Workshop: Island in the Sun

[Cards of Fate]

What is the name of your thread?: Island in the Sun (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?67-Island-in-the-Sun-(closed-to-Ray)
Who participated in the thread?: Rayleigh
Cards of Fate
Number of Posts?: 21
Full Rubric Judgment?: No

Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP

Critique Guidelines:

1) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4) In order to receive EXP for your feedback, a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Glacies]

Ok, so I'm going to try to get back into this a little bit, see if I can't kind of sort of find my way back into doing this kind of help again.

First off, good to see the both of you back in form, that's the most important thing. The break you took during this thread might have skewed your numbers from the beginning to the end, so please keep this in mind as you continue to read.

First, your story. It's about as cute as I could have imagined it. These two don't seem to have any inkling of the depth of their liking toward each other, above and beyond their work relationship in the Tarot, and this works out in the writers' favors. You guys play on that chemistry and the confusing feelings they cause through a majority of the thread. It's even evident in the hidden delight Vince takes in saying that he and Rayleigh are “married” for the sake of the mission.

On the other hand, your crossed writing (whether one person controlling both characters in each post or both of you writing your separate parts for the posts) does leave the slightest bit of confusion. It doesn't always flow perfectly the way that the both of you seem to want it to, especially when you start a post on the ending of a previous post. To the reader that kind off repetition is kind of off putting, because it's the line they just read before popping into the next post. I'd... not do that, if it were me. Just a suggestion.

Finally, toward the end, where the two of you are going to head to Earth... this thread very much cut short there at the cave of crystals. The twist was well done. Honestly, the way you played it up with the city itself having all of these things that Earth has was brilliant, even if I didn't see the twist coming myself. Right now I have my guesses about this place and its connection to Vincent's own home world, but I'm going to keep that under my hat for now.

In the meantime, I suggest mainly that the two of you continue to work on your tandem writing. It's hard having two writers come off as though they have the same voice in a narrative, but you guys did an admirable job of it at least in this thread.

[Storm Veritas]

Late to the party, but I wanted to add some thoughts for you here. This was a really fun quest, and both of you are terrific writers. These are sort of disorganized notes I took reading through the thread. My notes are inherently critical since I tend to only jot something down if it appears like a mistake. Those were few and far between.

I like the quick pacing, but it draws attention to a couple simple grammatical mistakes or odd idiosyncracies.

As an example, the sentence:

“He’d been under a lot of stress, and so had his dear friend Rayleigh Ashton, so he’d devised a clever plan.”

This reads a little awkwardly; I may suggest breaking it into two sentences, or using parentheses to capture the middle clause. Similarly, in post 15:

“He felt torn, after all he also was a horrendously sloppy eater, but the two “needed” to keep a low profile.”

Its good work, but this complex thought is not very smooth reading. Perhaps a semicolon after torn, and rewording to “after all, while he was…”? There are a few ways to write this in a way that is easier for the reader to follow.

Rayleigh, post four:

“Obviously. But he bit the comment back” – it’s not immediately clear where you are referencing here, perhaps a thought fleshed out mentally that you didn’t clearly delineate.

Clever, fun dialogue in the back and forth. Subtlety and inside jokes that are well explained. I love the interplay between you two; I think this is the first quest I've read with both of you writing together but would sign up for more in a heartbeat. Vincent's almost childish crush on Ray is wonderful, and she is appropriately disengaged from whatever he's actually up to. There's a fun tension between the two.

Action is very slow; teasing “the mission” and discussing upcoming activity. A slow burn to get where we’re going.

The taco aside feels out of place on Althanas, but was really fun and I enjoyed it anyway. Other references, like “Reggae, mariachi” etc feel initially completely out of place, which would damage setting. This work smartly turns on these references and makes them a major element of storytelling. Cards’ earthen heritage is useful, and the deliberate tie-in was smartly executed. I pivoted from loathing the out-of-place references to savoring them, from tacos to Dallas and everything in between. This was a really creative piece of work that really added a lot of value to your story.

Post 13: “equally as tan” should be “equally tan”. Nitpick city, I know.

The actual action happens very late in the quest, but it’s a simple mission that pivots and fills out a relatively modest quest nicely. It does make for a massive swing in tonality; the cave is juxtaposed to the island setting dramatically and feels like a different quest altogether.

Great job!

[Philomel]

Thank you to both for your great feedback!

Well done to Cards for completing the thread.

Workshop rewards:

Glacies receives:
210 EXP
50 Gold

Storm receives:
850 EXP
50 Gold

[Philomel]

rewards done