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  1. #41
    Legend

    EXP: 59,606, Level: 10
    Level completed: 51%, EXP required for next Level: 5,394
    Level completed: 51%,
    EXP required for next Level: 5,394


    Stare's Avatar

    GP
    150

    Name
    Avis Tsakaka
    Age
    16
    Race
    Kenku / Tengu
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone
    Wrapping her clawed hand around his, Stare led Nosdyn from the burning horror. Both of dropping with blood that was not their own, sprinkled with ash from fires they had started, the two of them got on their waiting mounts From there they rode like savage warriors through the streets, deliberately taking wrong routes to confuse those who may be already suspicious.

    Eventually they got back to the house, sneaking in around the back, taking the horses by a back gate that no one but the cook used. It was night now, and it would take the city just until early morning to become alive with rumours. It was better to seem asleep and unknowing. Therefore Stare stabled the stallions herself before leading Nosdyn upstairs. She quietly showed him a room, then bid him good night before heading to her own.

    She refused to look back. She had seen his intense stare, and she knew what instincts were driving him. But this night, this time ... She couldn't. Not without talking to Vitruvion first, however ridiculous it sounded.

    Therefore she washed roughly and curled up under her soft covers and blankets.

    ---

    Clunk.

    "Here," said the god quietly, placing the bag of money before the demon.

    Heavy sounding the bag was a blue velvet, with draw strings. It was pristine, as if bought just fit this occasion. Vitruvion kept his eyes glued to the bag for some time before lifting his eyes back up to meet Nosdyn's.

    "Three thousand gold. Should be sufficient."

    Stare's brow rose. Certainly it was a generous amount, and an outrageous offer seeing as he had shown such dislike towards the demon earlier. But the morning had come, and no connection between the terrors of the night at the Heysan estate and the Elssmith enterprises had been made. Instead the rumours spoke of a demon that had come seeking ancient revenge for secret crimes.

    "You did well," Vitruvion admitted as he stood opposite both of them, across the desk in the library where they were gathered.

    "The inner city offices shouldn't take long to sort out," Stare said quietly.

    Her master nodded in agreement. "I would think so." He paused. "Now that this has concluded, however, it is right that we let you do, demon. Is this enough money? And will you entirely lose your memory when you are released from my kenku's service?"
    Crows: Old nursery rhyme "One for sorrow, Two for mirth, Three for a funeral, Four for birth, Five for heaven, Six for hell, Seven for the devil, his own self."

  2. #42
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
    Level completed: 13%, EXP required for next Level: 8,780
    Level completed: 13%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,780


    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

    View Profile
    Nosdyn carefully looked at Vitruvion and considered what the man was saying.

    For Demons contracts were a binding for of servitude...but was that really so bad? If he releases me...I won't remember anything. Won't be able to defend myself if they come after me for lack of memories...that won't do. Nosdyn thought long and hard, and an idea crossed his mind. Is a life of servitude really that bad...? After a long, deliberate ten minutes of silence passed. Nosdyn suddenly looked right into Vitruvion's eyes. The god that slept within mortal flesh.

    "I have a different proposal." Nosdyn suddenly said out loud. "If you release me...I won't remember a thing. BUT. I propose that you keep me bound. I rather enjoy working for you two anyway." The life of a soldier bound wasn't so bad. It's no different from squadron command...servitude... Nosdyn considered what he was saying very very carefully. "Keep me on the books. I will do whatever is required..." Nosdyn looked at the money pouch. "Also...keep your money...I do not need such funding. I'm more of a soldier in the ranks of my people anyway. I do what's needed." For one of the first few times since Nosdyn had been bound, The Demon sincerely smiled. It was actually quite an interesting event.

    Though he didn't always agree with how The Gods...The Thayne...did things...he found himself liking Vitrivion's agenda. It wasn't that different...from squad tactics of Tular Plains. It wasn't that different from The Overlords. Nosdyn considered what he was saying as he waited for Vitruvion and The Kenku's response. He hoped his response would be acceptable. I don't want to...forget. Nosdyn thought to himself.

  3. #43
    Legend

    EXP: 59,606, Level: 10
    Level completed: 51%, EXP required for next Level: 5,394
    Level completed: 51%,
    EXP required for next Level: 5,394


    Stare's Avatar

    GP
    150

    Name
    Avis Tsakaka
    Age
    16
    Race
    Kenku / Tengu
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone
    With hope at the request this time also coming from the demon, Stare turned and looked at Vitruvion, her eyes large and bright. In them she poured in her desire to have a friend, just a single compatriot in this world. Of course, there were people like Nevin, but she had but met him once, and once was not enough to truly be able to make the bond that she and Nosdyn had that night.

    They had killed together, brought about the destruction of a house with fire and fury and blood. There was no deeper understanding than that, where two people could come and know that both of them were as dark hearted as each other, each capable of committing murder.

    And Stare had seen Nosdyn do it with joy in his features, just the same rush of energy and excitement that she herself had known. Would always know now she was 'Stare' and not 'Avis'. By the kami, Avis had been so very, very weak, even though she was a fighter, she would never had sought to kill. Not if she had to. Stare, on the other hand ... Stare was what Vitruvion had made, what he wanted her to be. Both lady and monster when the times came, as genteel as he could be, as ruthless and merciless as he. A being full of hate, rage and horror, that had seen the deaths of her entire family.

    Quietly, Vitruvion looked back to her, one eyebrow inching up bit by bit. Her own black eyes forged a pathway into his ice blue ones, and the dead silence went on for some time. No sound, not even a creaking of the old flooboards could be heard as she begged him with no words, only her thoughts. She told him that it was his fault she was like this now, and he entirely admitted it. A sly smile told her that he was proud of what he had created within her, and that it was his right after all.

    You are, well, mine.

    And I found the answer. We have ended Heysan, she desperately went on, Nosdyn is strong, you saw what he did. Clever and a good killer. Is it really worth getting rid of him now?

    Vitruvion sucked in his breath and actually, for one of the only times, paused in his consideration. He would have shrugged were it not of a good demaneour. Looking over to Nosdyn he eyed the demon for a while and then finally, finally, nodded.

    "There are conditions to your proposal, for me to accept. First, you will tell nobody of your association with this house. I have a facade to protect, I am sure you understand. Secondly, I will not be constantly hiring you. I do not have the need, right now, for a demon constantly on my payroll, and I prefer to not have one stalking around my home. When you require work, you request it, when I need work, I will let you know and you will come. At those times, for those jobs you will be paid."

    And he is loyal. He has literally be sworn to do what I ... what I ... She could not quite finish her sentence.

    What you order him to do. Well, what I order you to order him to do.

    He paused and folded his arms. "Is that sufficient?"
    Crows: Old nursery rhyme "One for sorrow, Two for mirth, Three for a funeral, Four for birth, Five for heaven, Six for hell, Seven for the devil, his own self."

  4. #44
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
    Level completed: 13%, EXP required for next Level: 8,780
    Level completed: 13%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,780


    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

    View Profile
    Nosdyn listened to the man very VERY carefully.

    The conditions were laid down plain as day and Nosdyn understood that they would be absolute. No wiggle room, or room for error. It would be now or never. He is interested as well...in an alliance. All good things start small...but the interest is there. Nosdyn thought to himself and waited to forge the right words. They were difficult for him to express under such circumstances, but the fact remained. I...don't want to forget. Nosdyn considered for a moment longer and looked at Vitruvion dead in his eyes, without fear. He'd played The Thayne's game before...he suspected this would not be the last time The Thaynehood would see fit to use Nosdyn as a tool of war.

    He really did not mind.

    Before he knew it...

    "...I accept your terms. The conditions will suffice for the time being." It was a sincere and honest sort of request. I don't want to forget them...nor the truth. Gods walked in mortal flesh...Vitruvion was proof of that. It was clear to Nosdyn that the deity contained within mortal flesh...wanted something but was too stubborn to request that something of mortals directly. It's a game they all play...nothing more...nothing less. But it will get interesting from here on in. Nosdyn looked at Stare for a moment and then back to Vitruvion. There is something there...but I won't pry...that's not what friends do. Though a bit of a weird thing, Nosdyn did have an honour code of sorts.

    Nosdyn could only wait to see what the next step would be...but for now, he was satisfied that they would allow him to keep his memories.

    And his friend...

  5. #45
    Legend

    EXP: 59,606, Level: 10
    Level completed: 51%, EXP required for next Level: 5,394
    Level completed: 51%,
    EXP required for next Level: 5,394


    Stare's Avatar

    GP
    150

    Name
    Avis Tsakaka
    Age
    16
    Race
    Kenku / Tengu
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Corone
    Slowly, Stare walked back with him from the house. Her heart heavy she knew that this was going to be a difficult goodbye. From the time she had entered this city she had made so many few friends, and not one as strong and steadfast as with this demon in just a single few days. Breathing became sighing and she stayed quiet as they walked their way towards the central carriage station in the city, that would take Nosdyn then to the harbour, or with a horses back south to his homeland of the Tular Plains. Even Skra, the dwarf baker who had taken Stare in as his apprentice when she had first come here, could not get to the same level of friendship as she felt she had made with Nosdyn. He did not share her complete loss of family. He did not share in the racism, the confusion of people, the belittling of them, all because they were different.

    "I will miss you," she said quietly, as they approached the archway, with the words 'Grand Carriage Station' written in iron lettering, and pinned atop it in a industrial fashion. "It was good to meet someone so similar."

    She ran a hand through her feathers and paused before tapping the demon on the shoulder. Then she stepped forwards and gently hugged him - the first time she had really touched anyone, of her own choice, and in a friendly way since her promotion into life. She kept the hug there for a moment, and then stepped back to nod.

    "We will be in contact, I am sure. Vitruvion won't keep you waiting for too long ... though you have your own life to get to, and I have my promise to keep to you. As you helped us, so I will help you retrieve what was stolen." She looked down, eager for tears not to fall. So few days had it been. Maybe two at most, the hours had merged together so delicately. Pausing, she pushed a hand into a pouch at her belt and withdrew a small, purple stone. It was smooth, the colour of violets and almost perfectly round.

    "If you ever feel this heat up ... It will let you know that we need you. Also if you need me just hold it and think of our address." She looked right at him "... Goodbye, my friend," and she hugged him again.

    Then stepped away. Kenku and demon separated then, both eager for the next time their paths would cross.
    Last edited by Philomel; 12-05-2017 at 11:21 AM.
    Crows: Old nursery rhyme "One for sorrow, Two for mirth, Three for a funeral, Four for birth, Five for heaven, Six for hell, Seven for the devil, his own self."

  6. #46
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Thread Title: How to Hire a Villain
    Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
    Participants: Stare, Nosdyn

    This was an interesting thread detailing the meeting of two like-minded mercenaries, the development of a relationship between them and their patron, and the destruction of a rival lord's property. I really enjoyed the steadfast references to other characters such as Zieg and Jake by Nosdyn, and some of the pretty pieces of imagery from Stare. Overall I feel like you both have a lot you can work on improving, however, so let's move on to the scores and commentary by category.

    Plot: 13/30

    This story got off to a very slow start. What could have been a dynamic inciting incident (the blue-haired woman giving Stare control of Nosdyn) instead got stretched out to be painfully and awkwardly long. After that it felt like the story mostly consisted of talking and thinking heads until it finally picked up when the climax arrived. What you want is an inciting incident/narrative hook that really grabs the reader's attention and leaves them wanting more, followed by rising action that builds the tension until the climax. This felt more like a questionably convenient opening, followed by a lot of conversation. While the prose and conversation did provide some exposition, there was really nothing to keep a reader invested in the storytelling and anticipating what will happen next. If the most interesting thing in the beginning and middle of your story is a character's history, you definitely need to make some adjustments.

    To be more specific, I would definitely recommend a stronger element of planning for your next thread. This one felt like you agreed on a general premise and then just kind of went for it. Neither of you seemed completely comfortable bunnying the other's character, which made those instances where you did bunny fairly awkward. Ideally the introduction of the fire could have segued a lot more naturally into the meeting of the main characters, which I already mentioned felt really convenient, despite the lantern Stare tried to hang on it in post 7. Overall I felt like the middle of the story was mostly filled with exposition and memories rather than actual rising action. This is where the planning comes in; if you'd pre-planned specific things that your characters would do to advance the plot, you wouldn't have ended up with post after post of motionless conversation and memory.

    Whereas the beginning and middle (and the climax, really) felt longer than necessary, the ending felt short, almost rushed, and almost as convenient as the initial meeting. It didn't make much sense to me that two hardened killers and experienced mercenaries such as Stare and Nosdyn would become so friendly after spending what totaled maybe twenty four hours together. Yes fighting and killing together forges trust, but the way they both just decided to trust each other completely without an ounce of doubt rang really false for both of them. If you'd had a few more posts after the climax of them debriefing from the mission and getting to know each other, you could have made the friendship seem a lot more legitimate.

    Character: 12/30

    As I hinted at above, action was really the weakest element of this thread. A lot of the time the dialogue and internal monologue took place in a void where nothing was really happening. When they were expressed, actions were often awkwardly written and difficult to follow/understand. Here are a couple of examples of this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Stare Post 5
    Her claws that were not around those of the book
    This is such an awkward way of saying she used her other hand, that I had to read it several times to understand what was happening.

    Quote Originally Posted by Stare Post 5
    So she went to the front
    I had no idea what was happening until I got to the sentence after this one. Taken on its own, this phrase would seem to indicate that Stare went to the front of the bar, not flipped to the front of the book as intended.

    This is just a couple of really a lot of examples I cited in my notes of awkward or unclear action. I noticed that Nosdyn had a tendency to write really generic, non-specific actions, whereas Stare was more specific but had a tendency to get overly wordy and focus on unimportant things.

    Communication was probably this thread's most redeeming category on the rubric. The dialogue was decent and in character despite Nosdyn's tendency to say some fairly cliche things, such as telling two different people "your fate is sealed" during the climax. You also both utilized internal monologue well to provide backstory and flesh out your characters. The personas of the main characters felt fairly weak and inconsistent. To relate back to something I said earlier, it seemed like you just decided that your characters would become friends in this thread and didn't bother so much with planning out the how. The result was that the relationship kind of got shoehorned in, and both protagonists seemed to come across their feelings of trust and friendship far too easily.

    Prose: 13/30

    The commentary I have for the two of you in this section is fairly different, so I'm splitting it up.

    Nosdyn: You have some serious mechanical issues to address. Luckily, it isn't anything complex. The biggest error which I noticed the most often was your overuse of capitalization. Words such as human, hume, demon, fate, master, the, and many others, do not require capitalization. It often felt like you had a needless capital in every other sentence. I would also recommend that you stop putting all of your dialogue in bold. At first this makes it seem like everything is being shouted, and then as I got used to it it just became annoying. The truth is, by putting all of your dialogue in bold you are really giving your writing a handicap, because you take away all the effectiveness of bold font. If you only used it sparingly, it would actually serve the purpose of pointing out certain words, and have an impact on the reader. I also encourage you to use more specifics in your writing. A lot of the time you tend to be extremely generic, saying things like "Nosdyn swung toward the human" or just repeating over and over that he has a brilliant strategic mind without providing any examples of brilliant strategy. Being more specific about these kinds of things would really help your writing be more grounded in character, and help it to become more cohesive overall.

    Stare: I noticed a very large number of small errors in your posts. Typos, missing words, homonym confusion, and phrase repetition all really serve to slow down and even stop a reader, so I would strongly recommend that you start giving your work an extra editing pass, preferably reading out loud to yourself. Overall I think the most glaring weakness in your writing is your wordiness, which is a shame because it tends to get in the way of everything else. You really overuse words like beautiful, gorgeous, and handsome in your writing. These words are often meaningless to the reader because it tells them nothing except that your character is attracted to the person/thing she's describing. Being more specific such as saying "a handsome jawline" or "beautiful slender legs" really throws the reader a bone for two reasons; it gives them something to envision, and it lets them know WHAT your character finds attractive. Here's another example of one of these words being overused:

    Quote Originally Posted by Stare Post 23
    pies and pastries with curls of steam that wafted the gorgeous and tasteful scents towards them
    The word "gorgeous" adds nothing to this sentence, in fact it takes away from it because all the other words are much more meaningful. You have some beautiful instances of imagery in your writing, but these were very frequently obscured by the thickness of the writing around them.

    Wildcard: 6/10

    I commend you both for putting in the effort of finishing such a long thread. However, I think there is lots of room for improvement, and the path to it lies through better planning and proofreading.

    Final Score: 44/100

    Stare receives: 2294 EXP and 89 GP! (Stare's GP used to pay for Nosdyn's spoil as requested)

    Nosdyn receives: 1550 EXP and 194 GP, and the following spoil: Violet Marble: A marble that acts as a communication device between Stare and Nosdyn. If Nosdyn holds it then he can talk to her mentally. It will heat up if she/Vitruvion wants to talk to him to a mellow temperature. Stare can reach out and try to touch the marble, but it will only work if held.

    Philomel pays 4 AP for the judgment as requested.

    Congratulations!
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


  7. #47
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Rewards added and AP deducted.
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


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