Workshop: A Lye for an Eye

What is the name of your thread?: A Lye for an Eye
Who participated in the thread?: Jake Narmolanya, Warpath
Number of Posts?: 17
Full Rubric Judgment?: Yes

Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP

Critique Guidelines:

1) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

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4) In order to receive EXP for your feedback, a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

I am still preparing my commentary, so I will contribute to this shortly. Please all feel free to review at your leisure in the meantime. Thank you.

Plot

Story

Jake: There is a good direction in your storytelling, with a well-versed narrative voice. The story makes sense, giving Jake reason for what he is doing, and an intention to an end. The story is gripping, interesting and works well as a stand-alone story, without the need for other reading. A steady story is written, with excitement enough. Ways to improve from here would be to slightly more balance the parts of peace with those of violence. Jake’s reasons for wanting to kill Lye were clear, though maybe more reflection on Amari would have added power.

Warpath: You write a strong story, which, similar to Jake, has purpose behind it, for every action. Your changes in perspective, such as that of Radek, works well to show what is happening elsewhere, and offer a fresh view of the tale. Changes in story that are not expected – such as the woman in post 9 taking her own life – keep up the excitement.


Setting

Jake: Opening can be difficult, but you weather this well, with a description of the weather, environment and atmosphere complete within the first few paragraphs. It is written well, with powerful language, and is continued to be focused on, although the overall impactful power that you initialise at the beginning of thread with is lost when getting to the warehouse where the fight takes place. You do not forget setting, especially when using the various portals, and remind the reader where these all lead to.

Warpath: The setting of where Flint is living, and the general scene of how he is living, the personalities that are around him is set out clearly and cleverly from the beginning, and continue to be mentioned throughout the thread. The steampunk style technology carries a powerful atmosphere. You describe the mines with finesse, and add atmospheric tone, such as the dwarves singing in post 17 (Snow White vibes). One way to continue improving is adding further technical language.

Pacing

Jake: Post one opens with a good, steady pace, explaining the story neither in too many nor too few words. Too much more experimenting may end up messy, and so you have a good balance. There is good rise in tension when the fighting begins. In some ways there could be more of a pause before the fight in the warehouse, but this is just a minor issue. Mostly very good here. One thing that I have noticed is that you use a lot of short paragraphs, which speeds up the reading pace. This works well for the meat of the action (posts 3 and 11 for example) but can cause issue in the flow for description.

Warpath: Your use of differences in paragraphing lengths and sentence types helps to carry pacing effectively. You have consistency as a technique nearly perfected. Pacing is also carried well by action, and you let things clearly flow. The only small complaint would be that some of the posts are extremely small when compared to others (13 and 14) that can jar the flow of reading. However, very well done overall.

Character

Communication

Jake: You write a good, consistent voice for your character, that shows the emotion through his words, and meaning. There is some wonderful technique also, and there is a clear difference between the way Jake speaks and others speak.

Warpath: Strong and determined is what comes to mind when Flint speaks, that convey his personality. Use of foreign words that are individual to some degree to him, such as, “verboten” help to build your character. His speech is short and to the point. Areas to advance from here is developing more of a speech for characters such as Radek.

Action

Jake: Balancing speaking during a fight scene can be challenging, but you manage this well in post 3, not letting one get ahead of the other. Your use of technical language here helps to portray the idea of a warrior who knows how to fight. The changes of actions to go with what is being spoken about (fighting, meditating etc) is effective. Jake's actions all have purpose, even though they do not need to, and go from small to large. Use of small, more habitual actions maybe something to consider in terms of increasing Jake's sense of character, but not strictly necessary.

Warpath: You have the art of the subtle action down well, using it to carry character for you. This can be seen in post 4 with, “sent it rolling - slowly - across the countertop toward Sheila,” and though this is Radek in the scene, rather than Flint, it is nevertheless effective in storytelling. Larger actions, from use of chains and cannonballs in training, to the ability to order twenty riflemen in complete loyalty helps to convey character.

Persona

Jake: Jake is strangely adorable in periods when exploring himself, with descrptions of his actions such as, “with great care” (post 8) excelling his persona purposefully. He is also, however, clearly loyal, strong and powerful. Though perhaps more internal thought would have helped to build his character overall, there was enough of his persona in the meat of the thread to build up a clear personality.

Warpath: Persona can be seen in some subtle sides of Flint, in his thoughtful scenarios of post 7 and his general feelings. Inclusion of other characters that are important to him help to convey his character well – and though you did not become overwhelmed in this, it can be easy to. Little details in the text, such as, “My city.” are brilliant.

Writing

Mechanics

Jake: There is a spelling error in post 3: “specialty” that should be “speciality,” and further mistakes with, “your are” instead of “you are.” Sentence structure, however is all correct, and you make good use of commas to advance the meaning in your paragraphs.

Warpath: You have some really great use of punctuation that makes a point and assists with pacing – one example is post one with the use of colons to create setting. One moment where punctuation could be said to be missing is in post 2 with, “... she’d been a Salvic noble tortured, starved... ” where a comma between 'noble' and 'tortured' would have helped. Spelling had no clear mistakes, and aside from the minor issues of a possible few extra commas you were strong in this area.

Clarity

Jake: Things were more or less clear, with direction of where you wanted the story to go. It was not too transparent, with still many of excitements around each corner. Repeated references show that you are not forgetting your story (“torture” in post 8). It took a post length to explain what the contraption was from post 11 to 12, but this can be said to build suspense for the object.

Warpath: You have a well built and thought out storyline, with three main characters to balance, and these are balanced well. Once or twice I needed to read back to understand the subtler details of Flint's plan as he spoke them, but the map helped here also.

Technique

Jake: From the beginning you have excellent use of technique, from imagery to metaphor: “beat an angry tempo” in post 1. Use of thematically appropriate language within your myriad similes is always good to see (post 3, “as if it were made of adamantine”). There is consistency also and clarity when you remind the reader repetively what Jake has sacrificed to gain the knowledge - namely his eye. This could be said to show how far Jake is willing to go.

Warpath: Particular descriptions such as, “homemade self-torture machines” are clever and well-placed. I particuarly like the use of metaphors that you have in this, such as in post 7 with, “a violin string plucked ...”. If I was going to make a really over compensating complaint, it would be that you refer to heartbeats a lot. However, there are far more strengths than weaknesses in your writing, with some good alliteration (“crunching, crumbling” in post 13, which reflects the sound of cracking bones).

Wildcard

Together: Story-wise, with the inclusion of this presuming in the Killing of Lye arc, you have brought about a powerful introduction answering the questions of how they get to the Seventh Sanctum, how they know about it, and why for all.

This workshop had now been closed.
Thank you all for participating.