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Thread: March Vignette

  1. #1
    Super Moderator

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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
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    Corone

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    March Vignette

    For this month the vignette will encourage you to tell us more about your character's deeper personality. Standard vignette rules apply.

    Prompt is as follows:

    Your character is faced with one of their biggest pet peeves. What is the pet peeve and how do they deal with it. You could look at how your character got the pet peeve in the first place and/or the situation they are faced with, how it happened.
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

  2. #2
    Innocence & Instincts

    EXP: 27,302, Level: 7
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    Level completed: 4%,
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    Black Shadow's Avatar

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    Name
    Black Shadow
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    Raiaera
    Piercing screams enveloped the ears of Black Shadow. Women in pain, begging for their lives, tears streaming down their face. Blood splattered across the walls. This place was was riddled with death, disease, and torture. The halls were dark and unlit, scratched up from species that no one knows, both humanoid and creatures alike.

    Black Shadow was caught, found on one of his missions, and now being held captive. He could hear the screams come from the hallway as a subject was carted down the hall in pain. Black Shadow could only catch a glimpse of the creature, but he knew a severed limb when he saw one. He cringed, knowing that this will be his fate soon.

    He took a quick look around, the room he was in dark and grey, scratched up and bloody. The wall facing him looked like glass, yet he could not see through it. In the glass he could see his reflection staring right back at him. His captors had removed his mask. Black Shadow sneered in anger, no one took off his mask, that is what made him who he was, and no one knew what he looked like.

    Black Shadow thought of a plan to escape, he would make it out of here alive, and his captors would never see the light of day. rotating his wrists, he could feel that his hands were tied with a rope, but the knot was not tight and, from what hey could tell, not well made. He took a deep breath in, lifted his hands as high as he could, and brought them down and out. His raw strength ripped the rope apart, setting him free. As he stood, Black Shadow watched the glass in front of him become clear. A man robed in black, wearing his mask, carrying a sword. There was a woman kneeling, her hands clenched and begging for mercy. The man lifted his sword and brought it down, removing the woman's head from her body. Black Shadow watched the scene unfold in horror.

    Anger now flooded Black Shadow's mind. He watched an innocent woman die by the hand of a man posing as himself. Without thinking, Black Shadow ran and dove forward, crashing through the window. He was fast, too fast for the false him. He let out a flurry of punches, the man unable to react. Blood filled the man's face as Shadow ripped his mask from the man, and continued to beat him. In a final act of anger, Shadow grabbed the sword he carried and removed the doppelgänger pathetic head from his body.

    Black Shadow spit on the man's body, and placed his mask back on. No one removed his mask. He then continued through the rest of the compound, killing any evil entity in his path, and releasing prisoners.

  3. #3
    Senior Member

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    Level completed: 11%,
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    Yvonne's Avatar

    GP
    1,804
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    Name
    Yvonne Mythrilmantle
    Age
    21
    Race
    Grey Dwarf
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Alerar

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    Fair warning. This post contains coarse language and mature themes.

    Yvonne was tending to her mother's bar, the storefront of their establishment, while Mera kept the guest rooms orderly around back. Tables needed to be wiped clean, chairs needed pushing in and the floor needed another mop... and that was beyond the bar itself. Behind the counter there was gold cogs to be sealed in the safe, bookkeeping to be quilled in and beer glasses to clean. She'd only managed to stash the money, close the safe door and relock it when they came stumbling in.

    Dark elven regulars the lot of them, none of the men particularly well-to-do that Yvonne was aware of. They were middle class workforce and liked to spend their cogs as quickly as they'd earned them. Quicker still if a bartender was careless and allowed their tab to get out of hand. They'd drink the bar dry and never pay their debts in full. From the stagger on them - and the smell - they were half a hand through the bars of their usual beer crawl.

    Yvonne made a hopeless attempt at ignoring them as they situated themselves on stools bordering the bar, filling the sinks with water hot and cold, glass cleaner and sanitizer. She knew how much they owed her mother as she cut them off last week. Serving them would only worsen their debt, she'd have the same result pouring the beer down the sink.

    "Do me a favour eh? Bring us a round," came the inevitable call out. He watched her intently, waited, wondering what it was going to take to get some service here.
    "You can't ask a dwarf for a favour," another elf interjected, drawing the eyes of the first away from her.
    "Why not?" the first queried.
    "She has a short term memory! Haha! Get it?" They all laughed, heartier than the joke was funny. So this was how it was going to be.

    Another of the elves drew Yvonne's attention from her cleaning by peering down her cleavage. She straightened her back and lifted her chin, unimpressed, but now that he had her gaze he pressed her again, "How about some food then eh. Get us some grub!"
    "Naw, you can't have the dwarf cook," the joker interjected once again.
    "Why shouldn't we have the dwarf cook?" the hungry one asked.
    "The steaks are too high!" Roaring laughter filled the room, hands slapping the counter-top in approval as well as pats on the back for mister comedy himself.

    Yvonne needed to take control of this situation before it got out of hand. She sighed, setting the glasses on the drying rack and emptying the sinks while questioning them, "Are ya ready ta pay yer tab from last week?"

    The obvious retort, "Sorry lass, we're a bit short changed at the moment." She should have seen that one coming but instead she'd walked right into it. Feeling foolish, the hint of a blush coloured her cheeks while the lot of them sniggered and howled with delight. Clearly distracted as she dried the suds from her hands, she revised her list of chores in her head, realizing the bookkeeping needed amending. She recorded the transactions of earlier genuine customers.

    "I saw a dwarf walking to catch the train today. When he saw it arriving at the station he broke into a jog. He was late to the platform so he started sprinting but it steamed off to the next stop before he got there. It was too little too late." Another rowdy, boisterous uproar drowned out all sound and thought in the room. There was only humiliation left.
    "I came up to him and I said 'Jump in and I'll take you where you want to go.' He barks, 'Get lost' and I replied, 'Suit yourself,' closing up my backpack and kept on walking." The dark elf crowd were in stitches, the hilarity too much for most of them, giggling with reddening faces as they struggled to breathe.

    They needed to stop, but they weren't aware the line had been crossed. They weren't paying attention to their victim - the attention was on the comedian and amongst themselves. A wonderful time was being had by all... except Yvonne, the butt of every joke.

    "What is the difference between a clever dwarf and a venereal disease?" The jesting elf posed the question, causing the others to rub their remaining brain cells together.
    "No idea. What's the difference?" came the white flag, when thought became too difficult after a handful of seconds.
    "One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt." Another overwhelming burst of laughter erupted from the lot of them, like floodgates had been broken before an oncoming flood. The laughter drowned Yvonne's thoughts out again, forcing her to rethink what needed taking care of. Tables needed clearing - the grey dwarf dampened a cloth and headed for a table in a far corner.
    "This dwarf is both! Haw haw!" That hurt. The voice chased her across the room, booming mirth encouraging the jester as loudly as ever.

    "Say what you like about dwarves. At least they don't look down on people." They were relentless. Yvonne wielded a considerable amount of patience, but her patience was beginning to crack and splinter.
    "Yes, got to hand it to the short ones." Another elf agreed, their voices were all the same to her mind, as though they were all the same tormentor, conversing with themself.
    "Well they can't reach for themselves, can they?" It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Yvonne snarled, her pretend-face waning. She drew back her leg in a wind up and, with a release of frustration, kicked the chair in front of her in. It didn't help. It looked hilarious from their point of view.

    "I think she's starting to get angry with us," one of them managed to nasalize over his ongoing cackle, keeled over. His middle obviously hurt from laughing so much.
    "What do you say to an angry dwarf?" Where was he getting all of these jokes from? Yvonne thought she had already heard them all, but there were a few new ones even she hadn't been bludgeoned with yet.
    "No idea," the dumb one answered.
    "Someone's a little mad!" Another guffaw lit the room up, but they were in such pain from all of the effort and ridicule required, they were tiring out. The dusk dwarf was tired too, but she had the energy to unleash hell. She waddled her way back behind the bar, feeling like the most insignificant person in the entire world.

    "Why do dwarves get mad so easily?" Anyone with a conscience knew when to quit, but these elves seemed to be immune to feelings of guilt. Maybe it had something to do with how drunk they were. The alcohol inhibited their senses.
    "I don't know," dummy dinged in.
    "They've got short tempers!" It was more than enough. This was the same joke, only repeated in a different way.

    Yvonne took up the crossbow her mother had given her from below the bar, for the first time. She held it vertically, placing her shoe in the claw like her mother had shown her, pulling back to cock the weapon. As she went for the quarrel of bolts the torment continued.

    “I bumped into a dwarven ex-girlfriend of mine yesterday,” the comedian explained, eyeing the crossbow in her hands warily. At least she had his attention now, but she was going to have to fight for the rest.
    “Small world,” came the dumb one’s first quip. He was catching on! Hooray!
    “It’s too bad things didn't work out between her and me. I was just nuts over her,” he sneered at her while delivering the punchline, daring her to do something rash. Yvonne loaded the bolt and aimed it for his throat. Stop speaking. Stop it.

    “This dwarf is really sensitive about her lack of height. It's best we don’t tease her anymore. You might take an arrow to the knee!” They got up off the stools and turned to leave, but the laughing, snickering and cackling never ceased. Even when they were out in the street they chuckled and pointed through the windows. Eventually they had all left.

    Yvonne removed the bolt and let it clatter to the floor, crumbling to her knees in tears. The crossbow was the only prop holding her up. She wailed in a cold fury.
    Last edited by Yvonne; 03-22-2018 at 12:47 AM.
    So I’m cutting that branch off the cherry tree.
    Singing this will be my victory.
    Then I, I see them coming after me.
    And they’re following me across the sea.
    And now they’re stinging my friends and my family.
    And I, I don’t know why this is happening.
    ~ Thrice, Black Honey.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 93,511, Level: 13
    Level completed: 26%, EXP required for next Level: 10,489
    Level completed: 26%,
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    Philomel's Avatar

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    21,173
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    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
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    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

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    This thread is now closed. Rewards will be posted in due course.
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

  5. #5
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 209,214, Level: 20
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    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,525
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    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    March Vignette Judgment

    Prompt: Your character is faced with one of their biggest pet peeves. What is the pet peeve and how do they deal with it. You could look at how your character got the pet peeve in the first place and/or the situation they are faced with, how it happened.

    Black Shadow: You used the topic well by building a story around your character's pet peeve, although it didn't become completely clear what that pet peeve was until the very end (at first I thought it might be torture, which seemed an odd choice). This could have been improved upon by either introducing the pet peeve earlier or else saving it for the end, almost like a punch line. The story itself provided some insight into the type of person Black Shadow is, but details were few and it felt rather bland overall. A lot more creativity and outside-the-box thinking would have made for a more interesting read. Your mechanics were not bad, however there were several instances of awkward phrasings and redundant information. This is where giving your work an extra read-through can really boost you up to the next level. Your vignette was an appropriate length and while the brevity is appreciated, it did feel like you sacrificed a lot of creativity in favor of brevity, so a healthier balance of the two could have helped.

    Yvonne: You employed a very strong use of the topic, although it would have benefited the piece overall if the pet peeve had been introduced a little earlier and harped on a little less. As it was, the build up lasted too long and the payoff felt like too little. You displayed a lot of creativity (or possibly research, which is fair game) with all of the dwarf jokes, and provided enough detail that I felt like I got to witness a little slice of Yvonne's life. Your mechanics were clean as far as I noticed, although I might suggest double spacing every paragraph including new dialogue lines, it tends to flow a bit better the way it looks on here. But, since you kept your paragraphs reasonably short anyways, it didn't really become an issue. I enjoyed reading your entry and feel like if it had contained a few less jokes and a sharper ending, it would have been a truly excellent vignette.

    1st Place: Yvonne
    2nd Place: Black Shadow

    Yvonne receives 200 EXP, 200 GP, and 1 AP.

    Black Shadow receives 560 EXP, 150 GP, and 1 AP.

    Congratulations!

    (Rewards to be added soon).
    Shoot some diamonds and sparks
    from your torso

    -Wax Mannequin

  6. #6
    Super Moderator

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    Level completed: 34%,
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    Garron's Avatar

    GP
    1,700
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    Name
    Garron Ivari Cadeyrn
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

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    Rewards Added!

    Congratulations to you both, and an added congratulations to Black Shadow for reaching Level 7!!!

    Great job guys, and thanks to you both for your participation and patience!
    "My life is simple, my food is plain, and my quarters are uncluttered. In all things, I have sought clarity. I face the troubles and problems of life and death willingly. Virtue, integrity and courage are my priorities. I can be approached, but never pushed; befriended but never coerced; killed but never shamed."

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