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Thread: A Bakers Knight

  1. #11
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    “I don't think I could stay away from you if I tried Amari,” He said softly. He closed his eyes as he stepped closer to her and whispered, “If we are being honest, I have a gift for you…”

    “W-what?” She asked, she was ever so innocent and painstakingly kind, Joshua wished that just once, she would be selfish. “You don’t have to get me anything Joshua. Your company is more than enough.”

    His hand gently moved from her chin up to a cheek as he gently pressed his lips against hers in a chaste kiss. She tasted sweet, like sugar and jam, but the salty taste of her tears lingered upon her soft lips. He gently pressed his forehead against hers before he whispered, “I hope you liked it. It was the only gift you've let me give you, but I have more should you wish.”

    “I’d want nothing more than I’d want that…” She whispered in earnest, with red cheeks. He smiled as he leaned in and gave her another kiss, letting it linger between them. Her lips parted ever so slightly as she breathed in deep, her arms finding their way back around his shoulders.

    He kissed her deeply, feeling an explosion of emotions between them as suddenly he felt too clothed. He reached up to the clasp on his breastplate and loosened it. He wanted to feel their bodies against one another, and needed the feeling of Amari against his skin.

    His eyes looked into hers deeply and he carefully pulled off the breastplate, laying it gently on the chair as he whispered, “Amari, I don't care about anything other than you. I don't want you to go through life just surviving. I want you to live, to love and be loved.”

    Her fingers danced through his hair, her nails scraping against his skull fulfilling a desire between them. She shifted her hands to run down the length of his arms and griped his hands, guiding them to the lace at her back which held her dress in place.

    Carefully he undid the knots as he kissed her hungrily feeling her own needs pour back into him. It was a sharing of emotion that seemed to feed into itself bringing them closer and closer as more flesh was joined. He kissed her as hands ran over the recently bared shoulders. It was intoxicating, the passion welling between them, and he didn't want to abandon it for anything.

    Joshua was indulging in every desire with Amari exploring her body as she did his. Every scar, every bump and bruise was discovered with a sharing of how it got there. Joshua probably had more bruises, but the myriad of scars on Amari's body concerned him as he kissed and soothed away the troubled thoughts they brought.

    Finally he whispered softly, “You're sure this is what you want?”

    She nodded, pressing her forehead to his, she laughed. A melodic laugh he had never heard from her before, and it only made him love her more. They kissed before he took her, careful to try and not hurt her with the act. They slowly worked with each other building a rhythm before she bit into his collarbone supressing a cry of passion. Joshua shuddered at the primal act as he held her close, trying to keep rhythm with her as they joined in a passionate embrace.

    The fire had died down as they finally finished, at last sated of their desires. They sat on the floor watching the burning embers, a quilted blanket about them to trap the heat. Joshua’s head rested on her shoulder as he whispered gently in her ear, “I wish we could stay like this forever…”

    She rolled over into him, her chest pressed tightly against his. He could feel the steady thrum of her heart against his. “I have this memory, as much as I like forever, this right now is good enough for me.”

    Joshua nuzzled gently into her neck as he said softly, “I love you Amari. However I'm expected at the Barracks. I need to go, but when I return, we will discuss our future. I promise you, the future will be ours, no one else's.”

    He put his clothes back on before he kissed her once more, breaking it before he knew he would indulge in her once more. Carefully he exited the Bakery as he looked around and said softly to Amari, “I'll talk to you when I get back. Stay safe Amari.”

    She had an old blanket draped over her shoulders, it was messy and frayed, but on her, it looked perfect. She tilted her head slightly to the side, and smiled warmly at him, squeezing his hand tightly, Joshua soaked up the warmth, returning it with one of his own. “I look forward to it...Joshua.” She left him with the smallest of kisses that tickled his cheek with warmth before she disappeared back into the bakery.

    From the shadows a cloaked figure watched the final exchange before it headed back to the Duke’s Manor. It was time to report to the mistress about her fiance...
    How something is said, is just as important as what is said. -Anonymous

  2. #12
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    Name
    Amari Ciel L'Olfsden
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    Amari never expected her night to end the way it had. A part of her tried to convince herself it was a dream. She went to bed, and woke up the next morning thinking it had been a dream, if it weren’t for the single silken black glove he had left. That tiny piece of clothing was fancier, and worth more than anything in the entire store and house. During her morning routine Amari had picked it up and placed it in the band of her apron without a second thought, the black was a stark contrast to her usual pale attire.

    As usual, the first thing she did was check in on her father. He was still asleep, and his forehead was warm with fever. It was concerning.. he wasn’t doing too well, barely coherent. She longed to stay by his side till he awoke and tell him stories of Joshua, and of the night before, although she’d leave out the part where they made love. Alas... Amari knew she had a job to do, she left him with a book on his bedside table and a kiss on the forehead before embarking on the tedious task of preparing the bakery for the day. Her mornings began before dawn where she started the baking, some of the treats were still good from the day before, but things like croissants, breads, pies, and cream filled buns were all made fresh daily.

    Like clockwork, Amari’s bakery was open and ready for the public at daybreak, some of the items wouldn’t be ready till a few hours later but that was never an issue. Amari had slowly began to downsize the items she cooked, there was little reason to fill a store no one visited.

    The early morning light shone through the window as she sat behind the counter. Short hair once again neatly tied back with a modest bandanna, by her side was a steaming cup of milk tea and she was enjoying a slice of hot bread with jam.

    The door jingled and Amari looked up, hoping to see Joshua before he left, instead, Ophelia had walked in, a serene smile on her face. “Amari. How lovely it is to see you…”
    (23:17:08) BlackAndBlueEyes: Everything's coming up Lyehouse

  3. #13
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    The ship had traversed the seas. The knights aboard worked alongside the sailors to ensure a safe passage. Sometimes they helped secure the sails, others they looked menacing as armed frigates would pass by. More than once the captain was sure there were pirates circling, yet nothing happened. They safely made port in Dheathain, delivering the supply of wood from Concordia.

    Joshua was relieved they had only stayed a day in port, to make up some time lost when the winds had refused to blow. The return trip was just as tense, but no less boring in the long run. It was certainly stressful in the moment, but after the experience of the trip to Dheathain, the trip home was nothing. He was happy to know he was technically not needed, but understood that one day, if he continued these voyages he would be.

    The ship pulled into port, disgorging its passengers, David and Jonathan both leaving for the Barracks. Joshua had pressing business to attend to, and so he diverged. The two men ribbed him casually saying he was spending too much time with the girl, but Joshua knew this was the moment of truth. Moving up the way he came to the street that held Amari’s Bakery. He steeled himself coming to it as he saw there was no sign of life. The place looked abandoned. Chairs were knocked over, dust everywhere, the door sealed. The love and care that was consistent with Amari’s diligence were gone.

    He tried to open the door, hearing the bell jingle on the other side as he felt the door stay resolutely shut.

    He tried again, then again. FInally his shoulder was sore from trying to force the door as an old man walked by. He looked at Joshua before he asked, “What are you doing?”

    “Is Amari still here?” Joshua asked, his gaze not leaving the door.

    “Surely you knew? Where have you been, knight?” The man replied.

    Joshua felt the bottom of his stomach drop out as he gripped the man by the shoulders, “Please, sir. Tell me what happened! Where is Amari?”

    The man placed a steadying hand on Joshua’s shoulder before he spoke, “She was arrested not too long ago. She was found guilty of witchcraft, and has been sentenced to hang from the neck until dead.”

    Joshua felt the strength drain from him as he had to lean against the bakery for support. His eyes closed painfully before he realized something and opened them, “has been sentenced? Then the sentence hasn’t been carried out?”

    The man shook his head as Joshua rushed to the prison. Amari would have been held there, if not to prevent her from running, then to keep her safe from mob justice. He needed to find her before her execution, and he knew deep down, there was no going back. Once he saw her, he would be unable to leave her side anymore. Not with the way things had escalated, he couldn’t afford to let the rumors and mob justice get a second chance at her.
    How something is said, is just as important as what is said. -Anonymous

  4. #14
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    Amari Ciel L'Olfsden
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    The week started out just like any other, she’d open the shop, have a few visitors, close it, and go on her nightly walk to the slums to donate the leftover produce of the day. Ophelia began to visit more often, sometimes twice daily. It was a nice change of pace. Amari began to enjoy her talks with the woman, she constantly gushed over Joshua, and talked about how they were going to live their life together when he returned.

    The guilt began to eat away at Amari, it was on the first evening of the second week where she decided to tell Ophelia what happened. The two sat at a table within her shop, Amari held Ophelia’s hand in her own, and with teary eyes confessed everything. How she had adored and loved Joshua for years, how she had planned to live and let be, how she was happy for Ophelia and him to be wed… Amari told the woman, whose eyes darkened how she had slept with him the night before he left. Amari was met with a sharp slap to the face, it was expected.

    “We’re not done…” Ophelia sneered as she stood and left the bakery, Amari sat in silence with a heavy heart. She had not only damned herself, but her father, and Joshua. Twilight turned to night, and it was then, Amari finally stood.

    Before she could busy her mind with her menial work there was a flurry of movement, her front door was slammed open, tables were strewn and chairs tumbled as she was pushed to the floor. It was the guard, the very people who occasionally accompanied Joshua here with her. Tears dotted her eyes. “W-what...why?” She gasped, straining to see anything.

    She could hear more movement as men forced their way into the back of the shop, Amari feared for her father's life, he was already so weak. Her store… and her home were being ransacked. “Why…?”

    “Amari June Helliflair,” A gruff man spoke, but Amari could only see his shoes. Black and polished leather with metal lace tips. “You have been accused of witchcraft, your birth killed your mother, witnesses claim golden light erupting from your hands, you are seen skulking around the slums, and have enchanted and bedded a Sir Joshua Arcus. How do you plead to these charges?”

    “I...I just-” She received a kick to the gut and her words were lost.

    “Sir! Her father, he’s dead!”

    “Add the murder of a one George John Helliflair to the list. You are found guilty, and will be hung in three days.”

    Her entire world came crashing down in those few moments, she had been given no time to grieve the loss of her father, or her freedom. Amari offered no fight as she was dragged out of the store and placed in chains. She barely lifted her head as the upper middle class people congregated, some throwing stones at her.

    If they believe Joshua to be enchanted...may he be spared my fate…. Amari thought, and it was the last thought she had before she was knocked out cold.

    For three days she was left chained in a dark cell, no sunlight, no food, and no water.

    It was nearly daybreak. She now stood atop a stockade with a loose noose around her neck. Her arms and feet were bound in iron shackles. Her head had been shaved, her eyes bruised and swollen. Her lips cracked from dehydration. A crowd had come to watch, murmurs of both contentment and dissent rumbled through the crowd. Amari kept her head low, she had lost the desire to fight and knew it was pointless to beg. She had no hope of survival, and her body was in pain. She had accepted her death sentence.

    “You have been denied your last rites. May your neck snap, and you have a quick death.” The acting general of the knights said, as he pulled the lever, and the trapdoor below Amari’s feet opened.

    Her neck did not snap, she hung, her body writhing as she struggled to breath, the crowd erupted in both cheers and jeers, amongst all the pain, all the hate, and the excruciating pain of suffocation, she thought she could hear Joshua’s voice.

    Her bloodshot eyes fluttered, and if tears could fall, they would have.

    Oh how cruel my heart is, fooling me into thinking he is here

    Her world grew ever darker, and for the first time in her life, Amari was ready to accept death, and to stop fighting so hard against a life that had been so cruel to her.
    (23:17:08) BlackAndBlueEyes: Everything's coming up Lyehouse

  5. #15
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    “THAT’S ENOUGH!” the words boomed through the courtyard as the sounds of boots slapping against cobblestones could be heard. The crowd seemed shocked as they turned to see a truly furious Joshua Arcus bear down on the executioner's stand. He vaulted past the guards without so much as a stutter, moving up onto the stand before he drew a dagger and gripped the rope that held the choking Amari.

    “Sir Arcus! Stand down now! You are not well, she has bewitched your mind!” one of the guards spoke. While he was arguing Joshua had already cut through the rope and carefully let Amari down, dropping through the stockade as he carefully hugged her tightly. Her breathing was shallow and she was barely conscious.

    He carefully led her out, even as rocks began to fly. He didn't dare falter and covered Amari, shielding her from the hate. The guards finally gathered around him as Joshua spoke his voice holding a restrained fury, “I can't believe you dare call yourselves Knights! Look at you!”

    “The girl has been found guilty of Witchcraft. She murdered her father, mother, enchanted you, and has been seen performing unholy rites against the sick and infirmed. A just court of law has determined-”

    “Just court my ass!” Joshua rarely if ever swore and even more seldom to a superior. He stood defiantly before Amari, sheathing the dagger as he spoke, “We both know what this is. If she is a witch you never would have caught her. She has been nothing but a positive influence on this community. Things should have been so much worse if she were a witch for you monsters had given her ample reason to wreak vengeance upon you!”

    “Sir, you are interfering with an act of justice. A move unbecoming a Knight of the Crown-” again the man was interrupted.

    “To hell with the Crown and to hell with you! I swore to protect all from injustice and a girl whose most horrific act is feeding the poor shouldn't be so much as fined! Not even hung,” Joshua replied. He closed his eyes as he clenched his gloved hand tightly, making the leather squeal.

    Amari reached up with shaking hands, they lightly touched Joshua’s shoulder, and began to glow a soft golden hue. Joshua knew what she was doing, it was so like her. She was trying to make it look like she was bewitching him, when the only damn thing that light ever did was heal.

    He looked back at her before he spoke his words soft, “Don't milady. You have nothing to atone for.” the guards drew steel on the two of them before Joshua laughed bitterly, “Is this how you carry out justice? Against an unarmed woman who was merely eking out a living, while you stood by and refused to help?”

    “You aren't giving us a chance Joshua, she's ensnared you with her dark magics! Ophelia let us know.”

    Joshua wasn't even paying attention anymore as the last piece clicked into place. Ophelia was trying to remove the only barrier between her and Joshua. He carefully shielded Amari as he watched the knights.

    “Is this what you base justice on now? Rumors and hearsay? Is this what the vaunted Knights of Vorsport do? Participate in witch trials without even bothering to follow their own laws?”

    “We have said this multiple times Sir Arcus. She has been found guilty of many crimes-” the acting General was cut off as Joshua pointed at him.

    “Did you carry out trial? Was she allowed witnesses to talk for her? Did you even bother with her side of the story before you threw her in the stockade?” The challenge was set as Joshua held his ground, a hand gently touched her shoulder, letting her know he was there.
    How something is said, is just as important as what is said. -Anonymous

  6. #16
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    Mari's Avatar

    Name
    Amari Ciel L'Olfsden
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    Amari was barely coherent, she could taste blood in her mouth and could only assume it was from a wound in her head. She didn’t have the strength to open her eyes, or continue to heal a perfectly fine Joshua.

    “Did you see!? Her hands were glowing, she’s ensnared him again!”

    “Sir Arcus let go, you’re not yourself.”

    They still think this is my fault, if he were to just let me go, he’d be safe and free to live out his life. So why….why won’t he let go?? Amari thought as she felt his grip around her tighten. The flood of warmth from his body was both comforting and terrifying. She loved the man but she was so terribly afraid he’d ostracise himself, and he’d meet the same fate.


    The crowd quieted down as Ophelia stepped up to the stockade, “Joshua….” Her voice was filled with rue, “Please, do you not remember the night we shared by a dying fire? Has she truly made you believe she were the one you were with? Think about it Joshua. Please…” She begged him, stepping forward and placing a hand on his shoulder.

    “How does it make any sense? A single woman in charge of running and maintaining an entire bakery and shop, with no mother and no father? How did she get the ingredients? How was she able to continue a business no one frequented? What of all the people she supposedly helped? Why are they not here now?” The crowd was quiet, the smallest of smirks appeared on Ophelia’s features before she quelled it and continued. “Joshua...she’s given you all these false memories..please let her go and come back to us.”

    “Come back to you? I would have had to have been with you in the first place. I wasn't even told of our betrothal until just before I left. Even now I find we’re in different worlds. You can have high society, I find it utterly droll…” Joshua called back, “I actually know the answers to all your questions, but you don't care about those do you? Your viper's tongue only cares about making sure I'm yours, and no one else's.”

    He looked out, “Go ahead, if Amari has done anything to help you, speak up, let your voice be heard! I won't let them silence you in this mockery of justice.”

    A voice rang out, loud and clear over the deathly quiet crowd. “She used dat dere hand on me once! Healed up mah breathing good and proper!”

    Slowly but surely they began to shout out, spurred forth by Joshua’s resilience to the knights.

    “She always feeds our family!”

    “If it weren’t for her I would have drowned!”

    “She helped my farm!”

    One by one the lower class began to call out, even as the upper class tried to pull them back and silence them. One man in particular pushed forward, grabbed Joshua and yanked him away from Ophelia. “Come wid me.” He said.

    Carefully Joshua picked up Amari and whispered comforting words as he was lead through the crowd by the man. The time for talk was over it was obvious to all what had happened. The executioner called out, “Sir Arcus! If you leave with her you are forfeiting everything. Your title, your lands, your future. Think before you go!”

    “If allowing this travesty is being a knight, then take my title. I have no need of such things,” Joshua called back moving deeper through the crowd.

    “I’m Duncan.” The man grunted as he lead Joshua down a backstreet, taking a left turn, then a right, down a set of stairs and another two lefts. They were well and truly in the slums now, most paid them no heed, many, if not all had been aided by Amari in some way or another. “Miss Amari saved me’ life. I got a small boat down by the docks. I ain’t in no condition to use it no more. Yer can take it.”

    Joshua looked at the man before he carefully shifted Amari and handed a small pouch of money to the man, “Duncan, take this. Thank you.”

    Duncan’s eyes widened, he quickly pocketed the coin and lead them down to the docks, the Knights were still searching the streets, and had yet to reach the conclusion that others would come to Amari’s aid. “Here.” Duncan lead them to a fishermans boat. It was small, clearly only used for short trips. “There’s a cabin downstairs, got one bed, small space. Should do yer, may not be clean but beggars can’t be choosers ey?” He asked with a small laugh before turning serious, his eyes falling to the unconscious Amari.

    “Yer look after her. Yes?”

    “Of course.”

    And with that, the two silently slipped away upon the darkened ocean, gentle waves lapping at the boat as it tore them away from a home that betrayed them.
    (23:17:08) BlackAndBlueEyes: Everything's coming up Lyehouse

  7. #17
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    The small boat stayed near the coast, drifting on the tides as Joshua carefully moved Amari to the sole bed. He looked upon her with grave concern as he gently stroked her cheek, “Are you alright?”

    She stirred, groaning. She lifted a bruised arm to her head. Her wrists were still a raw red from where the iron shackles had sat. “I’m...alive?” She asked, her voice croaked, raspy from dehydration.

    Joshua grabbed a cup and filled it from the water barrel offering it to her as he said softly, “Small sips. You've been through a lot milady.”

    She took it and drank from it. Her head, bald from where it looked like they not only cut and shaved, but tore chunks of her hair out was red and raw. She seemed to be aware of this as she glanced up at him, shying away as she pressed herself back into the dingy bed, pulling a musty blanket over her head. “Why did you do that? C-Couldn’t you see I was trying to s-stop you?”

    “You needed help, I couldn't refuse you if I tried,” Joshua replied truthfully, “I couldn't let them kill you Amari. I would never be able to live with myself if I just stood there and did nothing.”

    He could hear the sounds of her sobbing from beneath the blanket, he carefully pried it away from her hands and scooped her up into a warm embrace, her breath tickled his skin as she gripped him tight. “Joshua...you can never go back. They’ll kill you. Your friends… your family…”

    Joshua gently rose her chin up to look her in the eyes, “Much like you, I never belonged. I couldn't sell my ideals to get ahead, and because of that Vorsport lost a Knight for trying to make me. Don't grieve for my future Amari, we're free.”

    Amari pressed her forehead to his, “I love you.”

    Joshua smiled as he whispered back, “I love you too.”

    ~*~

    The days went by as they followed the coast, Joshua trying his hardest to use the information he had gained from his trip to avoid plowing into the shoreline of Corone. Every night was exhausting, but the thought of spending more time with his beloved pushed him on.

    Meals were scarce until they finally reached a small fishing village. Then he had sold the ship, and made plans to move inland. Stories of a disgraced Knight were muttered as mere gossip, and Joshua had kept his tunic in his bag wisely. Amari's head was kept under a small rag to hide the damage that had been done as her hair grew out.

    Underwood was the goal. There they could get a cabin in the woods, and disappear from the world. Joshua was tired of the greed and corruption, and was wary of how they had treated a baker’s daughter as if she were a traitor. Some time away was definitely warranted.
    How something is said, is just as important as what is said. -Anonymous

  8. #18
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    Mari's Avatar

    Name
    Amari Ciel L'Olfsden
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    Ar'Tuel Soul; Human Body
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    Dark Crimson
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    Emerald, yellow ring around iris
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    They managed to procure a cabin and Amari was slowly beginning to accept that this was their life. In the beginning she had been wracked with guilt and often thought of ways to make it up to the man. Joshua had given up everything for her, and Amari didn’t feel herself worthy of such cause. At times, she had wished she died that day on the stockade, just so he could be safe and warm but those thoughts began to change as she saw the smile on his face whenever he saw her, even in her pitiful state. It kept her going, it consoled her, it told her ‘this was right’.

    The land around them was fertile enough for farming, so the red-headed baker's daughter worked with the disgraced knight; teaching him how to sow the land and care for the crops. As she promised all those months ago, she even showed him how to make his favourite brew of tea.

    The days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, and as time flows, months to years. Unlike Vorsport, the people here adored Amari, and upon finding out she had the capability to heal, she was offered a job at the priestess temple. The two were beloved by the community, and the troubles of their past were nothing more than bitter memories.

    Amari held Joshua close in her heart, loving him with everything she was capable of, and he offered the same in return. Their lives settled into uneventful peace, and, as with all fairy tales, this was their happily ever after.

    If only all lives were so blessed...
    (23:17:08) BlackAndBlueEyes: Everything's coming up Lyehouse

  9. #19
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    Judgement Title: A Baker's Knight
    Type of Judgement: Basic Judgement and Workshop Request

    Submitted for Workshop 24/04/2017

    Not to be closed as Basic Judgment to be registered along with rewards by judge within one week. AP cost will also be calculated and deducted at this stage.
    "Tol. Mela. Othor." "Versh. Sai. Memnae." Come. Love. Conquer. - Philomel in Tolkein Sindarin, Faunish and Tradespeak

    Very grateful winner of 2015 Althies Awards: Friendliest Member, Mrs Althanas, Best IC Rivalry (with Doge), Best Judge and Most Helpful/Friendly Mod and Admin Award of Moderator of the Year.

  10. #20
    Lyre-Bearer
    EXP: 57,929, Level: 10
    Level completed: 36%, EXP required for next level: 7,071
    Level completed: 36%,
    EXP required for next level: 7,071

    AP
    70
    GP
    6,755
    Philomel's Avatar

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    28
    Race
    faun
    Gender
    female
    Hair Color
    violet (dyed)
    Eye Color
    grey
    Build
    6ft / 156kg
    Job
    Matriarch (Gilded Lily, Feminist Guild)

    View Profile
    Thread Title: A Bakers Knight
    Judgement Type: Basic Judgement

    Commentary:

    Tainted Bushido:

    Strengths:

    Paragraphing was done marvellously well for yourself in this piece, which you used to create a more intriguing and enrapturing story, with a well-paced plot. It helped to build up your tension well, and the parts of high action were made more exciting with paragraphing. Post 15 and 5 are good examples of this. Small sentences build up to larger once, making a great sense of tension rising. This is done well throughout, with a consistency that is enchanting, so well done in this.

    Your introduction was done particularly well, with a well written opening paragraph. The word choice and paragraphing was chosen carefully, with neat small sentences to build up to a resounding beginning. For a short one-piece this is particularly important, for the setting of the scene is what starts the adventure and can mean the difference between success and failure. You gave enough information, and enough detail for your character and his important role in the plot.

    Dialogue was a well-used tool for you in this piece. Coming from your character they purvey a noble man, a proud individual and stay true to his personality all the way through. There is a consistency of abbreviations and methods of phrasing. There is also a sweetness in his voice, and a well-versed romantic who has a way with words, even though they are maybe simple in terms, and not overly elaborated, which fits in well for the local township community feel of the piece.

    Weaknesses:

    Development could have been done into the relationship between Joshua and Ophelia. Something seemed a little lacking in terms of explanation – the issue of why he and she were chosen for each other could have been developed more. As a plot point this is a central hinge for the story itself, there was mention of the fact that she was a noble’s daughter and Joshua an officer in the patrolling army, but little else.

    Though there are some strong points of description in this thread, there have been other times when you, as a writer, have shown stronger promise. Use of adjectives is merely the basis for linguistic technique and it would have been good to see some imagery and more intense and unusual vocabulary.

    The romantic scene is somewhat lacking in some sense, though it has a base in being realistic and true to the character of both. What it seemed to lack was a depth of power and beauty. There were the basics in terms of a lovemaking scene but there could definitely have been more development leading up to this as well as in it itself. Though this piece is short here is where there could have been more writing, especially as its importance to the plot. You did convey some form of desire within Joshua beforehand, but making this also more obvious in development would have helped.

    Amari:

    Strengths:

    Using poetry to add flavour was an excellent choice for this thread. The first poem hints at what the story might reveal about Amari and the idea of that this story is part of a previous life for herself. It is joined in the last post, with the final sentence of “If only all lives were so blessed...,” and links to Amari’s current life as ‘Red’. Sandwiching the story between these is neat and has a beautiful elegance to it, so well done here.

    Setting was well designed and written by yourself, with the first introduction of the bakery that led into a continued frame for the setting of the piece. Inclusion of such things as scents and sounds added to the brilliant description often seen in it. Encouragement would be made here to continue on this great path, and in further threads use this to your strength. Adding it further, even as a continued metaphor which is touched upon here with the title, would be one way to develop your writing.

    Description was done well in its basics, with some great word use and artistic techniques. Post 9 for instance had, “looking up at him with innocent curiosity in her green and gold verdant gaze.” Alliteration is in use in your posts, as is a good vocabulary. This can definitely be built upon, and offers some brilliant scope for the rest of your thread. Overall it is written well, with excellent clarity and over time you have managed to become more skilled in your technique.

    Weaknesses:
    Pacing is somewhat irregular in this piece for you, and there is an uncertain amount of rises and falls which sometimes do not fit with the plot. With the first introduction of Ophelia to the final ending of the trial there are various uses of sentence length and general paragraphing that do not add much in order to assist with a powerful paced piece. The main rise of the action is there, but in future I would encourage to try to use more examples of paragraphing, such as in post 16, where you have the various voices speaking out in shorter portions.

    Plot could have been developed a little more, with a further idea of where this version of Amari came from, and what her past was. The witch trial was explained to some extent her past, but there was a scope here for some more story that you missed. More description to do with the death of her father and mother would have been good, as well as development of the idea that Amari’s mother died in childbirth, and what that means for their society. In general the plot written and the ideas for her being accused of witchcraft were believable, however, so the basis was there. Do not be afraid of adding in extra reasoning or a couple of other posts.

    Mechanics had a couple of problems in your thread, though it was not a major issue. In small amounts, however, there were some mistakes that would not get perfect score in a Full Rubric Judgement. In the title and also in post 6 a “bakers daughter” is written without the possessive apostrophe (should be, “baker’s”). Also, some points of punctuation (‘“… be happy.” Amari said …’ should be ‘“… be happy,” Amari said…’ This, and other small spelling mistakes weaken your posts, and just a brief read over and edit can help this in future.

    Rewards:


    Score: 50

    Tainted Bushido receives:
    855 EXP
    80 GP

    Mari receives:
    1020 EXP
    90 GP

    Cost: 3 AP from Mari.
    Last edited by Philomel; 05-07-17 at 02:47 PM.
    "Tol. Mela. Othor." "Versh. Sai. Memnae." Come. Love. Conquer. - Philomel in Tolkein Sindarin, Faunish and Tradespeak

    Very grateful winner of 2015 Althies Awards: Friendliest Member, Mrs Althanas, Best IC Rivalry (with Doge), Best Judge and Most Helpful/Friendly Mod and Admin Award of Moderator of the Year.

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