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  1. #11
    Member

    EXP: 6,102, Level: 3
    Level completed: 28%, EXP required for next Level: 2,898
    Level completed: 28%,
    EXP required for next Level: 2,898


    Morus's Avatar

    GP
    999

    Name
    Morus
    Age
    15
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

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    As the demon approached him, Morus' could almost taste the dejection on his lips. He had failed to cause much harm to his opponent, he had failed to put up even a halfway decent fight, and worst of all, he had failed to die with what little dignity his life had to offer. Hell ever after awaited him when he turned eighteen, and his goal of feeling spike through flesh and pain unending melted away to the humiliation of his weakness. Perhaps it was a hell of its own kind, but not really one that would steel him for his fate. His opponent offered platitudes, but the boy would hear none of it. The words of warriors honored a cult of heroism that he never understood, despite the fact that both they and he seemed to so recklessly seek death.

    Again Morus felt a fist against his head, and this time he sent his whole world to a dizzying black. His unconscious form fell into the reflecting pool behind him, were his last thoughts were a desperate need for breath, until there was nothing left to think.

    ***

    He awoke what seemed hours later on a cold marble slab. His clothes were still damp from when he fell, and fresh bandages adorned the sore spots on his head and chest. Fussing about him was the same portly monk from earlier, who fiddled with a concoction inside a mortar and pestle. He turned to Morus as he felt him stir, and applied more of a strange smelling substance over the bandages.

    “You're lucky, you know,” the monk said half-looking at the boy. “Your opponent went easier on you in there than many would do in his place. Even pulled you out of that pool before your could drown.”

    Morus tried to sit up, but could only manage to get halfway. His body was still sore, and the room he was treated in stank so badly of incense that he felt sick to his stomach. He sighed a little, and tried to shoo away the monk's hand, only to be rebuked by a slight slap and a tightened bandage.

    “I don't feel so lucky,” the boy moaned. He rested one hand on his head, trying to block out the flickering candlelight that surrounded him.

    “Why do you seek death so?” The monk stopped what he was doing to stare down the boy.

    “Forgive my impertinence at an impermanent death,” Morus sassed back, but he could see the monk wasn't moved one way or another by his words.

    “Death here may not be permanent,” he began, walking over to a bowl of water to wash his hands. “But the memories of it sure are. You might not count yourself lucky, but I envy you.” He finished washing and dried himself on a nearby towel. “You should be able to find your way out when you are able.”

    With that the monk left, leaving the boy alone with his thoughts. He curled up against his knees as best he could, and felt again the sting of a tear begin to form in his eye.

  2. #12
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
    Level completed: 13%, EXP required for next Level: 8,780
    Level completed: 13%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,780


    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

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    After he'd gone out of his way to pull that kid out of the pool, the battle was over.

    Nosdyn caught his breath at that point...he was breathing heavy. When the monks showed up and reverted the chamber to it's normal state the portly fellow from before walked up to him. Nosdyn nodded towards the monk for a moment or two.

    "Your leg is wounded." The monk said.

    "I know." Nosdyn said in response. "I'll have your healers fix me up."

    "What were you trying to prove?" The monk suddenly asked.

    "That I could show mercy to someone." It was a profound statement. The healers carried the boy, Morus off to the infirmary to begin their work on him. Nosdyn sighed. He felt a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

    "Why are you having such a change of heart? I thought all your kind was ruthless." The monk walked alongside Nosdyn as he walked to he healer's area.

    "...It's difficult to explain." Nosdyn began as he limped alongside the monk. "My time in Stonevale has influenced me a great deal. I have regained my sense of honour and duty." Nosdyn said very carefully, he did not want to reveal too much though. Stonevale has changed me... He thought to himself.

    The monk nodded as he heard what Nosdyn was saying. "Stonevale can have that effect on folks. I've heard stories of that though."

    "I was searching for a purpose when I had none." Nosdyn said carefully. "Stonevale provided me with that purpose. For the first time in my life I felt like I could call someplace home, and have someone to fight for." Nosdyn was searching for something for a long time. Answers perhaps, but it was something nonetheless. "Monk. Thank you for giving me this chance to prove myself."

    "I've done nothing. However I am glad that Stonevale has given you a purpose." The monk said. "We will need strong warriors like yourself in the coming days." The monk said.

    "Monk. I had something I wanted to ask you." Nosdyn said out of the blue.

    "What's that?" The monk asked in return.

    "Is there really salvation for those like me?" The demon suddenly asked.

    "There is always hope." The monk responded. "When you have healed from your injuries seek me out again and I will explain to you a story I heard from my grandfather one time. It was about the old Ixian Knights." The monk said with a small hint of pride in his eyes.

    Nosdyn nodded. "The Knights...I have heard of them and their teachings. Very well. When the time is right I will ask you again about them." Nosdyn sat down on a bed in the healing ward. He was tired, but he felt better than he had in a long time. As if he were waking up form a long nightmare. The healers began their work on his leg, and what other injuries he'd received. Much to Nosdyn's surprise the limp that Morus caused would become permanent. The nurse explained that but worked on his leg anyway...Nosdyn closed his eyes and went to sleep.

  3. #13
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Thread Title: Palliative Care (Battle)
    Judgment Type: Full Rubric
    Participants: Morus vs Nosdyn

    Current Music: Paper Girl by July Talk

    Alright! In Palliative Care we saw Morus repping the red corner, in a bit of a physical mismatch against Nosdyn, who was ballin' in the blue corner. Both combatants entered this battle with fairly unorthodox motivations, and as a result the fight itself was fairly unusual. Not boring, but far from being a barn-burner. My favorite takeaways were Morus' use of setting and Nosdyn's use of communication.

    Plot: 19/30 ~ 14/30

    Story- 6/10 ~ 5/10

    Morus got off to a fast start here, going dark and deep with the backstory of a teenager who knows he will die upon reaching adulthood. In the end, this backstory didn't stay especially strong throughout the battle (though it was touched on a few times), however it did definitely did tie me to the character and provide an appropriate context for his choices. Nosdyn's backstory was a little thinner; I understood that he had traveled from Stonevale and that certain events there had changed him significantly, but the details of that rebirth were never really explored. Both of you can improve by situating the character more clearly in the overall arc of their story, and paying more attention to the way specific events in their past shape their present.

    Setting- 7/10 ~ 4/10

    Morus, you had an interesting take on the Citadel; it wasn't entirely unique or anything I hadn't seen before, but it still had enough personal details involved to make it yours. Things like the engravings on the doorway and the incense burning in the medical chamber helped to bring the Citadel to life and build a mental image that wasn't stark or bland. You also showed a strong knack for scene composition, choosing to show just the right amounts of what happened to give me a decent picture of the building, without actually starting outside it and describing the whole thing. You also kept the setting fairly consistent, and your character employed it in realistic ways. To improve here I recommend more careful word choice, which may require some extra re-reading/editing, and the implementation of more metaphors, as the ones you used were quite nice.

    Nosdyn, your use of setting wasn't particularly strong, in fact you barely paid any attention to it at all. You mostly kept things consistent, but at one point it seemed like Nosdyn literally teleported from the battle chamber to the medical chamber. To improve here I recommend thinking about the unique ways in which your character would a) notice things about the setting and b) change things about the setting. For example, look at the way Morus interacted with it. He rinsed his face in the pool (and almost drowned in it), he weaponized the sand, and he had his blood bead in it. Really think about how the environment would influence your character, and vice versa, and get into expressing that.

    Pacing- 6/10 ~ 5/10

    There isn't a tremendous amount to say about the pacing in this battle. You both played it safe, and aside from Nosdyn's sudden jump to the medic chamber at the end, you pretty much succeeded at keeping the pacing appropriate for a battle. However, at no point was I on the edge of my seat, and there wasn't a whole lot of overall tension, mostly because of a lack of stakes. Morus (the character) went into the battle expecting and even hoping to lose, and Nosdyn (the character) went in with almost no chance of defeat, so it's not surprising things tuned out a little boring.

    Character: 18/30 ~ 16/30

    Communication- 5/10 ~ 6/10

    Nosdyn had some good moments in the communication department, using dialogue to build up his backstory and character. Morus also started off fairly strong, beginning with a piece of dialogue from the monk which was very telling. However, a lot of Morus' dialogue felt very cliche, especially the line "“I do not bow, or bend,” he shot back. Only break." (And this is coming from someone who frequently gets dinged for cliche dialogue). Overall I think you can both find more ways to bring out your characters with their words. And Nosdyn, please stop writing all dialogue in bold, it hurts the poor judge's eyes.

    Action- 6/10 ~ 4/10

    Nosdyn, I found your method of having your character "tank" the telekinetic pushes to be fairly unfair. I wouldn't go so far as to call it powergaming, but his response to the push (which was well described by Morus) seemed fairly unrealistic on both occasions. Other than that, while your action rang true to character, it really didn't help to maintain my interest or keep things moving. Nosdyn (the character) basically took out his sword, punched a kid, put the sword away, and then punched the kid a couple more times, and in the process he seemed to take almost no damage (despite the fact he did actually take damage). Regardless of how strong your character's endurance is, you should still play out some response to the enemy's attacks.

    Morus, your action was solid but never truly impressed me. I liked the decisions Morus (the character) made, but I felt like he took too long to make them, and some of your posts may have lasted longer ICly than is technically fair for your opponent. I wouldn't go so far as to call it bunnying, but definitely something to think about for future battles. To improve, think about tightening up your action descriptions and keeping them as clear as possible.

    Persona- 7/10 ~ 6/10

    Both characters had discernible personas that developed over the course of the thread, in keeping with its events and their history. Morus had a stronger narrative voice, which is really what got him the edge here. This is always a tricky place to give advice, but I guess I'd say keep learning more about your characters and keep developing them, good work.

    Prose: 18/30 ~ 18/30

    Mechanics- 4/10 ~ 6/10

    Morus, all I can say is you really need to do some proofreading. I caught a ton of mechanical errors in your posts and I don't think any of them are outside your skill set to fix. Actually there was one that maybe you don't know - in post 1 you wrote that Morus "clamored" to his feet - the word you want here is clambered. Clamor is noise, clamber is climb. Other than that, I think you just need to put in some time re-reading your posts for spelling and grammar.

    Nosdyn, I noticed far fewer errors in your posts, there were still some but you're improving in this area. Keep working at it, and remember you don't need to capitalize things like "Demon," "Monk", and "Mortal".

    Clarity- 7/10 ~ 6/10

    This was a very straightforward battle, and it really only had a couple sticky points where I had to go back and re-read (the main one being Nosdyn's jump to the medic chamber). Good work from both of you, keep at it.

    Technique- 7/10 ~ 6/10

    I saw some nice instances of literary devices from both of you - Nosdyn had one about the combat platform protesting the warriors that caught my eye, and Morus had a really nice one about the moon reflecting in the water. As above, good job, keep working at it to improve.

    Wildcard: 6/10 ~ 6/10

    Far from the most exciting battle I've ever read, but also far from the most boring, and an entertaining look at two interesting characters. Well done!

    Final Score: 61/100 ~ 54/100

    Morus Wins!

    Morus receives 1110 EXP and 74 GP!

    Nosdyn receives 300 EXP and 66 GP!

    Congratulations!
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


  4. #14
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    All rewards added.
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


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