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Thread: Workshop: From Haidia's Heart, I Stab At Thee

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    Workshop: From Haidia's Heart, I Stab At Thee

    Name of Completed Thread: From Haidia's HEart, I Stab at Thee
    Name of Authors: Elthas Belthasar and Lye
    Type of Thread: Battle (special request granted for review)
    Thread Length: 16 posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 16th March 2017

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    Off through the new day's mist I run - Out from the new day's mist I have come - I hunt therefore I am - Harvest the land - Taking of the fallen lamb - Shape shift, nose to the wind - Shape shift, feeling I have been - Move swift, all senses clean - Earth's gift, back to the meaning -

    Back to the meaning Of Wolf and Man


  2. #2
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    jdd2035's Avatar

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    Story:

    Storytelling: (8 Points) Ok you both are excellent story tellers. There is really nothing I can criticize about the story telling. It was good and crisp with it flowing through out the tread. Your story was a fun read and energetic so I didn't get bored and me getting bored is not conducive to a good score... Um yeah.

    Setting: (8 Points) I have never been to and don't plan on going to the Antifirmanent. I find that other worldly concepts in a written setting can be incredibly problematic. You two did an incredible job at describing the setting of the Antifirmanent especially Lye's out of character comment about him being constant state of his Shadow Meld. Though that being said Lye that breaks the immersion of the setting.

    Pacing: (8 Points) This is a citadel battle yes it's a citadel battle that leads to a larger story but this is still at its foundation is a citadel battle. The pace is and should be fast you two are fighting one another after all well once you guys got started fighting. I am reminded of every TNG era klingon duel I have ever seen on TV where Klingons (mostly worf) talks for twenty minutes then the fight starts.

    Character:

    Communication: (8 Points) Ok both of you guys are well practiced in getting your point across so there's no real complaint I can make to yall. I know I complained about the immersion being broken with your OOC note Lye but still it let me know what I needed to know when I needed to know it so I have mixed feelings about it. So from a communications point of view it worked.

    Action: (8 Points) This was a citadel battle once it got started but you guys took your ever loving time getting to it. Like I mentioned above this fite really felt like it came out of an episode of Star Trek Deep Space 9 specifically Tacking into the Wind. Worf takes his time explaining that he's challenging Gowron before it finally happens. Your fite does the same thing lots and lots of talk then finally a fight yours is just less corny.

    Persona: (8 Points) As I have said plenty of times you both are well practiced in playing these characters. It was easy to recognize your characters motivations. The deal with any story any conflict in any story is to make your audience care about your character or they will not feel worried about them and makes their enjoyment of the story lessened. You guys did this well.

    Prose:

    Mechanics: (10 Points) Dude this is jdd2035 I barely use periods let alone commas or the more exotic colon and semi-colon.

    Clarity: (8 Points) You both wrote your posts clearly with internal and external dialogue used to good effect. The actions didn't need a lot of explanation after the effect. I hit was a hit and not twelve paragraphs that eventually ends in a hit. I was not left guessing as to what the hell was going on even in a major mishmash of what a fight can turn into.

    Technique: (8 Points) Both of yall have amazing technique especially Lye. Sorry Pavel but Lye's technique is a touch better than yours. That being said both of you use internal and external dialogue well and each action is succinct and clear. Both of you also contributed to making the setting as immersive as it was.

    Wildcard: Kudo's for a Klingon Fite! Quapla!

  3. #3
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    Les MisÚrables's Avatar

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    Hey guys, thanks for choosing The Writers' Workshop! It's nice to see two veterans drop in with a cool battle, certainly spices things up around here. For me the best part of this thread was the character work and action from both of you. I thought you both added some great depth and story to this battle, and before I run out of things to say let's skip to the rubric. If you have any questions or want any clarification, feel free to contact me.

    Plot
    Pav: I thought you started off strong, your opening got my interest and you provided good background for the story of the battle. You also provided a good initial description of the antifirmament and what it is, which I enjoyed. In a sense, you literally used the setting to your character's advantage the entire time, however I felt like it could have been better represented in your writing throughout the thread, and I was disappointed that Elthas didn't have any tricks to employ unique to this setting. Your pacing was a little rocky, and I'll go into why in the Prose section.

    Jack: You also started strong, with some informative dialogue and Lye's side of the backstory. I do think that you could have found a way to explain your OOC note IC, which would have made the opening even stronger in my opinion. You made good use of the setting both through its effects on Lye and finding ways to turn it to your character's advantage. Using the dead guy's weapon to cauterize a wound was a nice touch. Your pacing was pretty solid, with the odd hiccup here and there mostly due to occasional odd phrasing choices.

    Character
    Pav: I got to know Elthas pretty well in this thread, which is impressive for a battle. Your dialogue was a little bit hit and miss... there were some great moments, like when you gave your title a nod and alluded to Shakespeare, and there were also some awkward moments where the language just felt unnatural. I do feel like clarity of action is one of your weaker points. I often had trouble understanding exactly what Elthas was doing, and I think in this case, less is more. On some occasions you actually over described, which muddied up the flow of the action. Focus on keeping actions direct and to the point, and you'll be on a good path.

    Jack: Lye is a very strong character for you, but I felt like in this thread his representation was a little shallow. There seemed to be a number of missed opportunities for you to go more in depth. Your dialogue was well characterized and consistent, I particularly enjoyed your intentional absence of spoken words during the majority of the fight. I must admit your NPCs felt a bit cliche, but I suppose that can happen to secondary characters in a battle, and in any case, they served their purposes. Your action is considerably clearer, but sometimes a bit thicker than necessary. Like with your dialogue though, I found Lye's actions strongly representative of his character.

    Prose
    Pav: You have some good technical foundations, but I'd like to see you work on implementing more literary devices in your writing. I feel like when you use them they work, but they're fairly rare. Since you are such a creative writer using more advanced techniques like personification will really play to your advantage. Mechanically, I just really think you need to proofread your posts better. If you don't already, try reading it to yourself out loud. This can help to spot the type of errors that a spellecheck misses. As for clarity, your writing does tend to be a bit muddy at times, and I found this impacted your pacing in a negative way. Try simplifying your descriptions of Elthas' actions, and I think you'll be on the right path.

    Jack: You used some really great literary devices, I have a favorite or two quoted in my notes below. I think you could actually stand to use a few less metaphors and similes, employing only your strongest ones. Your writing is expressive and descriptive enough that some of your devices are simply unnecessary and feel purple as a result. Mechanically, I echo my comments for Pavel... you're not making any mistakes you don't know how to fix, it's just a matter of doing a proper proofread. Try doing so out loud, if you don't already. I appreciated the clarity of Lye's actions but I do think you could have done more to keep the reader situated in the moment.

    Here are my rough notes in case you feel like reading through them:

    Code:
    Post 1: Interesting introduction, good descriptions of the antifirmament, could have been clearer and better phrased, overall good.
    
    Post 2: Good use of NPCs/dialogue to set the stage, although they were a little cliched, and the fact the thugs were brothers should have been mentioned sooner rather than at the end.
    
    Post 3: Strange to say "he could speak to Lichensith and perhaps reach him" and then flip to "Either way... one of them was going down."
    
    Post 4: Seems odd to call members of the clan "advocates", "firelight pale skin" created an odd mental image.
    
    Post 5: Be careful with your phrasing "Elthas for a moment" should be "For a moment Elthas". It seemed odd that Elthas smiled when going from sad to enraged. Consistently refering to his actions as "not heroic" is a little bit jarring; who thinks of thesmelf in those terms? Rather than saying "best speed" try to describe his speed, such as the way it impacts the air around him.
    
    Post 6: It seemed odd to put a hyperlink in such a short post; you definitely had room to give a better explanation. Careful with verb choices, "rappelled away from his opponent" created an odd mental image not really appropriate to what I think you were driving at.
    
    Post 7: Repetition of the fact that Elthas is not afraid felt jarring. Try showing instead of telling, maybe with a scornful laugh or the like. Rather than saying "he had used one of his three available blinks", consider an expression of the way the ability fatigues Elthas.
    
    Post  8: "Like twilight shadows from the flicker of a candle" - nice imagery.
    
    Post 9: Broken vb code, a bit of editing could have easily fixed. "When the second portion of the attack came, Elthas continued at that point." Doesn't really tell me anything - this would have been stronger with a perceivable action.
    
    Post 11: "Spectral energy leaked out of the potent energy". The repetition is both jarring and not very descriptive. Overall you used the word energy too many times in this post; consider using a thesaurus. Nice Shakespeare quotation. I liked how you ended this post with laughter, but "maddeningly serious very quickly" weakened the description of it. Sometimes less is more.
    
    Post 12: I like the aknowledgement that speaking during combat is a waste of breath.
    
    Post 13: Again, using the term "best speed" to describe Elthas' movement is jarring. It's odd to say "all he could do was wait" while attacking.
    
    Post 16: Mentioned Lye's eyes focusing, followed by Advencia saying they couldn't save his eye. Took me out of the moment.

  4. #4
    The White Wolf
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

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    Off through the new day's mist I run - Out from the new day's mist I have come - I hunt therefore I am - Harvest the land - Taking of the fallen lamb - Shape shift, nose to the wind - Shape shift, feeling I have been - Move swift, all senses clean - Earth's gift, back to the meaning -

    Back to the meaning Of Wolf and Man


  5. #5
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    Story
    Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

    Though this served as a continuation of previous stories, the transition into this felt smooth enough. I understood the point of conflict being Lye's treatment of Amari and Elthas' displeasure with that fact. It created a reason for this to be happening and for the fight to play out, which helped immensely to get going. The setting of the antifermament, though vivid, could have been utilized more as well as given a life of its own. As it stands, it was a passenger in many ways - an observer of this battle. The pace of this thread also worked relatively well, with a few instances of a stagger-step of sorts as one writer potentially caught up with the other's actions. That's pretty common in combat threads but all the same it wasn't really jarring enough to be an issue.


    Character
    Communication, Action, and Persona

    I think this was the meat and potatoes of the thread, but there were issues of note here. For Lye, though I understood his desire to enter the portal, I just had some weird suspicion that such a seasoned warrior wouldn't go blindly into unknown territory of his opponent's choosing, especially if it appeared as a portal. He handicapped himself almost immediately and played into an opponent's hand, which didn't seem Lye like. I also wasn't a big fan of using muscle groups to describe combat, such as obliques or trapezius. That to me actually causes a loss of immersion. I'd rather just say into the opponent's side ribs or between shoulder and neck. I did get a stronger sense of Lye's character here, despite limitations, than I did of Elthas - mostly because some of his behavior seemed at odds with itself, making it hard to follow. The reaction to his allies dying also seemed almost... brushed off? I know he's a villain, but he must have feelings and loyalty is usually a big thing too. I'll also add that I'm pretty averse to the general cliche of talking during battle. It just presents a very unrealistic and silly scenario where someone is talking between bursts of trying to kill someone.


    Prose
    Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

    As is often the case, mechanics were an issue with things such as spelling, word choice, and overall rushing. Elthas, there was even an italic bracket in your posts that was not closed. I know there's a cost/benefit to proofreading and most people don't bother, but it does change the way a story reads and flows pretty substantially. Lye, there were a few small instances in your writing, but mostly you were solid. Something like a period outside of a quotation for example.

    My bigger gripe is with Elthas here. The first thing is the repetitiveness. You have a tendency to say the same thing multiple times over, as though you're really excited to say it, but then its redundancy causes it to lose effect. You also have a tendency to reuse the same descriptive words. As an example, you went hard on scorch.You used it three times in relatively quick succession in the first half of your first post. I'd also suggest looking for other ways to refer to individuals than by their name. Repeating names gets a bit disruptive, like rubbing raw a rash. Try to slow down and reread your writing aloud, as I often tell others. I'd also just do a test for yourself and when you finish writing, post it and do a ctrl + f to search certain descriptors that you're using or names and see how often they come up. It can help you diversify your word choice and make a more powerful presentation.


    Wildcard

    This was a pretty quick and painless read and admittedly had many of the typical shortcomings that a battle would have. You both did well to try to alleviate too much overlap of one another's actions, but there were still moments. The ending for Lye left an interesting cliffhanger of what exactly he's going to do. Elthas, I'd say to you to try to simplify some of your presentation at times, in the sense that it occasionally feels like you're flooring it when it comes to the desire for epicness and it actually loses its oomph. I'd also recommend trying to cut out ambiguous / vague language and word choice, such as anything that ends in "ish" or "fancy" or "quite a bit."

    Please let me know if there's anything I can clarify or add value to and I'd be happy to answer any questions.
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  6. #6
    The White Wolf
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    Off through the new day's mist I run - Out from the new day's mist I have come - I hunt therefore I am - Harvest the land - Taking of the fallen lamb - Shape shift, nose to the wind - Shape shift, feeling I have been - Move swift, all senses clean - Earth's gift, back to the meaning -

    Back to the meaning Of Wolf and Man


  7. #7
    The White Wolf
    EXP: 56,454, Level: 10
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

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    Althanas Operations Administrator


    Off through the new day's mist I run - Out from the new day's mist I have come - I hunt therefore I am - Harvest the land - Taking of the fallen lamb - Shape shift, nose to the wind - Shape shift, feeling I have been - Move swift, all senses clean - Earth's gift, back to the meaning -

    Back to the meaning Of Wolf and Man


  8. #8
    The White Wolf
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
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    Gold
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    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    All rewards added!

    Althanas Operations Administrator


    Off through the new day's mist I run - Out from the new day's mist I have come - I hunt therefore I am - Harvest the land - Taking of the fallen lamb - Shape shift, nose to the wind - Shape shift, feeling I have been - Move swift, all senses clean - Earth's gift, back to the meaning -

    Back to the meaning Of Wolf and Man


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