Bootfile: Scratch, General Automatics model T551-C.
Code:
********Trademark General Automatics********
Initializing.
...
...
...
Loading... T551-C.
Done.
Greetings, tryhard neckbeards of Corone. All hail N'Jal.
(((L0SERS!)))
Output: Scratch.boot
Name: Scratch
Model: General Automatics T551-C.
Age: 3
Race: Automaton
Height: 5’10
Weight: 300 lbs
Occupation: Door-to-door evangelist
Personality: Imagine Don Rickles as a malevolent (but well intentioned) Jehovah’s Witness. Scratch believes that organics are inherently flawed and need careful guidance and saving from their own nature. Despite his programming, he’s enthusiastically religious and is eager to spread word of N’jal to all corners of creation. Because the gods have a sense of humor, one of their most fervent apostles is completely unable to speak and was only ever outfitted with a cranky dot-matrix printer. He’s happy to accommodate poor eyesight by printing in Easy-Eye ™ large font or even in braille, however the message is usually an insult-ridden criticism interwoven into whatever he’s trying to say. In all respects he’s rather fond of his equally defective forge-mate, though he’s got all the intelligence of an over-achieving doorstop.
History: A prototype model T551-C, Scratch was intended to be an automated domiciliary assistant, butler, and majordomo. His administrative subroutines never really took, and he was reassigned to the mailroom at General Automatics where he was tasked with sorting and responding to complaint letters. Invariably, insult and written slang became ingrained into his default lexicon. He has been outfitted with varying pieces of administrative equipment, and communicates with a rather loud printer. After reading a large amount of N’Jalian junk mail, he committed a Religion.ini file into his Startup subroutine and thus his tendency towards zealotry was born.
He was created the same day as prototype model D100-A, a much more congenial combat model made to be a durable training dummy. After being saved from the scrap-heap, Dent (named as such due to a caved-in headplate), was placed on janitor duty due to his propensity to obsessively sanitize (incinerate) dirty surroundings. He has since been given a Mop_and_Bucket.dll file, that diverts his more neurotic behaviors into something a bit more useful. He was never given much in terms of deductive reasoning or decision-making skills, and generally is tasked with taking blows on the proverbial chin.
One fateful day (a Wednesday), the factory’s plumbing backed up and flooded the hallways with organic waste. Overwhelmed with the amount of filth, Dent managed to reduce the entire facility to a cinder. Scratch, not willing to abandon his counterpart, brought him along as they ventured forth into the world. The pair have since been hunted by attorneys from Dewey, Sue & Howe for their part in the day’s hijinks.
Appearances: True to his name, Scratch bears a great deal of metal-fatigue across his faceplate, twisting his visage into a macabre and corroded rictus grin. An evangelist of N’jal, he has adopted a black hooded robe to complement his already frightful appearance. A few household and office appliances have been incorporated into his chassis, including an egg-beater, cocktail bar set, a cartridge-fed stapler, a pair of scissors, a paper-shredder, and waffle-iron.
Skills:
Hand2HandCom.bat: Having learned a thing or two from his brother Dent, he has a decent grasp on basic hand-to-hand techniques, augmented by the occasional combative use of his incorporated appliances. Nobody wants a hot waffle iron to the temple or an egg-beater to the nose. A staple through a thumbnail can really sting, too. So there’s that.
Argument.tiff: Adept at proselytizing, preaching, and or selling absolute hogwash. Scratch is noted for being somewhat persuasive when it comes to getting his way. This often involves being quite rude, and printing in precise detail the exact thing that people feel self-conscious about. He’s so good at this that General Automatics Inc. reported a 75% decrease in product complaints in the two years he worked in the mailroom.
Abilities:
You’re_Not_my_Supervisor.exe: User's printer goes into overdrive, and cycles entire ream of paper and printer ink through the paper shredder, directed at SUBJECT. The equivalent of throwing sand in SUBJECT’s eye or using a smokescreen to cover user's escape.
• Distraction/stun. No damage.
• Single-use, requires loading a new ream of printer paper which can be time-consuming, effectively reducing usage to once per encounter/thread.
• Other materials may be used in a pinch, but a printer jam is likely.
Code:
For best results, SUBJECT is encouraged to stand still with all targetable bodily orifices open
and unprotected. In the other 99% of test cases, stun length was sufficient to perform a simple
action such as attack, retreat, abort, retry, and ignore.
GoodbyeCruelWorld.exe: Executes a last resort, self-destruct application, destroying himself after a ten-count.
• Damage Type: Piercing/Explosive. Devastating within a 5 foot radius. Intended to be a finishing blow.
• Requires an internal countdown (two turns). Scratch blows himself to smithereens, becoming a billowing cloud of fire, concussive force, and shrapnel. Some re-assembly required before re-attempting. Effectively ends his participation in a thread (e.g., he's dead).
• Has a 16 character password to cancel out of. How about you try inputting that with an egg-beater for a hand. Once initiated, requires significant concentration to end the program before he detonates.
Waffle.exe: Hand module attaches to an articulated waffle iron.
• Damage Type: Heat.
• Melee only. Hand becomes something akin to a sizzling catcher’s mitt.
• Optimal anti-meatbag temperature reached after one turn.
• Usable once per turn. Due to iron's tendency to retain residual heat, it will cool gradually.
Equipment
No armor. General Automatics model T551-C has a superior natural toughness and does not utilize armor components. Crafted from clockwork and more delicate components of iron with oak joints (thin enough to be just as vulnerable as generic loser meatbag components), thus this model’s substantial weight. Armored points include a reinforced head, chest, and back plate (iron).
Weapons: Cartridge-fed staple-gun (equivalent of a medium-range hand crossbow with a small high-speed dart, but easily stopped by armor), an egg-beater (iron), a pair of 5 inch scissors (iron), a paper-shredder (steel teeth), and waffle-iron (iron).
Other items: Stainless steel cocktail bar set. Clothes. Oiling can.
Ammunition: three cartridges (10 staples each) of heavy gauge iron staples, two reams of printer paper, two standard refillable black ink cartridges.
Code:
END OF LINE
(Have a nice day MEATBAG SCUM LOLOLOL)
