Workshop: The Nature of Undeath

Name of Completed Thread: The Nature of Undeath
Name of Authors: Paladin_Lorenor
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 10 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: June 26th 2018 (Extended for training purposes)

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I think it’s fitting that this was the first Althanas thread I read when I arrived. This is my first workshop so take what I say with a grain of salt. I’m still learning how best to write myself. I don’t think anyone truly knows. There aren’t any rules which can’t be bent or broken for the sake of a story, a character or a message.

I’m going to begin with what I believe are the opportunities available here. Afterwards I’ll soften the blow with what I thought you did very well, okey doke?

The most significant tweak, in my opinion, to be made to this thread would be this; take the opportunities to refer to Lorenor as something more than Lorenor. There are many. He’s more than a name. He’s more than undead. He’s more than a fallen paladin, more than a sword. I read this thread and I still want to get to know him better. I want to understand him in depth. It’s important to keep looping back to naming the character for clarity, but the second, third, even the fourth time are chances to paint a picture of him or explain who he is in greater detail.

It’s a small, simple change but I don’t wish to understate the powerful, rippling effect this would have on the entire thread if you decided to try this. In the first post alone the name Lorenor was written fifteen times. I would keep four of these as Lorenor sprinkled throughout, to definitively remind the reader who is being referred to. The remaining eleven are chances to describe him for the reader, so they may indulge in the character. A few examples would help perhaps.

Quote:

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There were some workers gathering grain and herbs from the field who spotted Lorenor first.

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You could refresh the reader’s mind with description of him here, say, the wounded, filthy warrior. He was recently defeated and was currently crawling through the dirt. Hit these facts home. Create sympathy for those reading the story, sympathy for an undead. If you can achieve that, especially early, the reader will continue to read. They’ll care about him. They’ll keep reading just to be sure he recovers and turns out okay in the end.

Quote:

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A guard was looking right at him. "So...you're awake." The Guard said carefully.

Lorenor merely nodded.

---

In this instance you could refer to him simply as The prisoner, and any readers who have ever felt imprisoned in some way (which is nearly everyone) will be able to relate. Hit them with the sympathy-bat again. That said, everything in moderation. Overdoing it will make him seem miserable and weak, which isn’t true. There needs to be enough sympathy here for the readers to care, but not so much that they start to dismiss him as a lost cause.

There are other occasional errors like you’re which should be your, little mistakes like i instead of I, a frequent reliance on … which I don’t personally mind but others will. These are far less important and I’d rather not take away from my first suggestion.

Remember there are five senses to exploit. The easiest are sight and hearing which you hold an expertise over. Smell, touch and especially taste are much harder to weave into a thread. Successfully doing so pulls readers into your story and makes for a gripping page-turner. Especially in the last post the concentration is on sight, despite Lorenor holding what I imagine to be a cold, rough stone tablet. In spite of the crowd being present at the end we don’t know whether they’re noisy, causing a hubbub, or hushed, everyone huddled in nervous silence. Even if Lorenor would breathe in the surrounding air once in a while and taste something new on the wind, that would have a potent effect on the readers.

I believe it’s an excellent story. You’re generous with dialogue. You remember a smattering of thought-speech here and there, lines where the brooding paladin talks only to himself. These lines help lend some of that depth I was looking for. Very good mister.

You remember to paint a setting through half of the thread, though you do have some props which help convey mental images like the seeing shard and tablet fragment. In post five Lorenor takes a moment to stargaze, attempting to quell his fear. It was an excellent touch. Even a hint of fear reminds the reader the character isn’t perfect, isn’t invincible (which many undead characters and/or writers seem to feel they are), but instead highlights the protagonist’s bravery. He’s afraid. He still confronts his enemy. Bravery in the character encourages admiration in the reader. That’s what we want, readers to care about the character/s in different ways. As before with sympathy, too much bravery makes them look foolhardy but a balance was struck here. Well done.

One last concept to mull over. When all of Lorenor’s enemies have been defeated - when the events of the prophecy are each unravelled - what will be left over for him? Not a criticism. Something to ponder. Many forced to fight wish their life could be different. Even a simplistic dream of becoming a farmer or a fisherman in retirement would humanize him. You might think it funny, an undead fisherman, but undead were human once too and often yearn for human existence even more than we do.

Thank you so much for sharing your story Pav. I was happy to read it and share in return some Yvy-thoughts on the matter. Looking forward to your next chapter, yepyep. :o

This was an interesting read, so I thought I'd share my thoughts.



Story:


You picked a pretty good place to start the story, and raised enough questions early on to keep the reader interested. The first scene with the guard ended up being very convenient for Lorenor, however. You established that undead are normally shunned, but the guard is quick to trust this undead he's interrogating. He also assumed Lorenor had fought the black knight, even though Lorenor himself said he didn't know.

While I understand that it was required that Lorenor be released by the guard in the first post for the plot to continue, I didn't feel like he was very active in making that happen. He just got captured, a guard assumed he fought someone, believed his story without question, and decided to release an undead into the town. It would've felt more earned if Lorenor had needed to convince the guard he wasn't a threat.

The second post slowed down a bit, and had some decent lines in the first half. I think it worked well after the fast pace of the first post. The second half didn't really contribute much to the story, though. It seemed like it would, since the red-headed woman was probably the most thoroughly described person in the thread, but she never came back up again. Her only important line was 'He normally kills his victims,' and that could've been delivered by Will in the following post.

The first half of post three worked well, clarifying a few things and setting up some of Lorenor's mindset. I did have a few questions during the conversation with Will, however. I didn't understand why Lorenor thought the townsfolk would find out about his past. No one he had met up until that point knew anything about him. He could easily just not say anything, but he admits to Will he used to be a follower of N'jal, which is a terrible thing to do when you're already under suspicion for being undead.

You set up Urei early in post three, and remembered him again right after in post four, so with the black knight mentioning something familiar about Lorenor, the immediate assumption is that he is Urei. The fact that this is later revealed to not be the case was a nice surprise. Setting up false trails like this can go a long way toward making reveals surprising.

Conversely, having one of the black knight's followers ask him if he had the Orlouge blood was kind of out of left field, and obvious exposition. If the guy was actually curious, he would've already asked, since he's probably been working for the black knight for a while. The only thing the black knight did that might've prompted someone to ask him about his blood was have good hearing, and since the 'Orlouge blood' was never explained, I don't know if that's what he meant. It seems like a kinda contrived way to set up some foreshadowing that he is Lorenor's son.

Post five is where the pace picks back up, and some of the established questions get answered. As I mentioned before, the reveal of the black knight was nicely surprising thanks to the red-herring mentions of Urei. The established antagonist being revealed as an ally half-way through a thread is also pretty unconventional story structure. I think subverting reader's expectations is a great way to generate interest in a story, so in that regard this scene was excellent; I was eager to read more after that. Also, using the black knight's ability to look into Lorenor's soul is both attention-grabbing, and a good excuse to give us more information about him, even if it isn't really explained.

The next post was probably the most interesting of the thread. Also, the 'thousands of other Lorenors' thing seemed like a cheeky play on re-making the same character so many times, which I enjoyed. Overall, I think this scene was great. We learned about Lorenor, in a very interesting way, and got to see him and his son joining forces. That being said, there were a few things that I think could've made this scene better:


The black knight overcame his daddy issues surprisingly quickly. It kind of makes all of his earlier anger look silly, for him to not at least maintain a grudge. He instantly decided to help the man he wanted to kill find a new purpose in life, because the dude did a lot of cool shit. Lorenor even reabsorbs the part of himself that actually abandoned his son, and his son doesn't demand an explanation. Some more father-son drama could've made this reconciliation more believable.

Lorenor also overcame his loss of the 'light' surprisingly quickly. You do mention the pain, but it's over with so quick it's not very convincing. Lorenor having a stronger reaction to losing the light, and taking some time to understand that it was a shackle instead of understanding immediately, would've made that part of the scene much stronger as well. There's a general lack of Lorenor struggling in this thread.

Lorenor asking about his kid's armor, followed by lines like 'he knew he wouldn't be able to defeat his son,' make it sound like he still plans on fighting the black knight, even though the black knight has completely forgiven him. It's kind of a clashing tone, Lorenor's caution after his son's optimism and desire to assist his father. That also contradicts the reconciliation at the end of the post. Why does he need to know how to defeat his son if he's going to join him?

The happy father/son reunited vibe at the end of the post is also kind of spoiled by the fact that they completely ignore the reason Lorenor left his son in the first place. The son also instantly gets over a lifetime of anger and plotting to kill his father. Real-life reconciliations don't go over that smoothly, so it doesn't really feel genuine.


Even though you changed up the structure nicely for the first half of this thread, a betrayal from Stonevale was kind of predictable afterward, since there were no other characters for conflict to spring from. When changing antagonists mid-thread like this, it helps to set up a few different possibilities, so it doesn't seem as obvious.

The transition from the end of post six to the start of post seven was abrupt, but it was related to what they were just talking about, so it worked well. I think perhaps giving the reader time to watch Lorenor walk and think for a bit might've helped though. We're going from a climactic revelation, straight into a tense betrayal. Giving the reader some down-time in-between important events can help heighten the tension.

The reveal of William's betrayal was not foreshadowed enough, I believe. Readers don't like to be left out of the loop; they at least want a chance to figure it out. Since there were no hints, there's no 'aha' moment as the reader puts the pieces together, just confusion at this behavior that seems very out of character for how William was established. The line about Will's family dying because of Xem'Zund was supposed to be a surprising reveal, but it feels more like a ret-con, since the reader wasn't given the chance to suspect such a betrayal.

Will's motivations for this are also conflicting. His line 'But at what price?' implies that if Lorenor had returned without losing his paladin-hood, he would've been free from suspicion, but the later clarification that William had always hated undead clashes with that.

Other than those issues, post seven was decent, and had some good lines. The 'traded power for freedom' bit was pretty good; a cool call-back to a similar line from post three. I was also glad the black knight's helmet thing was expanded in this post, calling it 'his source of power;' the detail had piqued my curiosity. The voice in Lorenor's head was also an interesting development. The start of this thread was somewhat slow, but the latter half was just twist after twist. It was a very interesting read.

Post eight is entirely a stand-off, and perhaps a little slow for it, but we do learn more hints about Lorenor and this 'prophecy.' A few lines from the black knight threw me off, however. His thought that 'Stonevale is corrupted now' doesn't make a lot of sense. An already suspicious undead left to fight their enemy, and came back under suspicious circumstances. This is the level of caution Stonevale should've exhibited earlier.

The 'complication' the black knight mentions also seems odd. He says 'One side of his soul has become aware,' clearly referring to when Lorenor fused with part of his old self, but the black knight took that as a good thing when it happened. He remarked about how he recognized something in Lorenor's eyes, and optimistically promised to help him find new purpose. If that were actually a negative thing, some sign of that would've helped, some hesitation or body language to make it clear the black knight was only acting happy for his father.

I also find it strange that William isn't asking more questions of Lorenor. Lorenor is clearly not acting as though he was now an enemy of Stonevale, he even used non-lethal force in defending himself. These are not the actions of an enemy, but William ignores all of that, and keeps insisting the guards capture Lorenor. Lorenor even calls him an idiot for it. If the guy was this zealous about killing undead, he wouldn't have let Lorenor leave in the first place if he knew, and if the first guard suspected he'd want to kill Lorenor just for being undead, he wouldn't have told him now. Will either would've known the first time, or would never have known.

Now we come to post nine, and what is the biggest problem I have with this thread; the time-travel. From a story-structure perspective, it's a good climax, pretty damn unexpected and with some interesting mental imagery. However, I had several issues with the logic of the scene.

Why does the prophet have to reverse time? The line by the prophet 'What is relevant is you have a chance to set things right with your son,' makes it sound like he stopped time because of irreparable damage to their relationship, but they were getting along just fine; suspiciously fine even. The black knight was fine, and their relationship was fine, the only thing that changes is that now William Blake is still alive. There have been no hints that he has any significance, so why couldn't they just kill the guards, and leave?

Using that level of ability to save one person who has not been shown to be important to this 'prophecy' in the least doesn't make sense. Also, why didn't Lorenor just go with his son to talk to the prophet? They had already agreed to work together, and this prophecy is apparently pretty damn important, so I don't see why the prophet would just allow Lorenor to leave again, back into a city with a policy of killing undead.

I honestly think the ret-con time-travel hurt the story of this thread. The story would've made more sense if they just killed Will and the guards, and went to talk to the prophet. The scene of Lorenor coming back to a previously lost battle with the knowledge he needed to win was kind of cool, but it is overshadowed by all the questions involving time-travel it brings up. In general, time-travel is far more trouble than it's worth, and you have to think exceptionally hard to avoid plot-holes when using it. I might recommend avoiding it in the future unless it's for an airtight reason.

Ignoring the logic issues, the story structure of this thread is pretty good. It starts off quick with an interesting hook, and then slows down a bit for character development. The reveal of Lorenor's son was early, and thus surprising, though that did make the next twist more obvious.

The last half of the thread escalated through the William betrayal all the way up into the time-travel climax. The return to the beginning with new knowledge made for a decent scene, slowing down but still interesting, and finally Lorenor's real reunion with his son wrapped things up and brought the pace down to a rest. In terms of tension, conflict, and resolution, I think your timing for all these scenes was great.

I would've liked to see Lorenor struggle more convincing people, the Will betrayal be foreshadowed more, and the time-travel be for a more serious reason, but those are my only major issues; the rest of it was pretty solid. This was definitely a good story, and one that I enjoyed reading quite a bit.



Setting:


I'm sure you know, but this is probably your weakest category. You handle all the others pretty well, but are consistently light on description. This keeps your pacing high, but there were several points where I had a harder time imagining the scenes because of it.

The first post was very light on description, but a faster pace during the first post usually helps hook the reader. You did provide some description in the second post, though. The comparison between the jail building and Lorenor was decent. The red-head in the second post was described very well, more than anyone else in the thread. You don't really describe much else until later in the thread, though you do give us a few details, like the stars from post five.

The Will betrayal scene gave me the most issues. Since the setting was completely absent, I kept having to re-imagine where everyone was in relation to each-other, and that broke my immersion a fair bit. The only hint I got was that they were 'nearby' to each-other, but I didn't know if there were trees between them, buildings, or an open field. It's true the dialogue was the focus of that scene, but with that kind of high-stakes conflict, confusion about where everyone is ultimately hurts the scene.

The description of Will's severed head at the start of post nine was nicely vivid, though. You got more descriptive in that post, and it was the better for it. The scene in space with the prophet, and the re-hash of the first fight with the black knight; both had some nice details that helped them stick out as memorable scenes.

The only people that got any real description were the red-head from the beginning, and the prophet. I don't even know what Lorenor, the main character, looks like or is wearing after reading the entire thread. Even a few details can make any scene more vivid. Just try to build up a habit of mentioning one or two details about each person and place in a given scene; set up a check-list if you need to. It could really help the scenes feel more real, as well as avoid the kind of confusion I mentioned earlier. This is the kind of category that thrives on consistency.



Pacing:


Your pacing on the story level was pretty solid. You had a quick start, then slowed down, perhaps a little too much, before the dark knight reveal. The Will betrayal scene was two full posts of mostly stand-off, which is a bit long. I think having the stand-off turn into combat faster, along with the pause I mentioned earlier before the betrayal scene actually starts, might've payed off the tension better. The climax and resolution were both well-paced, though.

Your pacing on the paragraph level remains as quick as ever, perhaps a little too quick sometimes. There were several posts that were mostly thin, quick dialogue, followed by thick paragraphs. You do already blend the two most times, but some posts, like the latter halves of posts one and three, had somewhat stark contrasts in pacing. You're most of the way there, just be mindful of large chunks of dialogue. I think working on the setting category would also help balance this category out a bit.



Communication:


You're pretty good at dialogue. Despite the occasional odd wording and exposition, most of the lines you use feel natural. With only half a post, I thought how well Will and Lorenor got along seemed appropriate, for instance. There was really only one recurring thing I noticed, and that was the occasional out-of-place body language.

I like how often you use body language, it definitely helps add a new dimension to dialogue, but some of these examples weren't used in the normal way. That's not to say they have to be used that way, just that nearly everyone else uses them to mean a specific thing, so that is the thing most readers are going to expect it to mean. Here are some examples, and their usual meaning:


Both Lorenor and the guard in post two 'looked at the other for a long moment' before their initial lines. You use this one quite often. Those kinds of pauses are usually meant to show carefully chosen wording (due to uncertainty or caution), or to convey some unspoken meaning between characters. The first doesn't really fit the following lines, and I don't get any unspoken meaning between them, even if the guard did nod with 'an understanding look.' If that was meant to actually convey an unspoken meaning, it was not very clear what that meaning was supposed to be.

"Her eyes narrowed. "He normally kills his victims." - The eye-narrowing thing is usually used to imply suspicion, or realization, but neither fit the line. The same with Lorenor narrowing his eyes later on in the same post.

"Lorenor smiled at that point and shook his head. "Because it is the right thing to do." - Shaking one's head almost always means disagreement or dismissal, so it feels weird just before an honest answer to a question.

"given Sei Orlouge five years of his life...he’d been a stalwart" - Usually, ellipses (...) are used for hesitation, something the character doesn't want to admit, or something they had to think about first, but what follows is nothing really to hesitate about. If you just want a pause, periods are the neutral way to go.

”But at what price?” William suddenly asked." - 'Suddenly' strongly implies it breaks the flow of what came before, and is almost exclusively used after pauses and quiet moments, but this was directly after a line of dialogue with no mention of such a pause. This happens again at the end of the same post with this line - ”Enough talk!” William suddenly yelled."

"The prophet frowned for a moment. "You and your kind are not welcome in Stonevale." - Frowning in dialogue, especially pausing to frown, is almost always used to indicate an unwanted realization, like the character just thought of something troubling, but the line that follows is just obvious.



Action:


There wasn't much action in this thread, so I don't have a lot to say for this category. What was there worked well enough, but there was one thing I will note. Using exact terms like 'forty-five degree angle' as you do near the end of post seven don't usually add much, and sound dry and mechanical. Avoiding exact numbers in general when dealing with distances and angles can help fights flow a lot smoother, without all those specific descriptors to slow it down.



Persona:


Lorenor is developed fairly well in this thread, and early enough that the reader understands his motivations before they come into play. The lines at the end of the third post after Will introduces himself were quite good, for instance. With his willingness to talk, it seems obvious Lorenor is looking for some company, but I really like his last line of the post. Will talks about Lorenor finding his purpose, and Lorenor instantly promises to defeat the Black Knight, eager to prove useful to the village. Seeing that kind of vulnerability in characters is always endearing, and helps the reader root for them. Lorenor's voice changing after he merged was also a nice touch.

The black knight is less consistent, though. The main one was his daddy issues disappearing so easily, which I mentioned before, but a few of his lines were odd as well. ”I have to know the truth. You are not attacking folks for want of coin" This line from Lorenor in post five goes uncontested by the Black Knight, implying that he's not in it for greed. ”Father. I will halt the attacks...for now. The prophecy is far more important than greed.” This line from the following post however, makes it sound like he was in it for greed, especially the '...for now,' as though he's just waiting for all this to blow over so he can start robbing people again. Those were the only notable examples.

Also, I don't feel that Will was developed enough for his death to be very impactful. Lorenor and Will had literally half a post together. It was a good start, but not nearly enough to convince me Lorenor 'cared' about him, as mentioned by the black knight: "Takes a lot of guts to kill someone you care about like that... The black knight thought to himself." He doesn't even know about that. Lorenor never told him about William, and it was never mentioned that he saw it when in Lorenor's mind.

One thing I might recommend is to try to show emotions with body language, rather than telling with exposition. "Your eyes...they have a glow. But you seem sad somehow." Ignoring the unusual empathy for the undead, this could've been made clear more organically. Having Lorenor act sad or detached would make me feel more invested than simply having someone else say he looks sad. "Lorenor said with some visible sadness." - Lines like this also feel very plain. In case you're unsure, some of the usual body language you might use to convey this more subtlety are things such as: a quiet voice, downcast eyes, slumped shoulders, lethargy, sighs, etc.



Mechanics:

There were a number of typos, but it was mostly solid.

Quote:

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"At that same point, he passed as he began to hear panicked cries" - First Post, Third Paragraph - I assume you meant 'passed out.'

"We fought...and then i found himself crawling through the bushes" - Second Post, Ninth Paragraph - I assume you meant 'found myself.'

"Footsteps." - Post Three, Paragraph Seven - Incomplete sentence. Kind of unneccessary as well, since you say the same thing in the following sentence.

"My sword is not enchanted by I am powered by the light." - Post Three, Paragraph Sixteen - I assume you meant "enchanted, but I am"

"His hair was a particularly blond hair." - Post Four, Paragraph Fourteen - I assume you meant 'was particularly blond.'

"This will be the final test. The prophecy must be foretold." - Post Four, Paragraph Twenty-Two - I assume you meant 'fulfilled.'

"He is probably a sole survivor of that old guild." - Post Four, Paragraph Twenty-Four - I assume you meant 'the sole survivor.' 'A' means one of several.

"very late into the night as a matter of face where our story begins." - Post Five, Second Paragraph - I assume you meant 'matter of fact.'

"How is this possible…? Lorenor thoguht to himself" - Post Six, Paragraph One - Typo.

”I have to know how youro armour is so strong.” - Post Six, Paragraph Twenty-Six - Typo.

"He closed his eyes for a mometn and then reopened them" - Post Seven, Paragraph Five - Typo.

"Nearby" - Post Seven, Paragraph Twelve - Like before, one-word sentences are incomplete, and this one is also repeated by the line that follows it.

"It was something far more sinister. And it stared back at Lorenor from beyond." - Post Seven, Paragraph Twenty - Starting sentences with 'and' makes them incomplete. Either a comma, or semi-colon if you want a longer pause, can make them complete without losing the effect.

The last two paragraphs in post seven don't have a line between them, which I assume was an editing typo.

"His souls is fractured, just as you've said." - Post Eight, Paragraph Six - Typo.

"One one side of the field was the Holy Light." - Post Nine, Paragraph Three - I assume you meant 'On one side.'

"He shook his head. Then looked at the follows of the black knight" - Post Ten, Paragraph Thirteen - Typo, and the second sentence is incomplete without a subject. The two could be combined with a comma to fix that.

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Clarity:


There weren't any consistent issues, so I'll just give you my notes:

Quote:

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How does the Will know Lorenor's name when they first meet? He never gave it to anyone.

I wonder when exactly it became night-time in post five. I don't recall a time of day being mentioned before, but it seems like a jump for stars to already be out, even if it was dusk before. How many hours did he wander in the woods?

I'm confused as to how much the Black Knight knows about Lorenor. Lines like "The man my mother married" makes it seem like he was old enough to recognize Lorenor's old eyes before Lorenor left, but then Lorenor makes it sound like he left soon after the kid was born.

"Only that I have fulfilled the prophecy I was meant to.” - The Black Knight says this in post six, but the 'have fulfilled' is past-tense, implying that he just did it by helping his father. This is contradicted later of course, so rewording this to present-tense with 'Only that I fulfill...' would avoid that confusion.

I don't really understand how Will can tell Lorenor is no longer a paladin; he didn't mention any obvious signs or feelings/intuition of such when Lorenor first told him about it.

”We wait...” The Black Knight said and began to move." - Post Seven - This contradiction was amusing.

"William was running towards their position, when Lorneor suddenly attacked." - Post Eight - It is unclear whose position you mean. Since it was never stated, I had to assume William was right in front of Lorenor, so he wouldn't need to 'run' to get to 'their position,' but him leaving Lorenor and running toward the Black Knight makes less sense.

"What do you intend to do now?" The black knight asked." - Post Ten - He asked this question right after explaining what they were going to do, and Lorenor repeats what he said in different words.

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Technique:


Your style is very thin and quick, much like first person. This definitely keeps things moving so the reader doesn't get bored, but that fast pacing often misses out on some opportunities to let the reader digest what's happened. It can be tiring to continually take in new actions and dialogue. As I mentioned, I think you could kill two birds with one stone by focusing a little more on setting to slow that pacing a bit. I wouldn't recommend a total shift, I think your style does work best with quicker pacing, but a little bit would go a long way.

Other than that, I noticed you have a few favorite phrases; one in particular. The phrase 'at that point' was repeated a dozen times throughout this thread, and always in a way that wasn't really necessary. That phrase is usually used to announce unexpected events, but you tend to use it more as 'then this happened.' You also like to use 'he found himself' quite a bit, but that one works well enough. You use repetition to good effect several times, though.

The repetition of 'he didn't mind' in the fourth paragraph of post two was interesting. It sounded like he was trying to convince himself, though that doubt never came back up. In post eight, the repetition of "Why do you hesitate" first from the Black Knight, and then from William after the scene transition, was a good way to show the simultaneous nature of the two scenes. You make good use of callbacks like that. The line '...And something happened...' from the start of post nine was quite good. It was a good use of ellipses, an example of using fragments properly, and a pretty good line to start a post in general. You had quite a few good lines in this thread. You've already made great progress in the last few years, especially in mechanics, so definitely keep at it.



That covers my thoughts on this thread. Other than the time-travel thing, and a few missed opportunities, it was a pretty good story. I'm usually fairly good at predicting stories, but you managed to give me a couple of genuine surprises. I definitely enjoyed reading it. Hopefully some of my advice was helpful. Feel free to hit me up if you have any questions.

Just a quick note - this judgment/workshop is being extended because we are using it for training purposes. Big thanks to Lorenor for his patience and understanding.

Thanks to both of you for contributing!

Yvonne receives 200 EXP and 420 GP!

Ebivoulya receives 350 EXP and 420 GP!

Rewards added - thanks again!