Patent Pending
Torin Reahkari and Maxblade
MaxBlade~Fareron Slverstone
Torin Reahkari~Torin
This is our team registration thread, Torin post please.
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Patent Pending
Torin Reahkari and Maxblade
MaxBlade~Fareron Slverstone
Torin Reahkari~Torin
This is our team registration thread, Torin post please.
Yup.
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'Well, this seems very familiar. Torin thought to himself, brushing the hair out of his eyes. Sarah was back at the new Armada headquarters, and Torin was on his way to the Tournament of Champions.
Reahkari himself was there to fight for fame. Fame to show that the Dark Rogue, the Pirate Prince, the Rangiran Warrior was still fighting strong, even these years later. His partner in this tournament? An actual familiar face, which was more than Torin could say for the other tournaments he'd been a part of during his time on Althanas.
'But not this time...' Torin chuckled to himself, taking a cigarette out and lighting it. Faeron 'Silver' Stone. Torin had met this boy many years earlier in a Citadel battle. His memory of it was a little vague, but the way Torin remembered it, he won. Since then they had become friends, running into each other every once in a while.
'Where is he? This show boater's almost never late..' the man sighed to himself, looking into the sky.
They were going to be late.
Out of Character:
The taint of the midnight sky left an unnerving resonance across the ashen landscape. A moaning wind, slight and gentle, echoed its soft breezes across the field and through the trees lining the end of the field. Overhead a heavy moon hung ripe, casting a strong gleam over the complete landscape. Wispy clouds slowly slipped beneath the silvery light, not hindering the soft glow but creating instead an eerie shroud that added to the quiet ambiance.
In the middle of this dreamland stood a mysterious figure. This figure was a man who thought of himself in ways of epic expressions. His name was Fareron Silverstone.
Fareron’s long disheveled brown hair blew across his face in the gentle wind, wind that caressed his every flick and twist, like it was his shadow. His thick white cloak was a bright contrasting color against the cryptic landscape, swaying slowly like the arms of a tree in the gentle breezes of summer. It wasn’t summer; as a matter of fact it was the opposite, and Fareron didn’t like. His hand gripped his staff hard; though it wasn’t because he was cold that his fingers were curled as tight as a starving man’s hands on his last piece of bread, it was because the staff was his protection. He used it to control his magic too. To him it was his lifeline. His skin, the color of a light blue, glistened in the phantom radiance of the moon, his brown eyes anxiously staring out across the field toward the line of trees, as if he were waiting for someone, and he was just waiting.
He drummed his fingers against the gnarled oak wood of his companion. He had made this staff a couple of years back. When his power had started to grow. He couldn’t let his magic out in concentrated burst; he needed a source, a wand for himself. The stick it self didn’t have any magic properties. He used it to control where the wind would shoot, or to create a large gust of wind among other things. It stood about 4’6” and was two inches thick. If he didn’t have this stick, when he cast his magic, it would be uncontrollable and too large to control properly.
The time when he was trying to help a small vessel get a little boost, because the winds from the sea weren’t strong enough. All he meant to do was send a little gust of wind, but he accidentally broke the whole mast in half. It killed one man, injured two others, some people were blown into the sea.
He weakly smiled to no one in particular, and chucked some spit out of the side of his mouth. He then spoke a word to the winds and like little children they gathered at his will. “Hmmm…go out and find him. Torin Reahkari” With a flick of his hand the jinn dismissed the winds, which flew away to do his bidding. He shivered as they rushed past him, blowing his hair straight back, his eyes watered. His clenched his teeth against the biting wind.
He sat down, tired of standing, and folded his legs under him. Fareron usually was the on that was late, but not today, he was on time…at least he thought he was. The winds came rushing right back trying to push him in the direction of where they found Torin to be. That was quick? he thought, forcing himself back up onto his legs. He started off at a brisk jog, the winds pressing against his back with a gentle force, trying to guide him swiftly. The blood flowing through his legs, warming up as he went farther. He sped up, knowing that it was getting late; he didn’t want to make Torin angry. The last time he had made Torin angry, was the last battle they had, and it wasn't pretty!
Then about thirty yards off, on the other side of the field he spied a man. Fareron shook his head, Stupid! “Oh my goodness! How did I not notice?” He felt so stupid in not noticing, He must have entered from the other side of the field, and I told him meet me in the middle! but the feeling of stupid was swiftly gone, knowing that he definitely was not stupid. He shouted out across the field, “Torin!” allowing his voice to travel along the wind, letting the air carry it, towards the Pirate Prince.
As he came up closer about ten yards off, he slowed down to a walk not wanting it to seem like he wanted to see Torin.
As an Aeromancer, feelings for regular beings did not concern him. Well it wasn’t supposed to concern him, but he couldn’t help it. Seeing a familiar face always excited him. He wasn’t a regular Aeromancer he was a half-breed, half human, half-Aeromancer. His mother was the only Aeromancer in the world that had ever eloped with a human .
Fareron raised his hand in a sign of greeting, “I’m here.” his face void of happiness, but on the inside he was smiling. Torin knew him well enough to know...he was happy.
As judged by Ataraxis, with scores and comments discussed and agreed upon by Ebivoulya, Alias and Tristam, the members of Panel B.
Trial Judging
Team ‘Patent Pending’
Hello to the both of you! I’ll be judging your trial, and here are a few starting comments: Torin, you’ll need to put much more effort into your writing, as Maxblade literally had to compensate for the lack of content in your post all by himself. I still had no choice but to significantly dock this trial, as it’s a team score. Though Maxblade, it was a very commendable effort, and I hope you won’t feel dispirited by the results, as your writing is definitely improving since you first came here! I’ll let the comments speak for themselves.
Story – 1.625/5Torin gave me less than the strict minimum to understand who he was or why he was here. I’ve no idea who Sarah is, and I’ve only little knowledge of the Blacksails Armada – knowledge that shouldn’t be taken for granted from all readers. The fact that Torin seems to basically be walking up to the Tournament of Champions also didn’t help clarify the context much. Writing a list of epithets that describe Torin doesn’t exactly help the reader understand their weight, value or meaning. The vague explanation on his relation with Fareron was so curt it didn’t seem very serious. Basically, whenever you mention something that the reader should not be expected to know of (be it a person, a place or an event) you should flesh these out more so that they actually add something useful to your writing, instead of mystifying your readers. Maxblade, you didn’t really give any explanation as to why Fareron is Torin’s teammate, or why he wants to participate in this tournament. The matter of Fareron’s lineage was unclear as well, as you use terms like ‘jinn’ and ‘aeromancer’ for his race without elaborating just a little bit as to what that entails. The reader can at most guess he’s some sort of wind genie, but it’s question marks after that.Character –2.125/5
Setting was virtually inexistent in Torin’s post, save for a mention of the sky (which doesn’t really help). Maxblade, you did a lot better, as I think you felt a need to compensate. You did well in setting an actual scene for the trial, but it felt more like the description of a canvas than a full-fledged world in which Fareron existed and with which he interacted. Your focus on the wind was good, as it is an integral part of your character, but you have a tendency to focus solely on wind as ‘air that moves’. Since air cannot be seen, you should shift your focus on what the air displaces as it moves (you implied that with the tree boughs and were more direct about the wind’s effects on his cloak, but that’s about it). Dust, bits of earth, small rocks, blades of grass are basic things that you can use to add to your descriptions. Had they met within the forest, you would have had much more to play with: leaves, slivers from tree barks, broken branches, small animals and insects, branches bending, trunks groaning, etc. Sound is also something you could have played with more. Of course, I don’t expect natural winds to move all of the things I listed above, but since Fareron uses wind magic (and used it in this trial), you could have created more opportunities to have Fareron interact with the world around him and make it more than a stage with a strict minimum of props.
The transition between these two posts wasn’t great, mostly due to the fact that Torin wrote so little. Maxblade, you basically took care of this yourself, so I’ll consider your own pacing with more importance. You inserted a lot of things into your post, and some of them seemed out of place, such as the time the narrator suddenly explains why he needs to use a staff, and then has a flashback to a time he destroyed a mainmast. You also spent much time describing what should have been details. Try to direct more attention to key moments of your post and then flesh out the rest in a way that doesn’t detract attention from what’s important.Torin’s character wasn’t very rich in this trial, as he wrote very little dialogue or introspection, and thus gave me very little to work with.From what I read, Torin is like a laid-back person that smokes cigarettes, and who thrives on fights. I can’t really say much more. Maxblade, you also took care of this adequately, though Fareron is a hard character to grasp. Most of his personality came near the end of the post, where he hid his happiness behind a stoic face, as is apparently wont of his race. Otherwise, he seems to be an awkward fellow with a certain lack of confidence and a bit submissive, as he’s afraid of making Torin angry. His dialogue and internal thoughts also seems to support this, as well as pointing out a certain tendency for self-deprecation.Writing Style –2/5
However, I observed a lack of attention to Action from both of you. Torin literally only brushed his hair, chuckled, smoked a cigarette, sighed and looked at the sky. Maxblade, you spent the first few paragraphs describing Fareron standing in place, holding his staff and drumming his fingers on it. It was only near the end that he did anything characteristic of himself: use his wind magic to search for Torin. His mad dash to meet up with Torin after the wind returned to guide him onward was a very nice touch, however. It gave him a sort of boyish charm, like a child happily rushing to meet his older brother, though somewhat afraid to be reprimanded for being too slow.There is little I can say about Torin’s writing style, since it was more than minimalistic. The sheer shortness of the post made it hard to gauge, and the lack of content or literary devices did get you docked quite a lot, here. It’s hard to give a helpful suggestion as you barely wrote enough to make mistakes, and I can only think of asking you to try harder next time. Maxblade, I’d have to say you improved since the last thread of yours that I read, though you still hold certain habits that bog your writing down. You try a bit too hard at making your style poetic, sometimes by writing too many similes in a row, sometimes by describing things so exhaustively that the reader isn’t even sure what they’re supposed to imagine anymore. Of course, you don’t do that quite nearly as often now, but you should still be on the lookout for those instances. Your writing was also more engaging to read when Fareron moved and you abandoned the lengthy descriptions in favour of more concise yet efficient ones. You’re on the way to finding the right balance, so keep at it!
Mechanics was average for the both of you, though once again hard to accurately gauge for Torin. Maxblade, you only have small issues with punctuation (you can see instances on the notes) and typos.
As for Clarity, there was nothing unclear from Torin in terms of the writing itself, but the information provided was, as I said, mystifying. Max, your writing is easy to understand, though be wary of focusing too much on one thing, as you sometimes end up overwriting a good sentence or paragraph. Simplicity has its beauty, after all.
Total –5.75/15!
Quote:
Notes for Team ‘Patent Pending’
Numbers between parentheses are post numbers. Even-numbered posts are Torin, odd-numbered posts are Maxblade.
Faeron 'Silver' Stone. (1) I know you wrote this because that’s how it’s written in Max’ side-profile. Apparently though, that was misspelled. While you should have corrected this when Max replied using ‘Fareron’, I’m not docking you for so small a mistake.
the field and through the trees lining the end of the field (2) field is repeated, and doesn’t seem to be for stylistic effect
thought of himself in ways of epic expressions (2) I’m unsure at this point what this means, but I’ll assume he mentally recites ballads about himself in his head.
caressed his every flick and twist, like it was his shadow (2) It’s not quite an effective device. The reader can guess what you imply, but replacing what could’ve been ‘skin’ or, at most ‘his every movement’ by ‘flick and twist’ disrupts the reader’s focus. Moreover, the simile ‘like his shadow’ makes this harder to understand, as the only thing his shadow does is getting projected on the ground. ‘Like a shadow’ or ‘like shadows’ would have suited this sentence better by comparing the lightness of the wind on his skin to the weightless flutter of a shadow.
His hand gripped his staff hard; though it wasn’t because he was cold that his fingers were curled as tight as a starving man’s hands on his last piece of bread, it was because the staff was his protection. (2) I suggest: “His hand gripped his staff hard, although it wasn’t because he was cold that his fingers were curled as tight as a starving man’s hands on his last piece of bread: it was because the staff was his protection.” The simile here seemed out of place, since it’s so long that it becomes the focus of your sentence, and doesn’t generally fit with the idea you’re trying to convey beyond the tightness of his grip on his staff. Moreover, considering you used three similes in a row (which cheapens their individual effect), you could have gone with something simpler and shorter “were curled white and bloodless”. An excess of similes can make your writing look roundabout, so always check if you used a variety of different devices such as metaphors and allegories before going for a simile again.
The stick it self didn’t (2) itself
If he didn’t have this stick, when he cast his magic (2) the comma usually isn’t necessary before subordinating conjunctions like ‘when’.
The time when he was trying to help a small vessel get a little boost, because the winds from the sea weren’t strong enough (2) I think you meant ‘There was a time when’?
It killed one man, injured two others, some people were blown into the sea. (2) There are a number of alternate ways to write this but, I suggest: ‘two others, and some people were blown into the sea’. You could also replace the comma by a period.
“Hmmm…go out and find him. Torin Reahkari” (2) missing a period at the end.
He shivered as they rushed past him, blowing his hair straight back, his eyes watered. (2) blowing his hair straight back; his eyes watered.
Fareron usually was the on that was late, (2) the one
The blood flowing through his legs, warming up as he went farther. (2) This seems to be an accidental fragment: “flowed” might have been what you were going for.
The last time he had made Torin angry, was the last battle they had (2) The last time he had made Torin angry was during the last battle they had
Stupid! “Oh my goodness! How did I not notice?” He felt so stupid in not noticing, He must have entered from the other side of the field, and I told him meet me in the middle! but the feeling of stupid was swiftly gone, knowing that he definitely was not stupid. (2) You might have used ‘stupid’ a bit too often here, and I have to admit, its use was a bit awkward.
letting the air carry it, towards the Pirate Prince. (2) letting the air carry it towards the Pirate Prince.
He wasn’t a regular Aeromancer he was a half-breed, half human, half-Aeromancer. (2) He wasn’t a regular Aeromancer, but a half-breed: half human, half-Aeromancer.
his face void of happiness, but on the inside he was smiling. (2) was void of happiness
You describe Fareron as a jinn, which I took was his race, then you say his race is ‘Aeromancer’. The reader has no choice but to associate the words as synonyms, but it’d have been nice to know a bit more about what being an Aeromancer and/or a jinn means, besides that affinity with wind.