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Thread: Workshop: A Darker Shade of Red (Mature, non-smut)

  1. #1
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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    Workshop: A Darker Shade of Red (Mature, non-smut)

    Name of Completed Thread: A Darker shade of red (mature, non smut)
    Name of Author: Nevin and Eteri
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 12 Posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: January 6th 2018

    Critique Guidelines:

    1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

    2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

    3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

    4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

    5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

  2. #2
    Junior Member

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    The Preacher's Avatar

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    Name
    Valino Darashan III
    Age
    18
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    Human
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    Corone

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    Story
    Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

    I liked the story. It was simple and to the point in structure but had enough of it's own unique twists to keep it from being cliché. I like what you did with the whole “enslaved catgirl” thing. Not only did you avoid going the obvious lewd route like I expected but what you did was arguably more sick and twisted and would have made for a good horror movie. Great job there.

    The setting is one piece that could have used some serious work. While you interacted with it when it was necessary most of the time it almost felt like you were acting in a void.

    Pacing wasn't terrible. The action moved swiftly and smoothly from one set piece to the next with little hang ups and you have a very clear beginning, climax and end. However there were a couple of spots where things felt a bit rushed and I think the story would have befitted if you took the time to slow down and explain things a bit better.

    Character
    Communication, Action, and Persona

    The dialogue was good but nothing extraordinary. Most of the characters talked how you'd expect them talk. I did kind of like Eteri's troubles with common.

    The same thing I said about the dialogue applies to the action as well. Nothing spectacular but you described things well enough and I feel like everybody's actions made sense.

    The persona was probably the strongest part of the story. Every character felt like they had personality. The villain was excellent, I could feel the love between Nevin and Eteri and even the two meat heads who knocked you out had more personality than I would have expected. Great job.

    Prose
    Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

    I didn't have any trouble understanding what happened nor did I see any glaring typos or grammatical errors. However your style if somewhat dry and to the point. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it doesn't exactly stand out either.

    Wildcard

    Overall I liked it. A good damsel in distress story with some unique twists and excellent characters.

  3. #3
    Thayneslayer

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    Breaker's Avatar

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    This workshop is now closed. Thanks to The Preacher for his input! Rewards to follow shortly.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  4. #4
    Thayneslayer

    EXP: 197,544, Level: 19
    Level completed: 43%, EXP required for next Level: 11,456
    Level completed: 43%,
    EXP required for next Level: 11,456


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    12,455
    AP
    227
    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    29
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    The Preacher receives 120 EXP, 24 GP, and 3 AP!
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  5. #5
    Thayneslayer

    EXP: 197,544, Level: 19
    Level completed: 43%, EXP required for next Level: 11,456
    Level completed: 43%,
    EXP required for next Level: 11,456


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    12,455
    AP
    227
    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    29
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Rewards added and workshop archived.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

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