Workshop: Knowledge Rotten

Name of Completed Thread: Knowledge Rotten
Name of Authors: FennWenn
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 9 posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 20th October 2017

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I will come back to this but also wanted to just slap this down for my own reference so I can do a good compare and contrast.

http://www.althanas.com/oldworld/showthread.php?32147




Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

So for this part, I tried to compare to what I wrote the prior time, and I think in many ways that not too much has changed, though admittedly from my dim memory I do think there was improvement here. The pacing seemed to go a bit more slowly and last throughout the thread, but I do think that the entire "scene" (arriving at the house, exploring, fleeing) did feel like it was very quick. Not inherently a bad thing, but did again leave something to be desired with respect to emotional investment. Adding more on the ends may have added to it. A preface even in one post perhaps. I think you did improve on the exploration of the house and you did change some elements, which I think worked well.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

So you did make improvements on Daugi, which I appreciated, which left me with a better sense of both characters than I had my first time around. I do still miss out on some of the background of Daugi and their history but there's enough to know that they do have an important bond. However, one thing that I noticed that was new that made me go batshit is that Fenn is about thirty years old. I have beef with this. Serious beef. Even if in terms of his kind he is considered a teenager, thirty years is thirty years. That doesn't detract from a certain level of emotional and mental development and experience. Sure, we could chalk some of it up to anatomy, but Fenn's behavior (and the narrative) do not at all reflect his real age and it leaves me super rattled. I know you, as an author and person, give off an aura that similarly reflects a younger and more innocent vibe than age might necessitate, but I assure you, as someone who is almost thirty, Fenn needs to behave and think in a more refined and mature way (in my humble opinion). If not, the 30 seems a stretch even if he LOOKS 8. Looks. But you can look 8 and have lived a long ass time and be jaded and more mature and experienced and less.... less Fenn.

Fenn is thirty. Wut.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

• Keep in mind the difference between a semi-colon and a colon. For example "The source of it; thick tomes and curling stacks of paper." In this instance, I think it would be better to use a colon or a hyphen.
• I don't know what "Omhym" nest is.
• Judgmental, not judgemental
• "if even if"
• You capitalize Fae, but it should not be. It is not a pronoun. You don't say Human, you say human.
• you put the comma after the quotations by the word circumstances, which is inconsistent with the style you've opted for.
• For clarity, when you say "This is the mansion you spoke of," isn't Fenn a mute? So. How did he speak of it?
• You say "besides him" when it should be "beside him"
• You say elfin woman. Elven?
• "An distorted" - you use an only before a vowel.
• After a thread is posted and done, do a final ctrl+ f for any [ or ] so you don't have any unclosed tags
• "Fenn smile as he" - smiled
• each gasp of water from downstairs - what?
• the sound became very, very wrong. They -- you go from singular (sound) to plural (they)
• Fenn grip on the -- Fenn's
• it dropped to the knotty floorboards and hunched over -- Fenn is hunching over, not it, not the manuscript. Subject agreement
• he did not react out to her -- reach
• Naught but twitch and bleeding -- twitching and bleeding
• a foreign consciousness tried to worm their way -- again, subject agreement. singular consciousness, plural their
• this was not this same hall she had walked through before - not the same rather than this
• her air stood on end -- hair
• "Its tendrils had a grisly stretch to them similar bare tendon and muscle fiber, tapered and gaping at the ends like an eel's mouth." -- first, similar TO -- second, I think this imagery will be lost on most, and may be overkill
• Much as one would stare a cockroach -- at a
• clicks that cause her to wince - casued
• Daugi smashed into side table - into a side table? the side table?
• still in once piece - one piece
• Silence rang loud in Fenn's ear -- just one ear?

Wildcard

This is where I talk about how I feel, and you may deem my feelings irrelevant. The first is, I don't think it was worth revising this and posting again. The reason is because though you changed the outfit the story wore, you couldn't change its fundamental anatomical design. Though you made improvements, it didn't shift the outcome dramatically. And most of all, the length of my mechanics edits left me severely disappointed. If you are going to revisit a thread, even with changes, I would want and expect great care in fixing the issues of mechanics and clarity. Subject agreement. Missing words. Wrong words. Spelling issues. It is just too much and, for a second go, I don't think should happen. Whereas there was certainly enough changed to constitute new errors being created, I would have wanted you to give it a much more in depth scrub all the same. The bookends of the story were still the same so the filling of the sandwich couldn't change too much, since the position of the slices didn't move too much either. So where I did notice changes to the narrative, and did think it was overall better, I would have encouraged you to take the lessons and go create new things with those lessons in mind rather than to revise. Revision is far more difficult to get right on a large scale because fixing a story just... creates bumps.

I hope this was helpful. Please message me if you want anything further.

OK, so first one of these I'm doing, hopefully it isn't too terrible. Wait that's already coming out weird.

So. Hi Fennwenn, I thoroughly enjoyed your thread. Just wanted to get that up here first. Now then, on to the review/critique/comments section/peanut gallery:

Post 1

Alright, so something was bothering me about this post the first time through that I read it, but I couldn't quite place what it was. Everything made sense and was setting up the scene nicely for a juxtaposing entry into a horror situation. Glancing at it a second time I figured it out though:

The cart driver, if curious about this, feels like she waited too long to ask. Instead of having her entire (one-sided) conversation happen after Fenn and Daugi (and I straight up love that name) have already gotten off of her cart and walking away, maybe she could have been asking him some of these questions as they were coming up to the mansion, but before they actually stopped? As it is, it works well for a narrative explanation of the environment, but it feels a bit hollow in terms of the npc interaction. And even then it is mostly just a matter of pacing when she is talking at Fenn - maybe this could lead to him trying to ‘talk’ back at her with his hand signs and her not understanding, but that's really just extraneous. Other than that pacing issue, this was a strong introduction.

Post 2:
Another solid post with good flow. For the majority of it nothing is wrong - a few odd word choices and grammatical hiccups for the most part are the only things that bothered me here, and some of that might just be regional differences. Piece by piece feels wrong, like he's looking at the very boards of the house, and might be better served by room by room maybe? But as I said, that could just be a regional variation.

One part did jump out at me as disjointed though when I was reading through it a second time:
“Fenn crouched by the bed, lifting up the covers to peer underneath. No stone could be left unturned, no reach unexplored, no door unopened. That manuscript could be anywhere. The dark underneath the mattress unnerved him. There was a skittering sound, like a small animal moving about on spindly legs. A shudder ran through the small Fae. All the same, not really knowing what he was or what he could do was unnerving him a lot more these days. None of his excursions into the frozen wastes of Salvar had given him any insight into his kind. The lack of understanding about his heritage caused complications. Fae were very different from the other races. He didn’t understand how his magic was supposed to work, he wasn’t sure how -- if even if -- he would grow up, and he was just dying to know if they were all voiceless, or if that was his own flaw entirely.”

This paragraph feels awkward and clunky, and doesn't flow anywhere near as smoothly as the majority of the thread. It feels like two wildly different thoughts occurred here in one paragraph, and could have instead been separated out into two or maybe even three paragraphs - one addressing the topic of Fenn starting his search, one that talked about under the bed, and one that talked about his lack of understanding of his heritage. As it is now, it feels a it rushed, like thoughts ran together unchecked.

The rest of the post is well done, but I have to ask - what happened to the spider after Daugi came in the room? It isn't mentioned again despite the fact that it was trying to get out from under the old quilt. What happened to poor spidermom whose eggs got squashed and chilled? Justice for spidermoms!

Post 3:
AND BEGIN THE HORROR.
That feels like it should be at the top of this post, because Hoo boy thing take a drastic shift in this post. We go from kid exploring spooky abandoned mansion that he has been warned away from, to “no for real, bad juju went down here.”

So the leading up allusions are well done, and subtle on the first read through as to not stand out overly much. The theme of salt and cold being inimical to the fungi is well established by the time it becomes important, and that is a beautiful touch to accomplish.

My main ‘problem’ with this post is mostly that the realization of the fungi in the eyesockets seems kind of an afterthought. Nothing draws his attention to them that is mentioned (no talk of a movement in the dark drawing his gaze, or the head suddenly rolling towards him) so it feels a little wonky that “oh yeah there's a skeleton, she looks like she was hiding, and oh hey she's got mushrooms where her eyes should be.” Not bad per se, and not a real problem, but just something to think about in the future.

Post 4:
On my first read through, this post felt the weakest to me, and even then it was mostly just word choice that bothered me. The real things that got stuck in my craw for some reason were “if it weren't for all the books”- I feel that this should be “if it wasn't” instead - you're referring not to the books themselves, but rather the selection of books, the collection, which is a singular entity rather than a plurality. That feels a bit like nitpicking though, since it could be argued that you're referring to the books directly, and not the collection. The next thing was “his squirming gag reflex” - I don't know why exactly, but squirming feels wrong, and out of place, like another word would have suited it better. That goes back to region differences though, that might be a common turn of phrase where you live.

This next thing, and I know it's nitpicking but blame teaching classes: book titles should be underlined. I know, it's stupid and it's small, so take it for what it is worth, which is just black pixels on a screen if you disagree.

A second read through comment: it might be interesting to start having very, very mild synesthaesia start when the sound is first heard at the end of this post? It becomes a major issue for him later, so maybe teasing at it here would not have gone amiss?

Post 5:
Primarily in this post, I feel like using ‘twitched’ and ‘twitchy’ instead of ‘itched’ and ‘itchy’ is what you meant to do? Or maybe this is regionalities rearing their head again. Overall a strong post that builds nicely to what is coming.

Post 6:
Again I feel like early hints of the synesthaesia that is about to play a huge role might do well here, but I can understand if you're saving it for the end of this post. That aside, holy guacamole this post cranks the eldritch dial to ten. Sentient, hungry fungi is disturbing enough, and the concept of it being… Aggressively synesthaesic is terrifying, because that implies mental assault. But that's not reviewing the writing - and I am not going to, because this is a strong post, well written and paced, that does exactly what it sets out to do in my opinion.

Post 7:
Daugi is good Daugi who deserves many treats for her protection of her boy. Ahem. The shift in sentence flow, though mild, feels well suited to the fact that we are essentially focusing on a different character from the previous posts. If this was unintentional, keep it up and consider how to more seriously incorporate it, because it works well in this situation. Moving on from another strong post.

Post 8:
Eldritch nastiness and defending dog. There is a well-captured sense of futility here in Daugi’s actions, as she tries to defend Fenn and fails. It also shows her intelligence - when she realizes that even with Fenn’s unconscious magic they cannot fight this thing, she flees, and chooses the best route, despite the fact that it could hurt her greatly. Futility and desperation are showcased in this post, and done well.

Post 9:
I feel like the word ‘he’ needs to be capitalized in here a few times, because it's following after his questions. Even though you're placing them not as quoted sentences, they -are- his method of speech, so the same kinds of considerations need to apply I think. I didn't notice this being much of a problem in the other posts, so maybe this was just slip up because you were ready to be done.


Alright. Overall, this is a well written story arc, that reminds me if something though I cannot quite place it. It flows smoothly, though at times a bit disjointed since we seem to get Fenn’s thoughts mixed in with observations of the environment or what's happening - almost like you're trying to decide if you want to write in first person or third, but can't decide which. I do feel like differentiating what is actually Fenn’s thoughts from the main flow of the piece (normally accomplished by italicizing, maybe you could use underlining, or switch to underlining for his hand signs and italics for thoughts, whatever works) would help clean this up a little.

But overall the critique is low, as the quality of the arc is high. Good work!

A little later than I anticipated on this. Sorry; some things came up.

Plot

This was a simple story: Fenn visits a cursed house to find a book, encountering some trouble along the way. And you told it well. Your command of the setting was terrific, and I love the imagery you used to bring this creepy, foreboding place to life.

Your pacing is appropriate for the story – well done, though I do think the quick nature of the thread works against you in other places, such as…

Character

…here. The story comes and goes so fast that you don’t give me a chance to get a feel for your characters. This is mostly because there are few dynamic agents present here: Fenn, Daugi, and a hostile environment. Fenn has a personality and you do well to explain his interest in this place, but I’d like you to go a little deeper. Introduce some more agents that impact the story, and show me who Fenn is by presenting him with some internal conflicts and forcing him to make choices: this or that? Why? Situations like this are great because they show the reader what the character values, which is a deeper form of identity than on-the-surface personality. As it is, the only choice Fenn makes in this thread is the decision to search for the book, thereby uncovering bits of his identity. Not coincidentally, it’s also Fenn’s most interesting bit of character development in the thread. Every other action that Fenn takes in the thread is an animal reaction to some stimulus – usually running away from some threat or horror.

I actually think you do better with Daugi in this story than you do with Fenn. Without a second thought, she sacrifices her own safety and well-being to help Fenn. This devotion in the face of present mortal danger is a tremendous depiction of who she is as a character.

Does this make sense?

Prose

Generally very clean. You only make a couple of minor errors throughout the thread. One was a semicolon that should have been a colon. Another was in post #5: “He hadn't noticed it initially in lieu of the grotesque statue sitting nearly on top of it.” The phrase ‘in lieu of’ is the same as ‘instead of’, so your usage here is incorrect.

You do well at writing action sequences, particularly later in the thread when the eldritch whatever-the-fuck-that-was shows up. Short, choppy sentences do a great job of conveying tension and fear.



Overall, this was a very good story, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Well done! I’d like to see you take some chances. Drop Fenn into a situation with more complexity than a fetch quest. Introduce more agents and secondary motives. Weave a web. Force Fenn to make decisions; the more difficult, the better. In doing so, you add depth to your character; and you may find that you learn something new about him as well.

This will be left open a further week for people to get their comments in.

This workshop is now closed. Results will be up shortly.

Rewards for Workshop: Knowledge Rotten

Rewards:

Sir Artemis receives:
675 EXP
20 GP
4 AP

Nevin receives:
315 EXP
20 GP
3 AP

Atzar receives:
360 EXP
20 GP
3 AP

All rewards have been added.