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Thread: Workshop: The Bird and the Breaker

  1. #1
    Make It So
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    Workshop: The Bird and the Breaker

    Thread: The Bird and the Breaker
    Name of Author: Breaker & loves.blessing.
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 20 posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 10th April 2017

    Critique Guidelines:

    1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

    2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

    3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

    4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

    5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

    Please note this workshop was requested specifically. Be nice and have fun!
    Althy's Judging Admin
    To try or not to try. To take a risk or play it safe.
    Your arguments have reminded me how precious the right to choose is.
    And because I've never been one to play it safe, I choose to try.




  2. #2
    Member
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    jdd2035's Avatar

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    Captain Cain Jodin
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    Story: First off L.B and Breaker you are such a joy to read so this is probably going to be graded high you get tens all the way through.

    Storytelling: (10 Points) Loved it though I do have a question. Why does every story take place in an "out of the way tavern" this happened in the Peter Jackson Hobbit series and it seams like every scifi or fantasy starts off in an "out of the way tavern". Why can't the main cast ever start out in the middle of the most popular bar in town?

    Setting: (10 Points) The setting was spot on. Each of you did a fantastic job establishing the geography of the area your are in. Both of you put in a ridiculous amount of detail. By the way I'm going to repeat my self a lot in this one. Both of you have different bits of input for the setting with different styles. It's a nice play of one against the other it's kind of like listening to Mars and Jupiter at the same time.

    Pacing: (10 Points) The pacing was good I can not complain about it. You know me I love to compare threads to movies and if I were going to pick a movie for this thread I would probably compare it to Empire Strikes Back. It slow where it needs to be slow and quick where it needs to be quick. Let me be clear you two are no Darth Vader nor Luke Skywalker just the pacing is similar.

    Character:

    Communication: (10 Points) You guys did really good communicating your emotions and "where you were at" in your emotions. The solid use of internal and external dialogue worked well. I had no questions as to who was talking. This was helped with a little OOC blurb at the beginning which always helps. The reader loses a touch of immersion but nevertheless it's quite good.

    Action: (10 Points) I love it, the first page worth of posts was almost nothing but dialogue. This is not a bad thing not at all, in fact do you know what you get when you take out the dialogue and leave nothing but action? You get abominable stories! That's what you get. The reason why action works is because people care about the characters. If no one cares about a character then no one cares rather or not they die and the action falls flat. Here's looking at you Mr. Red Shirt!

    Persona: (10 Points) Breaker I got to meet your character "in person and he's pretty good. A-plus. Loves Blessing! You saucy little minx you. You have a marvelous wonderful way of describing your character. From the beginning your descriptions waved from the seductive to the flashy this was both in your physical description to your thinking. Breaker you did this well too but this is like the first time I get to grade L.B so there.

    Prose:

    Mechanics: (10 Points) You both know me well enough to know that I am horrible when it comes to writing mechanics I use the wrong homophones, I barely use punctuation and my spelling is atrocious ask Phil she had to suffer through my last Vig. So I do not feel qualified to comment on this particular category.

    Clarity: (10 Points) I knew who's who and what's what. That is always a plus some people love to make their posts intentionally confusing because they think it makes their writing more mysterious. But their confusing this with the idea of less is more like in Alien where you don't ever really get a good look at the xenomorph. You guys presented both characters, their location and their situation clearly. Good job.

    Technique: (10 Points) Almost like Mechanics I'm not very good at this part. You guys write incredibly well I have no complaint here. Both of your techniques were different enough to enjoy the back and forth while at the same time similar enough to not be jarring when going from one beat in the story to the next.

    Wildcard: Good job yall. I liked the story...I power read through these but it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it. I'll give yall 9001 points just for some one to shout dramatically "It's over 9000!!!"

  3. #3
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 81,557, Level: 12
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    Level completed: 36%,
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    AP
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    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    Story
    Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

    The approach to a relatively simple and realistic (for a different time) series of events is a rather refreshing read, and despite it being 20 posts long, it set a really easy and reasonable pace. I think you both did well with this. The events mostly happened in the inn, which had enough setting and my own experience to paint the picture I needed. You both could have probably added some interesting or amusing quirks, like bumping into some interesting characters in the hallway in passing, or even hearing someone banging in the other room. Some way to bring the place to life. As it stands, it felt like a private hotel for you two.


    Character
    Communication, Action, and Persona

    I don't know if I've ever really read any writing where Josh is a character so it's interesting to see him as a complete demi-god of ease, and moreso in his portrayal as a rather simple man and hero just helping a damsel in distress. I also can't speak too much on McKinley's portrayal as a super naive/innocent gal when it comes to romance. Part of me feels her vulnerability was a bit overdone, but who am I to speak to a victim of sexual assault and slavery and abuse, who never had any sexual freedom? So there, I'd have to say there's enough ambiguity to make McKinley's behavior quite reasonable.


    Prose
    Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

    Josh, your writing was pretty clean. I noticed some style choices that I'm not exactly a fan of, but I'm not wrong. I didn't notice any over the top use of technique but I'd have to confess that's probably my weakest category. The thread itself was clean and clear for the most part.

    McKinley, my criticism for you is that you often lack a comma where there should be one, and in some instances place one where it doesn't belong. Maybe taking an online refresher on comma usage would be a helpful jumping point for practice going forward. I also noticed some typos and misused homonyms where I think you took the way a word sounds and tried to type it up. If you are ever in doubt, look online. You said window seal instead of window sill for example. And my personal favorite part of the thread: calling it a draw instead of a drawer. I found that particularly funny because that's an accent one of my bosses at work has.


    Wildcard

    This was a really easy read and a relatable story. Though you may have overplayed the damsel in distress, the pieces all fit and everything seemed to flow as I expected. There were no major surprises in this thread that jumped out at me, which is sometimes nice too. An easy, predictable, and light read is just what the doctor ordered at times, and this fits the bill. A nice building of relations between the two characters too.

    But Josh, you're too old and experienced for her. Go back to your goddess.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

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  4. #4
    Make It So
    EXP: 23,107, Level: 6
    Level completed: 45%, EXP required for next level: 3,893
    Level completed: 45%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,893

    AP
    76
    GP
    2,980
    Rayleigh's Avatar

    Name
    Rayleigh Aston
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brunette
    Eye Color
    Green
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    Job
    Mechanic

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    This workshop is now closed. Thank you to all who contributed.

    Rewards for Workshop: The Bird and the Breaker

    jdd2035 receives 500 EXP, 40 GP, and 4 AP.

    SirArtemis receives 1200 EXP, 40 GP, and 4 AP.
    Althy's Judging Admin
    To try or not to try. To take a risk or play it safe.
    Your arguments have reminded me how precious the right to choose is.
    And because I've never been one to play it safe, I choose to try.




  5. #5
    Make It So
    EXP: 23,107, Level: 6
    Level completed: 45%, EXP required for next level: 3,893
    Level completed: 45%,
    EXP required for next level: 3,893

    AP
    76
    GP
    2,980
    Rayleigh's Avatar

    Name
    Rayleigh Aston
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Female
    Hair Color
    Brunette
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    5'3 / 115
    Job
    Mechanic

    View Profile
    All rewards have been added!
    Althy's Judging Admin
    To try or not to try. To take a risk or play it safe.
    Your arguments have reminded me how precious the right to choose is.
    And because I've never been one to play it safe, I choose to try.




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