Shin's (bad) Joke Thread

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Please feel free to contribute to this new encyclopedia of awful, terrible jokes...

A study has found that most head lice have mutated and are now resistant to over-the-counter treatments.

The problem's left scientists scratching their heads.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Last time I ate in a restaurant in France, I found a fly in my soup. Showing off my French, I told the waiter there was "un mouche dans ma soupe." He corrected me, telling me that it was "une mouche."

You can say what you like about the French, but they must have fucking good eyesight.....

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Emirates Airlines are offering first-class passengers a suite with bedrooms and a shower.

You can enjoy the same luxuries from Ryanair if you cancel your flight and stay home.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

A nine year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look ten years younger.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

A young red indian boy goes to see his father by the river.

"Father", the boy asks, "I'd like to ask you about our naming culture. Why is my sister called Flowering Meadow?"

The father raised an eyebrow. "Ah. That is because she was conceived in the most beautiful meadow in the country."

The little boy nods. "Father, sorry to ask again, but why is my brother called Rocky Mountain?"

The father raises his hand, gesturing to the horizon. "Ah. That is because your brother was conceived on the peak of the greatest mountain in the country."

The boy falls silent. The father looks at him, and puts his arm around him

"Why do you ask, Torn Johnny?"

[Storm Veritas]

A young bachelor is flying and to his luck is seated next to a beautiful brunette, who immediately catches his eye with a dazzling smile.

Twenty minutes into the flight, she opens a book with an amazing cover - "The Male Penis".

Exasperated, he can't help but ask about it. "Call me juvenile, but anything interesting in your book there? Looks wild!"

Coyly, the lovely girl responds. "Actually, according to this, amongst light skinned males, native american men tend to have the thickest manhoods, whereas polish men are on average blessed with the best length."

"Well, you know what they say about lies and statistics and all that." His cheeks blush as he tries to break the ice further. "It's a great story either way. Say, I didn't catch your name?"

"Debbie. Debbie Alexander, thanks. And your name?"

"Oh, me? Tonto Kowalski. Damned nice to meet you."

[Yvonne]

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

How do you feel when there is no coffee?
Depresso.

What did the midget say to the pint of beer?
I could drink you under the table.

[realize.real.lies.]

Are you sure you aren’t a hot dog vendor? Cause you can sure make my wiener stand!

Are those space pants you’re wearing? Cause that ass is outta this world!

Who is sleep deprived and can speak French? Mwah!

[redford]

Why do scuba divers roll backward into the water?

Because if they rolled forwards they'd just go into the boat.

[Scratch&Dent]

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A: Anybody can roast beef.

[Philomel]

I will get some of my dad's bad ones up here. For now, here's one of his I remember:

A man was making a film about people snapping a pencil harshly.
He was arrested for scenes of graphite violence.
He was arr

[Scratch&Dent]

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to end it, once and for all.

The first kingdom sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a soup pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the all the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a single survivor limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, bloodied, but victorious.

What I mean to say, is that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to end it, once and for all.

The first kingdom sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a soup pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the all the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a single survivor limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, bloodied, but victorious.

What I mean to say, is that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Nicked.

[Storm Veritas]

Math jokes, folks. We're getting sophisticated up here.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Better bring the levels down.

Three guys walk into a bar.

Ouch.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

What does Trump’s hair and a Tulum thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

What did The Donald yell when his Mexican houseboy tried to put out a fire in Trump Tower using the wrong extinguisher?

No way, Hose A!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

A man's wife hits him across the head.

He says "What's that for?"

She says "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Sexy Sarah written on it".

Quick as a flash he says "That's the name of a horse I bet on today, you silly cow"

She apologizes.

A week later she hits him with a frying pan!

He says, "What the fuck was that for?".

She replies. "Your horse phoned!

[Little Red]

A man was looking at a wall of jars. he said "Trying to find what you want in all of this is a real pickle." He then snapped back and said, "That line was real jarring."

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

A man was looking at a wall of jars. he said "Trying to find what you want in all of this is a real pickle." He then snapped back and said, "That line was real jarring."

Sweet baby Jesus.