Workshop: Fair Weather'd Days

Name of Completed Thread: Fair Weather'd Days
Name of Authors: Aynur and VarWenn
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 9 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: October 6th, 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Post 1

Very clean writing style.

A hook in the opening post. You give the reader a reason to keep reading – I want to know what the phantasm was. A good touch.

Post 2

One of the common mechanical mistakes you make has to do with punctuation choice in your compound sentences. “Aynur was concerned, there were often times when Varin fell silent or went rigid from something.” The comma here doesn’t fit; you can either use a semicolon or just split the sentence into two. Connecting two independent clauses with a comma requires a conjunction (and, but, as, etc). You could make a comma work here, but it would require some reorganization. For example: “Aynur was concerned, as she often was when Varin…” In this case, ‘as’ is the conjunction that allows you to join the two independent clauses with a comma.

“Aynur didn’t mind, she never usually did when it came to his silence.” Same thing – either a semicolon or just two separate sentences.

“Deciding that whatever bothered him, she would do her best to alleviate it.” Fragment. Can be fixed simply by altering the first word to ‘She decided’

“Aynur bought the mallet down hard, she felt it bounce off of something, but heard no ding.” Another example of incorrect comma usage. This is the last example of this that I’ll point out, but it’s something for you to work on, if you wish to do so.

Given that your character can’t see, you do well with setting. I appreciate the way you appeal to the reader’s other four senses.

Post 4

This comment goes for both of you – your characterization is very strong. Both of these characters have lifelike personalities and you play them off of each other very well.

Post 6

“She realized that, maybe, that was rude. “Oh… I’m sorry, that was rude.”” Repetitive. You could delete the first sentence.

Another hint at upcoming danger, perhaps, with the red-and-black aura? Though there isn’t much thread left at this point.

Post 9

Couple of typos. Looks like you were excited to finish, haha.

“He still had some fritters left, at least, squirreled away away in his robe pockets for later.” Doubled up on the ‘away’

“Mostly, he drakari just couldn’t think of anything he wanted more than what he had right now.” “Mostly, the drakari…”




Closing thoughts:

I’m finding it difficult to articulate my thoughts on this thread. You both write well, and I enjoyed it, but I found it… unrewarding, I suppose. And I’m not just talking about the romance-but-not-really dynamic between the main characters.

My biggest issue with the thread is that you teased at conflict a few times – the blue-eyed phantom in the first post, the red-and-black aura in post #6 – but never delivered. Perhaps they were remnants of ideas that you scrapped in the writing process, or perhaps I put too much emphasis on a couple of details that you intended to be minor. Either way, they left me expecting some sort of conflict or antagonist that never materialized, so that was disappointing.

On the positive side, setting and character are both strengths of this thread. The town festival was a familiar-feeling backdrop that you painted well, and both Varin and Aynur are good characters with a lot of life.

The relationship between the two main characters is clearly the centerpiece and star of this thread, and it’s bittersweet and very well-written. I’m interested to see more of this dynamic between Varin and Aynur. Good work!

Hey there! VarWenn and Aynur

Var Wenn you are a very skilled writer I enjoy reading your writing so it's easy to read your threads. My first thoughts on this thread is it lacks the whimsy that your threads for Fenn have. If I had to choose between reading Var Wenn and Fenn Wenn I'd read Fenn Wenn any day its a bit more fun. That being said Var Wenn is a good read too.

Aynur I don't think I've done a workshop for you yet. Welcome this will be painless compared to a lot of other people see I suck at criticism, constructive or other wise.

This is a cute kind of date and most enjoyable though probably a bit cliche. There was nothing really that stood out to me in the way of grammar or prose so iI'm not even going to go there. What I did notice was that nearing the end you both seemed to run out of steam. Both of your first posts were a nice wall of words which I understand you are setting up the entire thread but then as you both went about posting your posts became shorter and shorter. Again I understand this I go through it too, conversational posts tend to be shorter because you don't want it to bog down the actual talking, while the other shorten because you don't want to repeat and or are running out of ideas.

All in all it was a cute thread I was quite entertained! You set up the scene quite well, introduced the characters and their goals in a timely fashion, had a nice and exciting climax and a solid conclusion. The grammar was good as far as I could see so I'm not going to complain about it, and you kept the pace smooth.

Good Job!

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

This was a cute little read that in many ways felt like a very children-friendly G rated sort of story. I could see this being read by elementary school kids in its sort of gentle and sweet affection. Everything is so mild and innocent that to my jaded self almost wants to yawn at it. Still, it glided along in the same gentle manner as the Aynur and Varin have for one another. The setting seemed simple enough and localized for a relaxed day at the festival, with no major surprises in store but two kids on a date. The biggest blip I felt in the experience was that, though the focus seemed the bonding of these two innocent kids, there was a hint at another major antagonist without any real closure. The two appearances of the red-eyed entity were hinted and then left unaddressed, which I try to avoid. I think it more practical to tie up any loose ends as well as possible, even in a short thread, even if the loose end isn't tied permanently.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

It was so innocent that it hurt. The gestures were between the likes of two pre-teens who barely entered puberty and don't know what to do with the butterflies they feel or act on it. Otherwise the events that transpired and behavior of the characters seemed all well and good and gave me a sense of the pair. I can't help but wonder how normal their day was in comparison to the rest of their experiences. Althanas has always felt dangerous as so many authors write more action oriented events with combat and trials and such. By no means was your approach bad, but it does make me think about how the rest of their days are and how they address conflict.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

There were silly mechanical mistakes here and there, and I think I saw something to be questioned in every post. There weren't any major elements of technique, and the hinting at the red-eyed character actually fell flat in the end because it was left unanswered. All the same, the read was light, smooth, and clear. That's part of why I feel it's pretty accessible to a younger audience, albeit with some word choice that would be tweaked for that purpose. Nothing wild here.


Wildcard

This was a light and easy read to enter back into the workshop routine for myself. I still have a pretty simple perception of the two characters. I know Varin is a drakari (dragonborn from D&D as Phi mentions). I think Aynur is just human. Don't remember her hair color. I recall the blindfold plenty. Her aura-vision never really got an explanation, or why she was ruffled by the aura she saw (I assume she saw the same red-eyed creature from the start). But this felt like a very simple stick-figure kind of thread that tells you the story without bogging it down with too much depth that strains the brain.

Last couple of days to add your commentary! Since there was no warning then this will stay open until the tenth.

This thread is now closed for judging and will be dealt with asap.

Name of Thread: Workshop: Fair Weathered Days

Workshop rewards

Atzar recieves:
315 EXP
20 GP
3 AP

Jdd receives:
360 EXP
20 GP
2 AP

Sir Artemis receives:
675 EXP
20 GP
4 AP

All rewards have been added.

Sir Artemis' 33 AP has been converted into 3300 GP as requested.