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  1. #21
    Adventurer

    EXP: 32,526, Level: 7
    Level completed: 70%, EXP required for next Level: 2,474
    Level completed: 70%,
    EXP required for next Level: 2,474


    Jake Narmolanya's Avatar

    GP
    8,948

    Name
    Jacob (Jake) Narmolanya
    Age
    25
    Race
    Elf / Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    I waited until I felt certain the store was empty before entering and approaching the red haired man. Before I could open my mouth he answered my first question, which would have been are you Nevin, the proprietor of this shop? The nifty trick he used to clean my jacket seemed to prove that.

    “Sorry about the mess,” I said in case he was a stickler for manners. “I’m Jake Narmolanya.” I straightened my eyepatch and flicked blond locks away from my good eye. “The blood came from a powerful Haidian I’m hunting. I need you to turn it into a potion that will help me defend myself against his powers. Specifically, his telepathic powers. You can keep any leftover blood, and of course,” I pulled a small but weighty sack from my pocket and tossed it on the counter with an audible thud. “As much gold as it takes.”

    The alchemist raised an eyebrow at the bag of gold, but he seemed much more interested in the brick of ichor. He levitated it up to eye level and examined it carefully.

    “Blood from a Haidian? It’s been some time since I worked with that. And never with such a… powerful sample. This may be beyond my means… besides, there are those who frown on the hunting of Haidians. Other Haidians chief among them…”

    “This one is a wanted criminal across Althanas,” I interjected, “there’s a ten thousand gold piece bounty on his head. But I’m not looking to collect it. This green-blooded bastard killed my friends.”

    Nevin seemed to consider me for a long while, and then he simply nodded.

    “This may take some time,” he said, “feel free to browse the shop while I work.” With that he walked to the back room, lump of green blood floating at his side.

    I moved through the aisles and looked at the wares but I didn’t really see anything. In my mind the memory of Selima’s face just before she died played over and over. Her last words haunted me - with her dying breath she had asked me to seek vengeance. The desire to carry out her request burned like a sword pulled fresh from the forge.

    “Here you are,” Nevin said, coming out of the back room. How long had it been? An hour? Longer? He carried a small vial containing a dark green substance. My blood potion. I accepted the glass vessel, my emerald eye gazing deep into its contents.

    “Will this make me immune to the demon’s telepathy?” I asked.

    “The exact effects are uncertain, with ichor of this potential.” Nevin replied. “But, it should at the very least increase your ability to resist this particular Haidian’s powers.” I quirked an eyebrow in surprise when the alchemist took only a few coins from the bag I’d dropped on the counter, and returned the rest to me. “Just a little something for my time,” he added, “the leftover blood seems a fair payment.”

    I thanked the crimson-haired man and exited the shop to the sound of chimes, an image of the Haidian mountaintop where Selima’s body still lay forming sharply in my mind.
    Last edited by Breaker; 12-10-2017 at 06:26 PM.

  2. #22
    Adventurer

    EXP: 32,526, Level: 7
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    Level completed: 70%,
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    Jake Narmolanya's Avatar

    GP
    8,948

    Name
    Jacob (Jake) Narmolanya
    Age
    25
    Race
    Elf / Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Darkness swallowed me as I stepped through the portal, landing beside Selima’s body on the cold mountain plateau. The wreckage left by the green fireballs cast silvered shadows beneath the stars, and the hilt of Marvin’s embedded skinning knife glinted in the moonlight. I knew that mountaintop well… and feared I’d never forget it.

    “To a joyous afterlife for you,” I whispered to Selima. I didn’t know if the Fallieni believed in an afterlife, but it seemed appropriate. I lifted the glass vial to my lips and drank the dark green concoction.

    I nearly retched at the acrid, venomous flavour. It burned my tongue and my throat and settled in my stomach like a live eel. I covered my mouth with one arm and unshouldered my crystal sword with the other. It whispered from its scabbard and I slipped into a moonshadow, opening another portal. This one was just a short hop. It carried me to the bottom of the passageway, near the trap I’d disarmed with a fireball. I still recalled the shape of the rune engraved on the floor.

    Firelight flickered ahead. My hope had been validated. Arkboss had returned to his lair.

    I crept forwards and peered around the winding corridor’s last corner.

    Beyond the open stone door, a green fire crackled in a large vat, its plume of heady smoke magically vented from the enclosed space. Past the flickering flames I saw a long shelf covered in shrunken heads, hands suspended in jars, and a number of other grisly trophies. A table and chair stood on one side of the shelf, while a thick cloth pallet lay on the other. Sleeping atop the pallet was Arkboss the Hunted.

    “Get up, scum.” I hissed, straightening my eyepatch and then taking up a two-handed grip on my sword.

    Arkboss sat up like I’d put a bolt of lightning through his body. His wild red eyes looked at me from within a twisted, sneering visage.

    “I did not expect to see you again so soon,” he said in that unsettlingly smooth voice, “especially not alone. Only a coward runs away.”

    “A coward would have killed you where you slept.” I pointed out, tipping the point of my blade at him. “But that would be far too easy an end for you. I’m going to make you suffer, demon. I’m going to watch you die slowly. Now summon your blade.”

    “Or you could give me yours.” He commanded, standing and outstretching a scaled hand.

    I felt the impetus to give him the weapon and fall under his power, but Nevin’s potion had bolstered my mental defenses. For a moment thoughts of obedience flooded my brain, but then they were gone, washed away like the receding tide. I smiled.

    “That won’t work this time,” I said, clicking my tongue. “You’ll have to rely on your mastery of the sword now. Only, you’re not quite a master, are you Arkboss?”

    He roared and drew both of the six shooters from his belt. The cavern rang with the concussion of twelve consecutive explosions. As the ringing in my ears faded I allowed the portal I’d summoned in front of myself to dissipate. The bullets had all winged through it, flying up and away into the Haidian night.

    “No master of the blade would answer a swordsman’s challenge with a gun,” I taunted. “How did you manage to gain such a false reputation, Arkboss?”

    “My reputation was earned on the battlefields of Hrenta Nodos,” he spat, his black flaming aura appearing around him. “I have wielded a blade since long before you were born. And I will wield it long after you are dead.” The fiery greatsword appeared in his hands, and he circled around the vat towards me.
    Last edited by Breaker; 12-10-2017 at 06:30 PM.

  3. #23
    Adventurer

    EXP: 32,526, Level: 7
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    Level completed: 70%,
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    Jake Narmolanya's Avatar

    GP
    8,948

    Name
    Jacob (Jake) Narmolanya
    Age
    25
    Race
    Elf / Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    I leaped over the vat of dancing green flame, letting out a primal cry and swinging my sword overhead. Arkboss brought his fiery blade up to defend. In the tight space my smaller frame and weapon gave me an advantage; I moved faster, and my lone eye shone with determination.

    With a flurry of strikes I battered him back against the shelf, and as his shoulders struck the sturdy wood I feinted high and struck low. My crystal sword, full of the arcane potential flooding my veins, cleaved through his left ankle. Green ichor spurted from the wound, which began to heal over almost immediately. He could not grow back the foot, however, and he staggered, his black aura flickering.

    “Sit down,” I said as he roared in pain, and smashed him in the jaw with my sword’s hilt. He staggered back into the shelf and then slumped to the floor. Shrunken heads rolled away and several jars fell from the disturbed shelf and shattered on the ground, but Arkboss remained still.

    I breathed until my lungs stopped feeling full of acid. I flicked my sword, spattering green ichor across the ground, and swung the weapon up into its sheathe. I sorted through the demon’s belongings until I found some tough cord that seemed fashioned from sinew, and used it to bind Arkboss’ wrists and knees. After securing him to the shelf, I turned and created a portal back up to the surface. I would have to move quickly; I doubted simple rope would be enough to keep the demon from teleporting away.

    Leaving the hole in reality pulsating, I paced to where Marvin’s heavy-bladed dagger still stood embedded in the mountaintop. I crouched and pulled it free, tucking it behind my belt. I moved to Selima’s body and scooped her cold, limp form up and carried her to the portal.

    Even in death, she could watch me finish what we’d started together. I allowed the portal to dissipate and set Selima down in a seated position against the far wall, facing Arkboss. Her head leaned back limply and her eyes gazed lifelessly, but her presence still felt encouraging. My hands shook as I drew Marvin’s skinning knife and reached out, running its razor edge down the demon’s forehead.

    He came awake with a bellow, snapping at my hand with dripping fangs. I held the knife firmly in place and it penetrated through the tough Haidian hide. Green blood oozed from the wound, staining the titanium blade.

    “You can’t teleport as long as I’m in contact, can you?” I asked as I ran the dagger down the side of his neck, eliciting a rewarding scream of anguish. “I’ve fought teleporters before. So long as I keep this blade on you,” I pushed harder, letting the knife delve beneath the surface of the demon’s skin, “you’re stuck here with me. And I don’t have any intention of removing the knife. Not until you’re dead.”

    “This hideout is one of many,” Arkboss said suddenly, his smooth voice full of pain and panic. “Release me, and I can give you anything you want. Gold, power-” his words cut off in an agonized scream as I turned the knife and pulled, tearing away a strip of scaly, leathery skin.

    “You killed my crew,” I reminded the blubbering demon as the knife did its wicked work. The volume of my voice dropped. I barely dared to speak the next words aloud, but Arkboss needed to hear them. I leaned close and whispered in his ear.

    “For that, I’m going to flay you alive.”
    Last edited by Breaker; 12-10-2017 at 06:33 PM.

  4. #24
    Adventurer

    EXP: 32,526, Level: 7
    Level completed: 70%, EXP required for next Level: 2,474
    Level completed: 70%,
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    Jake Narmolanya's Avatar

    GP
    8,948

    Name
    Jacob (Jake) Narmolanya
    Age
    25
    Race
    Elf / Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    I wiped the sweat from my brow with a blood-stained sleeve, trying to ignore the ache in my back and neck. Skinning a demon alive was more work than skinning a dead deer, but over the past hour I’d put in the labor. A pile of limp, green-brown flesh lay at my feet, dripping ichor. Arkboss looked an absolute mess. His skin had regenerated in some places, but unevenly, leaving muscle and sinew exposed as well as more of his foul-smelling blood.

    Pressing the blade of Marvin’s knife into the demon’s neck until he yowled, I crouched down so that my lone emerald eye blazed at his red ones. The arcane green fire still crackled in the vat beside us, throwing shifting shadows across the mess that remained of Arkboss the Hunted.

    “There’s a ten thousand gold piece reward on your head,” I told him, chuckling in a way that made me feel sick to my stomach. “No one will ever collect it. Because I’m going to kill you now. Your reputation will fade as people forget your name. Eventually, all your misdeeds will be meaningless. You will be meaningless, and that sounds better to me than a fortune in gold.”

    “Finish what you started then, half-breed.” Arkboss snarled breathlessly, his voice thick with pain. He strained against the sinew cords binding him to the shelf, trying to slit his own throat. I instinctively pulled the knife away, and the demon’s words became a triumphant howl. “Fool,” he uttered, and then teleported away with a pop.

    “No!” I screamed, stabbing the shelf where the demon’s skull had been. Hot tears of frustration brimmed in the corners of my eyes. I looked back to where Selima still gazed at me, still sightless. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, leaving the knife embedded in the shelf and crawling to her side. “I screwed it all up. I let him get away… but at least you can still be with your friends. I can do that much for you.” I lifted Selima’s body again and carried her to the crackling vat of green flame. “It was nice to know you, Selima,” I said, “even if only for awhile.”

    I dropped her body into the vat. The green fire consumed her almost immediately, lapping up her clothing before incinerating her flesh and bone. I smiled weakly, feeling I had done at least one thing right. The smell of the burning body was carried away by whatever magic vented the smoke, and I was left alone with the putrid stench of Arkboss’ skin and blood. I heaved a sigh and then squared my shoulders and reached up to touch the hilt of the dragon sword for strength. I paced to the shelf and pulled Marvin’s skinning knife free, and then set about searching the demon’s hideout.
    Last edited by Breaker; 12-10-2017 at 06:36 PM.

  5. #25
    Adventurer

    EXP: 32,526, Level: 7
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    Jake Narmolanya's Avatar

    GP
    8,948

    Name
    Jacob (Jake) Narmolanya
    Age
    25
    Race
    Elf / Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    The portal opened into a back alley in Radasanth’s bazaar district. My leather boots landed on the dirty cobblestone and I allowed the hole in the air to close behind me. On my back I carried a heavy haversack purloined from Arkboss’ possessions. I had just come from visiting the Hunter’s Retreat in Serenti. I’d spread the word of Marv’s group passing, so that eventually it would reach the ears of their loved ones. I also learned the location of a particular shop in Radasanth, which I had heard tell of in the past but never visited. I’d never had a reason.

    I trudged past hawkers and storefronts, sidled between shoppers and prostitutes, and circled past carts and wagons. The bustle of the marketplace was a mere ringing in my ears, for the roar of the fire inside me all but drowned out other sounds. It drove me forward despite the fatigue in my limbs, despite the anguish that wrenched at my soul. I had felt that fire before, and knew that it would burn until I hunted Arkboss down and finished the job.

    The damned demon needed to die.

    But I could be patient - I’d learned my lesson about running after him half cocked. Marvin, Selima and the crew would not have died for nothing. Their loss would be my wisdom, their suffering my fuel.

    Rusted bells jangled above the door as I pushed into the nameless little shop. It was set in a side street between a cheap tavern and a questionable fishmonger. I guessed that the foul odors wafting from the neighboring buildings were welcome, as a means of covering any smells that came from the shop. The services provided there were not exactly legal, and heavily frowned upon by most people outside the hunters’ community.

    The shelves were full of clothing and other objects made from all manner of leather, the walls adorned by many glassy-eyed taxidermied heads. An aging man with only a few granules of pepper in his salty hair came out of the back room and leaned on the counter, examining me through thick spectacles. I saw him take in my eyepatch, the sword on my back, and the flecks of green ichor still decorating my jacket sleeves. He smiled, thin lips cracking.

    “A demon hunter, aren’t yeh? ‘Aint seen yew before. How’d yeh find me?”

    “A bartender at the Hunter’s Retreat in Serenti gave me the address. I hope it’s alright, arriving without an appointment.” I needed this man’s skills and expertise as much as I’d needed the blood alchemist. My ordinary sifan and leather clothing offered little protection against the dangers I faced on a daily basis.

    “No matter. I’m not busy.” The aging man gestured around at the empty shop. “What’ve yeh got for me then?”

    I unshouldered the haversack and plopped it in the center of the counter. The tanner’s knobbly hands moved with steady assurance as he undid the drawstrings and peered inside. His smile grew until it filled his face, displaying several gaps in his teeth.

    “Haidian hide,” he said, reaching into the bag with one hand to feel the mixture of scale and flesh. “Been awhile since anyone brought me this. What’s it for?”

    “I’d like a full tailored outfit made from it. Jacket, pants, boots, and gloves. Can you do that?”

    “Aye, I’m a fine tailor.” He said with a bob of his head. He hefted the weighty sack. “Musta’ been a big bastard yew killed. Still not quite enough hide here for all that, though. Would just the jacket and boots suit yeh?”

    I sighed and nodded.

    “That’s fine,” I said, “unfortunately, the demon got away.”

    “That’s good. Plenty here for a… what did yeh say?”

    “The demon got away before I could kill him.”

    A menacing glint appeared in the tailor’s eyes.

    “We’d best get yew measured and suited up then,” he said, taking a tape measure from his pocket and moving around the counter. “Can’t have enraged Haidians racing about the world. Yeh do intend to hunt him down and finish him, I expect?”

    I narrowed my lone eye as he set about measuring my slender shoulders.

    “Yes,” I said with absolute certainty, “he suffered enough in losing his skin. The next time we meet, I know that I’ll kill him. There’s just something I need to do first.”
    Last edited by Breaker; 12-10-2017 at 06:40 PM.

  6. #26
    upon the cheek of night

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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
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    Male
    Location
    Corone
    “Good work, everyone,” I called to my assembled students. They stood in a neat row with their fists held forward in a show of attention and respect. Sweat soaked their kimonos and dripped from their hair. “That’s all for today. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” They filed neatly out of the dojo, leaving me alone with the familiar figure who had entered during the lesson. He leaned casually against the thin wall next to the door, regarding me with his lone emerald eye. “Jake,” I smiled, “is that a new look?”

    The half elf strode forward with a touch of swagger. He straightened the collar of his green-brown leather jacket and scuffed a matching boot across the black burn mark on the floor.

    “What, these?” He said. “Just some new garments I had fashioned at the bazaar. They cost most of what I had saved, but were worth every copper.” He gave a leery grin. “Nothing beats demonhide.” He glanced at my enchanted metal boots. “Well, almost nothing.”

    “To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” I asked. “There isn’t a dragon on your heels, I hope.”

    “No,” Jake said, his grin vanishing behind a serious mask. “But there is a Haidian out there that still needs killing. I’m not asking for your help in hunting him. Just… let me learn from you again. I’ll join your regular classes if need be. I’ll even wear those funny pajamas.” He gestured at my white martial arts kimono.

    “Jake it’s called a… nevermind.” I shook my head, smiling. “I’m afraid you’d find my regular classes fairly rudimentary. You’re far more advanced than my current students.” I paused and stroked the stubble on my chin. “I suppose I could make the time for a couple private lessons. What are you hoping to learn?”

    “I need to defend my mind better. That blood alchemist you sent me to was able to provide a temporary solution, but I need to be able to shrug off the demon’s telepathy any time I run into him. I need to learn to control my thoughts like you do.”

    “Good,” I said. “That’s something you should be able to learn in a few days of training. But first… I’d like to hear the story of how you happened to skin such a powerful demon alive.”

    “Oh that?” Jake shrugged. “That was nothing. Fighting him was the hard part… when I tell you about it, you’ll be proud of me.”

    “I will?” I grinned until the Y-shaped scars on my cheeks dimpled. “Why is that?”

    The half elf returned my smile with the same cheekiness I’d always known him for.

    “I didn’t depend on my portals to beat him.”
    Last edited by Breaker; 12-10-2017 at 06:42 PM.

  7. #27
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

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    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
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    34
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    Telgradian
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    Judgment


    Story

    Plot: 6/10

    The thread opens with a nice scene that gives a little introduction to Jake and his relationship with the Haidans that he hunts, immediately giving some useful insight for both story and characterisation purposes. After this, the plot focuses mostly on Jake’s recruitment by Marvin’s crew at the tavern in their quest to hunt Arkboss; the most dangerous demon Jake has hunted to date.

    The early posts in the thread carefully take Jake through the process of being introduced to the group, testing them thereafter. It is to your credit that you are always careful to eventually explain what I would consider to be “question mark” moments well and not to leave many loose ends untied, and it is this attention to detail that keeps the story fresh. Even if they are only small things, having the bartender explain why one moment he couldn’t remember Jake’s name and then the next day the group knows a lot about him are those type of moments the reader questions and you make sure, where possible, to tie these bits up. Little nuances you introduced, like explaining out details of the Haidan’s own micro-culture and their rituals, served to enhance the experience further and was actually rather educational.

    One of the main worries I had for this thread was that whilst Arkboss was obviously going to be the main challenge, there have been times in the past where I felt you didn’t present your characters with an obstacle that really pushed them to their capabilities. For the most part, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the demon was far more of a problem for Jake and his party than anticipated, and in particular I enjoyed the ease in which he dispatched Dirk and caused grievous damage to the others (although I did find Selina’s death a little cliché). What followed, though, felt like a bit of an asspull. It wasn’t so much that Jake called upon Breaker for help; the admission that he was too weak to defeat Arkboss on his own showed some diversity and adherence to his character, at least, but the fact that Breaker somehow knew that making a potion out of demon blood would halt the effects of his abilities was a little too convenient.

    That said, Arkboss is still alive, minus his skin of course, so there is potential for a good follow up. I hope to see the conclusion of the conflict soon because, small criticisms aside, this was a good thread with lots of potential for future expansion.


    Setting: 6/10

    The early setting was as typical as you can get for a hunting story, but typical does not mean poor by any stretch. Whilst larger aspects of the respective areas were mostly left to the imagination, save for the opening posts in the tavern and a rather gorgeous opener describing Serenti, you excelled at utilising the smaller details within the settings. Simple, particular descriptions such as the state of Jake’s “room” in post three not only add to your setting, but make it come alive.
    The wider setting in the journey to Arkboss himself, though, seemed a little lacking without being terrible. I found myself reading mid thread posts where Jake would arrive “on a mountaintop plateaux” but without any real expansion into the medium level details, such as the immediate surrounding area or features. It seemed as if you either concentrated on the very fine details, which were done superbly, and the very large details without much mind paid to the bit inbetween. With consideration given to that across the breadth of your thread, your score here would have been a lot higher. That said, what you did do was done very well.


    Pacing: 8/10

    One of the better areas of your thread was the way you ensured the spread of the writing never became bogged down or dull. From your excellent opening with Jake chasing the demon, to the scenes in the tavern where Jake is first recruited and right the way through to Jake’s interaction with Breaker, the posts flowed with an easy-on-the-eye level of continuity. There was one moment where pace was slightly interrupted late on in the thread (when Jake first “summons” a portal to Breaker upon encountering Arkboss) but I’m putting that down to personal preference and I think I’m probably nitpicking anyway. Not much more to say here other than well done!


    Character

    Communication: 7/10


    Communication is one of the areas I believe you excelled in. You have a knack for writing both Jake and your NPC’s well, which is more difficult than it looks in a thread like this where you are introducing and utilising so many different people, and the way that they all communicated made sense. There was one moment a little earlier in the thread, though, which appeared slightly contradictory:

    Quote Originally Posted by Jake
    “You’d best hope that this Arkboss isn’t as good a fighter as me,” I said critically. “Otherwise, most of you will probably die.”

    That ended Marvin’s mirth quickly. He slipped his mace back through its belt loop and nodded at his compatriots in turn.

    “That’s why we have inside information, and a plan. It all hinges on your portalling ability, so I hope you’re well rested. And don’t think so little of us. You may have surprised us with your nifty Breaker-tricks, but we’re a fighting unit unlike any you’ve ever seen. Just last week, we took out a whole hive of vamps. Must have slain at least two score of them between us.”

    “Alright, you’ve convinced me,” I said, sheathing my sword fluidly and holding up both palms. “You all seem very well trained. I just hope this demon we’re after is equally impressed.”
    It seemed to me that in a very short time, Jake had gone from doubting their survival chances to then saying they were all up to scratch, and even though you could argue that the context I highlighted doesn’t take into account Marvin’s response, it still didn’t make a lot of sense. In any case, that was more or less my only issue and otherwise felt that Jake’s personality shone through his dialogue, and your supporting cast held their own rather than feeling too generic.


    Action: 8/10

    For the most part, your action was really good. For me, the thread was split into two parts – pre-Arkboss and post-Arkboss.

    I’ve already touched upon this in previous commentary above but the negatives I seem to address the most with your threads revolve mostly around your characters' lack of development due always succeeding in their tasks. I was so pleasantly surprised here – although pre-Arkboss Jake predictably bested his entourage in sparring with little difficulty, the appearance of the demon really did throw me for a loop. Arkboss himself was a bastion of unpredictability and excitement, making short, excruciating work of Dirk and Selina and really pushing Jake to the wire (to the point that he felt he even had to summon Josh to help out, which was not well received by Breaker). Skinning Arkboss alive made a good action score into a great one (along with an honourable mention to the stone door in the face in your opening post).
    I mentioned this before, but the only real detraction was the Arkboss blood potion plot point. I think that really impacted plot more than action, but it was worth noting that in a thread with action of this quality it still felt a bit out of place.


    Persona: 6/10

    Persona was certainly a strength for Jake, and while still very good I felt perhaps a little more thinly spread for your other characters. You actually write multiple people very well indeed, ensuring their words and actions are in keeping with the personalities the writing weaves for us, and I was still able to get a good feel for who your NPC’s were, especially with the introduction of Marvin and the gang in the tavern. Perhaps one thing that felt missing in this thread was more of what you did in Need for Steed, with a little less attention paid to the diversity of the characters here than there. Other than Jake, there wasn’t a standout; it felt very much like a main character plus supporting cast divide was in effect. As badass as Arkboss was, he too felt a tiny bit generic. That said, consistency is equally as important and throughout the thread I would say you did a great job on this front, ensuring that their tones and characters remained in keeping that way for the duration of the thread.

    On a final note on this point, I think the nicest bit was the conclusion, where Jake was quite clearly proud of the fact that he hadn’t used portals to defeat Arkboss at all – something which his mentor, Breaker, had lectured him about before. It showed that Jake looked up to Josh and that his mentor’s opinion mattered, which is testament to his character. Nice work!


    Prose

    Mechanics: 8/10

    Once again, this was perhaps the easiest part of the commentary to address thanks to the near faultlessness in your mechanics. I found precisely one spelling error ("woolen"instead of "woollen" in post three) and an odd sentence in post seven "They squirmed and fought like caged squirrels, but the could not shake me loose." I've said this before, but one of your greatest strengths is your command and usage of the English language, so as is usually the case when I tackle such high-quality threads I am going to find it hard to give you any meaningful advice to improve this area. I will, of course, try. Firstly, when you are writing and posting at speed, I find a quick spell check of each post before posting very useful, followed by a second cursory glance. In all honesty though it just feels as if I'm teaching you to suck eggs!


    Technique: 8/10

    There are far more positives than negatives. The way you describe your actions within your surroundings and visualize the consequences of your actions in an unfamiliar (to me) first person perspective impress me greatly; which is probably why I was as disappointed as I was with your "middle ground" setting, given your obvious strength here. When reading, I like to be pulled into the story and made to feel as if I were Jake, Marvin, Selina, Dirk or Joshua himself, feeling the very same sensations the character is at that moment in time.

    I thought it was an odd technique to also bring Joshua into the first person, given that the majority of his writing is usually done in third person, but I can understand the need for consistancy here and it didn't affect the score anyway. I also enjoyed the structure of your writing, with clever uses of pregnant pauses and paragraphing to break up the meatier action from the important dialogue. You wove posts together and they appeared seamless through the thread, which in itself is an achievement given the length. Put simply, you did not disappoint.


    Clarity: 9/10


    With regards to clarity, I can't really remember a point where I didn't know what was going on other than with regards to a lack of that dreaded "middle section" setting I have been waffling on about. However, this small issue aside, you have a gift for keeping the reader’s mind clear and focused on the events of the thread. Well done!


    Wildcard: 8/10

    Although the thread had flaws, none of them were big enough to put me off enjoying this one and giving me a much better insight into Jake. You also did a fantasic job of setting up for a potential sequel, if you wanted to. Thank you for allowing me to judge this and bearing with me whilst I had technical issues with my laptop!


    Total score: 74

    Congratulations!

    [Edit to follow with rewards]

  8. #28
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    Rewards as follows:

    Jake receives 5020 EXP, with the following spoils granted:

    (1) Haidian demonhide jacket
    (1) Haidian demonhide pair of boots
    (1) Titanium skinning knife

    Breaker receives 835 EXP and 40 GP!

    Nevin receives 270 EXP and 20 GP!

    All rewards are inclusive of the bonus EXP on offer for the hunting event!
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 01-01-2018 at 04:11 AM.

  9. #29
    Viator Mundi

    EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
    Level completed: 18%, EXP required for next Level: 14,892
    Level completed: 18%,
    EXP required for next Level: 14,892


    Shinsou Vaan Osiris's Avatar

    GP
    7,753

    Name
    Shinsou Vaan Osiris
    Age
    34
    Race
    Telgradian
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone

    View Profile
    All rewards added!

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