostly at the beginning, but when the fight was about to start, it felt unnatural. The transition from reminiscence to smack-talk was a bit abrupt. There wasn’t much internal dialogue, though I did pick up things from the indirect dialogue in the narration. Overall, it was good, but there was nothing really impressive in their interaction, perhaps because they acted more like acquaintances than ‘friends’.

I enjoyed the depth of the comparison between Arc and the books that were soon to be destroyed. The fact that he chose to save one at random was also a key moment in revealing what type of person he was – tortured by his past and darkly nostalgic. He seems to keep a lot to himself, and one just wonders how these two befriended each other. He doesn’t seem to evince much of anything in a fight, however: I don’t expect him to cry out his rage or to cry, period, but there’s so little happening in his mind besides analyzing trajectories, speed and composition that the reader, in turn, feels little to nothing about Arc, though he at least did consider the fact that fighting a friend that knows him well was proving to be much more difficult than his other battles.

As for the action, I thought Teal did very well here. Your character reacted realistically to Arc’s assaults. Using her disruption magic to delay the detonation, trying to use the crumbling dust and debris from the ceiling to hide from Arc, using the bookshelves and tables as obstacles for Arc: all of that showed that she encountered enough battles to know that just fighting with your body and skills isn’t enough, which is to be expected from someone who has encountered hostile raiders for years. Mikado, I’d say Arc’s actions were the very things I was worried about when you submitted your profile. Without breaking a sweat, he summons blades upon blades that apparently detonate with the same force as a small bomb in a single post, doing about 2-3 different attacks in that short time. It’s not the power of his blades I’m worried about, but the fact that he does too much in a post without even exerting himself, while avoiding all assaults the same way. The fact that he sees everything without being impaired doesn’t help, either. Try to tone it down when writing, and focus more on writing engaging actions. I’d say you had the right idea when Arc detonated a blade aimed at the ceiling, so try and think more along those lines instead of going Gatling on your opponents.

Writing Style –2.75/5

Mikado, you have very clean and straightforward style, though it has a tendency to become somewhat bland during battles, as you focus too much on having him discharging his artillery. The reason I was limiting your abilities wasn’t only for your opponents, but also for you, as I suspected you might focus too much on dishing out everything IC until someone falls, which isn’t the point of this tournament. You had the good idea before the battle, by weaving a story about Arc that makes the reader wonder. Of course, during the battle, I don’t expect him to suddenly stop and reminisce on the good ole days or to start a soliloquy on the grievances of life. You should simply aim to add more depth to the battle and make it less of an ‘endless exchange of blows’. Teal managed to create that extra layer, as she elaborated a lot on what she was doing and why she was doing it. When she took out the Delyn grenade, she took the time to explain what it was and how it worked. Add that to her sneaky behaviour in the battle and you get something rather engaging to read. How she was actually concerned with not hurting Arc too much, since this was just a spar, also was a nice touch.

Technique was something you both focused on at the beginning of the thread, but it dwindled the further you got into the battle, though Teal did remember to use some literary devices every now and then, and her choice of words was usually very evocative. You could both spruce up your posts a bit more whenever you find a spot that seems lacking in vividness, and your score here would go easily go up. Mechanics was also rather good here, with mostly typos and word omissions for Teal and a few grammatical mistakes for Mikado. Clarity didn’t give me any trouble, though the story itself could have used a more elaboration.

Total – 8/15!

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Notes for Team ‘Outriders’

Numbers between parentheses are post numbers. Even-numbered posts are Mikado, odd-numbered posts are Teal.

soft lightening (2) I don’t think you mean either lightning or lightening, so probably lighting, as that makes much more sense in that context.

She remembered the smell of the all the old books (3) You probably forgot to correct after an edit, and I’m guessing you meant “of all the old books”.

Shandris gripped these, and knuckles brushing against the carvings and pushed open (3) The first and is unnecessary, a comma after ‘carvings.

"Long time no see Shan." (3) Not a mistake, but a note: repeating someone’s dialogue affects the pacing, and it’s rather repetitive. If you think the reader needs to be reminded of what your teammate said, reformulate it in the narration (stuffed it into his bag before turning to greet her).

something a bit more advanced then that? (3) than

his invisible blades whom light began (4) whose. Whom is correctly used in this context: “You spoke to whom?” (as whom can be replaced by ‘him’, but not by ‘he’). Conversely, Who is correct here: “I know who did it” (as who can be replaced by ‘he’, but not by ‘him’).

It's speed, weight (5) its

As a note, while I know your character is blind, I didn’t think you’d be using his blindness the same way Daredevil does. You should explain how he can perceive so many things in your writing, as the reader would want to at least know how something like that can be achieved. From what I’ve read of the battle, while blind, he actually sees more than a normal human could, and so that should be a skill in your profile. I’ll PM you and reopen the profile for you to edit in his True Sight skills, so as to avoid conflicts later on. I’d have to say, though, that you’re using it in a way that fringes on powergaming, as he sees everything coming and doesn’t seem to be impeded physical obstacles. Usually, there should be a limited range for this type of vision.

The table was know again a border between them, and with (6) now

As the two magics struggled against each other, took two steps back and knelt down, placing her buckler in between herself the blade. (7) she took two steps (…) between herself and the blade.

then crumble the explosion washed over it (7) crumble as the explosion washed over it

Fighting against someone who knew him him well (8) editing mistake, repeated ‘him’

Very well it was time to take this battle to the next stage. (8) It sounds as if Arc became the narrator there, which wasn’t the case before. To keep narrator and character separate, just use internal dialogue: ‘Very well, Arc thought to himself. It was time to take this battle to the next stage.’

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