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Thread: Workshop: From Haidia's Heart, I Stab At Thee

  1. #1
    The Outlaw Torn
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    Level completed: 47%,
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
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    Workshop: From Haidia's Heart, I Stab At Thee

    Name of Completed Thread: From Haidia's HEart, I Stab at Thee
    Name of Authors: Elthas Belthasar and Lye
    Type of Thread: Battle (special request granted for review)
    Thread Length: 16 posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 16th March 2017

    Critique Guidelines:

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  2. #2
    EXP: 8,353, Level: 3
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    Level completed: 84%,
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    jdd2035's Avatar

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    Storytelling: (8 Points) Ok you both are excellent story tellers. There is really nothing I can criticize about the story telling. It was good and crisp with it flowing through out the tread. Your story was a fun read and energetic so I didn't get bored and me getting bored is not conducive to a good score... Um yeah.

    Setting: (8 Points) I have never been to and don't plan on going to the Antifirmanent. I find that other worldly concepts in a written setting can be incredibly problematic. You two did an incredible job at describing the setting of the Antifirmanent especially Lye's out of character comment about him being constant state of his Shadow Meld. Though that being said Lye that breaks the immersion of the setting.

    Pacing: (8 Points) This is a citadel battle yes it's a citadel battle that leads to a larger story but this is still at its foundation is a citadel battle. The pace is and should be fast you two are fighting one another after all well once you guys got started fighting. I am reminded of every TNG era klingon duel I have ever seen on TV where Klingons (mostly worf) talks for twenty minutes then the fight starts.


    Communication: (8 Points) Ok both of you guys are well practiced in getting your point across so there's no real complaint I can make to yall. I know I complained about the immersion being broken with your OOC note Lye but still it let me know what I needed to know when I needed to know it so I have mixed feelings about it. So from a communications point of view it worked.

    Action: (8 Points) This was a citadel battle once it got started but you guys took your ever loving time getting to it. Like I mentioned above this fite really felt like it came out of an episode of Star Trek Deep Space 9 specifically Tacking into the Wind. Worf takes his time explaining that he's challenging Gowron before it finally happens. Your fite does the same thing lots and lots of talk then finally a fight yours is just less corny.

    Persona: (8 Points) As I have said plenty of times you both are well practiced in playing these characters. It was easy to recognize your characters motivations. The deal with any story any conflict in any story is to make your audience care about your character or they will not feel worried about them and makes their enjoyment of the story lessened. You guys did this well.


    Mechanics: (10 Points) Dude this is jdd2035 I barely use periods let alone commas or the more exotic colon and semi-colon.

    Clarity: (8 Points) You both wrote your posts clearly with internal and external dialogue used to good effect. The actions didn't need a lot of explanation after the effect. I hit was a hit and not twelve paragraphs that eventually ends in a hit. I was not left guessing as to what the hell was going on even in a major mishmash of what a fight can turn into.

    Technique: (8 Points) Both of yall have amazing technique especially Lye. Sorry Pavel but Lye's technique is a touch better than yours. That being said both of you use internal and external dialogue well and each action is succinct and clear. Both of you also contributed to making the setting as immersive as it was.

    Wildcard: Kudo's for a Klingon Fite! Quapla!

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