It’s Not About Handling the Truth but Accpeting It. -closed.-

McKinley frowned, her heart bounced off her breast bone. These last few weeks had been heavenly to her, precious and almost sacred. It was like they were almost a family, her, him and Nymeria.

“Joshua..”

She sighed his name, quickly she turned off the fire from the already burnt eggs. She turned slowly to face him. Her bright orbs looked him over. She loved the way that when he was serious the Y shaped scar on his cheek stretched out. She walked towards him, his eyes never leaving hers.

McKinley placed a hand on his chest. Her thumb stroked his pec muscles. Tracing soothing patterns as she nibbles on her lower lip.

“We have been together two beautiful years, I would trade my own life for yours if I were able to. I love you with my entire soul, my whole being. There are things that you don’t understand. The two kenkus aren’t a threat to me….”

“Like hell they aren’t!”

His voice filled the newly renovated cottage. Kinley flinched at all the anger she could hear in his tone.

“Joshua, please..”

She pleaded following after him as he stalked off. She gripped his strong, muscular forearm to stop him. She tried to turn him to face her but he stood firm like a brick wall. She fluidly moved herself in front of him. Her hand laid gently on his cheek now, gently stroking his scar.

“I love you, I believe in you. But what happened to me is bigger than exacting your revenge. Is it not enough that I am here, I am alive? That we are together at last? Is it not enough to let the anger go in your heart for my sake?”

“There are things bigger than you and I, love.”

Breaker said softly to the fiery lass.

“Those pretenders who claim to be gods in
Am’aleh’s realm must be served their justice.
These thieves who stole some of your love from me,
They must be brought down to answer their crimes.”

He turned and looked straight into her blue eyes.

“Is it too much to ask that you love me
Before them, that you stay true when I’m gone?”

The acid in his tone scalded her soul.
He saw the hurt in her eyes but could not
Take back his words.She needed to hear him.

“If I cannot leave without you losing faith,
Then I will never leave your side again.
I will gladly be your love’s prisoner.”

He strode across the room, looking away.

“If you do not trust me first then say so;
I will stay here until I win your love.
But if you do trust me as you so claim,
Speak the names of those god-kenkus I seek,
Spit their names and chase them from your sweet mind,
And know that you condemn them to their doom.”

Thread Title: It’s Not About Handling The Truth But Accepting It(Quest)
Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
Participants: Breaker and loves.blessing.

This was a short, interesting quest that I’m glad I took. It builds off previous threads I have read and does a lovely job of continuing the complicated, sad, glorious relationship of Josh Cronen and McKinley. This thread is flawed but creative, a solid effort that I’d recommend for those seeking a touching, quick romantic thread.

Plot: 17/30

There were some limitations to what could be done here because the scope of the thread is very small. There isn’t a lot of ambition in terms of having an epic arc, but the thread executes a small, critical point in the relationship between these two very nicely.

Although this was a quick thread, the pacing still felt a little slow. It was obvious that you two enjoy writing with each other and didn’t want to overstep the development of the thread, but perhaps some PM or Google-Doc driven communication could allow some more advanced planning to push the plot forward more aggressively.

The stage was set very well and very consistently. It was obvious that Breaker deploys multi-sensory observations a little more frequently than McKinley, where the narration was much more visually dominant. In either event, I thought setting was well done, creating the atmosphere without further slowing things down.

Because of the criticality of character to the driving plot, it is hard to separate the two.

Character: 18/30

This was the strongest section of the thread for me. I really enjoy the interaction of the two characters, and their relationship here seems entirely authentic.

There are still some idiosyncracies that I notice here that seem a bit bothersome. Breaker occasionally goes a bit over the top with his theatrics; when he threatens those that would bring harm to McKinley, his choice of words seems inappropriately graphic in a moment where she would seek comfort. Conversely, McKinley is either a round character or an inconsistent one; in a thread of this length we don’t know which one.

Is she the defiant, strong-willed fighter that defies the demi-god lover, or the weak-kneed lover that cowers to his physicality? In a longer thread this would be better developed, so I didn’t penalize you here as quick threads are plenty of fun.

Prose: 15/30

YOU MISSPELLED THE TITLE!!!!

Amazingly, this was the only spelling mistake I found.

This wasn’t a particularly clean thread, but there also weren’t any unforgiveable errors. It seems clear that McKinley’s threads are spell-checked, but I’d encourage an audible re-reading to clear up some lower hanging fruit. For example, in the first post:

“A few tears slide down her freckled cheeks. She wiped at them as she surpassed all of it.”

Please pick a tense. If we are writing in the past tense, it should be slid, but if it’s present tense, then she wipes at them. I presume this was a simple typo/error with slide/slid that wouldn’t be caught without an audible rereading. That is a really hard thing to catch, but it was also one of many similar errors that only get caught upon reading – the wrong time to discover them.

I have to penalize Breaker for the inconsistency in leaping to iambic pentameter with no rhyme or reason. This thread went from gothic romance to Shakespearean with no rationale.

I have to credit Breaker for the excellent execution of iambic pentameter. As best I could tell you adhered to the alternating stressed syllable and five paired syllables per line.

Net impact of poetry is a wash; I think it would have been a strong credit if it were uniformly done. I like the hustle.


Wildcard: 5/10

Easiest score of all time. A solid, respectable thread you can both be proud of. Lots of mistakes that are all very understandable (except the title! :P). Some great creative strokes, however pretty clearly not a load of advanced planning.

Final Score: 55/100

Nicely done. Both of you are capable of more, but this was a very respectable thread that I enjoyed and would look forward to more.

Breaker receives: 1280 EXP and 70 GP!
loves.blessing. receives: 530 EXP and 70 GP!

Congratulations!