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Thread: The Death of a Deity

  1. #11
    Deliver Us
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    The shifting wind brushed leaves from the square and shrapnel from Shinsou’s ice barrage over the bloodied, shambling corpse of the fallen Olin. Congratulations were uttered between the guardsmen and as the backslapping continued, the Telgradian’s eyes shifted to all corners of Serenti; his mind swaying back towards the Heirophant.

    “We’re not done yet, Cronen,” Shinsou pointed out, “the woman who jumped us, who seems to be known as the Heirophant by the way, is still out there. She’s number one on my shit-list.”

    Josh nodded, sidestepping as he put on the remaining of his enchanted boots. The sun he had been blocking lit the Telgradian’s path; bright white sunshine bathed the way in front of him, causing the town watch’s armour and Olin’s dragging corpse to glow like dirty stars. A gentle draft meandered lazily through the town, whispering over his shoulders and rustling at his white greatcoat.

    “How did she get the drop on us?” The question that came from Shinsou’s lips was filled with a quiet anger. “Both of us can sense sentient beings; neither of us had a clue she was following us until it was too late. The question is, how? Why?”

    The weight of the problem was greater than his tone suggested. It pulled at his mind as Shinsou recognized the burden it laid upon them. They would find it difficult to track her now and for all they knew she could have been long gone from Serenti. It had been several hours now since dawn.

    “Shinsou Vaan Osiris and Joshua Cronen…”

    The pair snapped from their pondering as a man pushed through an opening in the crowd, stepping into a small clearing containing the two men. Shinsou noted something was terribly wrong with the gentleman; his eyes were black, his skin as white as stripped and bleached bone. His voice had a different quality than human; as he spoke it was stark, synthetic, and bitter. The wind came rushing through a mop of grey hair, his tombstone-like teeth rattling against each other as the stranger tried to pluck up the energy to speak again.

    “Gaze upon me and know.”

    A small chain, almost like a severed manacle, twinkled in the sunlight as it hung loosely from an emaciated wrist. The man’s other hand reached out and grasped it, holding it still. The Telgradian had turned his face up towards this phantom of a human, eyes steeled, and nostrils wide.

    What the fuck is this about?

    Exhaling loudly, the man gave a sigh and turned his face towards Joshua.

    "You can run around as much as you wish; but you can never truly hide from me, scum. Know that I am Roderick; and I have returned. I am not as weak as the others; with me you are dealing with forces beyond your imagination. I’ll see you both very soon, but let me leave you with this parting gift."

    Before him, where Shinsou’s eyes were cast, the man’s hand shifted to his side where a knife hung loosely in a leather pouch. Worried that he was about to be attacked, Osiris’s hand flew to Shira quickly but before anything else could be said or done, the knife was at the man’s own bristled throat. The salt white blade seemed to slide, undulate, like an oiled snake across the skin.

    Shit!!

    In a moment, the gruesome demonstration was over. Frightened gasps erupted from the crowd as the sickly man slit his own throat, collapsing in a fountain of blood. There wasn’t time for Shinsou and Breaker to do any more than exchange glances before something got inside the Telgradian’s head.

    Everything faded to grey. The form of a shadow figure became more definite a moment later, the curves of her body rippling and all the angles appearing like the curved blade of a scimitar. A moment later, a woman of similar height stood before the stone faced Telgradian; a woman of no features. A voice he heard was unmistakably the same as Roderick’s from a moment ago before changing to that of a woman’s, but Shinsou couldn’t make out what was being said. The words were distorted and twisted in some way.

    The featureless smoothness suddenly and very briefly bled colour to reveal the face of the Heirophant. It was quick; too quick to discern any real detail, but the momentary photograph in the Telgradian’s mind told him it his senses were finally gathering information about her soul. Something warm glimmered like a brilliant star in the darkness, out towards the furthest ends of Serenti, and as the scene suddenly shattered into a million fragments Osiris twisted his head back to Joshua Cronen.

    Something hardened in the Telgradian's face, the sharpness of a knife edge glimmered in his golden eyes as they shot down to the newest corpse on the street and then back to the demi-god Breaker.

    "I don’t know what’s going on, but I think I know where that bitch is."

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "When we were young, was this the dream we had? We're celebrating nothing. We need to find our way back."

  2. #12
    Maul-Slayer
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    Breaker's Avatar

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    Ageless (looks 28)
    Race
    Demigod (human)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    6 feet / 202 lbs.

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    As blood from Roderick's latest victim seeped through cracks in the cobblestones, Shinsou set off down an alleyway, the tails of his greatcoat flapping with his speed. Breaker jogged lightly at his side, feet hurting more with every step. He ignored the pain. The Shackles of Titan swung at his hip, and he had mind to clap them on someone else before the day ended. This Hierophant who could shield herself, from arcane detection and from his attentive ears, would make a fine prisoner. What secrets of power hid behind that silver mask? The others - Roderick and whatever remained of his band - had signed their death warrants when they escaped Terrinore Isle.

    Breaker and Shinsou followed a network of side streets that led toward the sea. They raced past rubbish barrels, plowed through mud puddles, and swung around stone corners. As the sound of rolling waves and the smell of salt water reached them, Josh sensed the powerful presence of Roderick Rok. The demigod had fought a number of powerful telepaths in the past, and recognized the eldritch signature pulsating from the bell tower near the shore. A second energy signature, similar but weaker, stood next to the first.

    "That must be Greyson Fawcett." Josh said as they slowed, Shinsou drawing Shira. "The murderer who learned Rok's art from the master."

    The tower stood three stories high, its squared walls of limestone perhaps twenty yards long. A large brass bell peered through arches at the top, intended for ringing warnings to the citizens when enemy ships appeared on the horizon. A stout oaken door occupied the middle of the front wall, its brass hinges and knob too drab to reflect the sunlight.

    "Let's take a direct approach," Shinsou said, holding his icecraft blade at the ready as he approached the door, "there's been enough f*cking around already." The Telgradian's face was a thundercloud, and lightning raged in his eyes.

    Breaker blasted the door off its hinges with a solid kick from a metal boot. Shinsou ducked inside, moving at an angle, and Josh dove and rolled in the opposite direction to create confusion. He came to his feet in a loose fighting stance, peering into the shadowy center of the room.

    Three figures huddled between the building's paired stout stone columns. One was familiar; her silver mask seemed to glisten despite the lack of light. Josh had never seen the men standing either side of her, but he could tell by the potency of their powers which was Rok and which was Fawcett. Roderick had broad shoulders despite his wasted form, and stood with an air of confidence and authority. The boy-faced Fawcett was shorter and slighter, and shrank behind his superior.

    "Not yet, you two," Roderick said, tutting the air, "we're not prepared to deal with you just yet. Occupy the lads," he added, nodding to the Hierophant. He whisked Fawcett back toward the building's rear door.

    Breaker and Shinsou circled to cut them off, but the lone woman stopped them with gouts of silver flame that leaped from her palms. The Telgradian and the demigod both countered with molten ice, extinguishing the sparkling fire before it could touch them. The back door slammed, sounding another escape for the former prisoners of Terrinore.

    "A bit embarrassed, are we boys?" The Hierophant taunted, her hands upraised menacingly.

    Cronen and Osiris met each other's eyes. They knew she was stalling, and that a swift victory remained their only option. They advanced on the woman in tandem from opposite sides, Shinsou with Shira raised, Breaker wielding his bare hands menacingly. Josh thrust out a palm and a beam of pure energy shot forth, shearing through one of the stone supports. The silver-masked woman recoiled as it crumbled, and then Shinsou struck like a seething viper. She drew her cudgel and turned back his icy blade, but from behind Breaker snapped a mighty kick. She ducked beneath the blow only to have Shinsou bring the flat of his sword down atop her head, stunning her so she dropped to the floor.

    Moving like a spider finding a fly in its web, Breaker dragged her to the remaining limestone pillar and used the Shackles of Titan to bind her arms around it, pressing her back against the smooth stone.

    "Those bracelets look fine and fashionable on you," Osiris commented, slapping the Hierophant's face lightly to rouse her, "they didn't go so well with my friend's complexion. Now it's time for you to talk-"

    "We should get after the last two," Breaker reminded him. He could still sense Fawcett somewhere along the shoreline, but the strength of Roderick's signature had vanished back towards the heart of the city. "I lost Rok. Can you track him?"

    The Telgradian concentrated a second and then nodded. "I'll take the big lad," he said, "you get the other, and then we'll meet back here to deal with that." He jerked his thumb at the woman manacled to the stone pillar.

    "Stay strong," Breaker intoned, "Am'aleh's eyes watch over you." He could see the fatigue in Shinsou's face, but the man sheathed his blade and nodded, prepared to run a little more. Cronen went out the back door while Osiris used the front, both in pursuit of quarry they could not see, but sensed.
    ... They fell to him as prey to bluefin
    for the Jya's warriors knew not how to swim...
    13-3-2

    I wrote a book! ~ Most Suave Character 2010

  3. #13
    Deliver Us
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    Though a fit man, each step up the shoreline’s incline felt to Shinsou like he was struggling up the side of a mountain. The biting cold of the coastal wind wore the skin on the back of his hands raw red, and when he was finished ascending up the pathway of large, jagged rocks, the Telgradian found himself panting. Despite the grim feeling inside him as fatigue set in, he felt comforted by the sensation in the pit of his stomach; the knowledge that Roderick was slowing down putting his mind at ease. Shinsou could feel his energy close by, and it was only a matter of time before Roderick came face to face with his maker – whoever that was.

    The Telgradian let himself sink to the floor, sprawling low to blend in with the myriad of stone that had crumbled away over the decades and broken off from the cliff above. Sighing, he let his head fall back while he tried to catch a breath. His quarry wasn’t going anywhere; the path led to an enclosed part of the coast with high rock faces on one side and the deep blue Coronian sea on the other. Separating them were jagged crops of volcanic rock that formed a twisting labyrinth of black glass. The sky above Shinsou was a gorgeous, crystal clear shade of blue and the sun illuminated the maze ahead nicely.

    If anything moves, I’ll see it, you son-of-a-bitch.

    With a smile smoldering between his lips, the Telgradian rested for a moment. Then, just as he crouched further, he felt that tingling sensation in his stomach grow.

    He’s moving…towards me?

    Slowly, Shinsou climbed to his feet and allowed his eyes to fall upon the hulking form of the approaching Roderick. The bastard had clearly finally chosen a more honourable way out than to die cowering in some rocks in the shade, plucking up the courage to approach his stalker head on. Whilst this pleased the Telgradian, he wasn’t sure whether or not he was regretting not having just showered the area with dark matter and having had done with the man. It became obvious very quickly that reading about the Terrinore inmate in the morning edition of the Chronicle and then actually being in Rok’s presence were, ostensibly, two different matters entirely. The unimaginable size of the man sent a shiver down his spine. Though wasted from his former self, Roderick was not in bad shape. He’d had time since his escape to put on a few pounds, and now the man meant to use them to grind his pursuer into the dirt.

    “I’m tired of running”, Roderick spat to signal his displeasure, unhooking a large warhammer from a sheath on his back, “I’m Roderick Rok. I don’t fucking run from anyone; especially not choir boys like you!”

    “Funny. You only stopped when you realised you had nowhere to go,” Shinsou observed, “But now at least you get to die with some dignity. More than can be said for some of your friends, I fear.”

    Watching Roderick wield that hammer caused Shinsou emotional and nearly physical anguish but his face screwed up into an expression of annoyance when he realised that Rok’s hands were glowing. He could taste something foul in the air; the workings of arcane energies that swirled around them both as they stood only ten feet apart. When Rok swung the black, crude hammer down and utterly destroyed a pile of sturdy looking slabs of granite, Shinsou knew he was right.

    “A strength enchantment? What’s the matter Rok; performance issues? Not the force you used to be?” the mocking continued as Shinsou lifted his palms.

    Something stirred within Roderick’s heart at the insult. A terrible, biting rage.

    “I’ll have your head! I am Roderick Rok; there isn’t a man stronger than me alive!” His scowling lips parted, and he practically spit each of the words out. His pride had been lost to him once; he refused to let this man take it from him again. He flashed forward and struck the floor with the bottom of his hammer as Shinsou thrust his right foot off to the side, digging a shallow furrow in the dirt. With a wave of his hand, a thick wall of colourless energy boomed into existence behind him. It began to shimmer and vibrate intensely and shone in the sun like a reflection of summer on a lake. Then, snapping electrical forks of black and purple began to snatch at the cool coastal air, growing in length and power before converging and interlacing around each other to form a fifteen foot wide circular portal of black and purple energy. Within seconds there were fifteen thin, dangerous spears of dark matter waiting to be unleashed.

    Rok’s eyes were ablaze now; two fiery suns casting their deathly, hellish glow down upon him. Suddenly, the spears that had surrounded the Telgradian melted away and oozed back into existence again as fifteen hard scales of dark matter; the Phalanx form of his sword’s magic. The fifteen plate-sized scales interlocked to form an unbroken chain which wrapped itself around the Telgradian’s body.

    “More tricks?!” Rok screamed as he launched himself at the Telgradian once more, landing on a black glass boulder to his right before flipping the hammer in his hand, snarling. If there was to be a fight, he'd have to be able to take as good as he gave.

    There was no time to dodge and Shinsou knew it. A sickly crack! accompanied the hammerblow to his shoulderblade as bone shattered and scattered like shrapnel around his rotator cuff, tearing nerve endings from their flesh. The Telgradian screamed in agony but through the blearing pain somehow managed to use a free hand to lever the weapon away from him and wedge it between two rocks.

    At that moment, as Rok tried to free the hammer from its vice, the dark matter chain of Enpera’s Phalanx form uncurled from Shinsou’s body like withering ivy and lurched.

    “Fuck you!”

    It snapped through the air, sparks of dazzling and disorienting electricity violently manifesting before disappearing almost as soon as he had commanded. The wave of hazy dark matter wrapped about the firmly planted, tree trunk sized legs of the Telgradian’s adversary, wreaking havoc on the surface of the volcanic rock about it. The chain pulled taut and lashed in all directions, tearing chunks of flesh from Roderick’s burly legs before separating them entirely from his body with a stomach churning rip!

    A ragged breath later, Shinsou tried to stand up, sweat soaking his brow as he pulled his shoulder along with him. Every jolt felt like a million volts shocking his body and with every judder came a hiss of pain. As Osiris stood over his opponent, he watched the light begin to fade from Roderick’s eyes. Two mangled stumps where his legs had been bifurcated bled thick pools of crimson. There would be nothing anyone could do for the man now. In the full knowledge of what was coming, the powerful Roderick Rok could manage only a grunt as he arched his back and neck upwards, squinting and clenching his teeth as he tried one last time to look Osiris dead in the eye before collapsing pathetically into a puddle of his own mutilation.

    Maybe dignity was the wrong term...

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "When we were young, was this the dream we had? We're celebrating nothing. We need to find our way back."

  4. #14
    Maul-Slayer
    EXP: 172,649, Level: 18
    Level completed: 14%, EXP required for next level: 16,351
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    EXP required for next level: 16,351
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    Breaker's Avatar

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    Ageless (looks 28)
    Race
    Demigod (human)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    6 feet / 202 lbs.

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    "Give it up, Fawcett. You could never run fast or far enough."

    Breaker cornered the slender telepath among the sandstone cliffs along the shore south of Serenti. Smooth pebbles crunched beneath black metal boots as he stalked the criminal. The wind made the man's matted hair stand on end as it moaned in the mouth of a nearby cavern. With a final fearful glance over his shoulder, Fawcett dove for the cave.

    "No you don't!" Breaker caught his wasted ankle and dragged him backwards. Fingernails scrabbled futilely on rock, and then the telepath rolled over and pushed a thought.

    Release me and throw yourself in the sea!

    Josh laughed, a long, mirthless chuckle. So close to the ocean, the wax and wane of each wave sounded like Am'aleh's sweet whisper. Fawcett's thought glanced off of his adamantine will like an arrow striking stone. As the telepath rose the demigod dealt him a furious blow, a single thunderous punch to the chest. Fawcett's heart skipped and stopped, and he crumpled on the shore, eyes glazing.

    Come into my cavern.

    The thought invaded Breaker's mind like a battering ram sundering a gate. His knees trembled with the power of the words, and he turned toward the cave before he could think. He took a faltering step, and then another, and then stopped.

    My mind is my own. My body is my own. No one shall move me but me.

    Perhaps, the omnipotent voice said, but curiosity will carry you to me just the same.

    Breaker bellied down and crawled into the cavern, finding space to stand almost immediately as the tunnel twisted and grew. It expanded into a sandstone lair. From around the corner power radiated, along with the low, steady rhythm of a great beast breathing. The sandstone walls seemed to expand and contract with each inhale and exhale. The power of the being pulsated like a glowing beacon in the darkness.

    Despite the lack of light, Breaker's sharp eyes showed him all as he rounded the corner. The tunnel widened monstrously to accommodate the bulk of a winged dragon. Black scales covered its massive, muscular body, and curved spikes protruded all the way down its spine and tail. Its fanged maw almost smiled down on him, and its front pair of clawed feet carved furrows in the sandstone floor.

    "Draconus." Breaker said with no question in his tone. Finding a dragon holed up in an impossible cave near Serenti could be no coincidence. Awed by the Thayne's presence and the power he radiated, Josh stopped suddenly.

    You have come far to find me here, Joshua Cronen. The voice was nearly enough to upset Breaker's balance. May I assume all of my minions are dead?

    "I'm confident they are," the demigod said, still rooted to the spot. He thought of Shinsou, chasing after Rok. He thought of the silver-masked woman, chained in the watchtower. "All save one minion of your minions. We'll deal with her after I've finished with you." He took a single step forward, feeling like he was fighting a waterfall.

    They were always a means to an end, the Thayne replied, each word a piston striking Josh's mind, you have proven yourself in defeating them, and they have brought you to me. All is as it should be.

    "You expect me to believe this is all some grand design?" Josh tried to sneer, but awe crept into his tone. "Am'aleh has guided me on this path. She would not play me into your claws."

    Am'aleh is of the lesser Thayne, the voice said disdainfully, she sees but what I will.

    "Impossible," Breaker breathed, "I know why you broke the convicts out of Terrinore. Am'aleh's influence has grown these past few years. She is becoming the one and true deity of the sea... and you are just a forgotten remnant."

    The dragon's roar shook the cavern. Putrid breath nearly knocked Josh off his feet, and small gouts of orange flame crackled from the fanged maw.

    After you have joined me, Draconus said, you will watch in approval as I strike Am'aleh down.

    "Then I guess I'd better kill you here." Josh growled. His hazel eyes narrowed and his neck and cheeks flushed. He bent his powerful legs, legs that had felt frozen moments earlier, and leaped mightily at the dragon. He rose upward with dank air whistling through his ears, rolling his shoulder back. At the top of his arc he arrived in front of the dragon's horse-sized head. His fist snapped forward, hammering Draconus' snout with a downward haymaker. The demigod landed in front of the deity as the dragon's head lolled to one side.

    Is that your best blow? Draconus inquired. Disappointing.

    The Thayne responded with a front snap kick from one of his tree-trunk legs. Josh attempted to leap away but the swift kick caught him in the sternum, shooting him upward like a ball from a cannon. He burst through the sandstone ceiling, body and mind ringing with the impact. He tumbled through fresh sea air, through the gathering darkness, and splashed into the salty shallows.

    The earth quaked in his wake. A great tremor ran out in all directions, and then the sandstone cliffs split open and Draconus rose up, scaled wings flapping like canvas sails. The dragon flew out of the rift he'd created and landed with a ground-shaking thud in the shallows nearby.

    Breaker struggled to rise, folding one knee beneath his body and pressing up with his arms and legs. His chest felt as if it had been struck by a trebuchet. He coughed up water that had found its way into his lungs and forced himself to his feet.

    I had thought we might work well together, Draconus said as the demigod straightened his posture, but I find your reputation is greater than the man himself. Such a pity. Such a waste of time and effort. The dragon took a breath that threatened to steal all the oxygen from the air, and then opened its maw and unleashed fire.

    Liquid flame spilled out in a blast directed at Breaker. Against the ache in his chest he lifted both hands and pulled water up from around his ankles, extinguishing the torrent. Draconus roared and the deluge of fire became one of lava, red hot and boiling. Breaker twisted his palms skyward and his water became molten ice, flowing out to meet the magma in a growing cloud of steam and smoke. Inch by inch, the flow of ice faltered, and the cloud of vapor crept closer to Breaker. Inch by inch, the demigod's strength waned, until he could feel the heat of the lava on his forearms.

    With a roar to match the dragon's Breaker redoubled his efforts, but nothing he did could overcome the Thayne's endless torrent of roiling rage.

    Am'aleh help me, he thought, feeling his goddess' touch in the water around his ankles, for I fear no one else can.
    ... They fell to him as prey to bluefin
    for the Jya's warriors knew not how to swim...
    13-3-2

    I wrote a book! ~ Most Suave Character 2010

  5. #15
    Deliver Us
    EXP: 69,763, Level: 11
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

    View Profile
    Roderick Rok was dead; his body torn asunder and left to rot on the Serenti coastline as it deserved to. With Joshua Cronen pursuing, if not already having killed, Fawcett it seemed to Shinsou that matters were close to being concluded in the proper manner.

    Despite the tinge of optimism that these thoughts brought the Telgradian, each step towards that godly, telltale energy of Cronen’s felt heavier than iron. The muscles in his broken shoulder ached with a searing pain, even underneath the icy tourniquet that Shinsou had crafted, and the skin on his hands and cheeks glowed red with the toil of the grim labour of battle. He knew that the cocoon he had created would remain frozen for a while whilst the magic kneaded and melded nerves, bone and flesh back together, but it didn’t make the journey on foot any less painful. When he was finally finished clambering over rocks, sands and grasslands, the Telgradian fell back, panting, next to a wall of shale and slate of what was to be his final resting spot before the two minute stint to where he could feel Joshua’s energy emanating from.

    This goddamn arm’s going to be no good to me in a fight, so I hope you’ve softened up or killed anything hostile before I get there, pal.

    As the Telgradian kicked off from the wall, propelling himself back onto his feet in readiness for the last few minutes of his travels, Shinsou realised that this section of the coast near Serenti was as silent as a crypt. He found it un-nerving; eerie almost, like there was a negative aura smothering him. Perhaps it was because this area seemed so scarcely attended that Osiris felt uncomfortable, or perhaps it was that he was walking towards the unknown. The Brotherhood’s leader could suddenly feel a cold chill down his spine as Joshua’s ever present energy violently spiked and became erratic.

    Something’s happening with Joshua. Is he fighting Fawcett? I can’t sense anything but him, though.

    Shinsou suddenly jumped as something slammed ahead of him.

    What the fu…

    The first thing he witnessed was Joshua smash out of the sandstone cliff ahead of him, fumbling through the fresh sea air like a tossed rag doll before crashing into the Serenti sea, sending white foam scattering like grapeshot. A tremendous tremor accompanied a hollow rumbling before something abhorrent carved the sandstone cliffs open in front of his very eyes. Flanked by imposing splinters of jagged rocks that jutted out of the mountainside, something monstrous manifested from the rocky heart of the shoreline as the bitter odour of burning mixed with the sweet scents of the ocean. It ascended, unfurling huge leathery wings the size of galleon sails to its sides, before diving towards the ground and impacting the crystal blue shallow water with an ear-splitting crash nearby.

    What in the screaming blue hell is that?! It makes Sunwing look like a pup!

    The infamous Sunwing, the dragon that had blighted the Twilight Mountains, could have fit thrice into the stomach of this hulking beast. Whilst Shinsou stood in awe of this goliath’s form, he failed to notice until it was too late that it had inhaled deeply with the intention of unleashing hell. What followed was a river of napalm that spewed from the dragon’s maw, directed straight at Breaker.

    Fuck, what am I doing?! Move it!

    As Osiris began his laboured approach, the Telgradian was relieved to see that his inaction hadn’t brought harm to Cronen, who had pulled a torrent of the ocean up from beneath him to extinguish the threat. Shinsou’s mind blocked the aches and pains, feeling pebbles roll underfoot as he began to sprint towards the warring duo. Joshua’s aquatic shield turned to molten ice, breaking the flow of the magma and releasing a thick cloud of steam that seemed to obscure the creature’s vision. Without help, the demi-god, regardless of how powerful he may have been, would soon be in trouble.

    That was his opening.

    As Breaker’s ice faltered, Shinsou slammed his working arm directly below him and willed a thick, viscous tendril of ice to manifest in the ground. It snaked with speed towards the demi-god before penetrating out of the earth and coiling around the man’s waist, hoisting him back towards the Telgradian and out of immediate danger. As Cronen landed on his feet, fork lightning ripped through the murky cloud of steam, accompanied with a stomach-churning roar. For a moment afterwards there was a short silence, one that seemed suspended in the air for several moments before another loud crash bellowed through the air. A fearsome bellow raged out of the vapour ahead and the winged creature tore into the sky from below. A stream of crimson embers trailed behind it as it darted upwards, and with every powerful beat of the monsters wings a plume of bright sparks would erupt in a powerful magnesium flash. There, above them, it hovered like a vulture circling prey.

    Shinsou’s black attire, smeared with mud and streaks of rusty dried blood from his confrontation with Rok, flashed momentarily from underneath his white greatcoat as it was rushed by the breeze created by the resultant shockwaves.

    “What the hell is that?" Osiris asked, shooting Joshua an incredulous look.

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "When we were young, was this the dream we had? We're celebrating nothing. We need to find our way back."

  6. #16
    Maul-Slayer
    EXP: 172,649, Level: 18
    Level completed: 14%, EXP required for next level: 16,351
    Level completed: 14%,
    EXP required for next level: 16,351
    GP
    16,175
    Breaker's Avatar

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    Ageless (looks 28)
    Race
    Demigod (human)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    6 feet / 202 lbs.

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    "Draconus."

    The fearsome beating of the dragon's wings battered the name from Breaker's mouth. He and Shinsou both recoiled, covering their eyes against the silt raised by the whirling winds. Above them, the deity wheeled and dove, like a hawk spotting a mouse, exposed on the cliffs.

    "You had to go and pick a fight with Thayne, eh?" Shinsou yelled, drawing Stygian and channeling a measure of dark matter into the blade. "Here," he tossed the mythril sword to Josh, "see how the big f*cker likes a taste of the Widowmaker!"

    Breaker reared back and threw the sword at the diving dragon. It spiraled skyward like reverse chain lightning, scoring a hit deep in the soft tissue of Draconus' eye. The deity roared and reared out of the dive, wings beating heavily once more to keep him aloft as he clawed at the seeping wound.

    "It's now or never!" Shinsou called over the wind. "That blade will stop him healing, but not for long."

    As if hearing the words, Draconus looked earthward and belched a long plume of acrid fire. Josh and Shinsou dove out of the way and crafted a barrier of ice between them and what became a roiling lava pit. Frost flew from all four of their palms, forming a slightly curved wall. A pillar of steam rose from the place where heat met cold, obscuring the deity's good eye.

    "I could use a lift about now," Josh uttered, and began to change the shape of their icecraft.

    "Coming right up," Shinsou replied, lending his own brand of magic.

    The frozen wall re-shaped into a tall flight of stairs. Josh leaped forward and pounded up the steps, his enchanted boots giving him perfect traction on the slippery surface. Each footfall reminded him of the burns on his feet, and of the ache that Draconus' kick had chiseled deep into his bones. They reminded him of Am'aleh, who granted him the gift of magic. They reminded him of Shinsou, whose life was equally at risk.

    Breaker reached the top of the staircase and jumped with all of his might. He soared upward, drawing close to Draconus, but not close enough. He extended a hand as he reached the apex of his jump and crafted a long whip of molten ice. It snapped up and wrapped around the dragon's massive, scaly neck. Hand over hand Josh climbed the whip, until he clung from one of the broad spikes that bristled along the beast's back.

    You cannot defeat me. The simple confidence of the thought nearly unnerved the demigod.

    "Others have said the same!" Josh roared in the dragon's ear.

    You have never faced a Thayne.

    "No," Josh said, "but I have loved one."

    He vaulted onto Draconus' back and leaped skyward once more, flipping faster than a tossed coin. As he rose above the dragon two balls of ice formed in his palms, and he poured his own unique energy into each of them. As he descended, still corkscrewing and gaining momentum, he cast the iceballs at Draconus' wings. They exploded with more power than Alerian hand grenades, causing both wings to instinctively fold in defense.

    And then Breaker struck the top of the dragon's head with both boots. As the blow landed the boots grew heavier, each by a hundred pounds. Josh summoned an unnatural gust of wind to aid him, adding more pressure to the base of the deity's skull.

    Draconus fell like a cannon detached from an airship. He plummeted like a stone thrown down a well. He dropped straight and fast, headfirst toward the sandstone cliffs. His mighty wings flared, but too late, and too weakly to stop such momentum. His skull impacted the soft rock like an asteroid, creating a crater of obliteration and casting up a cloud of sand and dust. Breaker felt the deity's neck crack beneath his boots at the moment of impact, and as the dust and debris settled, the dragon lay still.

    Josh slid down the scaly snout and retrieved Stygian from the ruined eye. Its twin had glossed over, massive and yellow, staring lifelessly off into the gathering darkness. Breaker climbed out of the crater and paced to where Shinsou stood a safe distance away. For once, the Telgradian appeared at a loss for words. Josh deftly flicked blood from the mythril blade and returned it to its owner.

    "Well, fine then." Shinsou huffed, finding his voice as he sheathed the sword. "But next time, I get to kill the dragon."

    Thayneslayer... the word came from the sea, distant and dreamy and distinctly feminine. Breaker would have recognized his lady's voice anywhere.

    My champion... Am'aleh was calling him. The breaking waves beckoned like a lover's crooked finger. Josh took a step toward the ocean.

    "Where are you going?" Shinsou demanded, "look," he pointed toward Serenti, "we've got some explaining to do!"

    People were beginning to trickle out from between buildings and behind walls, curious onlookers who had seen the dragon take to the sky, who had seen it fall, and stay fallen.

    "Someone will need to take credit for all of this," Josh said, "and I think you are just the man for the job."

    Shinsou sputtered, looking back and forth between the demigod, and the deity whose death he had helped bring about.

    Before the Telgradian could protest, Breaker took two steps and dove off the cliffs and into the sea.
    ... They fell to him as prey to bluefin
    for the Jya's warriors knew not how to swim...
    13-3-2

    I wrote a book! ~ Most Suave Character 2010

  7. #17
    Deliver Us
    EXP: 69,763, Level: 11
    Level completed: 40%, EXP required for next level: 7,237
    Level completed: 40%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,237
    GP
    0
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    Goddamn it, Cronen. Leaving me to feed the wolves like that...

    The sun rose high over Serenti, heating up the sea in which Joshua had made his hasty exit and illuminating a town with many questions. The cobblestone streets shone brightly, soaking in the heat that would keep them warm long after the sun set in the west. The scatterblast buildings of marble and granite almost spoke to the ageless history of the Coronian architecture, but their citizens now wanted to speak to something - or someone - a lot more tangible. The people of this history steeped town had witnessed and hosted much in the last day or two; a range of the glorious, the pedestrian, and the vile. Now, Cronen had left Shinsou the centre of attention, a problem which the Telgradian would now have to shake off. The Brotherhood leader had made plans that would move him up in the world, pulling him up from his bootstraps into the realm of Althanas's elite. The way he wanted to do things, though, meant that being in the public glare was only ever going to be to his detriment.

    Perhaps, though, there was a benefit to this newfound popularity. To be revered would be more than a clever façade. After today Shinsou would be infamous, wealthy, and very busy extending both the reach and the presence of his Brotherhood beyond the Whitevale compound. People would know his name, even fear it. Shinsou Vaan Osiris; Thayne-slayer? The truth was far from the inevitable hearsay, but that didn't matter.

    As Storm Veritas once said: "after today we would be called many names, but average would never be one of them again."

    He popped back and forth from foot to foot, a nervous tic in the midst of the large gathering of people all asking questions, before settling into his skin. A few drops of sweat ran down his fingers. In his hand, the beads ran down a piece of Draconus's hide, which Shinsou had remembered to sever after Cronen returned to Am'aleh's embrace. Holding it up before the gathering, Osiris's golden eyes veered over the crowds that stood taut and wild.

    "Citizens of Serenti," Shinsou shouted loud enough for those at the back to hear, "For the last few days you have played host to a violent game of chess; a game that was neither of your choosing to participate in nor in your interests to host. A cult of Terrinore escapees, guided and aided by the Thayne, Draconus, used this fine town as a base to hide away from justice. They killed men here, good men, and believed they had licence to hold sway over you to avoid answering for their crimes."

    Shinsou felt his heart beat like a bass drum in his chest but his confidence grew. The group had taken their time to come round and some of them still listened nervously, but it was clear from the murmering that there was a positive reception for his words. Catching eyes with one particular man, the Telgradian continued and prepared to feed them the white lie. In line with Cronen's intentions, Shinsou would willingly step into the limelight, but it wasn't without gratitude to his friend's enormous contribution.

    "The Brotherhood of the Castigars came here to liberate you from the Lunatic of Serenti, from the Terrinore escapees and from Draconus himself. Here, in my hand," The Telgradian raised the bloodied hide of the fallen Thayne to the sky, "I hold the proof of that victory. Draconus is dead, the Terrinore inmates have been annihilated and your freedom is restored."

    One sceptic, an elderly lady, heckled from the back. "What is it you want from us? You militia types are never satisfied unless there's a reward."

    Shinsou smiled reassuringly.

    "We ask for nothing in return, only that you spread the word that the Brotherhood serve the people of Corone under Am'aleh's grace and protection. Furthermore, the Brotherhood is to contribute to Serenti a sum of gold to cover the funerals of your dead. They should be honoured as heroes and buried with the respect they deserve. In the wake of such vile acts, examples need to be set today by those who know better. Go to your homes; mourn your dead and know that the Brotherhood and Am'aleh stand shoulder to shoulder with the people of Serenti.”

    Shinsou marvelled at his public performance as the crowds reacted warmly to his announcement. The Brotherhood were the new alpha that had been established in Serenti, a gift from Cronen, while Draconus and his cult was now consigned to the ashes of time. A congratulatory hand from one guard fell upon the mage’s shoulder as Shinsou pivoted, standing tall and satisfied with his speech, before walking off. He didn't want to do a diservice to Joshua by naming him when he clearly wanted anonymity, but at least by footing the bill for the dead's funerals the Brotherhood had found another contribution they could make to honour his friend's deed.

    Finally feeling the weight of tiredness and pain from his half-healed shoulder bear on him, Shinsou rubbed a sore eye with his knuckle and rubbed at his forehead furiously to stave off the approaching fatigue, at least for a few more moments. He had been up for god-knows how long and had given everything he could to their task, both physically and mentally. That was the difference between him and Cronen; between a mortal and a demi-god. The Telgradian had come to realise that in his current state he was a mere pion; so much fragile flesh in the face of the overwhelming power of the gods. That level couldn't be reached, not yet, but that was a worry for another time.

    That takes care of the public Q&A. Now, there's one more issue to deal with...

    With the end of the beginning in sight, Shinsou was determined to finish one last errand before heading for more comfortable lodgings and the promise of a solid night’s sleep.

    I hope you didn't think I'd forgotten about you, Hierophant.

    As the townspeople dispersed into cracks in the city, Shinsou set off down an alleyway with that woman firmly in his mind. The Hierophant had protection from arcane detection and had outwitted them the first time before finding herself on the wrong end of the Shackles of Titan.

    What hides behind that mask?

    Shinsou snaked through a network of side streets and alleyways that led out of Serenti and back towards the sea, just to the east of Draconus's dissoving corpse. You were never far from Am'aleh's domain in Corone. The scent of it was always there, a powerful, salty whiff that incensed the nostrils and cleared the senses. On the coast leading up the bell tower, where the wind was high and blowing from the south, the waves shattered on the rock wall of the cliff face and spray rattled over the debris of the weathered heights. As the Telgradian approached the open maw where a door used to be, one that now rested in splinters in the centre of the ground floor room thanks to Joshua, he could see a masked, sleeping figure propped up against the pillar she had been chained to a couple of hours ago.

    The shade that sheltered the Hierophant started to give way to Stygian's eternal light, but the glow did little to alleviate the haunting atmosphere that now washed over the captive.

    "Get up." The command was short and to the point.

    Wearily, the Hierophant struggled to her knees, the shackles intended to subdue Cronen still binding her. Shinsou grabbed the mask and tore it off with one straight pull. He was surprised to see a normal face gazing blearily back at him; one that could easily have belonged to anyone he had ever come across. She had green eyes, milky white skin and high cheekbones.

    "Draconus and the Terrinore in-mates are dead." Shinsou muttered, somewhat triumphantly.

    "I know. I felt their lives drain from their bodies." The Hierophant replied nonchalantly. She didn't make eye contact with the Telgradian, who paced the room. "...and now you're here to extinguish mine."

    The outrage that the Telgradian had displayed before for her was a type of emotion that anyone rarely saw from Shinsou. It was clear that she saw death coming to collect on her missed opportunity because surviving the fallout from her failure felt like anything but a guarantee. Yet, as she prepared for the taste of cold steel or magical fury, none was forthcoming.

    "What's your name, Hierophant? Your real name, that is?"

    The question threw her. Her name? Why would her executioner need to know such a paltry, trivial thing at this juncture? Her expression gave away her surprise to the pacing Brotherhood leader, who held his chin in his hand. Eventually, softly, she gave him a cautious reply.

    "Jehuty."

    "Well, Jehuty," Shinsou started, sheathing Stygian into its ivory sheath, "I am going to let you in on something. I can count on one hand the amount of times someone got the drop on me. But Joshua Cronen? We are talking about a demi-god amongst mortals. I watched him crack Draconus's skull like an eggshell, and yet somehow, some way, you got the better of not just me, but him. I'm going to ask you one time; why couldn't we sense you?"

    Jehuty shrugged. "I don't know."

    "In that case," Shinsou said, slumping next to her, "You have two options. Option one is that you accept your failure and die with some shred of honour. Option two?"

    Jehuty raised an eyebrow, lifting her chin for the first time to meet Shinsou's eyes. They were fierce, but not angry. No. They held a golden intrigue, a curiosity that probed her being.

    "Come and work for me."

    Tired, covered in mud, blood, soot and still in pain from his ravaged shoulder, Shinsou was in no mood for pleasantries or a half-assed interrogation. From the sunken shoulders of his captive, he expected her to be similarly motivated to seek shower, suds, and sleep in the comfort of a Whitevale barracks.

    Out of Character:
    Spoils request: Draconus's Hide

    A piece of ancient dragonscale the size of Shinsou's chest that can be used as raw material for a torso-sized piece of equipment

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "When we were young, was this the dream we had? We're celebrating nothing. We need to find our way back."

  8. #18
    Make It So
    EXP: 23,137, Level: 6
    Level completed: 45%, EXP required for next level: 3,863
    Level completed: 45%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,863
    GP
    2,980
    Rayleigh's Avatar

    Name
    Rayleigh Aston
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brunette
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    5'3 / 115
    Job
    Mechanic

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    Thread: The Death of a Deity
    Participants: Shinsou & Breaker
    Type: Condensed

    Howdy, gentlemen. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of working with this thread. It was a lot of fun to read and judge. I hope that you find my suggestions helpful. I found listening to the Curse of the Black Pearl soundtrack pretty fitting while I read this.



    Plot: 20/30

    I commend you both on writing a very fun story! The prison break was a fantastic way to open, and it had me hooked from the get-go. I also thought that your time-lapse from the first to second post was nicely done as well. Often, writers feel the need to expand on "flashback" events until their use is no longer effective. This scene had just the right amount of attention, then veered back to the here and now. While this also improved your "Pacing score" (if we pretend this was a full judgment, which I kind of made it anyway), it positively affected the overall story as well. The rest of the story was split into what I consider two parts - with Olin, and without Olin. After his death, the story's focus shifted. I much preferred the first part, as the pacing felt more believable. Draconus felt a bit "tacked on" to the end, which don't think did a Thayne of such magnitude justice. As I'll explain in the next section, Olin was also by far my favorite part of this piece.

    Pacing was very hit or miss with you both. There were some scenes that I thought were just perfect. The opening, as I mentioned earlier, for example. The fight scene in the bar (post 6) was also just the right length. One of my biggest pet peeves, as Shin can attest, is drawn-out combat. I was readying myself for it here, but I was pleasantly surprised. Then there were parts that went on far too long. I thought post 7 was far too description heavy, especially with the Hierophant's entrance. Describing the exact path she took across the tops of the buildings detracted from the rest of the story, and bogged me down. While description is important, I would encourage you to make sure it all serves a purpose. As my English teacher once told me, "every single word you write should be deliberate." Easier said than done, of course, but it is worth keeping in mind! The element of pacing that lacked the most was the battle with Draconous. He was located in a couple of posts, and killed in only a handful of paragraphs. While I understand that the whole thread was meant to be a build-up, I had already seen the rise and fall of action with Olin's death. To add another fight of such importance in the last couple thousand words seemed out of place. For me, it cheapened the whole experience. I almost wish you had made a second thread for Draconus!

    Setting, I felt, also had its strengths and weaknesses. You both are exceptional at it, as I could tell in some places. For example, you both have a habit of starting your posts very setting-heavy, but you then let it trickle away as you write on. Setting the scene is important, but to totally immerse your reader, you have to keep that flame burning. Keep referencing it, and always think about how it affects everything your characters do. The cave in post 14 was a missed opportunity - I would have loved to have been able to better picture Draconus' lair. Like pacing, neither of you are bad at setting, by any means. I just look for more consistency!



    Character: 20/30

    Let me start by saying OLIN WAS AMAZING. So rarely am I ever so drawn to a character, especially one that isn't necessarily a main character, ESPECIALLY one that is a villain. But you both just put so much thought into how you wrote him. How he spoke in sing-song rhymes, how he reacted to bad news, and how he was constantly thinking of such devilish deeds (servants cleaning up the dirt with their tongues?!). It was all exceptional. I found myself more than a little disappointed when he was killed, which is probably worrisome, considering he was a terrible man. But he brought so much life to your story. He was so unique.

    Though you both wrote Breaker and Shin very well, I found that they were less unique. Shin, this advice will probably sound quite familiar. Either Breaker and Shin are both similar characters, or you are both similar writers, but I had a difficult time telling the two of them apart. That happens when there is heavy bunnying happens - it can be more difficult to tell the characters apart. I did notice that Shin was more apt to internal monologue and swearing, but that was about it. I would encourage each of you to consider quirks for your characters, to help them stand out a bit more. Consider their pasts, their preferences, and how those might affect their behavior or mannerisms. Again, this is higher-level stuff. You're both skilled, this is just meant to push you a bit more. Overall, what your characters did and said made sense, but how can you take good writing and make it exceptional?

    In terms of persona, I did note a few times that I thought really stood out. Shin, your reflection of how your character has changed in post 3 (the internal monologue) helped me get a feel for what kind of man he is, and why. I also liked that Olin drew in breath and looked at his servants just to watch them flinch. And the way that he used his right hand man as a meat shield. I just liked Olin.



    Prose: 19/30

    Mechanics were both a strength and a weakness, depending on how you looked at them. In terms of blatant spelling errors, you had only one that I found during my two readings. That's evidence of proof-reading, and that always earns a writer kudos in my book. You'd be surprised how many people never re-read what they've written before submitting it. There were some other mechanics issues, however, that brought your score down. First, there were many missing commas. I'm normally lenient on commas, because I consider myself overly comma-happy. But your comma use was inconsistent. Sometimes you used them, but in nearly identical sentences, you didn't. There were a few things that were mistyped, such as a comma coming after a quotation mark in dialogue. And finally, there were a number of run-on sentences that bogged me down. For example, in post 3,
    The Brotherhood's contacts had their snouts to the ground to look for any trace of Sam's partners but violent attacks on the informants had trebled and soon enough information had dried up like a Fallien watering hole in the summer.
    This isn't a bad line, at all. But it is too wordy. I'd encourage you to see how it could be broken up with more punctuation. If you would like more examples of sentences like this, please let me know.

    These overly-complex sentences did contribute to some clarity issues, but only to the extent that I had to re-read, or read aloud. Other confusion stemmed from not knowing enough about these characters. I always read a thread as if it is the only thing by that author I've seen. As such, I had no idea who Am'aleh was until half-way through the thread, when I vaguely remembered another thread I'd read from Breaker. If I were to have stuck to my rule, I wonder if I would have ever really known who she was, or what her relationship with Breaker was. Maybe in his last post? A quick reminder of who she was, from either one of you, would have been helpful. I know I could just look at a character sheet, and some judges probably might, but I like to have it all in the story where possible.

    The largest source of confusion was the names used. Olin, for example, went by Olin, Rutland, Olin Rutland, the Lunatic, all interchangeably. Then there was Darrin, Hornsby, Darrin Hornsby, the enforcer. Then there were a couple of instances when you described your characters by their appearance. Sometimes you favored first names, other times, last names.When these are characters I know well, and there are only a couple in the story, it isn't such a big deal. But you both created a huge, diverse cast of characters: Olin, Darrin, Roderick, the Hierophant, Draconus, Am'aleh, Shin, Joshua. If they each have a whole slew of names, it can be very difficult to keep them straight. I made a cheat sheet.

    Technique was your strongest area here. Breaker had some really fantastic instances of alliteration, which is one of my favorites. There were many similes and metaphors, and some neat imagery. I even liked the expressions that were used. Still, I have to comment on the use of "another thing coming." It was my understanding that the phrase was intended to be "another think coming." Granted, this certainly did not affect your score in the slightest, because, you know, Judas Priest.



    Wildcard: 8/10

    Not only did your thread contain one of my new favorite characters, it also inspired me to pull up my own story and start writing. Few authors have done the same for me. Thank you.



    Final Score: 67/100

    Breaker receives:

    • 5,050 EXP!
    • 275 GP!


    Shinsou receives:

    • 3,800 EXP!
    • 275 GP!

    Congratulations!
    Althy's Judging Admin
    To try or not to try. To take a risk or play it safe.
    Your arguments have reminded me how precious the right to choose is.
    And because I've never been one to play it safe, I choose to try.




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