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  1. #21
    Senior Member

    EXP: 5,416, Level: 3
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    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next Level: 3,584


    Yvonne's Avatar

    GP
    1,804
    AP
    0
    Name
    Yvonne Mythrilmantle
    Age
    21
    Race
    Grey Dwarf
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Alerar

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    Yvonne quietly made her way back to her appropriate place, returning to the customer area in front of the counter, gently brushing between the same saloon door she'd rushed through earlier. She silently arrived at the counter once more - the panther resting in peace - and she politely waited for service, giving the business a second and final chance. The counter appeared to be empty, but the grey dwarf knew the drakari assistant was trembling beneath the bench, his hands holding his head, praying these customers would go away.

    No luck. Yvonne rung the bell for assistance.

    The scale drakari peeped a look above the counter-top once again, couldn't see anyone there, and for a satisfied moment fancied the notion the coast was clear after all. He picked himself up from the floor properly, stood upright and only then realized his error. His height had brought the little nightmare into view - she was trading stares with him and hers was far less impressed. She didn't like needing to wait for incompetence to sort itself out.

    "Here be what be going ta happen. Ye going ta take this jungle predator, tha likes of which ye rarely manage ta bring down and haul back in tha wild without losing a man or two. Ye going ta skin it as neatly as ye know how, like yer own life depended on keeping it in tact. Do I make meself clear? Good. Clean tha pelt and keep it safe for me. Tha claws and teeth also, preserve them and be careful with them. Those not be for ye," Yvonne instructed precisely, the nervous scale nodding his head timidly.

    "Tha flesh be yours. Surely a premium quality meat upon tha likes of which ye could make a tidy sum. I bet ye'll have a line of hungry drakari in here shortly. They already know panther meat will soon be for sale. They watched me haul it in ta ye, without offering ta help me carry it mind ye," she said derisively, her silver eyes squinting dangerously. The scale widened his eyes fearfully, making an attempt to apologize for the trouble but the customer pressed on over the top of him.

    "We'll be trading tha panther meat's worth for an equivalent amount in more common meat, deer perhaps. I expect that would be at least three deer worth and we will take one now, coming back later throughout tha week for the others, understood? Now go! Go get one for me. Wait! Wait," she halted him dead in his tracks. Yvonne flicked a glance to Felicity, checking to see if she wanted anything in particular.

    Felicity barely looked alive and that wound appeared positively dreadful. Tsk. Nope, this won't do.

    "We'll also be taking yer business's medical supplies. Tha whole kit, thank ye," Yvonne concluded. The scale creased his brow, opened his mouth and-- "Don't argue with me mister, I have an emergency ta deal with now because of yer boss. If he be having an issue with it he can take it up with me personally. I'll happily tear strips off him once more, and if he ever bullies ye again ye come ta me, understood? I won't stand for that maltreatment. Ye tell all yer co-workers, all yer friends, Yvonne is in town. Tha meat and medical kit. Go! Hurry! She's bleeding!"

    The charismatic force of will shook her head as the drakari ran off, turning to the wounded warrior woman resting on her knees. Yvonne was practically at eye level with Felicity while she was subdued like this. She gently cupped her cheeks with her black-skinned hands checking her awareness, put a hand to her forehead testing her temperature. Burning up. Not good. With a thumb and forefinger she propped the redhead's right eyelid open and drew near, looking extremely closely into that green unfathomable sea.

    "... Fel-ic-it-y. Ye be with me dear? Can ye hear me? It be okay now. Tha bad monster be gone. ... Felicity? Who be ye? Say yer name for me," the half-dwarf questioned, her concern for the lass growing immeasurably.
    Last edited by Yvonne; 05-02-2018 at 09:58 PM.
    So I’m cutting that branch off the cherry tree.
    Singing this will be my victory.
    Then I, I see them coming after me.
    And they’re following me across the sea.
    And now they’re stinging my friends and my family.
    And I, I don’t know why this is happening.
    ~ Thrice, Black Honey.

  2. #22
    Senior Member

    EXP: 20,302, Level: 6
    Level completed: 5%, EXP required for next Level: 6,698
    Level completed: 5%,
    EXP required for next Level: 6,698


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    4
    AP
    0
    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

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    Felicity was there.

    Barely.

    The girl’s empty eyes blinked, eyeing the dwarf as green shakily locked with silver. It took several moments, as she heaved, but the girl mumbled, her old lisp completely returned as she slurred, “Fewicity.”

    The girl still shook, crumbling to the ground on her side. Head placed against the floor, she could see the ghostly smoke and steam swirling around the room. This dark, shaded place seemed perfect for a relapse time at first glance, but alas, Felicity was in critical condition. The pain in her stomach seared as toxic blood slowly spilled. If anyone were to even touch her blood, the nuclear fluid would sting. At this moment, Felicity didn’t process that Yvonne would be trying to patch her up. She did not have the energy to. The redhead started to breathe deeply, closing her teary eyes as she made her first attempt to calm down.

    The pain only glared more with her eyes shut. It was a surprising blessing in disguise, as the pain was enough to wake her from her chilling memory, her scorching thoughts. She listened to the noises in the room. Yvonne’s voice, the drakari worker, the cooking meat and squishy carcasses. The smell of food made her stomach growl, but her nausea prevented her from processing the hunger properly. For someone so close to malnourishment, she had lost any appetite. The sadness that dragged her to the floor, like a bolder pulling one down a lake, was heavy and rough.

    The sounds of a door swinging, footsteps scurrying, were emitted. The voice of the scale drakari was hurried and rushed, “We working on the meat, ma'am. Here's the medical supplies.”

    Felicity dazedly opened her eyes again. She saw Yvonne’s feet, the colorless, blurred surroundings were currently too much to all take in. Footsteps could be seen through the haze. Felicity’s brain still was not functioning enough to warn her not to operate unwisely.

    How would a dwarf of Alerar react to nuclear blood?
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  3. #23
    Senior Member

    EXP: 5,416, Level: 3
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next Level: 3,584
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next Level: 3,584


    Yvonne's Avatar

    GP
    1,804
    AP
    0
    Name
    Yvonne Mythrilmantle
    Age
    21
    Race
    Grey Dwarf
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Alerar

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    Yvonne grinned - Felicity's lispy whisper broke the silence and reassured the half-dwarf that it wasn't all over for her. They weren't out of the woods yet but the neanderthal hybrid's voice inspired hope. With some first aid and sustenance - Ye be kidding me!? Ye haven't got any pre-cooked deer on hand!? Patience of stone, patience of stone-- Felicity should make a full recovery. Seeing as the food was taking its sweet time, the simmering mongrel opened the medical kit and rummaged through it.

    "Ye were as brave as a dwarven sentinel back there. A real heroine," Yvonne commended, vocalizing the truth of it in order to keep the berserker awake. She was concealing it well but there was definitely a queasiness in the pit of her empty stomach, which was strange because normally she handled the sight of blood better. The black-skinned medic ignored how she felt, she didn't matter right now - Felicity did. She removed her fingerless leather gloves and pulled on a pair of clean, thinner ones from the kit. Grabbing a cloth she tried to clear the severed skin of blood so she could see what needed to be done.

    Yvonne's surprise was profound when she realized there were wisps of smoke rising from the cloth. What, wait, that not be right. She stretched the cloth out in front of her wide silver eyes, and, surely enough, Felicity's blood was gradually devouring the material. There was a tiny hole which she could see right through. Good grief woman, ye didn't mention neanderthals have acid-blood! This complicates things.

    The drow-dwarf medic would need more cloth to get her companion bandaged up, because the bleeding would work against the process. She soaked up what blood she could, carefully folded the cloth over to make it thicker and pressed it to the wound, getting blood all over her thin gloves. There was a wool blanket in the kit so that was immediately pulled out, slicing knife brought to bear upon it. Yvonne tore wool strips free and placed them over the cloth too, making a makeshift padding. That would need to hold - she shook her head at the thought of needle and thread, Felicity's blood would eat right through the thread - while she bandaged her friend.

    Lifting Felicity at the hip gently Yvonne began to wrap her up around the middle single-handedly, under and back over, under and over. Securing it with a pin the wound was bound, but--

    "Ow, ow," Yvonne reacted, pulling her hands free of the gloves falling to pieces. "Argh! That does not tickle." The medic struggled to complete first aid on herself, digging through their things looking for Felicity's purified water from the river. Finding it she poured some over her fuming flesh to dilute and wash the blood from her hand. It helped, soothing her of the writhing pain though it still tingled her skin.

    "Miss, uh, Miss Yvonne? Your- your deer is ready," the drakari stammered, offering a large and wrapped bundle of cooked meat.

    "I be a tad busy at tha moment, can't ye see? Put it on tha counter or ye'll contaminate--" Yvonne paused. Blinked. Swallowed.

    "--contaminate tha food. Sorry if I sound cranky, me friend be hurt and she doesn't deserve ta be," she managed to finish. She felt like her body wanted to vomit, but she pushed it down. Breathed. Ignored it.
    Last edited by Yvonne; 05-05-2018 at 10:55 AM.
    So I’m cutting that branch off the cherry tree.
    Singing this will be my victory.
    Then I, I see them coming after me.
    And they’re following me across the sea.
    And now they’re stinging my friends and my family.
    And I, I don’t know why this is happening.
    ~ Thrice, Black Honey.

  4. #24
    Senior Member

    EXP: 20,302, Level: 6
    Level completed: 5%, EXP required for next Level: 6,698
    Level completed: 5%,
    EXP required for next Level: 6,698


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    4
    AP
    0
    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Yvonne came off as soft and calm, trying to keep things controlled and contained as she worked to patch her up. Yet, as she wrapped bandages around the redhead's body, the child could feel her shaking – then –

    “Ow! Ow!”

    Oh yes. The nuclear blood.

    The dwarf’s eyes watered as she struggled to press on. She poured water on her hand and endured. Felicity’s eyes watered as well, but from emotion.

    ”Ye were as brave as a dwarven sentinel back there. A real heroine!”

    Was she?

    “Me friend be hurt and she doesn't deserve ta be.”

    She did not?

    She could see her toxic blood searing. It was strange, how Felicity’s powers reflected her personality. She pooled all of her violence, all of her agony, on the inside. She stored the negativity somewhere deep, albeit not deep enough. And when it came out… wow… it was a freak show. The aggression, the rage, the agony. She broke everything she touched, intoxicated the room with her putrid, dark, anger. If the explosions and wounds inflicted were not enough to chase people away, it would slowly kill anyone who stayed. It all went back to an insecurity she battled with her whole life. It all stemmed from ages of discrimination, personal attacks, rejection, and betrayals. Tears of a slightly orange dim glow streamed down the living bomb's face. She sobbed again. The room was already fuming with humidity from the butchery’s cooking, the vile wreaking of freshly slaughtered produce. Now, the room had been exposed to nuclear radiation for as long as fifteen seconds. Most of the affects were gone, but a dedicated Yvonne still working to fix a gaping wound was still exposed. The physical pain, oh, the physical pain was nothing. Much deeper was another wound, which Yvonne would finally see in the fullest. Yvonne was clearly nauseous. She was clearly in pain. The magic despising half drow was still here. Why? Why? Thoughts rampaged through the teen's mind. Why did she not leave when she saw…

    She saw…

    “Yvonne…”

    Felicity lifted her shaking, pale arms.

    “Why?”

    In an instant, she grabbed the short woman and pushed her a single step back. Felicity looked up from the floor, watching Yvonne with such a burning intensity. Wide, dilated eyes burned holes through the woman’s head as Felicity spoke through the pain and tears, “Why are you helping me?”

    The words of faceless millions corroded her mind. Flashes of misery and disaster corsed through her thoughts like lightning. Her mouth gaped open. She screamed.

    You saw what I am! Why are you still here! I use your much disliked arcane magic! Why else are you physically hurting when you touch me! And I can’t control it! Why try to help a monster!"

    Her apathetic lack of mercy towards the shop keep replayed. Her flashback to her mentor before her played and skipped as the girl lifted a balled fist. She took a long shaky breath as she screamed, “I'M A MONSTER!

    She was so physically weakened, the girl brought down a fist that usually could destroy the floor with ease. Instead, it barely left a small thudding noise. She screamed again, then exclaimed as she bawled, “They were right! Oh, they were right! I'm a monster! I almost killed him! I should never-

    She stopped mid sentence as her back throbbed. With the remaining hand holding Yvonne, she tried to push her away. Whether or not it worked, she did not see as she watched the floor, wishing it would open up and swallow her. “I deserve death! Death! I’m a monster! They were right! Leave me! Leave me alone!

    She crumpled to the floor again as she hoarsely screeched, “Can't you see I'm hurting you?! You can’t be hurt by me! Please! I can't hurt you! You're too good to be close to me! Leave me! Let me die- let me d…”
    Last edited by Flamebird; 05-05-2018 at 09:42 PM.
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  5. #25
    Senior Member

    EXP: 5,416, Level: 3
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next Level: 3,584
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next Level: 3,584


    Yvonne's Avatar

    GP
    1,804
    AP
    0
    Name
    Yvonne Mythrilmantle
    Age
    21
    Race
    Grey Dwarf
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Alerar

    View Profile
    Felicity lashed out at her, not to injure, but to push her away and create distance between them. The fiery-haired berserker glared at Yvonne with eyes to match those scarlet strands, such roiling and boiling, quiet fury the Alerian swore to herself she could feel the blistering heat on her skin. Her companion, her friend had one simplistic question to ask of her, one potent, powerful question to pose.

    Why?

    The furious berserker erupted red hot wrath, channelling the fury of her soul through her voice and unleashed the hell she experienced routinely unto the individual who had tried to help her. Felicity gave Yvonne a taste, an ember of how she felt and it shook her benefactor to their very core. The wounded woman screamed follow-through questions that impacted like definitive statements, each assailment another blow that lead back to her original question.

    Why? Yvonne... Why?

    Whether it was the searing tears burning trails down Felicity's cheeks - her anguish so openly on display - or the scorching remarks that deliberately ignited a firewall between them, tears of her own welled up in Yvonne's goggled eyes. She took them off the moment her vision became blurred with a watery haze, and as soon as she did her tears streamed down her cheeks like cascading falls. She'd been taken entirely by surprise, holding no expectation whatsoever that Felicity could let loose a volcano of agony and in her direction, least of all. No, she hadn't anticipated this outcome. Consistently what would happen was, when Yvonne went out of her way to help someone suffering, she was met with gratitude. Thanks.

    Not this time. Yvonne's silvery eyes shied away from those flaming furnaces billowing a hellstorm for her, looking to the left-open medical kit from which she'd pulled all the tools she needed to bandage Felicity's wound. Her trembling hands closed it, symbolizing her charity and support were coming to an end. All these tools strewn about, all the effort - the lengths she had gone to, socially-demolishing the owner of this storefront, imposing her will on the milksop assistant, sweeping her fears and feelings aside to operate on her gaping wound... how did any of it mean anything, how did it matter at all if Felicity wasn't grateful for it?

    Yvonne had no words. For all her etiquette tutoring in Kachuck, all of Abel's mentoring as they'd travelled most of the known world, all of the people she'd confronted to grasp onto some kind of ledge on the social-cliff she'd been falling from throughout her life... this was a confrontation she didn't want to have. She had no grounds to stand on, couldn't argue with one of the first people she'd ever met that was so much like her, a hybridization of races that could barely tolerate each other. To quarrel with Felicity was to quarrel with her blood-sister. To fight with Felicity was to fight with herself.

    There were no words at all.

    Yvonne turned away from the explosive teen and took hesitant steps toward the door. She was trembling uncontrollably, her legs shaking to such a degree she could scarcely walk in a straight line. Her spyglass goggles, her clockwork gloves she abandoned - her sorrow flooding her face - as she neared the doorway to the outside world, her tear-droplets shaking free of her black skin as she quivered hysterically. Her phobia was wracking her entire body - she was so afraid she didn't know herself anymore, experienced so much dread and terror that this couldn't possibly be real... could it?

    If what Felicity had screamed at her was true - that she was a magic-manipulating mage - she should go, run, run away and never look back. Run out into that blistering sunlight that felt like a mild fever compared with the wrath she was being subjected to here. This entire city - this Donnalaich, her thoughts spat the name - was a coven of witches her dark elven brethren would love nothing more than to put to the torch. Why had she ever come here at all? Why had she submerged herself in this cesspit of magic? Why had she aligned herself with someone who practiced the arcane?

    Should her superiors - or so they presumed themselves to be - ever discovered she had willingly sought refuge, refuge among the ruined buildings of wicked practitioners of sorcery, or cavorted with a travelling companion who dabbled in reality-bending hocus pocus... she would be exiled from her homeland forever at best, and executed as a foul demon-communing witch at worst. She would be made an example, for all dark elves and dwarves to take as a lesson from her charred, crisp corpse, to steer well away from in their own lives. Never play with mystical forces beyond the scope of rational thought and science, or you will be brought to heel.

    Yvonne broke down and wailed, wholly and utterly howled with grief. New tears filled her silver eyes to the brim. She had always tried to act upon what she believed to be right. Everything she had done, every struggle she had overcome, every argument she had won she had known herself to be in the right. Felicity had a good heart beating in her chest, had a compassionate soul holding her to this world and yet here they were... opposed. They had come so far through the jungle, helped each other survive the dangers that desired to eat them alive and now, now they were met with conflict? They had arrived at a stalemate?

    The grey dwarf's gaping lower lip quavered as she, herself, was harnessed by her own immense sorrow to be the conduit of her despair. The floodgates were well and truly broken. Yvonne's aching grief drowned out all sound in the room, her pain shuddering through her meager dwarven body. She struggled to take a breath, her sadness eking out every last ounce of time it could take from her as it forced itself to be known. She struggled, struggled, closed her elven eyes and spilled all of those brimming tears at once, like dams breaking and releasing the reservoirs. Finally she managed to take a breath, but the unmitigated suffering and torment she had experience throughout her entire life could be understood in that one inhaling outcry.

    "No Felicity. No. I won't go. Nobody can tell me I be doing tha wrong thing. Nobody should ever be made ta feel how ye and I have been made ta feel. I will go ta tha ends of tha earth ta ensure that nobody suffers how we have suffered. Tha ends of tha earth! Ye understand me?" Yvonne vowed, the question she knew Felicity would feel understanding for in her very bones. In her excruciating, black blood.

    Yvonne hurried toward the neanderthal hybrid, her willpower - unrivalled by no woman or man on this plane of existence - allowing her to decide, in that moment for herself, she alone was in control of her own fate. The half-dwarf was met with the barring hands of the berserker trying to keep her at bay, Felicity's demands of "Leave me! Leave me alone!" trying to turn her away as she rushed to the fiery woman. Yvonne sidestepped around her block and embraced her side, burying her tear-drenched face against her back and holding on for dear life. The warrior might fight her still, throw her off in rage-induced tantrum and if that happened so be it. She would make her will known and nothing could stop her. Not anger, not fear, not sorrow. Nothing.

    "There be a monster in all of us, dear. How we control that monster... it breaks us, or makes us," Yvonne spoke, offering deep and meaningful words of wisdom through her shuddering sobs.

    Was she afraid? Yes, but in this moment she realized what she was truly afraid of. It wasn't magic that inspired her terror. It was rejection from people she cared about, and Yvonne cared for essentially everyone until they gave her a reason not to. Her phobia was a fear only of magic because her dark elven brethren despised it with their very being. It was them turning their backs on her that filled her with dread-tremors... but she would let them all turn away from her if this one would remain.

    Ta hell with them and their misguided hatred!
    Last edited by Yvonne; 05-05-2018 at 08:12 PM.
    So I’m cutting that branch off the cherry tree.
    Singing this will be my victory.
    Then I, I see them coming after me.
    And they’re following me across the sea.
    And now they’re stinging my friends and my family.
    And I, I don’t know why this is happening.
    ~ Thrice, Black Honey.

  6. #26
    Senior Member

    EXP: 20,302, Level: 6
    Level completed: 5%, EXP required for next Level: 6,698
    Level completed: 5%,
    EXP required for next Level: 6,698


    Flamebird's Avatar

    GP
    4
    AP
    0
    Name
    Felicity Rhyolite
    Age
    18
    Race
    Neanderthal/ Human Hybrid
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    What sort of mental illness was manipulating Yvonne’s head? What was this madness? Why did she come back? What was driving her to help this wretch survive another pathetic day? What was this insanity that made her cling to her back as if her life force was bound to hers? Why did she stay? Did Yvonne not see her for the animal she was?

    Felicity was not used to this. How should she respond?

    Most people she knew could not handle her – or simply did not care. Her own country of origin scoffed or plotted murder against her. She was an unplanned, unwanted child of an unfortunate, unwilling mother who instantly turned her back on the product of shame. Her uncle, and her cousin, they brought her up – only to die the most tragic of deaths. Her alchemy teacher, who gifted her her berserk powers, was slowly unwinding as a psychopath. Her older sister figure and teacher became the Executioner of the Wicked, wanted in all but few countries for the crimes she committed against other criminals. Her sister, her mentor, then turned to abuse her…

    A select few people ever gave her this… this… was this pity? Compassion? Love? It had been so long between the pockets of time she was lucky enough to feel loved, she almost forgot what it was like. Now, only her older brother figure Nevin gave her this real, vulnerable consideration. Even then, her unrealistic, warped insecurities on whether or not he truly cared – or just saw her as a cool science project – clanged like gongs in her head. They were irrational, but with a history like Felicity’s were these fears uncalled for? Yvonne was one of the select few. What vile action was this? What form of bond was this?

    Felicity tried to push her away, but Yvonne did not move. She threw her temper tantrums and had her fits. Yvonne stood firm. Felicity hurdled outcries and screams her way. Yvonne did not budge. She was not nearly as physically strong as Felicity, but through sheer willpower and mental might she wrestled Felicity down, exhausted her. Yvonne finally won. Out of breath, out of energy, out of power, Felicity took quick, heavy breaths as Yvonne defiantly wrapped her wound. Regardless of the pain, regardless of anything and anyone… Yvonne stayed.

    After long last, a chilled, relieving silence took over the room.

    As Yvonne tightened the bandages, Felicity remembered her words, echoing through her mind. In a faint, timid whisper, the child warned her in remorseful tears. Her lisp came back as the drained girl shivered, “You haven’t seen any-ing near -e monst'a inside ’a me. I assure you… You hav'n’t seen ‘e wo'st of…”

    Her vision was splotched with black spots as the girl silently sobbed, “You have no idea what you' get'n into… hewping me…”



    “But fank- fa- ... thank you. So much..."

    The last of her energy crashed through the floor. Combined with her physical, mental, and emotional stress, she was finally finished off. As Yvonne finished helping in the binding of her physical wound – and the start of the much deeper one beneath – she lost consciousness. Lost within the entanglement of all these emotions, difficulties, and obstacles, she was beaten. Her loaded eyes fell shut, locked down.
    Last edited by Flamebird; 05-05-2018 at 10:43 PM.
    Althy Awards:
    - 2017 Heroine of the Year (Felicity).
    - 2013 Player of the Year (OOC).

    Little Ragechild

    Felicity Rhyolite Theme Songs.

    Althanas Portrayed by Spongebob Series.

  7. #27
    Senior Member

    EXP: 5,416, Level: 3
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next Level: 3,584
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next Level: 3,584


    Yvonne's Avatar

    GP
    1,804
    AP
    0
    Name
    Yvonne Mythrilmantle
    Age
    21
    Race
    Grey Dwarf
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Alerar

    View Profile
    The scale drakari flipped over the hanging sign in the front window, from open to closed. His boss would be incensed with him if he noticed the temporary closure, but his boss had also been sobered by the criticising speech of this miniscule foreigner. He knew with certainty who's side he wanted to be standing on if another dispute broke out between the two, and it wasn't his hulking bully of a employer. Maybe Zrazire would fire him for insubordination, but...

    ...so what? By the sound of things he could be the first in line for employment at a new business next door, if that was how things were going down. This Yvonne creature, with her tremendous voice and tiny body would see that he and his family were well provided for. He was accustomed to looking up to bigger, stronger and more physically dangerous male drakari where the social hierarchy was concerned, but here he was, looking down, and acting on her behalf without command.

    He kneeled down to pick up the first aid utensils and place them back in the medical kit, cleaning the blood on them and from the floor with rags as he did so. As he stooped down to sort through the disarray his concerned, draconian-slit eyes looked to the unconscious half-neanderthal, before shifting uncomfortably toward the half-dwarven woman, still cognizant and watching him, watching over her blood-sister.

    "How do I help you help her... tiny matriarch? She needs a den to shelter and rest," the scale drakari suggested.

    "There be another blanket in me backpack. If ye can find for me two metal rods or sturdy sticks we will make a stretcher ta carry her. I think it may be best ta make for tha edge of town and make camp on tha outskirts for tonight," Yvonne replied, her voice coarse and weary from over-use.

    "We've caused enough of a disturbance in Donnalaich for one day. Felicity would benefit from peace, quiet and a hot meal when she awakens. I need tha very same. Ye be willing ta help me carry her and help us settle in for tha night, mister...? I be sorry, I never caught yer name dear," Yvonne admitted apologetically.

    "Shaseth, little matriarch. You honour me with the question," the scale drakari revealed, making himself acquainted.

    "Shaseth. Ye have made a life-changing decision today. Yer assistance will not go unnoticed nor unrewarded. I thank ye, for yer willingness ta act when it be frightening ta do so," Yvonne praised.



    And so their newfound drakari supporter, and Yvonne herself, packed up their equipment and cleaned up their mess at the entrance to the storefront. They built the stretcher and gently carried Felicity to the outskirts of Donnalaich, where the town rubble ended and the jungle tendrils began, making a peaceful camp. Yvonne gave her exhausted companion a comfortable bed with plenty of moss padding from the river, warm blanket from dismantling the stretcher and a soft pillow from her backpack. She cooked a hearty deer stew in her cooking pot above a quiet, crackling fire, kept a perceptive lookout throughout her surroundings for feline ambush predators, her crossbow always at the ready. When everything was in order Shaseth returned to his wife and young ones for the night - but promised before he left, if there was anything the ragechild and little matriarch needed from him in the future... they would know where to find him.



    To Be Continued.

    Thank you for reading! You're awesome!
    So I’m cutting that branch off the cherry tree.
    Singing this will be my victory.
    Then I, I see them coming after me.
    And they’re following me across the sea.
    And now they’re stinging my friends and my family.
    And I, I don’t know why this is happening.
    ~ Thrice, Black Honey.

  8. #28
    Danger: Keep Away

    EXP: 90,057, Level: 13
    Level completed: 1%, EXP required for next Level: 13,943
    Level completed: 1%,
    EXP required for next Level: 13,943


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    1,200
    AP
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    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
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    Let me start by thanking you both for submitting this for a full rubric. It was a pleasure to read and judge it, and I hope the feedback you receive below reflects the work you both put in and is in some way helpful to you.


    Plot: 17/30

    Story: 6

    Yvonne, I was reasonably impressed by your efforts here. Opening the thread, you provide solid (and clever) reasons for Yvonne being in such an inhospitable land as Dheathain; ones that didn’t come across as cliché or generic. The idea of tapping into / exploiting the rare wares market was actually very good and set you an “end game”. Throughout the thread you also dip your toe more than once into the Althanian lore pool which helped to accentuate and boost the credibility of your storytelling; Yvonne’s Kachuck heritage, the contrast between where she came from and where she is and her inherent fear of magic all went down well. Additionally, her development alongside Felicity was well written and the arrival in Donnaliach brought Yvonne right to the forefront of the story, drawing on elements of her past to power home an emotional and proud stand against Zrazire which I fully appreciated and enjoyed.

    I do, however, have two minor criticisms. Firstly, I felt that the thread was probably too drawn out for the actual story content, which felt back-loaded (I’ll be touching upon this in pacing), and secondly I felt that you never really addressed, concluded or touched upon the original reasons you gave for being in Dheathain in the first place as the thread went on, which disappointed me as I was looking forward to see how that would develop.

    Flamebird, Your opening provided us relatively sensible reasons for Felicity being in Dhethean; firstly, because she loves exploring and secondly to study magic. The contrast between a pairing of a dwarf terrified of magic and Felicity, a keen magic user intent on improving, was excellent and not at all lost on me. That said, and whilst no one can fault the effort you put in here, I do believe that you were a bit of a passenger in the early to mid sections of the thread. Between Felicity meeting Yvonne and them arriving in Donnaliach, there was plenty of action but it was dotted about in the drawn out part of the thread. However, Felicity really shone after the arrival in Donnaliach and her confrontation with Zrazire in his store was probably the highlight, drawing on aspects of her colourful and angry personality to drive home what she is all about.

    Much like Yvonne, I felt that you never really addressed the original reasons you gave for being in Dheathain and Felicity’s story in Donnaliach concluded much differently to the suggestion. Setting a marker down at the start of the thread created an expectation that the plot device will be in some way achieved, followed or referred to but sadly the Zrazire incident put paid to any further mention of studying magic (whilst it was a good final third).

    Probably most importantly, I didn’t get a sense that this was a plot written by two writers on the same wavelength. When I judge a collaboration, I like to see each writer doing something in each post to either further the plot or the character’s development, giving me a “roadmap” of rising action and story development that I can trace from a thread’s beginning to end. Whilst there were patches of very good combined character development, especially in Zrazire’s store near the end after Felicity loses her shit, I often felt that the majority of individual efforts were better than the collective and I believe this led to a drawn out, somewhat haphazard thread that meandered about due to either a lack of planning or too much improvisation. I felt the thread could have been five or six posts shorter and still have delivered the same product, so that may be something to consider in the long run.


    Pacing: 5

    Pacing is the real problem here and ultimately it’s the significant element I really struggled with. Between Yvonne and Felicity meeting and arriving in Donnaliach, the thread became bogged down in generic travelling and this left me feeling a little subdued as these posts felt more like filler and didn’t add any nutritional value to the thread. Business only really picked up around post fifteen, which unsurprisingly fell at their arrival at Donnaliach. We are then introduced to Zrazire, and that’s when everything peaked. I loved the back and forth with the three characters and I found myself latching on to every word, with each post giving me more rising action each time, and thankfully Yvonne’s “conclusion box” served to avoid the issue of a drawn out conclusion without rushing things.


    Setting: 6

    As with most threads, I felt that the early posts’ use and description of Dheathain setting was far stronger than the tail-end of the thread, which for me is a trend I see all too often. I imagine this is because writers tend to sense when they are coming to the end of their piece and, whether intended or not, choose to “cut corners” in order to get the thread concluded. What this does is essentially affect consistency, which is really the key to nailing this element of the rubric and enhancing the overall read. We’ll move onto that shortly.

    Early on I felt that the effort you both put in to bringing Dheathain to life was superb. Yvonne, in all of the threads I have seen on Dheathain, I don’t think I’ve been as impressed with a visualisation as I was with yours in those first few posts. You really paint an excellent picture of what the conditions are like in Dheathain's inhospitable climate, and truly add colour with your knowledge of the flora and fauna, as well as those little dips into the lorebook. The actual use of the setting in this early part too was very good, portraying the plant life as aggressive and hostile as Dheathain itself. Flamebird, in those early parts you were also excellent and without rote copying what Yvonne did you managed to show Dheathain's jungle in your own light, from the perspective of an explorer. You managed to use the setting in a way which was both believable and also held a little mysticism about it; being a relatively unexplored region of Althanas, you did well early on to preserve the “mystique” surrounding Dhethean.

    After the arrival at Donnaliach, I felt that high level of quality dropped to something a little more subpar. Posts shifted their focus, understandably so, to the emotions and actions of the characters but this came at the cost of the quality of setting. In the last few posts, I couldn’t really visualise Zrazire’s shop, or how the characters were using it or moving about in it. The rigidity of the scene collapsed and I ended up visualising a scene in a place that felt far more generic than it really should have been, and far more basic than I’m sure either of you either intended or would have liked. I am a big believer that setting should be the one constant in any thread, and the kind of quality and effort shown at the beginning would have added far more colour to the back end of the story.



    Character: 20/30


    Communication: 7/10

    When it came to communication, I had very few concerns. Both of you write your characters well, and the way that they communicate generally makes sense. Both Yvonne and Felicity have distinctive quirks and unique speech patterns to give their dialogue some additional flare, drawing on either their age, condition or heritage, and what you did have, for the most part, was solid.

    I do have two small pieces of advice that aren’t really game changers for this thread but might help in future, which you can choose to take on board or not. Firstly, I would encourage you to make sure that the tones you set through dialogue stay consistent. There were a couple of instances where I picked up on Felicity switching between normal speech and her lisp, and I apart from early posts I couldn’t distinguish between the lisp being triggered by either stress or the Dheathain conditions or Flamebird just “not doing it” for whatever reason. Sometimes, the lisp was explained, and sometimes not, so a bit more explanation here would have been excellent.

    Second, I would encourage you both to check your characters for overly-dramatic dialogue. While this is a fantasy story, and I usually live by the "go big or go home" motto, a few lines in this thread just felt out of place. Flamebird, you are a good writer but I nearly spit out my drink when I read the "I’M A MONSTER!" line in post twenty four. It felt quite cliché, and I'm not sure it would be natural for someone to express their sudden realizations that way.


    Action: 6/10

    Action was mostly very good, and both of your characters exhibited behaviour that matched their individual quirks You both also did a good job of outlining your characters' weaknesses and limits; good writers know how to weave them into a more believable tale. For example, I loved the way Yvonne displayed her terror of magic in post three, and Felicity showed her explosive temper later in the thread. Those little actions just bring their respective scenes to life. Dealing with Zrazire was probably the highlight of your joint contribution to the thread, with Felicity detonating that rage and Yvonne talking the drakari down being both a superb contrast and believable action for both characters.

    Your action score is a bit lower than you might like, however, due to the concerns that I raised in the commentary on pacing. There were a few cases when both of your action felt a bit drawn out, and I had to force myself not to just skip ahead. I believe you are both far better writers than those parts suggest. Try asking a friend to read over your more action-heavy scenes with brevity in mind.


    Persona: 7/10

    Persona was certainly a strength for you both. I was able to get a good feel for who your characters were, especially with the help of the first couple and last few posts, in which their respective philosophies and personalities are drawn out. The reflections on Yvonne’s past were well done as well, and the portrayal of Felicity as a hybrid Neanderthal human with a short fuse could really be felt throughout and gave me a good grasp of a character I hadn’t really experienced before. As for consistency, which is equally as important, I would say you both did a nice job. There were a few parts that I really enjoyed, such as Yvonne storming off after being in the vicinity of magic, and her not wanting to leave Felicity behind despite the chaos she was causing. In turn, this led to a nice moment at the end where Felicity calms and reflects on Yvonne being the only one who stayed to help her, despite what she is.


    Prose:19

    Mechanics: 6/10

    Though you are both good writers, I found a few more errors in this thread than I would have expected. There were a few run-on sentences, some odd sentence fragmentation (especially in Yvonne’s first post “Only the mild discomforts did she have the time to contemplate, formulate thoughts of protest about” would probably need a semi-colon), and some odd words. in post two. "It was considered part of the Althanas secture of the world" had me scrambling through the dictionary in a confused and dehydrated state, but I couldn’t find it, so I assume this was a typo. “She could of hired a guide to help her through the jungle wilderness” should instead be "have". Even with a thorough read-through, these small elements might be missed. I always recommend actually reading your posts out loud. I find my eyes can often fix mistakes for me, but when I have to actually speak them, they stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe that routine will work for you as well!


    Technique: 6/10

    I touched upon this in setting but I really liked the techniques you both used to describe Dheathain. There were some very nice metaphors throughout and this is something you both seem to have a knack for. You're also both very skilled at using that internal monologue to your advantage. But, as always, I think you could stand to work in even a bit more. When I find something I especially like, I circle it multiple times in my notes. There were not as many instances of that as I would have expected, but I know that you are both more than capable of giving me a bit more next time. One thing I definitely need to address, though, is Flamebird’s habit of bringing modern day terminology and casual slang into a fantasy setting. “Nuclear blood” and “Fangirl” are the main offenders in this piece, and their use sadly does more to detract from the writing than add to it. If I’m going to be blunt, and I will because you’ve paid a heavy 5 AP for me to be honest with you, I actually think this is the worst offense of the thread.


    Clarity: 7/10

    I don’t have a massive amount to say for clarity. Apart from having to grind through your respective accents to ensure I understood exactly what was being said, there wasn’t a lot I didn’t understand on the first read through, so I’m scoring you accordingly.


    Wildcard: 7/10

    I know I had a few criticisms, but please know that I genuinely enjoyed this thread for what it was, and although it was a little long it gave me a great insight into two characters I would not normally be familiar with. Yvonne, you are an excellent writer with a good grasp of what you need to succeed here. Flamebird, you've got both the experience and the ability to take Felicity to places you haven't done before on this site. It was a pleasure judging this for you both! You have both laid groundwork here to build a strong collaborative team in the future and I hope I get to see more of Yvonne and Felicity soon! Perhaps we can write together soon?

    Final Score: 63

    Congratulations!

    Yvonne receives 1275 EXP and 175 GP!


    Flamebird receives 1505 EXP and 165 GP, with 5 AP deducted for the judgment!
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 05-15-2018 at 11:46 AM.

  9. #29
    Danger: Keep Away

    EXP: 90,057, Level: 13
    Level completed: 1%, EXP required for next Level: 13,943
    Level completed: 1%,
    EXP required for next Level: 13,943


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