Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Workshop: Tap Dancing

  1. #1
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 81,770, Level: 12
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 8,230
    Level completed: 37%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,230


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    8,285
    AP
    73
    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile

    Workshop: Tap Dancing

    Name of Completed Thread: Tap Dancing
    Name of Authors: Duffy
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 16 posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: October 8th, 2017

    Critique Guidelines:

    1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

    2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

    3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

    4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

    5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.
    Last edited by Philomel; 10-11-2017 at 06:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member

    EXP: 27,385, Level: 7
    Level completed: 5%, EXP required for next Level: 7,615
    Level completed: 5%,
    EXP required for next Level: 7,615


    jdd2035's Avatar

    GP
    330
    AP
    2
    Name
    Captain Cain Jodin
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Hey there Duffy we've met before so lets get down to it.

    First things first I love the picture medieval effigy!

    All right with that out done and done let me say that your approach to setting was a lot of fun to read it really popped out of your story. The same goes for your use of the same technique to describe your character and the dialogue to support your descriptions it really shows what kind of character Duffy really is. I can tell that you are well practiced in writing being able to balance both character dynamics, setting and main character development and then I looked at your level and said "oh that's why."

    I don't have any real complaints about your work it's not a wall of words, it's pacing is great, and I can't see if you goofed on any grammar or punctuation.

    I know you are looking for constructive criticism but I can not give any constructive or other wise. You are a very strong and capable writer and I am out of my depth when it comes to give you any thing short of a lot of praise! Congrats.

  3. #3
    Member

    EXP: 102,104, Level: 13
    Level completed: 87%, EXP required for next Level: 1,896
    Level completed: 87%,
    EXP required for next Level: 1,896


    SirArtemis's Avatar

    GP
    19,915
    AP
    22
    Name
    Boris Domantovsky
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar

    View Profile
    Story
    Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

    Terrific. I almost hate you for it. Your narrative was so compelling that I wish it was just the preface of a book that I'd sit down and burn through without being able to hold back. You're so talented in storytelling and writing with you is a treat (though you sometimes misrepresent Artemis). But your ability to integrate so much complexity, history, lore, and influence into such a brief narrative is really engaging and exciting. In such a brief space, it makes me want to know about ALL five of your characters and their histories. I've only dabbled with Ruby and Leopold and know barely anything else about the rest, but they seem so vivid and interesting that I can't help but want to know more. I want to google the wiki page about their history, about Oblivion, I want to go read up on the old gods, about all of the Thayne, about the war of the tap, about the forgotten ones, what they did exactly, about Wainwright. The ability you have to make a reader want to know so much about these things is terrific. My biggest complaint is sometimes the settings didn't stand out to me. I had some scenery with the castle and them standing in a circle and I had the scene of them being in Scara Brae around some tree, but beyond that I didn't have much. Maybe that's more on me than you. I'd also say that the pacing sort of got really bumpy right around the transition into the past after the last song. It took me a couple posts to get back into a flow.


    Character
    Communication, Action, and Persona

    Each character has such a unique identity and I want to read a book on each of them, knowing their story and how they came to be members of this troupe. I'd even read one on Wainwright. There's so much I want to know that it's terrific. They all have such unique expressions and habits and characteristics that it really brings them to life vividly. Ruby has her own sass. Arden has his own quite power. Lillith has the contrast of a samurai with a heart. Duffy the lip-pierced lead singer type who has bad judgment. And Leopold, the diligent one who nabbed the gorgeous wife despite his potbelly. Their attire even blends into their personality, and I am starting to think Ruby's feet are enchanted to be immune to pain or deformation. From the alcohol conjuring, to the notebook jotting, to the hand signals and letters in the air - everything had such depth to it and I can see these characters are fleshed out in your mind quite thoroughly.

    Prose
    Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

    You suck. I hate that you don't edit. So many typos. Be grateful you're good enough to make the rest be great despite you dropping the ball on this and not caring.


    Wildcard

    Your writing is terrific and so enjoyable. If you just learned to clean up after yourself you'd have a terrific foundation to get a book published. Which I hope you're working on. I'll eventually go over it when you have more done.
    Last edited by SirArtemis; 10-03-2017 at 01:19 PM.

  4. #4
    Member

    EXP: 21,506, Level: 6
    Level completed: 22%, EXP required for next Level: 5,494
    Level completed: 22%,
    EXP required for next Level: 5,494


    Atzar's Avatar

    GP
    3,486
    AP
    21
    Name
    Atzar Kellon
    Location
    Corone
    So I’m a little wary of doing my usual mechanics comb-through with you because I’m admittedly hazy on the finer details of the differences between our respective flavors of the English language. What strikes me as an irregularity may very well just be the way you guys do it on your side of the pond, as opposed to a mistake worth patching. So I’m going to keep that in mind as I go through this. With that said…

    Post 2

    “Her hair danced lie kami raging.” like

    “Steeling himself for the inevitable barbed tongue backlash, the bard did away with the awkward silence and put his thoughts into words.” The second half of the sentence can be cut out - fluff.

    Strong hook.

    Post 3

    “orrerry” orrery… at least as I know it. This is one of those spellings that may be acceptable in your English but not over here… I don’ t know for sure.

    This is a very dramatic conversation… perhaps a little overly so.

    As a reader unfamiliar with your cadre, it’s at times unclear who is speaking. You mention ‘the swordsman’, and I think it refers to Arden? I don’t know to whom to attribute the passage that begins with “Precisely!” Duffy, I think?

    Post 5

    “Taking his cue, Duffy continued his exposition and started to grow excitable.” ‘Started to’ is weak language – extra words that don’t add anything. “Taking his cue, Duffy continued his exposition and grew excitable.”

    “Wainwright’s sole” soul, presumably

    “foxtro” foxtrot

    “pudgy cheeked” hyphenate

    “It will take the Aria back to its beginnings, and use back to the day Oblivion possessed Wainwright’s body and ended our lives.” us

    Post 7

    “Whichever ones she cut, none lead to a logical conclusion” led

    Feel free to take this or leave this as you please: as a reader unfamiliar with your work, a lot of this is going over my head. I don’t know what the Aria is, or what the Ayar was. I don’t know why Ruby is so pissed at Duffy, though I assume it’s because of the “he died, then lived, then died again” thing. I think you could do a better job of bringing the uninitiated up to speed on some of this.

    “…becoming a Thayne gave me everything I needed to give up everything to rectify.” Unclear

    Post 8

    “A atana, sharp as death greeted Lilith like an old friend.” Katana. You tend to make a handful of simple typos that a day-later readthrough would find and smash in five minutes. I’m going to stop pointing them out now; just a piece of advice to pocket for later, if you want it.



    Your characters are compelling and rich with lore and history, and as a result you managed to succeed with a simple plot that revolved around one short event and mounds of discussion. For a lesser cast, this template would have made for an unfulfilling read. For this group, it worked. The depth of the lore comes with a double-edge. While the sheer time and effort put into the troupe is apparent, I felt like I didn’t understand a lot of what was referenced. I don’t need every detail of every detail – that’s unreasonable – but I, as a new reader of yours, am looking for enough information to get exactly what is going on and why the characters do what they do.

    Your mechanics would be very strong if you’d take a small amount of time and polish off the rough edges. You are eloquent (at times overly so), with a strong grasp of grammar, but you let yourself down by making so many small errors. Writing ‘use’ instead of ‘us’ is typically inconsequential, but there were also a few mistakes that actually broke a phrase to the point where I was unsure what you were saying.

    You’re a good writer and a natural storyteller, though. This story was engaging and a good read. Well done.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 81,770, Level: 12
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 8,230
    Level completed: 37%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,230


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    8,285
    AP
    73
    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Last couple of days to add your commentary!

  6. #6
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 81,770, Level: 12
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 8,230
    Level completed: 37%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,230


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    8,285
    AP
    73
    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    This thread is now closed for judging and will be dealt with asap.

  7. #7
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 81,770, Level: 12
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 8,230
    Level completed: 37%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,230


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    8,285
    AP
    73
    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Name of Thread: Workshop: Tap Dancing

    Workshop rewards

    Jdd receives:
    640 EXP
    35 GP
    2 AP

    Sir Artemis receives:
    1200 EXP
    35 GP
    4 AP

    Atzar recieves:
    560 EXP
    35 GP
    3 AP

  8. #8
    Super Moderator

    EXP: 81,770, Level: 12
    Level completed: 37%, EXP required for next Level: 8,230
    Level completed: 37%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,230


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    8,285
    AP
    73
    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    All rewards have been given.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •