Workshop: Black Wings

Name of Completed Thread: Black Wings
Name of Authors: Stare and Nevin
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 41 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 13th January 2018

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

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4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

This is going ot be short; Im recovering from dental surgery and will try to add more later

Story 7/10
Storytelling, setting, pacing

I really enjoyed the story and the way the characters interacted. I definitely noticed some tension between both Stare and Nevin as they tried to work out where each other stood. Stare had a really great way of setting the scenery without being too description heavy. Nevin; I felt the coloured texts weren't really needed in some of your posts and that you could have worked who was talking into your writing more than relying on separating who is who with different coloured text.

Aside from a few scenes which I felt could have been shortened down (it felt like a few things were dragged out) and the abrupt ending, (I know there is a second part but the thread seemed to have just stopped.) Pacing worked quite well.

Prose 4/10
Mechanics, clarity, and Technique
Mechanics worked well, and technique. Grammar and word use, scene setting, etc. were all great. I noticed no real errors on my initial read through. The issue her for me - is that you both seemed to have just cut up the thread into sections to post (which works, I do the same) but the issue is that a lot of Nevin's posts contain things from Stares point of view that he wouldn't know, and Vise versa. It was really jarring and I had to read multiple posts multiple times and it honestly ruined the overall flow of the thread for me. In future, I'd suggest if you are writing long threads like this, that when separating them ensuring that you avoid doing this. (I'm hypocritical I catch it happening in mine but try to nip it in the bud.) but it happened quite often with this one so much so that I really struggled to read it, which dropped the score quite a bit.

Character 9/10
Communication, Action, Persona
All the characters, their actions and reactions and how they settled and interacted with the environment and people around them were really well thought out. I felt they were all genuine and interesting and I enjoyed reading all the different dynamics and how well fleshed out even the smallest NPCs were.

Wildcard
Chocobos. I think I both love and hate that they are a thing here. haha!

This workshop is now closed, pending rewards.

Workshop Rewards: Black Wings

Amari receives (unfinished commentary):
2665 EXP
85 Gold
3 AP

All rewards have been added.