Workshop: Child

Name of Completed thread: Child
Name of Authors: Philomel
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 25 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 20th October 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Plot

Setting is easily the strongest aspect of your writing. You do well to give me a consistent, clear mental of image of the world around you throughout the entire thread. On the other hand, pacing was a weakness. I felt that the story moved on very slowly until post 20, and then suddenly things start happening quickly – more happened in the last 20% of the thread than in the first 80%. The last post felt very rushed, as if you were ready to hit ‘submit’ already. Buraha was already introduced so late that he felt a bit like an afterthought; then, you wrote him out with a single line. I also would have appreciated a little more effort in the closure of the Phi-Sakura relationship. You introduced a lot of implicit backstory and tension between the two, but never used it for anything.


Character

Sakura was a highlight of the thread - the steadfast, honorable woman who becomes offended when the trust is not a two-way street. It was a shame that you left the end of their relationship at “Here’s some money. Deliver my baby and GTFO.” You gave yourself enough ammunition to make that a very powerful scene, but never used it.

I appreciate the fact that all your characters have clear motives that drive their actions. Specifically, I always appreciate an antagonist who has realistic, understandable motives for acting the way he does. While Buraha’s time in the thread was brief, he introduced a much-needed element of conflict and also served to bring Akashima to life as the representative of a populace who have had enough.


Prose

Good, clear storytelling. On the other hand, your mechanics could use a lot of cleaning up. You make a lot of spelling errors that make me think you were either rushing or just weren’t trying. You have occasional issues with sentence structure, both on the short side (with fragments) and the long side (with run-ons). At certain points you use fragments as a stylistic tool, and that’s fine with me; for example, from post 18: “A private beach. A private farm. A private world in which to bring a baby to life.” But at other points, it adds nothing to the thread, as in post 15: “Philomel shrugged. And offered no further information.” The second sentence is a fragment; to fix it, simply add it to the first sentence.

This thread will be left open for a further week for people to get last comments in.

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

Though I don't know much of your work I rather enjoyed the premise of this narrative. The introduction created a compelling reason for the rest of the lengthy story to unfold and gave me an idea of why this was all happening. It made the follow through feel much more purposeful and enjoyable in that respect, as it gave me a reason to see this through. The setting, as Atzar mentioned, was present throughout the way and neither its absence nor its overabundance disrupted my experience, which was nice. It felt exactly as it should. My only criticism is that at times, the jumps between scenes and events was a touch rattling, though not terribly so.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

I think one of the neatest elements of your narrative was the uniqueness of the participants. From your BFF, to mother, to the geisha, and Mr. Mushi, and of course Phi herself - they all had a distinct voice and identity that I could pick out, and at the very least, archetype. That's actually a rather helpful tool as a reader since this is such a brief story that I have to do my part in filling in the gaps as a reader. This generally made the story feel like it made a good deal of sense, and the unfolding of the events fit as well. I will say there were a few actions that fit a bit less... accurate. For example, I still am not exactly certain about the inclusion of the rioter that traveled to follow, and his intentions. I also squinted a bit at her jumping out a window 7.5 months pregnant. But generally speaking, I had no real issue.

Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

As Atzar mentioned, and as I discussed with you, this was quite littered with error. As that wasn't your focus at all, I'll pass on the particulars. Overall the clarity was there, and the only gaps were from the pacing issue mentioned above. There were a few dips of technique to give this a bit of flavor as well, but nothing too tricksy (Golum voice from LOTR).

Wildcard

This was actually a rather enjoyable read quite honestly. I think you have great imagination and vision, and a gift for storytelling. I look forward to our campaign, as the voice won't include typos. ;)

This workshop is now closed. Results will be up shortly.

Workshop Rewards: Child

Rewards:

Atzar receives:
875 EXP
50 GP
3 AP

Sir Artemis receives:
1875 EXP
50 GP
4 AP


Thanks everyone for commenting on this one! I knew this was one of my weaker threads but wanted to know to what people thought of it. Really helps and great feedback.

All rewards have been added.