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  1. #11
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

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    Judgment


    Story: 16/30

    This thread wrong-footed me from the start. It began in quite a gripping way as Madison fails an un-named experiment and blows herself to kingdom come. At this point, I expected some focus on the experiment itself – what was it and why had it failed? – assuming that the thread’s plot would follow that line of enquiry.

    We are then treated to the unexpected arrival of Dalton. At this point I had raised several questions. If no-one was supposed to know where Madison was living, why is there a resume with an address on? Where did Dalton disappear to when Madison woke up the following morning after recovering from her wounds in post five? What are these five experiments that have failed, and what significance did they present to the plot?

    These questions, of course, got answered for the most part (except Dalton temporarily disappearing in post three). I want you to know that I simply loved the way that you lead your reader from an uncertain start to the revelation in post nine, where it was revealed that Pode’s absence from Madison’s soul is responsible for her persistent failings in the lab. That was a well thought through twist. I also quite enjoyed these revelations from Victor Markov about charting people’s development by providing religious stories to fuel them:

    “Pantheon Solutions, Ltd. The continuation of the betterment of human- and humanoid-kind through synergistic, faith-based methods. It's a lot simpler than all those froufrou words make it out to be. Our mission, simply put, is to help chart a course for aimless, wandering peoples throughout the universe. We provide them with the information required to further develop their position in the world, and provide the necessary stories and distractions for them to explain the whys.”

    I looked up from a charcoal drawing of a man in the clouds, pointing a trident as an army charged underneath. “Stories and distractions, like gods.”

    Markov nodded. “Information is easier for people to accept and disseminate when they believe it comes from a higher power.”
    I do, however, have a gripe. One thing that stuck in my craw quite a lot of the way through this was that you often used “real world” entities, such as limited companies, resumes, futuristic style offices etc in a fantasy world setting. This was amplified especially by your first person style, where your words are giving credence to the existence of those terms in a world where they shouldn’t exist (resumes perhaps might, but not limited companies).

    You may be wondering why these seemingly harmless things would seem so ludicrously out of place in a world which seems to accept a living tank with psychic power, or time travellers, and you may have a point if we were playing devil’s advocate. To me, though, so much about Madison Freebird and your writing style before has been about adhering to this fantasy setting we are in and really bringing out the best in it. I can’t look past it and as something that impacted negatively on your score I would advise making sure you are tailoring your style to adapt to the setting you are writing in and for.


    Character: 21/30

    In terms of personality, we begin by seeing the traditional Madison, albeit at a low point in her scientific career. As the thread progresses, everything becomes clear when it is pointed out to her that Pode’s power no longer exists within her. As the reasons for her scientific failures becomes apparent, you can almost feel Madison’s memories and thoughts begin to swarm back, but the suppression field manages to keep those in check. You do well to convey to the reader that the suppression field is the thing responsible for her unusual levels of restraint, and that otherwise she would be reverting to type, so to speak.

    With persona and communication the internal struggles of Madison are particularly powerful. She simply cannot understand why she is failing, being so used to success in her chosen field, and though she receives initial support from Hyperion it isn’t enough to lift her. There was a tremendous crescendo at the end of the thread when she was offered the position of “goddess”, which once again brought out the best in her and began to show her more sadistic side.

    Hyperion comes across as the type of person I would expect Madison to hate; the goody-two shoes, “Be Everyone’s Friend” (as you put it) stereotype that you find all too often on RP sites. Their friendship is an odd one, but the contrast between the two characters is good and both Madison and Hyperion managed to stay consistent with what I would expect from them. This also applies to Dalton, who played the role of a stereotypical sales pitcher and filled his role well.

    This wasn’t an action packed thread; the explosion and failed experiment in post one really the only “excitable” moment, but everything that happened made sense when context was provided later down the line. Madison’s injuries and healing were in line with their respective incidents and abilities, and once Dalton and Pantheon’s roles were elaborated on, a lot more made sense about the actions they were taking.


    Prose: 22/30

    This is likely to be the shortest section of feedback. As with most threads I have read of yours, there is a certain flair to your technique that makes events in this story both easy to follow and enjoyable to read. The advantage of the first person style is that it really does put the reader in your shoes, or in this case Madison’s, and allows them to feel and think the way your character does. In this, you do extremely well. Never was I bored, or finding myself skimming over blocky paragraphs. Sentence structure was good and term repetition was kept to the bare minimum.

    Mechanically speaking, it wasn’t a perfect showing but it was otherwise sound. I came across a pair of incorrectly closed italic tags in post two, and word repetition (“and and”) in post six. These are issues that can be ironed out with a simple glance over in a spellchecker. Given your command of the English language, I know these are just oversights, but unfortunately do affect the scoring.

    Clarity was excellent. There was very, very little I didn’t understand that wasn’t answered by the close of the thread. Your use of language meant that I was never really in any doubt as to what was happening and why. Great job.


    Wildcard: 7/10

    There are a few aspects to your writing that I simply love. Your use of dark humor is one of them along with your ability to make a real impact with the timing and delivery of your plot twists. I'm giving special mention to the metaphor "leaving a trail of ash and dark sticky liquid behind me like the world's saddest mutated slug" from post two, which is world class for the humor and the Pode revelation for the twist. Good work.


    Final score: 66

    Congratulations!

    Briarheart receives 5815 EXP and 390 GP!

    These rewards are inclusive of Althanas Day 3x bonuses!

  2. #12
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    All rewards added!

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