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Thread: Workshop: The Fall of Sir Edwin Francis

  1. #1
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    Workshop: The Fall of Sir Edwin Francis

    Name of Completed Thread: The Fall of Sir Edwin Francis
    Name of Authors: Storm Veritas & Tobias Stalt
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 14 Posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: May 10, 2017

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  2. #2
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    Hey there I'm Jdd you all know me. Now where to begin? Where to begin!? Both of you I know and have RP'd with in the past and it was a blast . Now to judge yall.

    Story:

    Storytelling: (10 Points) You both tell excellent stories and I'm glad to have read it. Both of your introductions do incredibly well in setting up the the scene and every thing to come next. This is a minor nit pic but some of your posts are novel length. I normally don't mind reading novels but it can get heavy duty and make my eyes gloss over.

    Setting: (10 Points) You brought the city of Radasanth to life really quickly and kept it alive with out making me numb when reading it, drowning in details and all. There are two ways one can build up the setting, the first way is to give it a wall of words expository set up the gives a load of details make the readers eyes cross and frustrate them by making them go back and forth between parts you read. The other way is to mesh it with the rest of the story talking about smells and sites as the characters interact with them. You've done the latter which is a boon for a guy like me.

    Pacing: (10 Points) At fourteen posts this was almost a mile and a half fun run. Which is not a bad pace but from time to time your wall of words posts which bogs down the read. Its not a total bog mind you and it's mostly at the start of this story but it is still something to consider.

    Character:

    Communication: (10 Points) Both of yall are vets at writing on this site. There is nothing that I can say to criticize your communication. Both internal and external dialogue was crisp, loved the banter between your two characters and oh yeah the grand use of NPC's to forward the plot works incredibly well. Good job.

    Action: (10 Points) Storm I have seen your dramatic action writing up close and personal I like it you write out a dramatic action scene quite well. You let your self get injured and maintain the effects of the injury throughout the thread with out any hiccups that I can see. Tobias you as well are good at this. Good job with the both of yall.

    Persona: (10 Points) both of yall have been playing these characters for years. A lot of years. With out a doubt you both know your characters inside and out. Here's the deal though Both of your characters are incredibly powerful which means that if you want me to enjoy the pay off of any sort of drama their lives have to be put in danger which is incredibly difficult.

    Prose:

    Mechanics: (10 Points) Me fail english! That's unpossible?

    Clarity: (10 Points) Both of yall are great writers so clarity is an easy win. Both of you know how to detail things in such a way that makes things crystal clear. There wasn't any really muddy waters I can complain about but then I read so fast that it hurts to try to slow dow so really good writing.

    Technique: (10 Points) Like mechanics this is one of my weakest areas. In short I suck at this part. Both of your techniques meshed well. I was not frustrated at all just went a little cross-eyed from time to time. I know we all like having high praise for a lot of detail but really a wall of words at the end of the day is a wall of words and it bogs things.

    Wildcard:

    Release the Kraken!

  3. #3
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    Hello! Thank you for choosing the workshop and for giving me a chance to comment on your story! I may end up coming across as a bit harsh on this thread, mainly because I know that you're both capable of writing amazing stories but I felt that this one fell short.

    ***

    Story: I'm very much caught in two minds here. On one hand your story had the makings of an interesting Oceans / Bond caper, set in an aspect of Althanas that we don't often get to see. The underlying premise was simple but of interest, and throwing together the two main players without any fore-planning made for an interesting dynamic. On the other hand, the execution left much to be desired.

    My main gripes are twofold. The first is that the introduction and build-up in the first five posts lacked a consistent thread. The two points of view - Storm's and Tobias's - lack commonality beyond the call to arms, despite Tobias's belated attempt to link the tailor. They seed a number of different story elements that don't come to fruition (i.e. the Civil War, child soldiers, Storm's blue tie), and in turn don't touch on certain elements that are of greater importance later (i.e. Elmira Reinhardt). We learn of a 'plan' only in the sixth post, and even then we have no idea why Sir Edwin Francis needs to be eliminated, or why the circumstances of this particular day are conducive to this act. All of the above made it difficult to get into the spirit of the tale.

    The second is that once Tobias dropped out, the story left a lot of threads dangling without ever touching upon them again. I would have appreciated even just a mention of his contribution, however minimal, from Storm's point of view - the chaos caused by those who recognised him, for example, detracting from the security around Sir Francis and making it easier for Storm to escape.

    What remained of the story was well written, but not spectacular - the assassination, followed by the escape through the window and then the sewers, followed a set of well-defined tropes that were decently executed but lacked impression on this reader, and didn't really take advantage of Storm's unique abilities.

    Background: I felt that the greatest contribution here came from Tobias in his early posts, where he effectively interwove the dying stages of the Coronian Civil War into his sensory descriptions of Radasanth. I got less varied descriptions from Storm in general, focusing more on what he could see in the moment, although this worked to his advantage during the action-heavy sequence that ended the story. One thing that he did well was to interact with and make use of his surroundings, whether it be during his escape sequence or in the sewers that followed.

    On the other hand, I don't feel that I received enough from either of you with regards to character continuity. Tobias hinted at it, particularly with his previous ties to the Coalition and his mention of the Cathedral of Saint Denebriel and his exile from Alerar, but working Lieutenant Reinhardt into the thread better would have helped immensely. All I know of Storm's past is that for some reason he's infamous in Radasanth... but why? Why is it such a big deal that somebody on the street doesn't recognise Storm while he's smoking tobacco, but he doesn't seem to worry that a guard at a security checkpoint might do so? I understand that it's annoying having to explain this in every new thread you write, but without the grounding I fear that many readers - including myself - might get lost.

    Characters: You both have a good grasp of your characters and present them well through their actions and their dialogue. I would say that Tobias had greater depth, especially in how his thoughts flowed from his surroundings and his interactions, and in how he was able to say one thing while thinking another. Storm came across as less complex - impatient was one word used - but I'm afraid that his abrasive arrogance started to rub me the wrong way before long, and his crude doodles were not particularly humourous (call me a prude ><).

    Perhaps what hurt most as a reader was your lack of consistent characterisation for the various NPCs that populated the periphery of your story. In particular, all we saw of the titular Edwin Francis was literally a caricature that died dismally in the next post. In Tobias's case, this was largely to do with the fact that his plot threads weren't picked up after he disappeared - both the tailor girl and Lieutenant Reinhardt showed promise, the former in particular, but played little part in the finished story. In Storm's the problem was that every NPC who got more than a moment of focus seemed only to exist to flatter the main character, in essence to prove just how awesome he is. While I can imagine this is a side-effect of Storm's arrogant sense of superiority (and thus served its purpose well in terms of characterisation!) it also gets quite boring after a while. Far be it for me to outright decry such practices; I only hope that in your next threads you allow Storm to engage with personalities that are more his 'equal', whether they are player-written or not.

    Technique: In most aspects, a pleasure to read. Storm's early posts (pre solo-mode) contained a number of paragraphs and sections that I found hard to read for a number of reasons (doubled words, run-on sentences, overall lack of clarity) but I realise that they did not benefit from the proofreading run that you seem to have applied to your later posts. This problem continued to some extent, but the conscious effort made to up the pace in the action sequence dealt with most of any issues I might have detected.

    Other than that, I will remark again that Storm tends to fall back on Earth-isms (i.e. 'nine-thirty', 'as graceful as a newborn giraffe') where an Althanas-ism might better suffice. In contrast, I really appreciate Tobias's efforts to the otherwise.

    ***

    I appreciate the difficulty of and effort involved in finishing up a thread where your partner has bailed, and I'm glad that you did so and presented it to the workshop! On the other hand, I do feel that you took the easy way out in tying off the thread. You could have taken the time to weave Tobias's plot points and Storm's abilities into an awesome climax, but instead resorted to tried-and-tested tropes which, while executed without major fault, did leave me slightly disappointed that you hadn't aimed higher. Many apologies if this comes across as harsh criticism; I mean no ill will, I simply wish to keep reading the interesting tales that I know you're capable of telling.

    I hope that some of my comments above might be of use in your future writing!

    ***

    Post 1:
    Spoiler:
    'Nine-thirty' feels like a non-Althanasism.
    The sentences of the next paragraph are poorly structured; for example, the lack of context for 'tall wizard' and 'infamous villain'.
    Doubling up on words in quick succession ('small man ... man', 'vest pocket ... pocket').
    '... one could find five men in a bar for every human in the library' is a nice turn of phrase, although I wouldn't expect the latter to be quite so well populated in the evening!
    I like the librarian, although I've never quite worked out what Storm's done that he has half of Radasanth quaking in their shoes...


    Post 2:
    Spoiler:
    'Half-bell' feels more more Althanas-y!
    Not sure about the capitalisation of Kraken... 'the Kraken', maybe, but never 'a Kraken' in my humble opinion.Great use of sensory setting to fill the gaps that Storm left, as well as insight into Tobias's character.


    Post 3:
    Spoiler:
    The transition here lacks context - Storm is suddenly in front of a mirror?
    Also, as an aside, Prime Minister of a city feels awkward. Not necessarily wrong, just awkward.
    Much of this post feels unpolished and hard to read; a few tweaks to sentence structure and word choice would smooth things out greatly: "which his colleague was to be advised would identify him as the partner", "all the munitions he was likely to need", "was shoulder to shoulder with a few press types jotting notes for no less than a minute", "betraying his normal panache".


    Post 4:
    Spoiler:
    Excellent use of the setting to frame the story in the closing stages of the Coronian Civil War, and once again to provide insight into Tobias's thoughts.
    I love how you use dialogue and character interaction to delve into the background of Althanas and the motivations of the various parties involved, and to tie together Tobias and Storm.


    Post 5:
    Spoiler:
    Did anything of note happen? At least we have an idea of why Storm is considered so dangerous, although another label ('antihero') comes into play without context... I'd love to see his character develop beyond 'asshole'.
    As an aside, I tend to find OOC notes distracting and unnecessary - I wouldn't worry about stating 'bunny approved' or 'my partner ran off on me', since it's generally quite obvious!


    Post 6:
    Spoiler:
    A hint of a plan! I have to admit that it would have been useful for more background earlier in the thread - what press release? what propaganda? who is Sir Edwin Francis and why must he die? - that would allow us to revel in the plan as it's revealed. I do appreciate that you give us the opportunity to experience Tobias saying one thing and thinking another, regarding his motivation for moving against the Empire.


    Post 7:
    Spoiler:
    I'm wavering again regarding Storm's background - do the guards not recognise him? I did enjoy how he deflected immediate attention with his quip, although again I worry that wouldn't it have drawn unwanted attention from other sources?


    Post 8:
    Spoiler:
    A twist out of left field. Again, would have worked so much better if you'd dropped her name earlier, along with a semblance of how it's affecting Tobias. On the other hand it's a good way of increasing the stakes and introducing a higher degree of urgency and conflict into the thread.


    Post 9:
    Spoiler:
    I'm not sure how I feel about Storm's obsession with his doodles. It might be meant as humour, but is it really humourous?
    I approve of the distraction, although would the centre of Radasanth's government really be so vulnerable to such an attack?


    Post 10:
    Spoiler:
    Could Storm have chosen a far less conspicuous manner of assassination? It would have been nice to hearken back to post 5 with a heart attack, for example.
    Nice set piece, though - crisp and clear, with Storm's blunt and impatient personality shining through his actions.
    The red tie bites back! Good continuity.


    Post 11:
    Spoiler:
    I appreciate that you're cornering Storm with a horde of faceless goons, but the fact that they're figuratively wearing red shirts and sporting 'EXPENDABLE' tattoos across their forehead robs this scene of any impact it might otherwise have. One never doubts that Storm will fight his way free of the situation with little lasting consequence in the eyes of the law.


    Post 12:
    Spoiler:
    Again I appreciate that Storm doesn't find his egress through the window easy, but in the end it's not much more than a hindrance - a road bump rather than a road block, if you will. Was there really no other way out other than the cliche?
    The action is well written, but in the end... slightly empty?


    Post 13:
    Spoiler:
    And another rather cliched development - the sewers. Storm's predicament is well written, even if I can't quite appreciate his characterisation, but again...
    Also, convenient tailor's!


    Post 14:
    Spoiler:
    Hm... not a mention of Tobias, even at the very end?
    -Level 10-

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    For you I will always go the extra mile
    I hope that the day will come when I can banish this pain
    I just hope that one day I will see you again

  4. #4
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    Ebivoulya's Avatar

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    Since this was mainly an effort by Storm, I focused my feedback on his posts. I have a section for Tobias at the end.


    Story:

    The story started off about where you'd expect, and the pipe worked well as a 'narrow' intro; starting on a small detail rather than broad descriptions. However, Storm's reaction to the guy bringing the letter seemed excessive. Sure, he was annoyed, but saying 'Enough!' after one sentence seemed odd, and almost like an answer to the man's question. The letter was professional and legit, and his reaction to it made sense. The method of contact, however, really didn't. A pair of assassins meeting in front of the building they're supposed to infiltrate in broad daylight, with one of them dressed in an attention-seeking tie, and both of them apparently well-known wanted criminals. Not really a choice any assassin would believably make, even with the press infiltration method. You'd at least expect the side of the building, if not a bar down the street.

    Storm just assumed this kid walking up was his partner, with no suspicion or caution, which was a little strange when he's worried about being recognized. He managed to make it into the building, and came up with a plan, which fit his style pretty well. It was a little odd that he started the plan so quickly, though, with nothing but vague promises of help from his associate. There was a bit too much trust in general between them, for two men of that profession. There was some confusion with the chandelier scene, but I explain that in action, and the catwalk in clarity. Once Storm accomplished his goal, he ran up to the catwalk and barricaded himself. I did like the use of the red tie to identify him, but it would've been nice to see the blue tie come up again, like him switching to the blue as a disguise afterward.

    My main problem with the catwalk scene is the guards never really got close enough to make his exit very suspenseful. You kept mentioning archers, but we only ever see one bolt; they wouldn't all wait to fire together, at least a few extras should've tried. Blocking off the entire catwalk took away a lot of the urgency, I think. It's the main trap of strong characters; bein' too good at stuff. You had Storm take an injury as he jumped out of the window, and described it as fairly brutal, but nothing ever came of it. He splashed into a shit-filled sewer with a gaping wound and wasn't at all concerned about it, nor did it hamper him in any way. Except for the mention of blood, it may as well not have even happened.

    The ending was far too casual for everything Storm just went through, in my opinion. Before he's even out of the sewers he's thinking about getting drunk on the money he'd make from the job. There is absolutely no anger towards the partner who betrayed him, no desire for revenge. I feel like he should be hunting down the guy who abandoned him, but the thread ends on an off-tone 'silver lining' note. It was fairly interesting for what it was, and I can understand just wanting to finish the thing after Tobias dropped, but there was still some potential there, and it wasn't wrapped up in a very satisfying way. I suppose they can't all be gems, though.


    Setting:

    Overall, your descriptions are good when they happen, but they're usually spread somewhat thin. You describe your favorite set-piece, the pipe, and Storm smoking it, quite well of course. You rolled with Tobias' description of there being large crowds, but didn't really describe them, just mentioned them. No jostling, loudness, or other effects. Your use of simile and metaphor in describing the reporters and attendants inside the building in the ninth post was very good, though. There was also some good description when he first entered the government building. The chandelier was described almost excessively, however, and describing Tobias as a 'dapper gentlemen' really didn't fit with the earlier descriptions of him.

    The most consistent description detail you use, besides the pipe, is the sunlight. You only mention Storm's tan skin once, at the start, or indeed, much at all about Storm himself other than the wound later on. Kinda set-it-and-forget-it with descriptions of him. The descriptions you use for the setting are decent, sometimes quite good, but you often paint with a broad brush. I think adding occasional smaller details would give your settings more depth. Your description of other people is often quite good, though, with metaphor that assumes or attributes some exaggerated trait to them. If you applied this to your descriptions of setting, I think you could create some very nice imagery. Also, don't forget the power of color, and contrast.


    Pacing:

    The overall pacing of the story was pretty front-loaded; tough to avoid given the circumstance. It took several posts for them to meet up and infiltrate, but not many after the deed was done. The npcs who didn't like Storm smoking were somewhat amusing, and Storm's opinion of them mildly interesting, but it ultimately seemed like fluff. The second was even immediately dismissed when the incident 'left as soon as it came.'

    There are some occasions where you lapsed into being fairly wordy, mostly in the earlier part of the thread where I suspect you wanted to match Tobias' descriptiveness. You also occasionally tack on extra descriptors sometimes, like 'sewage was most likely largely relatively clean' in the last post. Though that one is probably accidental, it's not an isolated issue. During the solo portion the pacing was pretty even, with one exception. The time spent on the catwalk, and jumping through the window, stretched much longer than expected, and helped to kill the urgency of the climax.


    Communication:

    You use Storm's thoughts to great effect to keep us up to date on his reactions, and it's where most of his personality shines through. This is definitely a strong category for you, even without much actual dialogue in the thread. There's a lack of body language, though. There weren't really many quiet scenes, which is where that technique shines, but you spell out Storm's thoughts so often. It makes a lot of what we know about Storm be because he straight up told us, and sometimes those thoughts are kind of obvious or, not really necessary.

    The lack of body language makes a lot of your non-action scenes feel like simple back-and-forths. I rarely need to pay attention to any details, just listen to people talking. That's less applicable to some of your other threads, of course, but still not completely inaccurate. Usually, the flavor of the dialogue goes a long way to keep things interesting, but some subtlety in how certain things are portrayed could make those scenes more engaging, I think.


    Action:

    There were consistent issues with losing track of details, and this caused quite a bit of confusion for a detail-oriented reader like myself. I mention several of the smaller instances in clarity, but the main issue was the assassination scene. The chandelier 'hit the ground' at the start of your post, but then a few paragraphs later Storm is running around just before it hits the ground to give him his 'two seconds.' I have to assume it did, because you ended the post before with 'hundreds of pounds of glass' dropping, then started the next mentioning 'metal and glass' hitting the ground.

    There were also some issues with the wound. Using the term 'torn wide' created a completely different visual than the 'thin' streaks of blood you mention just afterward. As I touched on earlier, it seemed odd to me that the gash on his back didn't affect his body language at all. He wasn't hunched over, he didn't have one hand back there trying to hold it closed, he even 'strode' into the tailor's shop. Other than the mention of blood, and the loss thereof, I saw no effect. It was also odd that when he took off the red tie, he started burning blue ink. I thought he pulled out the other tie for a moment.

    Other than those issues, the action in the thread was mostly clear, what action there was. He really just broke a chandelier, stabbed a dude, bent some railings, and broke a window. I'm sure the lack of attention to detail was at least in part due to a lack of motivation to finish the thread, but it might not hurt to get into the habit of re-checking old details. A quick skim before writing the next post can help avoid a lot of these issues.


    Persona:

    Storm's mind set is developed well early on, unsurprisingly. You play him so consistently, I doubt it's even a conscious effort at this point. You described Storm's agitation well, which made sense given the strange contact method. I enjoyed the doodles; even as an assassin, he hasn't outgrown his childish side. That also shows up again with his quip at the guard who searched him. His animalistic side comes out pretty quickly once he sees his prey, however. It's a dichotomy I enjoy, and I think you play it well.

    I'm surprised Storm would give the other guy a cut when he thinks the other guy didn't bother coming, though. A lot of his reasoning involving Tobias seemed off to me, and wasn't entirely consistent. He didn't seem to recognize him at first, but later knows his reputation. It also seemed off that he so quickly brushed off being abandoned by his supposed 'partner,' as I mentioned earlier. Storm himself is still as solid as ever, but some of his logic in this particular thread didn't quite make sense.


    Mechanics

    There weren't a lot of issues, but there were always at least a few. Mostly, they were small things that probably just got missed during editing, and rarely anything consistent, except for one thing. There were several instances where not putting a hyphen in-between certain phrases caused some confusion. I've included a couple examples below, but didn't round up all of them.

    'The long, polished sand colored marble ahead' - The lack of a hyphen in 'sand-colored' made me think 'colored' was the verb. That's usually the issue with dropped hyphens.

    'ebony painted iron wrought railing' - If you're going to use two hyphenated phrases like this right next to each-other, as in post thirteen, you definitely need hyphens. Both 'painted' and 'wrought' could be verbs.


    Clarity:

    Most of the thread was clearly described, but there were several instances of conflicting details. His suit was described as 'fine' at first, then 'off-rack' and 'loosely combed' afterwards. When he quipped to the guard he heard a 'good laugh' from viewers nearby, but then they 'apparently, didn't find it very funny.' You mention him storing the weapons he had on him, but then he just pulled them out when he needed them. The smell in the sewer was also described as 'overpowering' at first, then 'dilute' a few paragraphs later. The main problem was the 'catwalk,' though.

    Catwalks are usually high-up and thin, like scaffolding, which it was at first when you said it was 'suspended.' Then, you described it like there were enough people following him to make the thing collapse, and then mentioned 'marble stairs' on the other side, and offices, like it was an open second floor. That visual appeared to stick, as you then mentioned ripping the railings out of 'cement.' That whole scene was rather off, but that was the only major problem. All of the other inconsistent details weren't very pivotal, so they didn't cause much pause.


    Technique:

    The pipe is a very present set-piece in the first post, the focus of the 'narrow' intro and even used for npc interactions. Tobias also went for a 'narrow' intro, so the thread started off in the action, and small in scope. The whole 'adventurers' intro of post five was a decent 'broad to narrow' intro on its own, but the perspective had remained mostly narrow since both of your intros. To kinda 'zoom back out' like that at the start of a post, after mostly interpersonal, focused perspective, made it seem like a separate scene at first; we only know him in this thread as an 'assassin' anyways. The second pull-back to do a 'broad to narrow' in post twelve worked pretty well, though, following the ending of the previous post. That whole 'quiet eye-of-the-storm' thing.

    Occasionally, you'll use a word that's unusually obscure, and while I can appreciate expanding one's vocabulary, I think Storm's personality fits a more casual style. Words like 'egress,' 'frenetic,' 'bloviated,' and 'cuprous.' While I knew most of them, they're fairly uncommon, especially the second two, and sound out-of-place in an otherwise very readable style. You use repetition quite well in your fifth post, with both 'supernatural' and 'brilliant.' There are other times you inadvertently repeat more common words, though, like ' Leering about the space about him,' 'open,' 'tall,' and 'blood' multiple times per sentence in post thirteen, and 'the crash of...soldiers crashing' in the last post. With the exception of the most common words, like 'the, and, of, etc,' avoiding repetition of even common words usually sounds better, in my experience.

    While not pervasive, I noticed a fair bit of passive voice in your descriptions, especially of actions, that could've made for sharper imagery with a stronger verb. A lot of 'was/were,' a few 'seem's. Avoiding those specific words in general can sharpen up any description; the verb is half the story, after all. I also wouldn't mind seeing some more color use, as I touched on in setting. The most prominent was the red of the tie, of course, but you only mentioned the blue of his suit once or twice. You also use the yellow of the sun a few times in description, but that's mostly it. Color and contrast, along with the sensory combo of sounds/smells, makes for vivid imagery. Setting is probably your weakest category, in my opinion; if you improve that, I think you can further round out your already impressive style.

    Also, I enjoyed the 'stuck in the middle with you' reference.


    Tobias:

    Using the npc interaction to give Tobias a cool entering line worked pretty well, and the npcs were amusing as well. Crumpling the paper into a ball would have made it take much longer to burn; though, and it definitely wouldn't have drifted on the wind with that shape. Your strength is in your descriptions, and you paint the war-torn city pretty vividly. Your interaction with his contact also reinforced the theme, and gave some additional details. Praising the tailor's verbal cues seems odd, however, when she basically just said it straight out. After the first two posts, though, your description becomes more 'set-it-and-forget-it.'

    There were several points where details in your posts didn't fit very well with Storm's. Tobias' letter sounded very different from the original, and much more casual. It also seemed odd that there was no real attempt to coordinate between the two assassins. Harping on the war thing with the protesters broke suspension of disbelief for me. It directly contradicted the quiet and mostly empty scene Storm had already set. You consistently interject tones that don't really match the rest of the thread, and have a fondness for one-off npcs. I didn't get a whole lot about Tobias' personality or world-view either, just bits of his circumstances.

    That scene with Elmira was pretty over the top, and really out of place in what was supposed to be an assassination thread. He was 'woefully aware' of the pain he had caused, but the way he toyed with her I somehow doubt that. His whole interaction with Elmira was too short to mean anything, ultimately pointless, and had many cliche elements. Decent use of color with the stained-glass windows, but after that whole Elmira affair, it seemed pretty heavy-handed. A little more effort to coordinate your themes and tones with the rest of the thread could help in the future.



    Though it had its problems, it was still a decent read. You both brought solid styles to the table, for varying lengths of time, and salvaged a passable assassination story from it. A bit of lost potential, but what'cha gonna do. Hopefully, some of my suggestions will prove helpful. If either of you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a pm.
    "He literally travelled from one end of Corone to the other and back in two posts...
    These actions are essentially akin to finding a rail gun on the ground in the Citadel and using it against your opponent."
    Max_Dirks, AC Round One

    Ebivoulya (Level 3)

    Steppe It Up (feat. Storm)
    Who You Gonna Call? (feat. Elthas)
    Low Stretches The Hand (feat. Gum)

  5. #5
    Hand of Virtue
    EXP: 85,914, Level: 12
    Level completed: 69%, EXP required for next level: 4,086
    Level completed: 69%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,086

    AP
    7
    GP
    16,670
    SirArtemis's Avatar

    Name
    Artemis Eburi
    Age
    28
    Race
    Human (+ Dovicarus)
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Dark Brown and Gray
    Eye Color
    Piercing Blue
    Build
    5'8"
    Job
    Smith

    Story
    Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

    It definitely helps when you kick something off with a prompt that you can run with, which in this case was the mission board assassination. However, because it isn't entirely yours either, building depth into it can be a challenge. That was one of my issues in this case. I knew there were citizens who wanted him dead, and that it was to stop the bloodshed, but I suppose I still had little context to link the actual target with any wrongdoing. That made it difficult to feel any sort of satisfaction when the mark died, or feel invested in the mission. As such, the pace of this thread flew by. It was basically get paid, meet your contact, and go kill the guy. There wasn't much suspense or investment and I felt like I was reading spark-notes and fast-forwarding.

    For setting, I knew I was in Radasanth and saw a lot of the familiar items but struggled generally with knowing my environment. That could totally be on me though and not being sufficiently focused.


    Character
    Communication, Action, and Persona

    This is one place where I think Storm shines. The character has his own mannerisms, habits, and tendencies that really stand out and recur in your writing, which I appreciate because it helps me paint a vivid and familiar picture. I have a decent idea of who Storm is as a person, and it stays true in this thread. Tobias was more enigmatic and I didn't get much from him other than he's a young guy who is stoic, reputable, and a womanizer.


    Prose
    Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

    There were a handful of mistakes throughout but nothing super disruptive. I think in the end the clarity for me also dropped when there were inconsistencies between the authors. For example, this whole thread seemed to happen in the span of a single morning, from Storm getting his instructions to escaping to the sewers. Alas, the temperature varied between the beginning and end. I'd also say that the actual scene with the chandelier falling was not entirely clear, from how everyone was set up to the escape after the fact. Again, this may be on me and not having focused sufficiently to absorb all the elements.


    Wildcard

    Sucks when a team mate drops out, but it happened at a good enough time for you to run with it and I think you did what you could to scavenge what you could. The time gap also makes it immensely hard to know what you did or didn't do and clean up inconsistencies.

    All in all, clean kill, but I almost imagined Storm would have managed to pull that off more cleanly. I would have even liked if you had let him go from this room and come back to find him in another way through some ability of yours. Still a fun read.
    2011 Althy Winner - Most Realistic Character
    2016 Althy Winner - Best Contributor & Player of the Year (tie)

    Artemis Eburi Wiki Page
    Current Character Profile

    Solo Quests:
    Hidden Beneath The Canopy (75)
    Lost Loot of Lornius (74)

  6. #6
    Member
    EXP: 91,535, Level: 13
    Level completed: 11%, EXP required for next level: 12,465
    Level completed: 11%,
    EXP required for next level: 12,465

    AP
    55
    GP
    6,985
    Revenant's Avatar

    Name
    William Arcus
    Age
    Mid-30's (apparent age)
    Race
    Revenant
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Black Stubble
    Eye Color
    Molten Fire
    Build
    5'11"/178lbs
    Job
    Freelance Murder Machine

    View Profile
    Heyo! I’m certainly no professional writer, but you asked for comments so do what you will with my thoughts on your story.

    Story:
    This was a nice, quick story that flowed together well. Though the loss of Tobias left a portion of the story open, Storm did a good job of continuing his end of the thread smoothly and in a natural way that didn’t miss a beat. That said, though the story was well executed there wasn’t much meat to it. I never got a feel for the reason for you to be participating in the assassination other than that money was involved. Definitely enough for a character motivation, but still a pretty bare reason story wise. The setting was nicely put together and I never felt like the thread was taking place in a void. At the same time, you didn’t get bogged down in the description of your locale, letting me fill in the gaps with my own style. Your pace hits a little snag with the loss of Tobias but Storm handled that in what felt like the best way possible. My only real critique was with the initial few posts getting the two of you together, which felt very slow.

    Character:
    I enjoyed reading both these characters, and the way you wrote them left me with no doubt that you intimately know who they are and how they will genuinely act. Storm’s inner monologue really opened the insight into his character and the way you wrote his actions were short but smoothly realized. You didn’t need lines and lines of text detailing every tiny action that Storm made to be clear and leave a solid visual for me. Tobias gave little more impression than a surly asshole, and I found myself questioning the reason for that but, sadly, was left hanging.

    Prose:
    What’s there to say? This thread was mechanically sound, easy to understand, and written with a clean flow. Only Tobias’ departure pulled me out of the thread, and the way Storm handled it was perfect.

    Wildcard (for whatever reason): 10/10 red ties are tacky.

    Though this thread didn’t seem to be one that will have a lot of impact character-wise, sometimes it is nice to just see a non-epic section of a character’s time. An enjoyable read, though one bogged down with the untimely departure of one of its writers.
    "I have looked upon all that the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me." - Call of Cthulhu

    David vs. Goliath: History's first recorded critical hit.
    JC Thread - The Bitter King

  7. #7
    Deliver Us
    EXP: 60,694, Level: 10
    Level completed: 61%, EXP required for next level: 4,306
    Level completed: 61%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,306

    AP
    5
    GP
    6,295
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow!

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    "Hilarious question, particularly from you. Did you ever ask why? Why we toppled all those dictators, undermined all those regimes, only to come home: "Well done, good job, but sorry, old boy, everything you risked your life and limb for has changed."

  8. #8
    Deliver Us
    EXP: 60,694, Level: 10
    Level completed: 61%, EXP required for next level: 4,306
    Level completed: 61%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,306

    AP
    5
    GP
    6,295
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    JDD2035 receives 350 EXP, 30 GP and 2 AP!
    Flames of Hyperion receives 910 EXP, 30 GP and 5 AP!
    Ebivoulya receives 420 EXP, 30 GP and 5 AP!
    SirArtemis receives 840 EXP, 30 GP and 4 AP!
    Revenant receives 910 EXP, 30 GP and 2 AP!

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "Hilarious question, particularly from you. Did you ever ask why? Why we toppled all those dictators, undermined all those regimes, only to come home: "Well done, good job, but sorry, old boy, everything you risked your life and limb for has changed."

  9. #9
    Deliver Us
    EXP: 60,694, Level: 10
    Level completed: 61%, EXP required for next level: 4,306
    Level completed: 61%,
    EXP required for next level: 4,306

    AP
    5
    GP
    6,295
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    31
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Gold
    Build
    6'0", 155lbs
    Job
    "Executor" (Leader) of the Brotherhood

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    All rewards added!

    Althanas Operations Administrator



    "Hilarious question, particularly from you. Did you ever ask why? Why we toppled all those dictators, undermined all those regimes, only to come home: "Well done, good job, but sorry, old boy, everything you risked your life and limb for has changed."

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