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  1. #21
    Legend

    EXP: 127,650, Level: 15
    Level completed: 55%, EXP required for next Level: 7,350
    Level completed: 55%,
    EXP required for next Level: 7,350


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    14,025

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

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    In that moment she decided she liked the captain. Despite what he was - a hunter of pirates - she had come to feel appreciation for him. That way that he made his gun hum and forced the whole line of beasts to fall like sheaves of wheat before him.

    That, the Matriarch of the Gilded Lily could respect and like the man before her. Eagerly she ran with him, thoughts of keeping an eye on him for signs of betrayal gone for the interim. She heard the growls and roars of Delath begin to ascend as he fought back the waves of creatures on him, and she felt the pad of Veridian's footsteps behind her. The reminder that Delath had spoken came back to her - but she quickly dismissed it, remembering the battle at hand.

    Gripping her sword Nameless tighter she ran at the bars herself and began hacking through the rusted metal with her superior mythology blade. No one seemed to notice, the guards were either dead already or being distracted by Delath. For now they had cleared themselves a path and Philomel was sure that ascent to the treasure room was close at hand for them as she assisted to smash into the building.

    It came to a solid, wooden door and she just grinned. Twisting around the faun gave a single, almighty kick with her leg, sending more chaotic earthquake energy through it. At the apex of the hit a small dent appeared. This soon began to splinter, forming hairline cracks that soon began to crunch and growl. Like a spider's web the lines began to stagger out, first slow and then faster. Soon they became a mosaic pattern that jaggedly ate up the door and held it, still, before the entire thing went crashing in, revealing a dark, ugly corridor.

    "Lovely," Philomel said, and she gestured. "Would you like to go first captain?"

    Me first, came a voice. And pounding feet.

    Veridian darted forwards, his coat rippling with flames. They struck up, dancing and bright, bringing illumination suddenly to the interior of the castle. He nickered, proud as he began to stride in, tail of fire swishing to and fro.

    And then he was suddenly hit in the side by an unseen force.

  2. #22
    Senior Member

    EXP: 31,310, Level: 7
    Level completed: 54%, EXP required for next Level: 3,690
    Level completed: 54%,
    EXP required for next Level: 3,690


    jdd2035's Avatar

    GP
    659

    Name
    Captain Cain Jodin
    Location
    Corone

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    Cain's eyes went wide, as the fiery fox got swept to the side, there was a kind of mist that was creeping through the keep, it seemed as if both shadow and mist was being drawn to the central chamber. Cain shouted energetically, "Let's hubble!"and fired both of his pistols. He should have known better, its mist and shadow, nothing solid for a ball to find purchase in. The mist began backing off deeper into the keep as the fire fox undaunted by the surprise attack charged into the entity.

    Parts of the shadow dissipated and the mist spread back out. Cain grinned, and fished in his pocket for another round for his caster gun, loaded it, and fired! The cylinders, spun, and the beam erupted from the barrel. The beam struck the entity pressing it against the wall, at the same time verdian the fiery kitsune darted out of the way, his flames erupting like lamp oil being touched off by a torch. The entity rumbled as it coalesced back into a more condensed form. As soon as Cain's shot had fizzled out, the fox leaped back into the fray. The canines bit flamed through what ever shadow and mist the creature really was.

    Every attack seemed to dissipate the mist, and shadow. Until finally a humanoid abomination sat there panting, bent over. It was a pale creature with sharp nearly handsome features which hid a malevolence about it. There was a blood lust to its eyes but, even a casual eye could tell that it was tired, and unused to being fought so heavily. Not for quite some time at any rate, it spotted the faun, and sensing that she was the biggest threat, charged.
    Last edited by Philomel; 11-11-2017 at 01:54 PM.

  3. #23
    Legend

    EXP: 127,650, Level: 15
    Level completed: 55%, EXP required for next Level: 7,350
    Level completed: 55%,
    EXP required for next Level: 7,350


    Philomel's Avatar

    GP
    14,025

    Name
    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
    Age
    30 (+10)
    Race
    Faun (+ Fox/Earth Spirit)
    Gender
    Female (+ Male)
    Location
    Corone

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    Charging at the faun of fauns was a mighty mistake.

    With speed that would rival a flying dragon Philomel let out the mightiest curse and shrieked an angered bleat. Throwing her sword to the side she began to immediately run, screaming her challenge to him. In that moment she responded to her deeper, more instinctive nature and began to lower her head, where her massive curled horns were.

    Never, repeat never, charge a faun.

    Speed, determination. She charged at the same velocity as the enemy did - then more. Halfway through her run her body began to morph as it responded to her wild beastial nature. Thick hair began to grow from the neck down, blossoming like a mane and squeezing out from under her chestguard. The horns began to curl larger, longer, the face began to lengthen and by the time she got to the enemy there was no Philomel.

    There was an enraging, ferocious true two-legged goat. Muscles were mightier, the whole body had expanded. And - SLAM - she pounded into the beast.

    She was faster. And stronger. The beast that had been smoke and was now some form of gnarled, disgusting hybrid of dead and alive. It snapped at her face with jaws of dirty teeth and stinking breath as she pushed it back, back, back ...

    Through a door. That crashed inwards with a mighty crunch. Falling back under the pressure and unexpected movement of it the beast fell right back on his rump, with the goat-headed faun flying to land on top.

    Something of logic within her still lived. Grabbing the bright green dagger on her waist Philomel kept the beast down before plunging with the blade. A single second it was, a single second and she could move. Slash, down, hard ...
    Right into the beast's heart.

    There was a moment of stillness. Then the beast suddenly vanished underneath her and all there was was a thin, weak mist. With a soft, terrified wail, it whisked from underneath Philomel, causing her to drop down, flat to the broken door. Then, washed on a non existent wind the stream of smoke that had been the beast whipped away, weak and severely injured, fleeing back down the corridor and out of sight.

    Out of mind.

    Leaving Philomel and Captain Cain triumphant.

    It was only then that Philomel realised they were in a room full of golden, glittering coins.
    *admin at your service*

    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.
    The Primordials: Professor Charles and Moros.

  4. #24
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

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    Judgment: Basic

    Strengths


    Storytelling


    The story wasn’t without its faults, but I liked the idea. Sometimes, simple is best and this was a straightforward, fun piece that piqued my interest from the start. It explored a number of elements (pirate vs pirate hunter and treasure hunting, culminating in some traditional monster fighting) which made for a fun read.

    Philomel, your strength here was how you played Philomel’s part in the story, ensuring that she stuck to her guns and tried a little subterfuge to win around Cain Jodin and his men. It offered something different, without being spectacular.

    JDD, what I like about you is that you stick to what you know and try to get the best out of Cain. Maritime lore is your strength; you know the industry and apply it well to your writing, giving the reader a good insight into life on the ocean.

    Technique

    Philomel, the one thing I liked about your writing was your technique and how you introduced an entire spectrum of literary devices to give the reader a picture of your story. You marry vivid description with easy to understand terminology that brought scenes to life and made your posts very easy on the eye. Even describing a simple action (“Clomping over the wooden planks on two fine hooves came a tall and graceful faun”) gave character and colour to Philomel.

    JDD, I have seen a lot of improvement from you. Not only this, but you have managed this consistently over not just this thread but many others, showing your adaptability to various plots and themes. I’ve always found a nautical theme difficult to adapt to, due to its sometimes limited scope for setting, but you take to it very well and use the terminology at your disposal to paint a good picture of what is going on. You are also starting to bring some lovely visualisation into your writing and this is absolutely the thing to do to enhance your reader's experience of the thread, so well done.

    Clarity


    One of both of your strong areas is your ability to make things clear. Rarely do I read your work and wonder what is going on and why, and this strength is another ever present in this thread. Philomel, again, this stems mostly from your excellent command of prose and your specific technique, so where one is strong it is typically because the other is too. JDD, your clarity is down to more of a matter of fact approach with your technique, which can be a double edged sword (as we’ll cover shortly)


    Weaknesses


    Pacing

    I almost labelled this “commitment” because one accusation I am going to level at you both on this is the lack of commitment towards the end of the thread. I felt as if you were rushing through the story from posts sixteen onwards, and I felt that the fight with the monster was a bit of an anticlimax because of this. I am not sure whether the thread was planned or written on the hoof, but it felt like there was a lack of consistency that made everything feel a little rushed. This detracted from the enjoyment a little.

    Mechanics

    JDD, though I have seen a lot of improvement with you, there are some problems I feel you have perhaps not shaken off. Punctuation and grammar, though vastly improved upon earlier efforts here and on Althanas 3.1, are still sometimes lacking fundamentals. A quick spell check can eliminate most of these problems, though, so I would advise running your posts through a spellchecker before nailing them down on a thread.

    Philomel, your biggest flaw in this category was perhaps repetition. It sounds very nitpicky, and it probably is due to the quality of your writing, but seeing "mighty" and "mightiest" along with "beast" repeated within a couple of words looked odd and disjointed. There were one or two other examples of this throughout the thread. I realise this is a minor issue but, like I said, I am nitpicking a bit.

    Conclusion

    As with the pacing, I felt a bit let down by the conclusion. I always want the final posts to be something you can leave me with to make me want to read more, and on this occasion the final posts from both of you seemed abrupt, serving to highlight the issues I underlined in pacing above. JDD, you finished without really giving me anything to cling onto, instead choosing to narrate the beast's actions rather than give me either a definitive conclusion or a cliffhanger for Cain. I really wanted to know how Cain felt, what he could see and what he could feel in his last post.

    Philomel, you gave me a cliffhanger but I felt the battle with the beast was too short and I was hoping to see something more of the treasure room you had both found; perhaps how Philomel felt when she happened upon all that gold. Wonderment? Excitement? Fear? I really wanted to know what the faun was feeling right at the end.


    Judge's remarks

    The weaknesses may seem a little scathing upon first read, but it is important for you both to know that I know how good you guys can be. Philomel, your writing speaks for itself so I know that many of the criticisms in here will be null and void come your next thread. JDD, your improvement is something to be proud of and I respect how you hunger for meaningful feedback, so I hope I have helped you here. Now you perhaps just need to kick it up a gear. If you take on board the strengths and weaknesses here, you'll go far. Thank you both for letting me judge this thread!

    Rewards

    All rewards are inclusive of the October festival 1.5x bonus, and JDD earns an extra 10% for improvement on previous judgments!

    Philomel receives 2520 EXP and 180 GP!

    JDD receives 1935 EXP and 165 GP!
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-20-2017 at 04:31 PM.

  5. #25
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

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    All rewards added!

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