It’s Not About Handling the Truth but Accpeting It. -closed.-

[loves.blessing.]

The tattered woman that used to be McKinley walked into the open meadow where her cottage sat. Lately the walls that made her home felt more like a prison. It was left of a reminder of all her failures and broken life. Shoulders slightly hunched forward, head hanging low and her once bright aura now fading, she sauntered to her house.

Her hopes of her dire wolf coming to greet her were quickly shattered when she entered the opening. If Nymeria had returned to her she would have almost trampled her, slathering her face with kisses. A small sob echoed off the emptiness around her as she was so unsure of everything in her life right now. Her beloved companion had been gone over a month and no sign of her returning. She had found herself smack dab in the middle of a war between two gods, two kenkus on both sides.

Joshua…

Just the thought of his name sent a crippling ache in the middle of her breast. She gulped for air and pushed forward. The door still hung off all but one of its hinges from when Avin had kicked it in. As she entered the cottage, she found it still in ruins. Her bookshelf that she had built herself was in splinter pieces from the male kenku throwing her across the room into it. Her gaze swept the room to the busted window from when he rushed her. One puddle of old blood dried from when he had stabbed her in front of the breakfast nook.

McKinley’s hand shook as she lightly touched her stomach from where the spear was embedded. Another small dried up puddle around the counter from where he had used her face as a punching bag. A trail of it swept across her front room to the mantle from where she had vanished.

A few tears slide down her freckled cheeks. She wiped at them as she surpassed all of it. Her small hands gripped the bottle that sat at the edge of her kitchen counter and walking to her bedroom. Her body still stiff and sore as she stripped her tatter clothes off. Her fair, ivory complexion was riddled with slowly healing bruises. She stood there for a moment studying her tattered frame before she grabbed an oversized tan colored sweater that fell to her mid thighs and off her right shoulder.

Quickly she pulled her hair into a messy bun, a few red tendrils fell around her face framing it, naturally. Slowly and carefully she crawled into her goose feathered bed. She pulled her warm, fluffy duvet around her shoulders like a cloak. Pop! She uncorked the bottle that held dark liquor in it. The harsh smell assaulted her noses as she scrunched her face slightly.

Gulp, gulp, gulp.

The liquor made a warm trail down her throat into her belly, warming her body with a shiver. She coughed and sputtered at the harshness. Her face creased in a deep frown as she put the bottle to her lips again. Another few swigs before she set the bottle aside and let the warmth that spreaded throughout her body guide her to sleep.

[Breaker]

The sun peeked out from behind the grey clouds that blanketed the the top of the Shiriyama Mountains. Its rays scattered as they struck those frosted peaks, sending kaleidoscope shadows across the mountain wall. A thin breeze made flecks of ice and snow flutter. It tugged at the open collar of the shirt worn by the Thayneslayer who stood alone on the precipice. The wind flitted around his laceless metal boots and played in his close-cropped brown hair. Otherwise nothing moved. The frigid stillness felt like water at the base of an ice dam. Peaceful, but with a sense of impending chaos.

Ice flakes sprayed as a hooked axe forged of delyn appeared over the precipice and bit into the mountain’s pate. The god-man dressed in black stepped back from the sight, a smile dimpling the Y-shaped scars on his cheeks.

“Jake,” he said as the half elf heaved himself onto the mountaintop. “I had a feeling you would be the first.”

For a time the young man was too breathless to speak. He recovered in moments, though, and rose up to his knees with a gasp.

“Breaker, you really are a bastard,” he managed, and then pitched forward on his face, hugging the frozen ground like a long lost lover.

Joshua “Breaker” Cronen chuckled and knelt down. He opened Jake’s pack and extracted a wineskin, and then pulled the half elf to his feet. He took a short swig of wine, swishing the strong spiced alcohol around his mouth before swallowing.

Jake seized the skin and took a long draught, not coming up for air until some of the tanned color returned to his pale cheeks. He sighed contentedly and shrugged off his pack to put the wine away.

“But really,” he said. “It’s one thing to force a man to climb over the damn mountains in the space of three days. But when you go free-climbing the entire thing ahead of us, it just adds insult to injury.”

“You’d prefer if I moved at your pace?” Breaker asked, eyebrows lifting in surprise. “I’d have thought that would be a touch… condescending.”

“Not to mention less inspiring for your rangers, I suppose.” Jake said.

While they spoke, the first regiment of rangers for the Faith United clambered over the cliff face, all breathing hard. They were twelve of the toughest, hardiest warriors who had joined Breaker’s private militia, and he had selected them personally for the special regiment. Men and women from a mixture of races, they spread out across the mountaintop in twos and threes as their breathing settled.

Breaker gave an inspiring speech about determination and grit winning wars. He gave a lot of inspiring speeches those days. Once they’d had a proper rest they prepared for the descent, jamming pitons into gaps in the ice and stone and knotting and re-knotting ropes. Josh went down first, free-climbing with a rope in each hand like a monkey winding down a pair of vines. He waited at the bottom while the others descended carefully with harnesses lashed to the ropes. Before the sun had dropped too far in the sky they all stood on moss-covered ground.

Something moved in the dense foliage of the forest which grew up within a score of yards from the mountain range. The rangers detected it and deployed into defensive positions. Jake uncased the bow from his back with lightning-quick hands, stringing an arrow and sighting on the disturbance. Josh sniffed the wind.

“It’s a dire wolf,” he said aloud, striding out of the pack toward the sighting.

Concerned chatter broke out amongst the rangers, but Jake lifted a calming hand.

“Don’t worry, laddos. I think he knows this wolf.”

The massive beast stalked out of the shadows, lather soaked into the fur of her fanged face. Although she was great in size, to one who knew her the wolf looked emaciated and exhausted. She had been searching for some time.

“Nymeria?” Josh called, and her ears perked up as she trotted toward him. He extended a hand for her to lick and patted her thick coat. “What are you doing here?” He wondered aloud. Worry and concern seized him like the malevolent hands of an astral torturer. If Kinley had sent her familiar on a wild, long-distance adventure to find him, she must have been in some kind of trouble. There could be no other reason for it.

“Jake,” Breaker snapped, turning around with Nymeria scampering at his side. The rangers stirred as they drew close, but the dire wolf ignored them. “I need a portal to Kinley’s cabin. Now.”

“But you said no portals on this excursion-”

“I said now.” Breaker reiterated. “The rest of you will finish the journey for me. You’re due back at base camp in Concordia before sunset tomorrow. I need to see to Kinley. Please.”

The half elf threw up his hands as if exasperated, but turned the motion into a flourish and conjured a stone portal in the ground.

“Hop on in,” he said, “it should drop you right outside her front door.”

“Thank you,” Josh said. “Don’t be late,” he added as he stepped down through the hole in reality.

His boots hit the ground just shy of Kinley’s doorstep. He stepped aside swiftly as Nymeria hit the ground, and watched the tear in the air recede to nothing as the portal dissipated.

“McKinley?” He called, concern etching his voice. The door was halfway off its hinges so he led Nymeria into the kitchen. The wolf immediately set to sniffing at the base of the big bag of Coronian Kibbles, so Josh poured her a large bowl and continued his search. The cottage was disheveled in an alarming way, a state Kinley would never allow. He found her curled up in bed and sat down beside her.

“Kinley,” he whispered as he woke her, “what happened here-” the question died on his lips as he saw her bruises. Rage like the tip of a lightning bolt shone in his eyes. “Who did this to you?” He asked as he cupped her face between callused hands.

[loves.blessing.]

The sleep had cocooned the petite redhead, consuming her almost entirely. The small buzz of warmth from the bourbon she drank was replaced with the warmth of human touch. McKinley hummed with approval for a moment before her eyes fluttered open.

Her vision was slightly blurry as she tried to collect herself. The outrageous roar of Breaker made her jump and come to her senses all together. At first her heart swelled in her chest with happiness. As quickly as the feeling came it left. His full dark brows furrowed and creased with anger.

“Joshua..”

The sound of a stampede came down her hallway. Her large calico dire wolf launched herself into McKinley’s bed, separating the two lovers. Almost as shocked as she was to see Joshua, a small sob left her lips as Nymeria licked her face.

“Oh Nym you came back!”

Her bright blue orbs over flowed with tears. She pressed her face into the chest of the overgrown lap dog. As she hugged her companion she quickly realized how thin she had gotten. McKinley’s smile creased into a frown before she met Breaker’s intense gaze.

She caught her lower lip between her teeth, wincing slightly from the tenderness of the newly almost healed plush flesh. Trying to find words a few more tears slid down her cheeks.

“Wha- what are you doing here?” She finally croaked.

The large prized fighter nudged Nymeria off the bed. McKinley was going to protest but the look on his face closed her mouth that was hanging open. His large, rough hands wiped away tears.

“How about you tell me what the hell happened to you McKinley.”

She flinched as her full name leapt from his lips like an insult. Her mouth grew dry and just as the day she had met him in that karaoke bar she couldn’t speak. The closeness of him was driving her to the brink of insanity. His hands fell from her face as he hit the spot on the bed next to her.

“Damn it, tell me who hurt you! Who did this to your home!”

His booming voice made her jump and yelp at the same time causing Nymeria to growl. She took a trembling hand and rested it on top of his own. Her tiny appendages barely able to cover half of his.

“We- we are all on edge here! You have no right to come in here demanding answers! YOU left me here for months! Alone, unsure if I would ever even hear from you again!”

McKinley’s pale, bruised face was now flushed with anger as she pulled her hand away. She stood up from her bed and walked to the other side of the room. Her wolf was not the only one that had lost some weight. McKinley’s already petite body now looked tiny and frail.

Though she tried to plaster a look of anger on her face the hurt that shown in her eyes gave her away. She wrapped her arms around her small frame. Tears leaked down her face as her lower lip quivered with his betrayal. Vindrexis’ words still echoed in her head.

“A lot has happened while you were away, serving your Goddess.”

The last part she spat out with hate. How? How could she love him so much but want to hate him even more? Quickly she turned from him. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t look at him without wanting to jump into his arms and tell him everything. How she had befriended not one but two kenkus, one that thought she betrayed him and beat her badly. How two godly brothers were going to rage war. How she was right in the middle of everything.

“A lot has changed…”

Her voice barely a whisper.

[Breaker]

Breaker breathed in.

Since he last saw Kinley, he had spent all of his time with warriors; hardened men and women who fought like they breathed. His behavior and mannerisms had become rough in that time, out of convenience. He could easily control his soldiers by striping his tone with a lash of anger. On the battlefield, the second of difference it made in their response time could be vital. With Kinley… other things were important.

Breaker breathed out.

“What has changed?” He asked in a soft tone. “Do you not trust me anymore? Is that different?” He stepped closer and took her hands firmly in his. “If you don’t trust me Kinley, then send me away, for I would not deserve you. But if you do trust me, you must tell me what happened. I cannot stand for harm against my woman.” His face darkened.

“Tell me who has hurt you, who has damaged your home. What would Nymeria have done to the offenders if she had been here? You know as well as I. She would have ripped their throats out, torn them limb from limb. I will settle for no less. It is the natural order. Those who prey on others will meet their match.”

Twin veins pulsed in his forehead, drawing a blue halo around his pate. He released McKinley’s hands and she backed away.

“One day soon, I will find them. I will drag them out from whatever hole they call a home. I will bring them to my base camp near Gisela, for all the faithful to witness their shame. I will arm and armor them, and face them off against the weakest of my warriors. The freshest of my recruits. They will have a fair chance to fight for their lives, and do you know what they will do?”

He was scaring her. He could see fear shining in her eyes, smell it on her sudden sweat. He could not stop. She needed to know how much he cared.

“They will attempt to flee, and I will kill them myself. For they will know that facing the Faith United spells certain doom. They will know that crossing a Thayneslayer spells certain doom. They will know, McKinley. They will know.”

She was shaking like a leaf on its last legs as he wrapped his arms around her. He held her until her breathing steadied, and her trembling stayed. He held her until the warmth from his thick form spread to her slender body. He held her until he felt all the love in his heart touch her soul. Only then did he let her go, and look upon her.

“Tell me,” he whispered. “Tell me everything.”

[loves.blessing.]

McKinley blinked a few times, trying to find the words, the courage to tell him. Her heart ached with so much love to this man yet his betrayal weighed it down, heavily. She dared not to move when he withdrew. She felt the warmth leave with him.

Her lower lips trembled slightly, giving away her internal war she was having. She had to tell him, to know for sure if what Vindrexis had told her was true. She cleared her throat softly, her eyes bore into his own.

“I love you.” She whispered softly. Her voice breaking slightly.

“I love you with every breath I have in me… I have learned things about myself, about us that I wish I could unlearn. I am not just human, I am a skaeth. I come from the shadows literally. There is darkness inside me.”

Joshua tried to move to comfort her but she held up a shaking hand to stop him. Her bright blue orbs brimming with tears, they shone like the sun of the sea. She chuckled softly, one that held no amusement or humor in it.

“I have met not one but two gods, two kenkus and a war that I am caught up in. One of the gods, a cruel godling he is. He told me something that I think I have known all along. Maybe he shared what he did to break me, so I would swear loyalty to him, I still don’t know..”

She paused, catching and unchecking her lower lip. Finally she blurted it out. “I know your faith in your goddess isn’t just spiritual, but emotional and physical.”

Her face broke, tears flowed down her cheeks. The trembling took hold of her like a raging storm against s boat. She tore her eyes from his as she glanced down at her bare feet.

“I can not compete with a goddess, in some eyes you have cheated and I wish I could hate you for it but I don’t.. I do wonder many things such as, was she the reason I was captured by some of your men and sentenced to drown in shark infested water.”

She looked at him then, his own face looked twisted with sadness. His silence was almost deafening. She could feel hope slowly slipping from her. She had hoped that he would admit his wrongs but also profess how he couldn’t lose McKinley. How he loved her so deeply.

She took a chance and glanced at him, all of him. His brows furrowed with sadness. His face set in stone with his expression. His lips looked of wine, oh how she wished she could taste it. The Y shape scar on his beautifully chiseled face stretched with tension. His large, strong and muscular body was tense.

[Breaker]

“My Am’aleh did not cause your arrest
I alone am responsible for that.
You need not compete with Her, McKinley.
When I worship her I worship you too.”

Breaker reached out a lone callused finger.
He caressed the nape of McKinley’s neck.
Her breath shuddered like a trembling rose.

“I worship Am’aleh for all of us,
For merfolk below and kenkus above.
Bringing glory to her brings glory back,
And lifts us ever higher in her eyes.”

The finger that had touched her neck lifted
Her chin, and he caught her crystal blue eyes.

“Kinley, I love you more than I can say.
If the skies fell down and split on the earth
I would cover you with my own body.
I want to lay with you for hours on end.”

His finger traced down over her middle
Down past her hip as he stepped in closer.
He stood still with his lips a breath from hers.

“Speak to me the names of these so-called gods.
I know kenkus but not of their deities.
I could discover them by my methods,
But I would hear you speak the names of those
Who follow in the footsteps of Draconus.”

He said the name of the Thayne he had slain
Into the soft samite folds of her ear.

[loves.blessing.]

McKinley’s breathing escalated with his nearness. Her knees growing weak with desire. The muscles inside the deepest, darkest part of her clench in the most delicious fashion. He spoke so passionately about not only his goddess, but her as well. A simple red headed, freckled face, violinist that had no business being in love with such a man- Demi god.

“I- I don’t want to share you.. I-I don’t think I can, not any more.”

McKinley breathed against his broad chest. As soon as the words left her lips she wanted to suck them back in. She didn’t want to lose him, she knew if he had to choose that he would always choose his Am’aleh. Although jealous burned bright it was extinguished and over taken by her fear.

She knew that he loved her he had just professed that. He had also professed his love to his goddess just as equally passionate. She didn’t know if she could do it, live with the knowledge of her love, her first love, loving another as well as her. Did he worship her body? Did he caress her then way he had with McKinley?

“I- I can’t.”

McKinley began to panic as she pulled away. Just as quickly as she tried to flee a large hand wrapped around her slender waistline. He pulled her flush against his chest. Her hands automatically landing on his hard as stone pecks.

“You ask me what I have been through yet brush away the fact that I am slowly crumbling inside. I can’t do it. The thought of losing you to anyone or thing sucks the breath right out of my breast. It makes my knees weak and my heart ache as if it was set ablaze. But.. But my stomach also turns with envy, jealousy and rage knowing that you run off to do her bidding. Leaving me here. Leaving me alone..”

McKinley tried to fight against his grip but her feeble attempts didn’t faze the prized fighter. She beat against his chest with her small fist. She yelled and screamed and made feral noises like a hurt animal.

Like a statue, Joshua stood there and took every blow. She wanted to hate him so badly. She had never wanted something so much in her life then to be unfazed by his actions.

His breathing started to speed up with each blow he toon and scream she let out. He could have saved her from all this pain if he would have just stayed with her. She would have gotten beaten to a pulp or stabbed in her living room. She wouldn’t be scared that one day he may never return to her.

His free hand caught her face, sliding up her neck. His lips crashed down on hers. The kiss was desperate and urgent at first . McKinley stilled for a moment before returning the kiss with such a hunger. She was weak and she knew it but she didn’t care, not right now. She drank him in deeply and with such greed it was almost glutinous.

[Breaker]

She fell under his power like the moon
Setting each night in submission to light.
Breaker had lain with the real moon herself
Suravani had loved him less fiercely
Than the tiny redhead he now embraced.

“I died without your kisses,” Breaker said,
“A little more every day and each night.”

He swept her off her feet and carried her
Past piles of broken furniture to bed.
He laid her down and wrapped her in his arms,
Indulging in her tastes and her textures.

They breathed as one and then fell in pleasure,
Asleep upon the looming cheek of night.



A sound roused Breaker from a deep slumber.
He’d dreamed of Am’aleh in the ocean.
Boots scuffled over the hard kitchen floor.
Three pairs of boots for three men who would die.
Looters who chose the wrong house to invade.

Josh rose from bed like a specter of doom
“Stay here,” he said to Kinley’s soft murmur.
He left his metal boots beneath the bed
And padded toward the whispered voices
As the burglars inspected the kitchen.

“Leave this place,” he said, “the Faith United
Offers protection to this house and us.
Harm shall fall on those who prey on others.”

They came at him together with blades drawn.
He struck each before they could even think.
They fell in rough unison like shadows
Beneath the sun as it strikes highest noon.

“It is safe now, Kinley.” Josh called to her.
He stooped to carry the bodies outside.
One by one he hefted them to a ditch.
“I will fix the damages to your house.”
He said when he returned from the foul deed.
“And then I hunt two kenkus to the death.”

[loves.blessing.]

“You aren’t going to harm the kenkus, Joshua.”

She frowned softly a small sheer sheet was all that was wrapped around her frame. The moon light poured into the broken window into the kitchen. Her lover, prized fighter he was frowned at her getting ready to protest.

Quickly she closed the distance. Laying one simple hand on his bare chest. She allowed her fingers to trace over a few of the scars. A soft, sad smile pulled at the edges of her lips.

“I can not claim to know or be okay with the way you worship your goddess. But you will also keep in mind that I will NOT share you with any one else.”

Her bright orbs bore into him as she peppered a few kisses on his chest, following the scars as if she was playing connect the dots.

“McKinley..”

He sighed. Quickly she placed a finger on his lips before stepping back. A coy smile danced across her lips as she let the small sheet fall in a pool of fabric around her feet. Her fair complexion bathed in the moon light as she tilted her head back. She released her locks from their suspension as the cascaded in waves down her back.

“I am not completely helpless, my love.”

She purred with seductiveness. She closed her eyes and stepped back into the shadows. She could feel the cool tendrils wrap around her, cloaking her in darkness and shielding her from her lovers eye sit. Opening her eyes, her vision was always blurry in the shadow realm.

McKinley could feel the pull of darkness but kept her focus on Joshua. As long as she avoided light she couldn’t be seen and the cloak would stay in tact. The look on his face was confusion at first as he reached out to where she had been.

“What? McKinley?”

He called out. With much stealth movement she moved around him. Careful not to trip over the tattered pieces of parts of her home. When she was finally positioned to be right behind him she let the cloak slip away like a second skin.

“I told you I am not helpless. You asked me earlier if I trust you. I do, with every fiber in my being. You also have to trust me, Thayne slayer.”

He turned around quickly to face her. A proud smile on his face. His eyes dipping down to her naked form before back up to her.

[Breaker]

Josh could see through the magic she employed,
And he heard her heartbeat move around him
But he smiled proudly for her just the same.
It seemed Kinley sometimes forgot who she
Had fallen in love with; a demigod.

A true deity, not some false prophet birds
Who had to beat and stab a woman to
Get her to declare her love for them.
He would not forget this severe trespass.
But he had a great task ahead of him

Over the next few days and weeks Breaker
Repaired Kinley’s cottage while she cleaned up.
He enlisted the help of carpenters
And masons to make the cottage stronger,
And spoke with many folk at nearby towns.
He learned all he could learn with coin and fear.
By night, they slept, they loved, lived as one.

And then the day arrived. Josh came into
The kitchen while Kinley was cooking eggs
One morning. He smelled the melting cheese and
Looked into the eyes of his mortal love.

“I have learned the names of these so called gods
Who invaded your house and caused you harm.
In short time my scouts will discover them.
Will you speak their names before I kill them?”

He paused, sniffing the acrid burning eggs.

“Do you believe in me, or the kenkus?”

[loves.blessing.]

McKinley frowned, her heart bounced off her breast bone. These last few weeks had been heavenly to her, precious and almost sacred. It was like they were almost a family, her, him and Nymeria.

“Joshua..”

She sighed his name, quickly she turned off the fire from the already burnt eggs. She turned slowly to face him. Her bright orbs looked him over. She loved the way that when he was serious the Y shaped scar on his cheek stretched out. She walked towards him, his eyes never leaving hers.

McKinley placed a hand on his chest. Her thumb stroked his pec muscles. Tracing soothing patterns as she nibbles on her lower lip.

“We have been together two beautiful years, I would trade my own life for yours if I were able to. I love you with my entire soul, my whole being. There are things that you don’t understand. The two kenkus aren’t a threat to me….”

“Like hell they aren’t!”

His voice filled the newly renovated cottage. Kinley flinched at all the anger she could hear in his tone.

“Joshua, please..”

She pleaded following after him as he stalked off. She gripped his strong, muscular forearm to stop him. She tried to turn him to face her but he stood firm like a brick wall. She fluidly moved herself in front of him. Her hand laid gently on his cheek now, gently stroking his scar.

“I love you, I believe in you. But what happened to me is bigger than exacting your revenge. Is it not enough that I am here, I am alive? That we are together at last? Is it not enough to let the anger go in your heart for my sake?”

[Breaker]

“There are things bigger than you and I, love.”

Breaker said softly to the fiery lass.

“Those pretenders who claim to be gods in
Am’aleh’s realm must be served their justice.
These thieves who stole some of your love from me,
They must be brought down to answer their crimes.”

He turned and looked straight into her blue eyes.

“Is it too much to ask that you love me
Before them, that you stay true when I’m gone?”

The acid in his tone scalded her soul.
He saw the hurt in her eyes but could not
Take back his words.She needed to hear him.

“If I cannot leave without you losing faith,
Then I will never leave your side again.
I will gladly be your love’s prisoner.”

He strode across the room, looking away.

“If you do not trust me first then say so;
I will stay here until I win your love.
But if you do trust me as you so claim,
Speak the names of those god-kenkus I seek,
Spit their names and chase them from your sweet mind,
And know that you condemn them to their doom.”

[Storm Veritas]

Thread Title: It’s Not About Handling The Truth But Accepting It(Quest)
Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
Participants: Breaker and loves.blessing.

This was a short, interesting quest that I’m glad I took. It builds off previous threads I have read and does a lovely job of continuing the complicated, sad, glorious relationship of Josh Cronen and McKinley. This thread is flawed but creative, a solid effort that I’d recommend for those seeking a touching, quick romantic thread.

Plot: 17/30

There were some limitations to what could be done here because the scope of the thread is very small. There isn’t a lot of ambition in terms of having an epic arc, but the thread executes a small, critical point in the relationship between these two very nicely.

Although this was a quick thread, the pacing still felt a little slow. It was obvious that you two enjoy writing with each other and didn’t want to overstep the development of the thread, but perhaps some PM or Google-Doc driven communication could allow some more advanced planning to push the plot forward more aggressively.

The stage was set very well and very consistently. It was obvious that Breaker deploys multi-sensory observations a little more frequently than McKinley, where the narration was much more visually dominant. In either event, I thought setting was well done, creating the atmosphere without further slowing things down.

Because of the criticality of character to the driving plot, it is hard to separate the two.

Character: 18/30

This was the strongest section of the thread for me. I really enjoy the interaction of the two characters, and their relationship here seems entirely authentic.

There are still some idiosyncracies that I notice here that seem a bit bothersome. Breaker occasionally goes a bit over the top with his theatrics; when he threatens those that would bring harm to McKinley, his choice of words seems inappropriately graphic in a moment where she would seek comfort. Conversely, McKinley is either a round character or an inconsistent one; in a thread of this length we don’t know which one.

Is she the defiant, strong-willed fighter that defies the demi-god lover, or the weak-kneed lover that cowers to his physicality? In a longer thread this would be better developed, so I didn’t penalize you here as quick threads are plenty of fun.

Prose: 15/30

YOU MISSPELLED THE TITLE!!!!

Amazingly, this was the only spelling mistake I found.

This wasn’t a particularly clean thread, but there also weren’t any unforgiveable errors. It seems clear that McKinley’s threads are spell-checked, but I’d encourage an audible re-reading to clear up some lower hanging fruit. For example, in the first post:

“A few tears slide down her freckled cheeks. She wiped at them as she surpassed all of it.”

Please pick a tense. If we are writing in the past tense, it should be slid, but if it’s present tense, then she wipes at them. I presume this was a simple typo/error with slide/slid that wouldn’t be caught without an audible rereading. That is a really hard thing to catch, but it was also one of many similar errors that only get caught upon reading – the wrong time to discover them.

I have to penalize Breaker for the inconsistency in leaping to iambic pentameter with no rhyme or reason. This thread went from gothic romance to Shakespearean with no rationale.

I have to credit Breaker for the excellent execution of iambic pentameter. As best I could tell you adhered to the alternating stressed syllable and five paired syllables per line.

Net impact of poetry is a wash; I think it would have been a strong credit if it were uniformly done. I like the hustle.


Wildcard: 5/10

Easiest score of all time. A solid, respectable thread you can both be proud of. Lots of mistakes that are all very understandable (except the title! :P). Some great creative strokes, however pretty clearly not a load of advanced planning.

Final Score: 55/100

Nicely done. Both of you are capable of more, but this was a very respectable thread that I enjoyed and would look forward to more.

Breaker receives: 1280 EXP and 70 GP!
loves.blessing. receives: 530 EXP and 70 GP!

Congratulations!