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Thread: Workshop: Lost Loot of Lornius

  1. #1
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    Workshop: Lost Loot of Lornius

    Name of thread: Lost Loot of Lornius
    Name of Author: SirArtemis
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 18 posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 25th May 2017

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  2. #2
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    jdd2035's Avatar

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    Arte my friend how are ya? Let's get started shall we?


    Storytelling: (10 Points) I will find it incredibly hard to critique you for any thing. I find it hard to find faults in the average writer on here and you are a Judges Choice winner. Your story was really good. You have probably asked every one for input and help in writing it me included. Thank you for allowing me to contribute to this story. The story was well written and engaging I thoroughly enjoyed it.

    Setting: (10 Points)
    The air tasted of salt and fish. Calm water stretched in every direction as far as the horizon. A trio of dolphins danced beside our ship as it cut through endless blue toward Lornius. The scene openly contradicted the roiling waves of my temper flaring within, actively buried while we sailed on. I’d never been to Lornius, and truthfully hadn’t heard much but rumors of its floating city; at that point, it didn't really matter.
    Dude you present a fantastic opening for the setting right there it really rings the reader into the setting. I've smelled and tasted that exact setting before fishing in Alaska. After this first establishment of the setting you interspersed tidbits of more setting here and there. It was not overwhelming nor was it vague and slight I got a good sense of where you were in the world. I especially liked the early nautical terminology.

    Pacing: (10 Points) Let me be very un-apologetically clear here. YOU ARE A FREAKING JC WINNER! You know what you are doing when it comes to writing on here. The pacing was excellent your story wasn't overly slow nor was it outlandishly fast. Your ability to weave a story where I didn't get bored is astounding. I really enjoyed the pace if I were to compare it to a run it would be a nice easy one mile trail run.


    Communication: (10 Points) You communicate well; you have a fantastic grasp of the english language. I am actually intimidated to be doing this workshop. You use your internal, and external dialogue incredibly well you use NPC's to forward the plot, and at no time was any thing you were doing or saying unclear.

    Action: (10 Points) You are the J.J. Abrhams of Althanas. The action wasn't over the top but it was fun to read. Let me pause and say that action is not always swords, guns and mage fire going off in every direction in a scene of a terrible battle or outrageous duel. Sometimes action is walking across the street which I have every confidence that you could write in a very entertaining way. You use verbs and adverbs like a champ in your action excellent work.

    Persona: (10 Points) Solo's are nothing but persona! I feel like I have gotten to know your character that much better. I felt tension, I got excited, I was intrigued. This story really showed one thing over any thing else in this thread it was Arte's inquisitiveness. Arte may be this bad ass near godly blacksmith but his inquisitiveness is what makes Arte...feel like Arte! Very good work.


    Mechanics: (10 Points) Arte during my formative years of education I had 2 english teachers which used their position to try to intimidate me into taking their political point of view they could have cared less about teaching me english. The majority of the rest were apathetic and couldn't care less. So there is no way in hell I'm going to find fault in your mechanics.

    Clarity: (10 Points) You're writing is incredibly clear there was never a point in my read through where I was confused as to what was going on. You established the geography of your action and made your actions clear. I read incredibly fast and sometimes I gloss over things and have to re-read things or I miss out. I didn't have to re-read much on your thread.

    Technique: (10 Points)
    Technique is all about special literary devices. This includes foreshadowing, metaphors, and allusion.
    You do a terrific job at writing techniques. You efficiently use metaphor and allusions to forward the plot. You are a J.C winner there is nothing I can complain about here.

    Wildcard: Arte you deserve your light saber! This was a well thought out and written story i enjoyed the read even though I read it fast.

  3. #3
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    Sir Artemis, hello! Keep in mind that I am not by any means experienced at "giving my opinionstuff on writing", and I'm a little nervous about posting it; my critique should be critiqued, I feel? Hopefully, this is somewhat helpful to you anyway! Or, it’ll just be a spoonful of sugar to ease whatever bitter medicine anyone after me may have…

    Setting - I think you did a pretty good job of capturing Lornius in this! The whole thread began with a lovely little bit of descriptionary -- which I noticed JDD has already quoted -- and you just kept describing things. I’ve only recently-ish started trying to unlearn my “describe everything upfront and then just do storystuff” thing, so yeah, good on the that.
    Pacing - Don’t really have much to snip at here; actually, I think I could use some tips from you on this department. The thread length was nice, and I couldn’t identify any places that felt slow. There was always something happening or being described in a way that made it enjoyable to read and keep reading. Works for me!

    Persona - The best part about working with solos, is that they allow the author to completely inject their character’s personality and intentions into the work. It’s just them and their character(s). I didn’t know too much about Artemis going into this thread, so it was interesting to get to know him a little better through it. He comes across as a man of honor who’s seen some shit. That bit with the metal-doorway face made him come across as pretty stoic. All he did was raise an eyebrow at it! Your side characters felt well-done too. Even the door! I’m still getting the hang of making side characters into actual people, so I don’t really know how to go about critiquing these yet. I felt pretty sorry for Dalbur, even before he melted into a puddle of goo… Poor Dalbur.
    Action - Does this section mean action as in [i[battles[/i], or action as in things that the characters do? I kind of think of it as both? I kind of liked how Artemis was exploring the island and the workshop; I’m glad you took the time to flesh out the scenery a bit instead of rushing straight to the action (something I’m now noting for myself, heh). The appearance of the beast at the end was intriguing and provided a nice tension that really helped the story along. There was that nice sense of “holy shit!” that cumulated in the fleeing, and then NO DALBURRRR NOOOOO.

    Clarity - Your writing is incredibly clear to me. I think that’s in good part because you had the sense to scrub and get other’s opinions on it first, so if there were any big mistakes in your first draft, they were poof’d away.
    Mechanics - I’ll leave most of the nit-picky-specifics-poking to the people who have the attention span of -- well -- not Fenn.

    But there is a rare thing that I did notice that made me go “hey, this could be fixed a bit”! It’s one of those sneaky little writing-things that isn’t an obvious problem, but does sort of feel read to weird when you notice it. See this;

    She nodded back to me. She was so tall that she almost sat against the rail of the ship, which made me worry it would buckle under her weight and the whole crew would have to hoist her back up. She crossed her arms while playing with a coin with one hand, letting it dance between her knuckles. The image of a snake with various distinct heads glimmered in the fading light – the symbol of her guild.
    Three out of those four sentences start with the word she. Even worse, they’re all in a row, which makes it all the more obvious. It doesn’t happen often, but when I notice it, it feels off. Sentence variety is a good thing to have because it makes your writing more diverse and keeps your reader engaged. I also took a peek into your thread a while before, when it was just sort of beginning, and you started repeated sentences with “I” a lot, something that got reduced in this final-draft version that I’m reading now. Yay!

    On the other hand, your techniques were stellar. There’s nothing for me to criticize there. This metaphor-y thing in particular was something I liked;

    Lornius was the place that reminded a person with every waking breath that greed and selfishness pervaded this world as easily as a weed through a farmer’s garden.
    It just kind of felt right?

    <3 <3 <3

    Good read, engaging. You put a lot of effort into this, and it shows!
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  4. #4
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    Revenant's Avatar

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    I’ll try my best to give you some feedback, but I am far from a professional here. I’m just a guy who reads a lot. Please keep that in mind when looking at my feedback.

    Storytelling: This felt like a story that was written for you as the writer and not for me as the reader. While this story had a full arc, it felt too much like it was just a slice pulled out of a much larger story and without more background on how that larger story influenced it, this story felt like it had very little impact. I wasn’t sure why I was supposed to care about Artemis or what he was going through emotionally. You wrote out little snippets here and there referencing the things that were weighing on him, but it felt more like if I wanted to really connect with Artemis I had to go out and read everything else you’ve written. I understand that Artemis has a long, complex history, the weight of that drew me out of the story instead of drawing me in. This is my main problem with this story and I’ll explore more about why I found that to be a problem in other areas of the rubric.

    Setting: I really liked the setting that you put into this one. The scenes that you painted worked really well to draw me into the story. I could feel like I was on the little island off the coast of Lornius, trekking though the brush day after day with Artemis, and I found myself really wanting to know more about the dwarven workshop, how it fell, and why it’s sunken. Overall a really interesting location and it was pulled off very well.

    Pacing: This story has a really good pace to it. The drawn out nature of Artemis’ search and his discovery of the fortress gate was long enough to make me feel the length of time Artemis spent searching, while once in the old workshop your writing changed to feel like I was now caught up in a closer, more intimate search while still taking enough time to feel like Artemis was being careful. The only real complaint I have with the pace of the thread is how, once Artemis meets with Dalbur the story is pretty much 1, 2, over. The rapid finish was jarring given the carefully drawn out nature of the rest of the thread.

    Communication: I had a hard time pinning down my feelings on just what I thought of this category when I first went thought about my critique so reread the parts that stuck out to me and I think I pinned it down. Your characters’ communication is good, well written, and appropriate in context, but something didn’t quite feel right to me. After consideration I believe it’s because of what I mentioned earlier in the story section about how this is a “slice of the whole picture” story. As the characters talked I felt like they always knew more than I did as a reader.

    Action: Early on Antiope and Artemis mentioned how this was the perfect assignment for Artemis given his skillset. And then Artemis proceeds to have absolutely no difficulties whatsoever until the final fight with the giant mole thing. He just pulled out one power after another to overcome every minimal threat in his way, and it seemed like an endless parade of them. For one, I shouldn’t have to read the character’s profile to understand what’s going on with his powers. Second, not finding any challenge didn’t make Artemis feel like a badass, it made him feel boring and uninteresting. Finally, at the end when there was a real challenge Artemis just side-stepped, grabbed what he wanted, and then mystically teleported away without having to face anything. Ultimately it felt like you took a powerful D&D character sheet and then wrote it into a story, and while all those little things that make it easier to manage a tabletop RPG character, they make for a boring story character.

    Persona: This is another area that suffered from what I mentioned in the story category, though not too as extreme a degree. You specifically mentioned a couple of instances for why Artemis’ emotional state was the way it was, but that wasn’t until a couple of posts into the story. Because it took so long, I’d already established Artemis in my mind as a moping, emo character that is angry at the himself and the world for what feels like no reason. I get the sense that there’s more to it than that, but you keep that information hidden from the reader and simply trust that they’re either already familiar with Artemis’ story or will find enough interest to search it out for themselves. Sadly, this just isn’t the case here as Artemis never really moves past that world-weary phase nor gives me any reason to get invested in him as a character. That being said, there are some really nice parts that really do come through as interesting. Not having to know anything in depth about Artemis’ relationship with the Nordland brothers I got a good sense of Artemis’ character through his interaction with Bazzak. Second, and what really gave me a strong sense of Artemis’ character was how he initially dealt with the deformed Dalbur, specifically mentioning how to “never base your decisions on first impressions.” That was a good line and one that I don’t see used enough. It really gave Artemis an experienced air.

    Mechanics: Mechanically this was a really well written story. I could tell that you took your time to comb over it. The only thing that caught my attention was your use of a semi-colon in the first paragraph of post 5. There’s nothing wrong with how you used it, but my personal feelings are that if you’re using a semi-colon in a sentence there’s a better way to write that sentence.

    Clarity: If I came into this story with no idea of who Artemis Eburi was I would be completely lost. He’s on a mission to retrieve some schematics as part of … something. He’s a human but he’s got a seemingly endless list of powers to pull out all willy-nilly. You didn’t give much of an explanation for what Judicis is or how it works, even though it is a major plot point. From what I gathered it is a magical sentient artifact but that it also has its own mental world, and can read minds, and is a bow. Very confusing for someone who doesn’t know Artemis’ character. In the end, my suggestion here is that a reader shouldn’t have to read your profile to understand what you’re doing or how you’re doing it.

    Technique: In the end, this story felt like it was just a chapter of a much larger story and was written that way. You didn’t give much context or explanation for a lot of what was going on and as such I just couldn’t find myself getting invested in the character or his story.
    "I have looked upon all that the universe has to hold of horror, and even the skies of spring and the flowers of summer must ever afterward be poison to me." - Call of Cthulhu

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  5. #5
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    SirArtemis's Avatar

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    TY to those who read the story and provided feedback, and to those who may still post. It is greatly appreciated.
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  6. #6
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    Eteri's Avatar

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    From the first post it was fairly clear what the general sway of the thread was going to be "I need this meta! Yay adventure!"

    Despite it being set out like that, I liked how it turned into something more.

    I enjoyed the connection Bazzak had with the setting and the scenario; and the events that played out. It gave the whole thing a more human feel to it (or..err..dwarfish?) It gave an extra layer to the story.

    You coulda just done a typical in and out deal, maybe met the dwarf - but it would not have had the same impact as it did upon finding out that he was Bazzaks father.

    Setting can be hard to do in first person, you either end up droning on and on about one thing and it gets boring or you tend to sacrifice it. In some places it did feel like it was dragged on a bit, but it was broken up by actions, thoughts and emotions which really helped. In other places I loved the wording you used;

    The water felt thick as I sliced into it with both oars, dragging them along while the reluctant ocean resisted my passage. It felt good to find an outlet after so much time aboard Antiope's ship; the resistance only urged me on.
    Things like that, which made me think Artemis was not only travel weary but the tides were working against him.

    I also like it when setting interacts with characters. So you got ARtemis feeling the dark looming ...loomingness from Lornius you got him ripping branches off things, and interacting with the dust in the air and the

    Tiffy likes.


    Admittedly, I get sometimes bored reading threads. I will often read some and have stuff on in the background and get distracted by a Youtube video or my cat, my mind is a mess and it's always focused on several different things and if something isn't paced well off my mind goes on a tangent, much like my writing is right now.

    In saying that, I didn't do that with this thread. I read through it all once and really enjoyed it, then as I do, a second time to write notes as I read for the workshop.

    TLDR: I really liked your pacing with this thread. You got it downpat. There was just a little bit in each post that left the reader wanting to go to the next, and each post wasn't three or four pages long either. Much appreciated.

    Speech and the speech mannerisms characters had was consistent throughout. However, I would have preferred in a few posts if I had more of an idea of how someone spoke, for instance Antiope, we know she is a giant woman but does she have a gruff voice? An accent?

    What about the door? I wanted to know what his voice was like, small things like that would really add to the flair of the story.

    Same in part goes to our dashing protagonist, Artemis. We get a lot of inner emotion, but it isn't always relayed through his voice. I'd like to hear the inner reflection on his words, maybe a haunting tone as he relives bloody memories.

    In saying that, you did really hit the mark with some of those emotive responses later on in the thread, with Bazzak and Dalbur. I just would have liked to see it throughout.

    Actions in your story were described well, the story had a slow buildup, without rushing the reader or pushing too much onto the reader at once. I don't like reading an entire battle in a single post, or successions of fighting, I usually breeze over it. I enjoyed the more laid back approach you used. It suited the pacing of the story.

    First post Artemis seems pretty level headed, second he is angry, and I am not entirely sure why. I would like to have known why he felt so angry then. We get a glimpse into it being in part due to him feeling like he has some sort of responsibility, but the why is not immediate.

    I'm not good with post mechanics so I apologise, I did note in one post, I think it was post 2; you used the word Fools twice, as thought. Which is something I tend to do too, but seeing it again at the end of the post was a tad off after reading the thread for like the third time.

    Your use of grammar and punctuation and all the little semi colons and apostrophes and commas and whathaveyou all seemed to be in the right place to me. (is that where this goes? I'm putting it in mechanics.) Reading your work, the way you punctuated things didn't jarr me from the story. You did good job. Gold star.

    Most things were clear, and concise. I had a pretty solid painting of his surroundings and feelings and actions at allt times, there are a few nitty picky things though.

    There were some things I'd like more descriptions on or things that confused me a bit, things like

    The magic in my boots helped me effectively scale the many uneven surfaces
    I'd have liked to know exactly what kind of magic was in his boots, and how it helped him. I don't want to have to flick to a profile to double check a skill or magic. It's bothersome to constantly reiterate things, but especially with solos being submitted for workshops I feel it important to give information to the reader as though thy have never seen your character before, I want to know what he's wearing, what he's feeling and thinking, and if he has magic boots what kind of magic is in those boots.

    Also when they were taken to the spirit world, it was made note by Judicis that 'your mind is here but your body is not' does that mean that Artemis and the dwarf are slumped down on the ground somewhere? I guess this is hard to do with first person, but some indication of what their bodies were doing would have been a rad extra. Maybe as they came back to the workshop have had them pushing themselves up off the ground, or steadying themselves as though they'd lost balance. It'd be a jarring experience I imagine.

    (Which you did eloquently describe in scents ala switching from tea to decay. Nice work!)

    íThis looks like a door, or a gate maybe. An underwater gate?í
    You mentioned gate twice, I'd have probably changed it to 'This looks like a door, or an underwater gate maybe.' to avoid using it so quick in succession.


    Ffff. I unno what to put in here. It was clear you put so much work and effort into this thread. I loved seeing you get feedback from so many people when writing it, myself included (made me feel the warm fuzzies) The effort and dedication you put into this thread really shows and I do hope you score high! It was a wonderful and exciting read, and had tidbits of emotive responses throughout, which I am a die hard fan of.

    (I wrote this all out on my phone from scratch, be proud of me <3
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