Workshop: What it means to be a God (I)

Name of Completed Thread: What it means to be a God (I)
Name of Authors: Eteri and Nevin
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 10 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 8th February 2018

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Since no one has posted commentary yet, this workshop will be extended until February 8th 2018.

Plot:

I am going to start with setting here. I thought it was simply and finely laid out at the start but very vague throughout. I felt that I knew where the place was and some of what was going on around due to the scenes in the church for instance, but only a surface portion. There was lots of missed opportunities here, where you could have added lots of small details, such as sound, smell of the incense etc. I did like what you wrote but would have liked to see more.

I had an advantage in this thread that I had previously read the one about Stefan and his Gallery, so knew exactly what was being mentioned when you spoke of the art show and so on. Inliked these little details. However, for those who did not know, a general run down of what had previously happened. Then they could get a lot of the comments and mentions. I was confused as to how all those people were now in the crimson church, that was not really exolained, nor really why the woman in the shop had a specific outfit for a shrine maiden (surely very specialist, yet Eteri found it very easy). Also with this woman there was uncertainty as to why she was so familiar with Nevin and the Crimson church. One strength though plot wise was the development of the idea around using Nevin's life force, and this sort of links to the idea of his godhood that is also explored in this thread. From the opening post to post 2, where he is looked at as being a Messiah to later on when he hears prayers it is fairly deep and intense in terms of story. I would have liked a more impactful ending, perhaps, but know this is more as a chapter in a long series of tales.

Overall I did like the development here though of the relationship between Nevin and Eteri. As far as story and plot went for that it was good. In general both of you can respond better in terms of pace together - Tiffany I think this is more a problem you seem to face when writing. Try to let things develop slower, put in more description. You can write better - Massacre Girls is proof of this.

One gets the sense of how busy being a god could become in this thread, with the amount of prayers etc that Nevin has to deal with. This will be an interesting thing to see more of as time goes on in future threads.

Character:

For both of you character was done to a fair degree here, with some development, especially between your characters. I know that you write your posts together on a Google Doc and so I will address this section more or less as one.

Strengths lay here in dialogue, that was bold and strong and had some hidden depths, such as words that could mean more than one thing. For instance post 5 has "sex crazed pet" which goes a little into the early sexual relationship of Nevin and Eteri. There is great work done when they are discussing her life and how they can prolong it. It was touching that Nevin was willing to use his own life force for her.

The development of the theme of prayer worked well also, going from just Eteri to more. This is part of plot also but helped hugely to impact and develop your characters. Parts such as the prophectic like visions Eteri (post 6: '“Nevin… Eteri see before. Is where red man fights in dreams.”') and how Nevin approaches the church people in the same post are powerful. Action is also used well here.

Post 6 also has some interesting reaction to Nevin not wanting to be a god: 'My lord. I pray you forgive me for not realizing your true status before. I am but a simple man, unworthy of being in- Nevin’s head was ringing with the man’s voice. But the man's lips did not move. Nevin snapped his fingers sharply, drawing the man’s attention away from his - his prayer.' I would say this is one of your strongest examples of characteristisation that has been in any Eteri and Nevin thread and shows clear development. In some way Eteri though takes a back seat in some of this and I would like to see her take more of a place. Yes she is a priestess but this story did seem very much a Nevin thread punctuated by Eteri's guidance. She does have a hand in guiding the plot though, perhaps just consider more of a place for her in the grand scheme of things. In this I am saying her own place, not just as Nevin's priestess but as her own being with her own story.

Writing:

I have pointed out the points here with use of post places.

Post 3:

“I always ah thought maybe you’d feel it but not hear it...that’s...that’s embarrassing and personal and…”
Inconsistent with the rest of her broken common speech. Need to have it all in one tone or not. Likely just a mistake. I do like how Eteri's speech has been getting slowly better, though, over the time of threads.

Post 4:

Spelling mistake: “Oh...split dye..is why only one part hair red.” Should be spilt not split. This is a common thing that is present in this thread and a simple proof read can help here.

'A large coil of threads wrapped around her waist, and dragged her off the feet and into the bathroom.' - this seems unreasonably violent for what it should be. Consider using different word choice such as 'a small coil' and 'gently tugged' instead of 'dragged'. The word choice used makes it seem violent and thus out of place for this thread.

Post 7:

'Wise words? I think this guy was …. Not knowing what he was getting himself into. My words were never wise. They were barely coherent. Instead of telling him this I gave him a small nod.'

Great example of persona here for Nevin. There is some also for Eteri in this post too. There was some great moments of excellent word use that I found as well as some deep moments of connection between the two. Some use of simile could be found as well as general extended imagery of the crimson plane that worked brilliantly.

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How to improve in general:

Overall you have some good writing. But sometimes your pacing does seem to leave good technique behind. Clarity speaking, you sometimes slip up also here, for example I was confused a little at the start with getting the dress and what exactly Eteri was doing to make the shrine. More description and heavier detail could definitely help. Try to use a variety of sentence lengths and so on. Also a further depth of linguistic technique would definitely help - perhaps some personification of the church as an entity?

This workshop is now closed pending rewards.

Philomel gains 650 EXP, 20 GP and 4 AP.

All rewards added, thanks to Philoeml for her contribution!