Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 13 of 13

Thread: Always Return

  1. #11
    Maul-Slayer
    EXP: 171,784, Level: 18
    Level completed: 10%, EXP required for next level: 17,216
    Level completed: 10%,
    EXP required for next level: 17,216

    AP
    59
    GP
    16,155
    Breaker's Avatar

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    Ageless (looks 28)
    Race
    Demigod (human)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Light Brown
    Eye Color
    Hazel
    Build
    6 feet / 202 lbs.

    View Profile
    “That is possible,” the golden haired man chuckled. He was of middling age, but appeared unusually youthful and smooth faced, perhaps with some elven roots in his lineage. “Or it could be for any of the others. Or just for safe keeping. Or some other reason we cannot even fathom. Perhaps he means to destroy it.”

    “Why would he-” the woman cut off and she cast her gaze out the office’s window, looking down on the large fountain in the square. She stood and poured herself a cup of tea from the platter on the desk, pacing back to the wide pane of glass. “Khal’jaren will be pleased,” she said, still gazing out the window. People milled past the fountain three stories below, despite the early hour. “He showed he trusts us when he allowed us to handle an artifact of such power.”

    “It is a delicate game of chess these Thaynes play, and we are only the pawns.” The man sipped his own tea, nearly down to the dregs. “One wrong move, and we may be sacrificed to further Khal’jaren’s agenda.”

    “I am no one’s pawn,” the woman growled.

    I had heard enough. I wafted out the window and traveled on the wind back to the forested shoreline of Scara Brae’s western coast. I took human form in a sluicing and re-shaping of steam.

    Am’aleh had not misled me. I had caged my goddess for no reason greater than my own anxiety. Beads of sweat formed on the back of my neck as I considered her wrath. In one step I crossed the sea, back to the prison of solid water I had erected for Am’aleh. I found her in the corner, curled in a ball, head bobbing back and forth. Her golden hair swayed like swelling waves, her blue eyes as wide as the ocean.

    “I am the ocean,” she whispered as I knelt before her, “I am the sea. Wherever you may flow-”

    “Always return to me.” I caressed the sides of the collar, and all three adamantine hoops popped open.



    ~*~

    Out of Character:
    Spoils request: Breaker gains an adamantine bracer, which has become fused to his right forearm. It has no special powers.
    ... They fell to him as prey to bluefin
    for the Jya's warriors knew not how to swim...
    13-3-2

    I wrote a book! ~ Most Suave Character 2010

  2. #12
    Moderator
    EXP: 120,660, Level: 15
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next level: 14,340
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next level: 14,340

    AP
    69
    GP
    10,280
    Storm Veritas's Avatar

    Name
    Storm Veritas
    Age
    38
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    More pepper than salt.
    Eye Color
    Grey or Blue
    Build
    6'1, 185 lbs
    Job
    Defiler.

    View Profile
    Thread Title : Always Return
    Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
    Participants: Breaker

    A fast, fun, enjoyable read that I couldn’t put down once I started. It struggles in a few subcritical areas and can leave a reader novice to the Breaker character confused. Fans of Breaker will enjoy the high bar for technique being met, alongside excellent immersion into lore and a very creative experience. Lots of fun!

    Plot: 17/30

    This category was far and away the weakest of the three main categories, but that isn’t to say it was particularly weak. Specifically, although this is a condensed judgment, there was a clear distinction between the different components of what is considered “Plot”, so I’m breaking it out anyway. Pay for a condensed judgment, but you’re getting close to a full anyway. I know, I’m the best.

    Joking aside, your storytelling is masterful, and the actual actions that transpire here are extremely interesting. The communion with a God, the characterization of said God, the taking of a VERY interesting totem in the Thaynebinder, and Cronen’s temporary transformation into a deity are extremely ambitious in such a short thread. Needless to say, it’s a fast read.

    Pacing is the real outlier here; ultimately it’s the only significant element of the story I really struggled with. There are a LOT of very convenient events that transpired, and no time wasted in transit. Leaving McKinley in her sleep never irked Breaker in any way, nor was that relationship significantly addressed afterwards. We are introduced to the Thaynebinder in one post, and almost immediately Cronen has the totem and takes off with the item. I loved the back and forth with the pirates, but felt that he gave far too little resistance. This was very odd to me, as Josh had the pirate captain, but they had guns pointed at Josh and he was constrained by the Thaynebinder. I’d think them too prideful to give up so quickly there.

    The dupe of Am’aleh was VERY interesting, and the foreshadowing to taking her powers was well placed. Again, it was really convenient for Josh to vapor-drop in just as people were discussing the most pertinent details regarding him in Scara Brae, but it made for a good read.

    Your ability to service multiple setting elements and drive in Althanian lore is outstanding in this thread, per usual. There’s not much to say regarding such skillful deployment of setting that allows the reader to understand what’s going on while remaining so concise, but it bears mention. I never struggled to understand setting or impact on lore through the entire thread, and yet I also never felt like I was reading a wall of setting set up to drive up post/word count or that lore was being exploited.

    Character: 22/30

    Cronen is the back of your hand at this point, and you write him flawlessly. Motivations of the other characters in this thread was a strength (for Amaleh) and a weakness (for the pirate captain, and possibly McKinley). The first person technique is one I don’t employ because the back and forth dialogue can become really cumbersome, but you manage it quite well. I’m not sure if it is the sharp contrast in styles between Cronen and Marigold that enable this, but either way it works. You created a nice stylization of Am’aleh, and addressed quite a bit of Breaker’s intercontinental juice/swag. The side characters were pretty simple plot pushers.

    The action is fast paced, and although there aren’t any spectacular blowout scenes, there are a number of memorable images the reader experiences. The true climactic element – the betrayal and shackling of Am’aleh – is a shock, but also goes ultimately unresolved. In a competitive landscape, assuming godly powers is MASSIVE powergaming. In a standalone thread like this, I loved it.

    Prose: 24/30

    I absolutely loved the foreshadowing you used with the captain being cut off explaining the Thaynebinder. The mechanics and textualization were effectively flawless. I’m sure there could have been a few typos, but I didn’t catch any.

    Frankly, the only thing keeping you from a perfect score in prose is the scope of the thread. You accomplished a simple thread, and although the far-reaching impact of this thread on Althanian lore would be considerable, you didn’t exactly embark on an epic path to do this. The sheer number of devices used and ability to showcase technique was limited by the small size of the thread, although again I loved the creativity.

    I cannot –wait- to see the finished fate of the Thaynebinder and what happens to Am’aleh. This thread could even serve as a prequel to the Adventurer’s Cup, where perhaps Am’aleh’s wrath rages upon the groups in wave form, an Althanian homage to Poseidon.

    Wild Card: 7/10 I feel like this thread was a delicious appetizer for a main course that can’t come fast enough.

    Final Score: 70

    SPOILS

    Breaker receives:
    - 2520 EXP
    - 140 Gold!

    Because the request is an adamantine bracer, I’ve calculated a base price of 450 gold. Since you have ten zillion gold, you have the option of the above reward OR

    Breaker receives
    - 2520 EXP
    - (-290 Gold paid)
    - Adamantine Bracer


    (has been approved)

    Please confirm acceptance of the gold deduction and I’ll submit the rewards to be added.
    Last edited by Storm Veritas; 04-27-17 at 02:12 PM.

  3. #13
    Der Geńchteter zerrissen
    EXP: 57,454, Level: 10
    Level completed: 32%, EXP required for next level: 7,546
    Level completed: 32%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,546

    AP
    0
    GP
    6,150
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

    View Profile
    All rewards added and GP deducted!

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    The Second Coming: 29 days remaining

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •