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Thread: Workshop: Where Rabbits Dance and Foxes Die

  1. #1
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    Level completed: 36%,
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    Rayleigh's Avatar

    Rayleigh Aston
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    Workshop: Where Rabbits Dance and Foxes Die

    Name of Completed Thread: Where Rabbits Dance and Foxes Die
    Name of Authors: Philomel
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 17 posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 28th February 2017

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  2. #2
    EXP: 8,353, Level: 3
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    Level completed: 84%,
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    jdd2035's Avatar

    Captain Cain Jodin
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    Storytelling: (8 Points) Phil I like the style of story telling you have here. There is definitely a air of mystique to the red forest and the creature that was being hunted. Further the description of Philomel's abilities manifesting is really good. I can not complain about your form of story telling it is well thought out and gives me a sense of whats going on in a fast concise way.

    Setting: (8 Points) This is no Disney movie...Except for maybe Sleeping Beauty or the Black Cauldron. The description of the red forest's current "spiritual conflict" between
    bloody decay and goodness attempting to sneak through.
    You described the geography quite well and geography in any action scene is really important. If you do not establish where every one and every thing is then when you describe any sort of action it kind of make the audience frustrated as they try to figure out where the attacks are coming from. In short if you don'e establish the geography the reader can easily say "WTF is going on yo?!"

    Pacing: (8 Points) You started off slow but then so does a train, though if I were to describe your pace in a runners term your story wound up running at about a 5K pace. Not too fast, not too slow but fast enough for a reader to enjoy the story. That is in stark contrast of what a lot of people do which is more plod sprint plod sprint plod sprint. That gives the reader mental shin splints and for me personally my eyes gloss over when that happens.


    Communication: (7 Points) As I have said before in this workshop you have conveyed your story well. Your communication is clear for the most part. But the blind intro is something of a trick to get past it makes the reader work harder to figure out what's going on. I had to reread the fist few posts to get a real good sense that Philomel was not the beast at the start of the thread. It's not really a huge issue but it's something that some people might find jarring. Just something to note, on TV/Movies like Star Gate Atlantis, SG-1 Star Trek into Darkness it works but that's because the viewer can see oh that's Kirk or hey the McKay! I recognize those people. In books how ever it turns into a different kind of animal because a person has to do the extra work of paying attention to written detail rather than just visual clues.

    Action: (8 Points) Phil
    a crack began to thunder through the soil beneath her, a jagged line at first that quickly and steadily extended out before her.
    That is clear, that is concise that is something of a small set piece. Your action is really good combined with the setting I know where you are in relation to the beast and so I know where you are attacking, I know what you are attacking with and you through past threads aren't coming up with a Deaus Ex Machin yeah she's that bad ass kind of problem a lot of stories produce. I know you are that good because you have developed your character before this point.

    Persona: (8 Points) You have shown that you have played this character for years. You know her personality and how she thinks. Your development doesn't start right at this moment. She has strengths she has weaknesses she can be vulnerable while at the same time she can be a labyrinth of quirks. A character, a good character is not a two dimensional object, yeah it works to a point in Hasbro cartoons circa Gen 1 Transformers or Masters of the Universe but once you get past the age of 7 it starts falling a little flat. It's part of the reason a lot of action movies fail to give the kind of impact the producers want.


    Mechanics: (10 Points) You can spell and put comma's and colons in the right spot.

    Clarity: (8 Points) Like I have said at least twice in this workshop your writing is clear I do not know what else to put here. Bravo Zulu for a job well done.

    Technique: (10 Points) Like in Mechanics this is not my strong suit. You have written very well I enjoyed reading your story. Good job.

    Wildcard: Unicorn Bunny Fox Thing!

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