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Thread: [Solo]The Nature of Undeath...

  1. #11
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 209,214, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,525
    AP
    0
    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Thread Title: The Nature of Undeath
    Judgment Type: Full Rubric
    Participants: Paladin_Lorenor

    Let me start by thanking you for your patience and assistance; judgment of this thread was delayed while we used it for internal training, and I really appreciate you allowing us the time to do so. In order to show my appreciation I'll give you some bonus EXP. The Nature of Undeath delved quite appropriately into Lorenor's persona and past, while providing some interesting development of his current storyline. I really enjoyed this thread, both for the comedic and touching aspects, as well as the clear amount of effort you put into it.

    Plot: 17/30

    Story- 6/10
    Your main strength here was the simultaneous telling of Lorenor's backstory mingled with the continuation of his current Stonevale storyline. You really dug deep in order to bring your main character to life with elements of his past. The main thing that could have used some improvement was the introduction/beginning. You started off telling rather than showing, but didn't even really tell anything important. Lorenor was running (or crawling) through Brokenthorn Forest, having just lost a fight, but we never learn who he was fighting or why. That kind of information would have been really helpful in shaping the story from word one, but once you picked up steam deeper in the thread you really improved in this area.

    Setting- 5/10
    The setting was pretty consistently present and utilized on occasion, but for the most part it felt like a fairly flat backdrop. Two things I would suggest you do more of are providing thoughtful details and having your character interact with things. The thoughtful details are elements of the setting which your character specifically notices. I am not saying that you should write a huge paragraph of detail - quite the opposite, I'm saying you should have him notice one or two things about the places he goes specifically because of who he is. For example, what would he notice as a member of the undead, or as a paladin, that humans wouldn't notice? As for having your character interact with things, that is fairly self explanatory. It can be a great way to tell more about your character while bringing the setting to life. For example, when he was in the jail cell Lorenor pretty much just sat still. He could have grasped the bars, kicked the mattress, paced within the confined space, or a number of other things that would have fleshed out the scene a little more.


    Pacing - 6/10
    Solos are generally easier to pace than co-op threads or battles, and I felt like you did a solid job overall despite the fact that you were fairly ambitious with the pacing by jumping between the present and the past. One note that I have written down for you over and over is "show don't tell", and while I'll talk about this more in Technique, I wanted to bring it up here because it did affect the pacing. A great example of this is actually the very beginning:
    Lorenor found himself crawling through The Brokenthorn Forest, until he finally made his way to Stonevale.

    He was badly injured from that last encounter...
    You start the story off by telling the reader what's happening, and then you segued into some dialogue which actually kind of showed what was going on. All in all, I think the beginning would have been stronger if you'd just deleted what I quoted above and started with the internal dialogue. Overall though, good work on creating flow between posts and keeping things fairly smooth.

    Character: 18/30

    Communication - 7/10
    Communication I think was your strongest area in this thread, despite a certain nasty habit, which I am going to address very clearly right now.

    Please stop putting all of your dialogue in bold. It is an eyesore and makes it difficult to gauge the intended tone of the words.

    That said, your characters' dialogue was consistent and representative, for example when Lorenor and Will were speaking I could generally tell who was talking without having to look at the "said so-and-so" part. A lot of the dialogue between Lorenor and TBK helped to tell the story without being overly obvious, and that bolstered your score. You also employ internal dialogue well, using it to bring the scenes to life more. Keep up the good work, but honestly... stop with the bold already. It is painful.

    Action - 6/10
    Overall your action writing is good, but you need to do more of it, and again this brings us to showing not telling. I'm not saying you need to add more action scenes; I'm saying you need to describe what actually happens in the action scenes you do include, and preferably in every scene. A great example of this comes in post 3 where you have Lorenor set up a basic camp, without describing what that entails at all. What does a member of the undead even require in a camp? This could have been an opportunity to build character through aciton, and it kind of went to waste.

    Persona - 5/10
    Your portrayal of Lorenor and his son was solid, the main weakness here was the use of Will as a plot pusher and the way TBK started off as a faceless monster. I was really glad when you ended up developing him into a real character further on, but that could have started the first time Lorenor encountered him so there were some missed opportunities there. As I mentioned Will seemed like a pure plot pusher, just kind of there to make things happen. I would encourage you to apply more energy and creativity to the creation of unique NPCs rather than reusing the same old ideas, you are a great creator of characters and you should display that more.

    Prose: 16/30

    Mechanics - 6/10
    I still notice a lot of needless capitalization in your posts, and you had a decent number of miscellaneous errors that slipped by your proofreading, but you are really showing improvement in this area and I encourage you to keep working at your editing skills. Don't be a afraid to go over a post 3-4 times if necessary in order to spot those little errors, such as this:
    "My sword is not enchanted by I am powered by the light." Lorenor said. "I am a paladin."
    This is a tricky to notice typo but it is pretty glaringly obvious to someone reading it for the first time. I always recommend reading posts out loud when editing, as this will help you catch such errors, so give that a try and let me know how it goes.

    Clarity - 4/10
    There were a couple instances where I became quite confused with what was going on. The two worst offenders that I noted down occurred in post 2. In post 1, it seemed as though the biggest problem the locals had was a demon in the mountains, and then in post 2 you suddenly alluded to a war without really going into any detail about that. Needless to say, I was confused, as I wasn't aware of any war in Scara Brae. In that same post, you also had the insignia of the local military suddenly appear on Lorenor's armor, without any description of what it looked like or where it came from. These instances and others like them had me scrambling to re-read and figure out what was going on.

    Technique - 6/10
    You're starting to get a handle on use of metaphor and that is awesome, keep working at it and experimenting with different forms. One of my personal favorites is personification, and with your creativity I bet you could come up with some great examples. The main thing I'm going to focus on here though is showing and not telling. Here's another example I took note of:
    It was all very overwhelming, yet Lorenor handled it well.
    This line literally just tells us two things, without expressing (showing) either in any way. Think about these questions: how was it overwhelming? what physical or mental symptoms were there? How did he handle it well? What techniques or previous experiences got him through such a difficult moment?

    Wildcard: 8/10

    I had to throw you some extra points here, both because of the delayed judgment and because I really enjoyed reading this thread. Keep up the good work!

    Final Score: 59/100

    Paladin_Lorenor receives: 1875 EXP and 180 GP, as well as a shard of the Tablet of Destiny!

    Note: Rewards are inclusive of Stonevale 1.5x bonus.
    Also note: The Tablet of Destiny was awarded in addition to GP because it has no special powers and presumably cannot be sold. If it obtains powers/value in a future thread, those properties will need to be approved as spoils at that time.

    Congratulations!
    Shoot some diamonds and sparks
    from your torso

    -Wax Mannequin

  2. #12
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 209,214, Level: 20
    Level completed: 0%, EXP required for next Level: 0
    Level completed: 0%,
    EXP required for next Level: 0


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    38,525
    AP
    0
    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Rewards added.
    Shoot some diamonds and sparks
    from your torso

    -Wax Mannequin

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