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  1. #11
    Junior Member



    GP
    0

    Name
    Ioder Bella Horvat
    Location
    Corone
    “You fought well.” Ioder said as his enemy dropped to the ground. “Next time you’ll do better.

    Their fight was over in an instant and the raging volcano around the two combatants faded into nothingness. Ioder had defeated Nosdym and as he was teleported back to the medical wing of the citadel he felt happy. It was an honor to fight such a monster of a fighter, an experience Ioder wouldn’t soon forget. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such a rush of excitment.

    The monks of the citadel worked their magic and mended all of the fade walker’s wounds. Their white magic complimented their line of work well and Ioder saw just how profitable this colosseum was. He wondered to himself if anyone had payed money to see these two fight it out in that infernal maw. If they did then it was money well spent.

    As the monks finished the healing process Ioder pulled one aside. He whispered in the monk’s ear before sending him off on his way. He asked to deliver a message to the demon of hadia. He asked that he send the monster off knowing that Ioder would accept a rematch anytime and he could be found at in the foyer of the arena the next time he wanted to taste blood. It was a snide remark but if Nosydm had felt the same rush of ecitment as the fade walker did then it wouldn’t be long before Ioder would see the man again. Ioder exited the citadel looking for the closest bar possible to wet his whistle.

    Radasanth was such a wonderful city for such things.

  2. #12
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Thread Title: In the Maw (Battle)
    Judgment Type: Condensed Rubric
    Participants: Myths and Legends vs. Nosdyn

    This was a short but high-octane duel, a literal barn-burner thanks to the chosen setting. You both came out swinging and represented your characters well in some good old-fashioned no-holds-barred Citadel action.

    Myths and Legends (referred to hereon as Myth) will be representing out of the red corner.

    Nosdyn will be fighting from the blue corner.

    You guys kept it short and sweet so I'll do the same and skip straight into the scores!

    Plot: 14/30 ~ 15/30

    Nosdyn gets a slight edge in this category for his expansion into his character's backstory. While both of you did a good job of getting straight into the meat of the battle, the pacing was still pretty rough in places, mostly because of improper bunnying and weird character choices. You both established the setting to a certain degree and kept it consistent, with Myth mentioning the heat on multiple occasions, but I didn't feel like the extreme conditions had any adverse effects on the characters. It might have been more interesting, for example, if Ioder had been limping the whole battle because of getting burned on his heel near the beginning. Both of you could have benefited from providing more backstory and finding ways to cement this battle in your storylines, but Nosdyn did do a little bit of this and so he gets a small advantage here.

    Character: 15/30 ~ 16/30

    This category was a little trickier to score. Neither of you did a whole lot of character exploration or development, and you also showed a similar level of consistency in describing your characters' actions. For the most part, I was aware what was going on and why. The big reason that Nosdyn came out on top here is that a lot of Ioder's actions just didn't seem realistic within the scenario. In post 5, After taking a significant wound he immediately regrouped and performed an elaborate leaping attack while shouting. This didn't ring true for someone who just took a "clean hit" and was dealing with "unreal" pain.

    Prose: 17/30 ~ 16/30

    Myth had the slightly stronger writing technique, using the occasional metaphor to spice things up. His posts were also a bit more clear overall and easy to understand, although on the other hand, Nosdyn seemed to have a few less typos. I would really encourage both of you to delve deeper into literary devices, plotting, and other writing techniques that may be used to enhance your stories. I would also strongly recommend that both of you put a bit more effort into re-reading and editing, as there were a number of mechanical errors in both of your posts. If you have any questions about the mechanical errors I'm talking about feel free to contact me, but I think you're both capable of finding and fixing them, it's just a matter of putting in the time.

    Wildcard: 4/10 ~ 4/10

    Both of you had instances of bunnying without permission; Myth in post 3 and Nosdyn in post 6. I didn't take an extra point for the bunnying in post 9, Myth, but I could have; you need to have permission and let the moderator know you have permission. If either of you have any questions about the bunnying in this battle, please contact me with them.

    Final Score: 50/100 ~ 51/100

    Nosdyn wins! That really was a back-and-forth battle. While reading it I actually thought the bunnying would be the deciding factor, but it evened out in the end. The thing that I think won it for Nosdyn was his introspective character work, which made me identify with him a little more as a reader.

    Myths and Legends receives: 450 EXP and 60 GP!
    Nosdyn receives: 1500 EXP and 52 GP!

    Congratulations!
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


  3. #13
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,725

    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Rewards added!

    Myths and Legends pays 4 AP for the judgment.
    "The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
    For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."


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