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Thread: Mine Folly

  1. #31
    Althanian

    EXP: 5,050, Level: 3
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    Lilthis's Avatar

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    Name
    Lilly Svalesin
    Age
    22
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    Dark Elf
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    Female
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    Alerar

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    Death is hollow, it’s void stretches endlessly while existing on no physical plane. It is ultimately a concept that has become exaggerated in an attempt to make intelligent animals feel as if they are serving a greater purpose. Or it could be the beginning of some new journey. A journey into a new plane of existence, a better place, maybe a place we all start in and like a circle we end in. We know only two things for certain about death. It is the absence of life. It is inevitable.

    As blood ceased flowing the circuits in the dark elf’s brain began to slow as well. Consciousness was long gone. If there was an afterlife Lilly had not reached it. If there was a dream state for the dead she was not there yet either. If there was nothing after death then it would be just as it was prior to Lilly’s birth. The world would continue turning, history would not know her name, and she would be unaware of the on-goings of the living.

    Fate’s wrath had proven too much for the girl and now her eternal slumber would begin. Much to the dismay of Yvonne.

    As the hybrid cursed fate, spat in his ugly face, the dark elf remained lifeless. It was not until all hope seemed lost that something began to awaken inside of the diminutive halfling. Colors and energies swirled and entered into the slate skinned elf, slowly restoring blood flow, energizing organs, and kickstarting brain activity. Lilly stayed motionless for a time, she stayed absent from the realm of the living.

    Then suddenly, she awoke inside her mind. It was all black initially. Her insides were screaming in agony as they recovered from the pain of organ shutdown. But from the black inside her head a shape emerged. She recognized it instantly as the small elf, Yvonne, that she had travelled with. Her new friend was accompanied by a soothing of lights that granted warmth and clarity. Threads of colorful rays spread through Lilly’s mind, painting the dark walls with fluorescent lighting.

    Lilly’s heart had settled to a slow pace but was now accelerating more and more with each passing second. The spinning lights and vibrant colors in her head faded
    out as her charcoal eyelids cracked open to allow the wonders of the living world to return. Her lips parted finally and she took a giant gasp for air. Sprinting painfully through her lungs was fresh oxygen as her body had just been summoned back into use. For now though the stinging was worth it, serving as a reminder that Lilly was not absent. She was alive. Somehow she had been permitted to remain among the living.

    Right as her hearing returned the young woman was alerted to the yelp of a certain drow-dwarf as she and the water became acquainted. For a moment the dark elf considered doing nothing. She felt weak after her ordeal, she was confused, and unsure what was even going on. Lilly’s head was splitting, a headache so great that her vision was blurred and her stomach a bit nauseous. The room felt like it was being tossed around in a circle as her arms and legs were numbed. Moving her fingers felt unpleasant as the poison of the staff was still being dispelled. Yes, a part of her wanted to lay there and fall asleep, rest until she did not feel so terrible.

    But then the splash of water was fully understood as she remember that her friend could not swim! Meandering to her feet slowly Lilly tried to take one step before falling forward. Impacting with the floor was not a pleasant feeling but she was a bit closer to the cave pond now and only suffered a few minor scrapes on her knees and wrists. She reached out an arm in front of her and used an elbow to drag herself a bit closer to the water’s edge.

    Once arriving to the precipice of the rippling lake she extended an arm forward for the mixed breed to grab ahold of. Though she was not capable of much in her weakened state she was determined to help the halfling and at the very least she could use her body as an anchor. Softly she cried out, “what happened? Grab hold.”

    Descending into the water her hand dipped out towards Yvonne, hoping to assist. The coolness of the cave’s water felt luxurious on her blackened skin and her body tensed up a bit as she anticipated the grab of her tiny friend. Lilly rested her chin on the ground and her pale blue eyes began to liquify as her mind was processing what may have just happened to her. Maybe she had just bumped her head. Maybe she fainted.

    That must be it, a bit of dizziness followed by a quick lapse in consciousness. Surely I did not... die. If I had died I wouldn’t be here right now. Yes, I must’ve fainted.

    Lilly laid there, waiting for the half dwarf to come ashore. She wanted to be close to someone else for now. She wanted the smaller elf to confirm it was not what she was fearing. She wanted her head to stop pounding and her limbs to regain feeling. She wanted to get out of this wretched cave.
    Last edited by Lilthis; 05-17-2018 at 02:42 PM.

  2. #32
    Senior Member

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    Yvonne's Avatar

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    Name
    Yvonne Mythrilmantle
    Age
    21
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    Grey Dwarf
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    Alerar

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    A small splash, a rippling disturbance through the pond and a little black hand poked up through the water’s surface. Fingers fully extended, reaching, finding Lilly. The half-and-halfling could scarcely see through the dark water - she’d splashed herself in the face as she struggled to keep her head above the surface, so her vision was distorted. Clasping to her companion’s arm the tension throughout her own relaxed, a calm befalling the submerged mage.

    With a meek pull at Lillian’s elbow, considerate of her friend’s well being more so than her own, Yvonne made her way to the edge of the pond. Also grabbing onto the dry stone she lifted herself out, dripping all over, cold and wet as expected. Taking a deep breath and holding it, to settle her nerves of the chilly surprise, she exhaled fully to the very bottom of her lungs. Inhaling another tip-top breath she let it out much quicker, feeling better already.

    “So happy yer okay. So happy!” Yvonne blurted out, her breathing still a bit unsteady. “I thought ye were done for. Ye were tha picture of health one minute and tha next ye-- ye--” she tried, failed, couldn’t finish her sentence. She shook her head instead, her lip quivering uncontrollably. The drow-dwarf would’ve cried again but there weren’t any tears left to give, her eyes swollen and puffy from earlier emotion. A head shake conveyed her message adequately however - Lilly would gather all she felt and understood, filling in the blanks remaining.

    Yvonne would have hugged the weakened dark elf but the little one was dripping. That would make her colder and Lilly didn’t need to be shivering after a close-shave with never ending darkness. No, Yvonne simply sat right beside her and pooled a puddle in her general direction. She needed something else to warm them both up, but how could she do that without first heading back to town? It wasn’t like there were any sticks down here, excluding that horrible necromantic death-stick of course.

    “Would ye like some tea sweetheart? Help ye recover yer energy, warm ye up a bit and then we can be heading back,” Yvonne offered, thinking she had everything necessary to improvise some either tucked away in her backpack or here in the flooded mine shaft. Though they’d each be sipping it from her trusty cooking pot - the very same she’d considered leaving behind in her room at the Graceful Bark.

    The moral of the story; never go anywhere without yer cooking pot kids.
    Last edited by Yvonne; 05-18-2018 at 10:15 PM.
    So I’m cutting that branch off the cherry tree.
    Singing this will be my victory.
    Then I, I see them coming after me.
    And they’re following me across the sea.
    And now they’re stinging my friends and my family.
    And I, I don’t know why this is happening.
    ~ Thrice, Black Honey.

  3. #33
    Althanian

    EXP: 5,050, Level: 3
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    Lilthis's Avatar

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    2,605

    Name
    Lilly Svalesin
    Age
    22
    Race
    Dark Elf
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    Female
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    Alerar

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    So it was true. She had nearly met her end. She didn’t want to think about that right now. Lilly would have plenty of time to contemplate her near-death, try to understand how she had avoided it, and decide how best to tackle future endeavors involving magic she did not understand.

    For now she wanted to spend a few minutes talking to her new friend. Discussing their lives and trying to make light of the situation that had just transpired. Try to recharge before returning to the safety of Stonevale. Try and forget what just happened, if only for a moment.

    Smiling, the dark elf answered, “some tea would be very nice.”

  4. #34
    Legend

    EXP: 127,650, Level: 15
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    Level completed: 55%,
    EXP required for next Level: 7,350


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    14,025

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
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    Female (+ Male)
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    Corone

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    Thread Title: Thread Link
    Judgment Type: Full Rubric
    Participants: Lilthis and Yvonne


    Plot: 18/30

    Story- 7/10

    On first reading this piece, it flows well and has a strong major storyline, which does build and focuses around the staff and the growing friendship of the grey dwarf and the drow; though the latter does seem to be the central focus for the thread. Perhaps in some way it would have been good to see them getting on with the action of finding the staff sooner, as it was so pressed as a subject in the first post, but the build of the friendship is strong in itself. When you get to the mine in post 23 action begins to pick up and from here the story has some great development, mythos made and some moments when the reader was captive. The best moment was when Lillith made the realisation about what the staff’s power and potential was, and the emotions were high here. You finish off well also, on a light note, with potential for more writing together.


    Setting- 6/10
    Setting was given bare bones, and this was good when giving a basic idea of the town itself, and there were some strong parts when discussing the people around it. However, it would have been good to see some more development here before the main body of the action took off. You do have some good development at the night when they finally step out of the Graceful Bark to get on with the quest. The description of the mine itself is brief and could have had some more development as the journey into it went on, but you do set a good essential idea of what it looks like. There were some great moments here, and there is room for experimenting.


    Pacing- 5/10
    All in all, you have a good story, but the pacing is a little fast at the start, not allowing enough time to build the setting. Lilthis, I would maybe consider of having the journey on the Interloper having a little longer and dedicating a whole post to it, to properly set the scene. The jump to the pub within the same post does not quite flow well. There is too much jump, and presumption: “And with that the bar maid began helping with other customers.” There is also some jarring when you write in the times of each other’s posts. Saying this, when you get to post 10 things do ease out and pacing becomes a lot more regular. When you get into the meat of the action, it begins to flow well, and the rest of the piece has excellent rise and fall with the action, alongside slowing with the contemplative parts. Just have a look to extend some of the parts that have some of the most tension in them, such as the paragraph beginning, “A slab of the wall descended… “in post 25 where you have the potential to have some great build up of pacing, and odd endings like, post 30 with “The breath scared the living daylights out of Yvonne who jumped back-- and fell in the pond! The drow-dwarf mixed breed let out a squeal and caused a loud splash.” This here could have been more powerful and was a slam-dunk flat end after all the power of the post itself. In general advice here would be to consider how many posts you will spend on certain parts and build a plan before you start writing.


    Character: 18/30

    Communication- 7/10

    Yvonne has a great accent that does not f6lter or drop, and even comes into her internal thoughts. It extends to explaining herself somewhat - “A bright enough light might blind me” in post 18, that adds to the understanding of the character. Lilthis has a less defined accent but does show personality through what she says such as, “if you touch me again with that grubby little hand I’ll remove it,” in post 15, when trying to rid herself of advances. When you also have the conversation of the fact Yvonne has magic and magic in general, there is a good amount of consideration for each other that was developed well because of their night of conversation. There is relaxation in the friendship developing. Overall communication is strong, though on balance there were moments where it dominated a little too much and seemed to be there just to be there and did not build anything into plot or character. This would be something to think about as you develop a little more, but some great moments here.


    Action-6/10

    You have some great little snippets of action, such as Lilly in post one doing, “Lilly scratched at her right ear before replying”. These can add to character, although the best writing will in general try to make them meaningful and powerful, adding to the story as well as developing the character. Some of them are hilarious, such as the small internal conversation over the fork, and the discussions of both characters therein. Sections such as just looking over the village at night add to the atmosphere and the shape of these characters. There is also some good effort made when adding to the personality and backgrounds of the two girls as they discuss Lilthis’ glove, and when Yvonne needs to massage her head as a cause of the bright light. Action within the mine itself was well written, and though it was not as individual for the characters as in their conversation section, it still had meaning.


    Persona- 6/10
    Some great lines of persona can be seen here, with little descriptions adding to your character. Yvonne your best ones are in the inclusion of internal thought – Yvonne talking to herself, encouraging and talking herself down - as well as some small comments such as “(with whom she was on good terms)” that put a personal voice into your pieces. Post 12 is also an excellent piece in opening about Yvonne and her life back home. Lilthis has a powerful sense of personality when you write her posts, that do get stronger as the thread goes on. An example is: “Where is this council of ladies who decided what is and is not ‘proper.’” – post 3. Note: this only gets better as you mention the ladylike qualities of her, such as the details with the fork. She also has some internal thought, though this is set out like normal dialogue and so you might want to set this out, so it looks different. Overall persona is touched on but could be developed for both of you. Try to think of how you want your character to be defined, and create a central ‘voice’ for your character in what you write, as this does vary somewhat.


    Prose: 17/30

    Mechanics- 6/10

    Lilthis you have a bit of trouble with correct speech patterns, with two characters speaking in the same paragraph. Strictly speaking, in terms of technique each character should have their own paragraph. See post 1 as an example of this. There are also some spelling mistakes in the piece such as post 15 where “scrapped” should be “scraped” and “breath” should be “breathe” in post 29. A brief read through before submitting for judgement can help here. An option if you are wanting to improve is to make sure also to spell some words, such as “okay” rather than “ok” as this looks more professional, but this is more of an option than anything. Aside from these points, however, your mechanics is there.


    Clarity- 5/10
    There are a few problems with clarity at the start of the thread, when understanding the interaction between the two characters. You do set it out fine, with a clear indication of the central topic of the thread (the staff itself, and this is done well with the small intro by Lilthis’ first post). However, clarity is lost quickly when lines of dialogue come around posts 5 and 6, where a small amount of back reading is done – namely in the conversation when they are discussing what Yvonne is, and not directly answering each other’s questions. This seems to be part of an issue that you are writing about what happens at the start of each other’s posts and overlapping time scopes, where more successfully it would flow if you eased this a little better. Saying this, things become a lot clearer when you write with less dialogue and let the action carry the story instead. Clarity is fine in the mine itself, and there was no problem in understanding what was happening here.


    Technique- 6/10
    There are some nice little gems of description in this piece, such as Yvonne with, “illuminating a room kept dim” in post two. This has a nice poetic rhythm to it and brings life to the scenery. Some snippets of technique are seen – I saw some nice moments of alliteration (“dread and dismay” in post 2). Lilthis you have some amazing moments too with, “Vibrant savory flavors of tender fowl” in post 11 where the reader can taste the food themselves almost. Some great moments of humour and uses of simile exist also, such as in post 24 as, “This place was so abandoned even a spider had left its web behind, to collect dust particles.” Some of the word choice did not quite work with the rest of the piece, such as, “tiny, itty bitty” in post 26 where the rest of the language is strong and less colloquial. The end of post 30 is also very flat in terms of tone and had a great build but suddenly died in tension, whereas could have written stronger. Overall though you have some strong starts at being amazing writers of technique and ways to improve would be to explore imagery and word choice.


    Wildcard: 6/10
    Just going to say – I darn love Dorothy. She is awesome, and I love the way she interacts with the girls and her personality is awesome. She is developed well as a secondary character.


    Final Score: 59/100

    Lilthis receives:

    1385 EXP!
    210 GP!

    Yvonne receives:

    1665 EXP!
    210 GP!



    Congratulations!

    If you have any questions, feel free to pop me a PM or find me on discord.

    “..There were two undeniable truths in the Realms: It was very easy to overestimate a drow and even easier to underestimate a dwarf.”
    ― R.A. Salvatore, Maestro
    Last edited by Philomel; 06-17-2018 at 03:03 PM.
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

  5. #35
    Legend

    EXP: 127,650, Level: 15
    Level completed: 55%, EXP required for next Level: 7,350
    Level completed: 55%,
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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
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    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
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    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

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    All rewards have been added.
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

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