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  1. #11
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
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    Level completed: 13%,
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    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

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    Nosdyn's power was met with very little resistance. There's something they want me to see. Something they NEED me to see. As he entered the depths of the creature's mind he saw a penetrating darkness and then something else after the darkness as a force, a void, parted. He saw something he didn't expect to see after the event horizon.

    We brought you here to talk. The shadow said in Nosdyn's mind.

    How is this possible...? Nosdyn responded.

    Outside, the shadow man and Nosdyn appeared to be as one entity, one face united.

    The fall of society is inevitable. There is a coming disaster. You and your mortal races will be powerless to stop it. The voice said.

    Nos listened. Then...what do you need me to do...?

    The voice continued. ...You must live, Nosdyn son of Krotar. There must be a new generation of warriors to protect Althanas from the coming disaster.

    The great calamity... Nosdyn thought to himself, but the shadow man could hear.

    Take your weapon and use your prowess to defeat your current foe. But remember what you have learned here today. There is a coming calamity. You must GROW STRONG, and survive it. With that, Nosdyn felt the voice grow quiet as it was silenced.

    He turned to look towards Hayate. He activated his weapon once more, and stalked towards his opponent. He was looking up towards the corpse king and towards Hayate. As he walked forward his mind was focused on the task at hand. I must do everything in my power to win here... As his eyes narrowed he looked at Hayate and memorized everything about the physical appearance of the lord. At that point, the screams of a dying Radasanth still filled the air. What place did Nosdyn have in it all? I want to create a world where Demons and Men can live in harmony...is such a thing too grand a dream...? Nosdyn had lived a life-time of conflict and betrayal. Since his youth, he'd learned the demon's code of doing things, their way of conquest. It was all he knew and something he was born into.

    As he grew older he began to see the error in Demon society.

    In truth, the error in ALL society. It's a dream, but it's a dream worth fighting for. Nosdyn limped as he walked towards Hayate and the corpse king. The limp was an acquired from his battle with the boy named Morus. That battle had been intense and brutal, but Nosdyn had shown restraint in fighting the stalwart lad. The thought repeated itself in his mind. Demons and Men can live together in peace and harmony. It is a dream, but a dream worth fighting for. As he thought about those matters, a shadow-man walked towards Nosdyn and stood in front of him.

    Nosdyn stared at the shadowy creature and narrowed his eyes. "Do you intend to stop me...?" Nosdyn asked.

    "...No." The shadow man spoke without a moving mouth. He simply spoke, projecting his voice outward.

    "Then why stand in front of me?" Nosdyn asked.

    "...Look." The shadow man said suddenly pointing towards his east.

    Nosdyn looked in that direction and saw what the shadow man wanted them to see. Fires had begun to spread all over Radasanth. The shadow men were on every roof top of every damaged building in the area. The citadel was burning as well. Nosdyn narrowed his eyes. "I see..."

    "...Defeat the warrior and his pet." The shadow man said to Nosdyn and moved out of Nosdyn's way. The shadow men seemed to view Nosdyn as something that they did not view the other mortal races of Radasanth that were slain so horribly. Nosdyn stopped directly in front of the corpse king. "You." Nosdyn began. "No more running. Will you fight me here or not...?" Nosdyn said to both the corpse king and Hayate. His weapon was ignited with the blade making it's furious sound of souls suffering in this or that hell. Nosdyn waited to hear what Hayate would say, and he readied his weapon after that. Nosdyn was ready.

  2. #12
    Member

    EXP: 9,940, Level: 4
    Level completed: 19%, EXP required for next Level: 4,060
    Level completed: 19%,
    EXP required for next Level: 4,060


    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    992

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    The young lord had begun to see things clearly now, from the very beginning he had been doomed to fail. Was Shinsou playing some kind of cheap trick on him or did he seriously think that he could win with the odds stacked against him? Nosdyn had set up some kind of elaborate trap as he showed his clear control over the shadow men in the city. He commanded them in a similar way Hayate controlled the Corpse King.

    Don’t you see where your blind devotion leads you… Yamato rang in the back of the young swordsman’s mind like a siren. Into traps my master, literally traps.

    Now is not the time for lectures.

    What do you have in mind…?

    If I can’t hurt them then it’s all up to you, Hayate instructed his partner as he pointed his sword to the crowd of shadow men. I doubt we will have a second chance at this.

    “Rise up Corpse King,” The lord of Yukon said through the holes in his mask. “Bring my enemies only devastation and pain!” as the incantation left his lips a swirling pool of deep red energy began to swirl all around him. It pulsed and flared outward violently as it condensed around the young lord. Hayate then began to roar like a beast as the spectral form of the Corpse King came into vision. It danced between this world and the next eyeing all the shadows and demon waiting to receive its wrath.

    “If you want a fight,” Hayate yelled to Nosdyn. “You’ve got one yourself one.”

    In what seems like an instant the Corpse King shattered the boundaries between this world and his own in a violent clash and anger. Hayate was safely stashed within the titan’s chest cavity as it began its deadly assault. In a blur of movements the avatar conjured forth a katana of its one and began to stash violently as the shadow men attacked him. They swarmed the Corpse King like a wave of ants but stood no chance against his might. The titan slashed through them as if they were paper even sending shockwaves into the few standing just behind those he killed.

    Even the Beast’s mighty legs were enough to send the shadow people flying as he ran past towards Nosdyn. The Demon stood there with such a smug look of entitlement on his face. If it were Hayate alone he would sure have given up. But it wasn’t just the young lord, he had Yamato to help keep him together. The Corpse King closed the gap between them and the demon while simultaneously kicking up a large chunk of rubble towards Nosdyn mid stride. Imitation was the highest form of flattery after all.

  3. #13
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
    Level completed: 13%, EXP required for next Level: 8,780
    Level completed: 13%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,780


    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

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    In the distance, The Citadel burned.

    Smoke rose upward to taint the sky. It was a fitting end to the legacy of Radasanth. The shadow men easily destroyed the population of Radasanth and sacked it. Buildings crumbed under the weights of various fires and destruction. The shadow men were converging on Radasanth for a very specific prize.

    Nosdyn had seen the mind of the shadow men and he was certain he knew what they were after. Granted that he was a Haidian, he did not really want to save a Human civilization. He found himself torn between his dreams and the goals of the shadow men. His eyes were narrowed as he stood there, conflicted. The shadow men were attacking Radasanth...and yet...he did not want to prevent the fall of their society. Though it was true that he'd changed during his time in Stonevale, he was still a Demon FIRST. As he stood there, on the broken streets, he observed. His thoughts were a whirlwind of chaos as he considered what he should do.

    Part of him wanted to help save Radanth during it's time of need. But given the other side of the coin, they'd leave me out to dry for being a Demon... Nosdyn thought that last part very casually of the equation. He was a strategist first, and he knew that the shadow-men were a far superior enemy. Part of something else all together...a collective of sorts. Their agenda was not one of corruption or anything like that, they simply had a racial motivation to do what they had done.

    Were they wrong...am I wrong...? Nosdyn was conflicted. He thought about what he wanted, an Althanas where Demons and Men could live together. He looked down on the broken cobblestone for a moment or two as he considered the folly of that. It is just a dream...but why do I have it...? Is my dream worth fighting for...? Nosdyn observed with a raised eyebrow as his opponent became as one organism with his pet, The Corpse King. It was a truly interesting event to observe. As he'd stared at it he watched as The Corpse King absorbed the young lord and they became as one entity.

    "...By The Thayne. You've taken away your advantage FOR ME." Nosdyn suddenly said. At first he'd been concerned about how he was going to defeat TWO opponents. But now that he has combined with the other thing... Nosdyn walked forward towards The Corpse King. "You're a fool. I don't know if you can hear me in there...but you are a FOOL." Nosdyn did not say that with any actual malice in his voice, he merely spoke in a matter of fact way. Readying his weapon one more time, Nosdyn slowly began to feel rage building up from within.

    Then...there was doubt. Is it right to kill him outright...given what I want...? Nosdyn thought to himself. This is The Citadel, he knew the risks going into this fight and so did I. The difference being is that I'm prepared to die. He is afraid. Nosdyn had observed the young lord's fancy clothing and attire and had assumed he was a noble from this or that nation. Noble blood... The thought swelled in his mind as he readied himself to attack. He was not built for stealth or speed, but rather...pure raw strength. Nosdyn was already hurt from the previous round of attacks, blood slowly trickling down from the injuries he'd sustained. However, the pain fueled his power and his Demon's desire to spread waste and destruction.

    Again the feeling of conflict touched his heart. Why...do I feel this way now...? Is it because of Jake or something else all together. Jake... Nosdyn thought of his arch-enemy turned ally. The event back in Stonevale had changed Nosdyn significantly. He'd died for Stonevale.

    The fact that the Stonevale citizens had accepted Nosdyn as he was...showed him that his dream could be achieved. It was a dream worth fighting for...and as Nosdyn stood there...blade at the ready, something happened. Nosdyn merely stared at The Corpse King/Hayate's eyes and did not attack. He was going to let The Corpse King approach. Even as the creature kicked up debris and cobblestone, a few of the pieces did hit Nosdyn. He flinched but did not retreat or counter. He was going to test The Corpse King's full power. He was gong to test himself...he was going to test them ALL.

  4. #14
    Member

    EXP: 9,940, Level: 4
    Level completed: 19%, EXP required for next Level: 4,060
    Level completed: 19%,
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    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    992

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    The swordsman and his creature were equally shocked to see Nosdyn take the lump of cobblestone to the face without even as much as flinching or winching even a little bit. He merely accepted the damage and went on and on challenging Hayate and the Corpse King. The young lord knew that the demon standing before him wasn’t a quick fighter, but what he lacked in speed and dexterity Nosdyn made up for endurance and durability. Nosdyn wanted Hayate to play his game, he been doing so from the beginning anyway.

    Do It! cried out to his partner tossing out any plans they had out the window. Rip his apart!

    The Corpse King growled in agreeance and leap at the demon closing the gap between them in a single might leap. As he landed dust and small debris went flying but didn’t stop the two opponents as neither budged an inch. Then the monstrous titan lifted its massive hand with his ethereal blade ready to deliver a decisive swing to cleave the demon in two at the hip. His strength would be more than enough to dent metals so even if Nosdyn tried his trick again Hayate was fairly confident that it wouldn’t completely stop his attack.

    Don’t let your guard up of even a second, The swordsman commanded of his titan. Grab his blade with your free hand the second you see him move. I’ll be ready to deliver the final blow.

    Understood. Yamato responded knowing well enough that they wouldn’t get a second shot at this. They had to make this count or it would all be over.
    "Just shut up for once! What the hell do you know about it?! It's not like you ever had a family in the first place! You were on your own right from the beginning, what makes you think you know anything about it?! Huh?! I'm suffering now because I had those ties, how on earth could you possibly understand, what it feels like to lose all that!" -Sasuke Uchiha

  5. #15
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
    Level completed: 13%, EXP required for next Level: 8,780
    Level completed: 13%,
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    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

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    Nosdyn had one more iron skin ability to use.

    However, he would not need it. Debris and other items flew towards Nosdyn and caused more bruises and cuts. Nosdyn assumed this was Hayate's final last-ditch attack. Nosdyn's more tactical oriented mind saw the tell as soon as the creature landed and raised his arm to attack with that elegant sword. Nosdyn's eyes narrowed and he was a able to see through the dust with some degree of comfort. Thanks to his enhanced senses. Nosdyn's muscles tightened as he prepared to act.

    The mighty sword was swung through the air in an attempt to cut Nosdyn in two clean pieces. Nosdyn knew the attack would be fatal if it connected. However, Nosdyn was also not a fool. He was already moving when Hayate's monster attacked. Instead of firing off his last use of his ability, Nosdyn swung his mighty blade as he saw the other's weapon coming close. In a dynamic display of skill and swordsmanship, Nosdyn pivoted his body and swung his weapon in an exact fashion to intercept the man's curved weapon. As he swung his weapon, there was a suddenly spark of energy and light as Nosdyn countered.

    Nosdyn held his weapon in a very particular way, pointing completely downward and intercepting the man's sword. Nosdyn's muscles burned against the weight of The Corpse King's attack, but Nosdyn did not show any fear. In the face of his opponent, he'd shown bravery and courage. Nosdyn held his weapon the entire time that The Corpse King and Hayate attempted their slash. Nosdyn held the monster at bay with his own enhanced strength. It hurt, but he was able to JUST hold on. He waited to see what Hayate would attempt next with their two blades locked in a grapple-style-lock.

  6. #16
    Member

    EXP: 9,940, Level: 4
    Level completed: 19%, EXP required for next Level: 4,060
    Level completed: 19%,
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    Hayate_Amatsukami's Avatar

    GP
    992

    Name
    Hayate Amatsukami
    Age
    22
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Salvar
    Though Nosdyn seemed to halt the Corpse King’s attack the combined assault of Hayate and his thrall was not nearly over. Hayate planned on the Hadian to conjure his impenetrable defense once more in the hopes that it would be the last time he would be able to do so yet that wasn’t the case. Nosdyn moved only a little bit bringing his mighty weapon up to intercept the sword of the monster.

    Hayate would punish him dearly for this

    The young swordsman seemed to shoot out from the chest of the Corpse King like a bullet carrying all the momentum from the beast great swing. This was his only shot at this so ever movement counted. As he soared the briefest of distances Hayate unlatched his grappling hook from the folds of his garb and griped its iron links firmly in both hands. The second Hayate passed by Nosdyn’s head the swordsman tried to twist his chain around the demon’s neck. He planned to force the demon off his feet and hopefully to the ground.

    This opportunity was not lost to the Avatar as Yamato reared back his mighty leg before slinging it forward to deliver a powerful kick. Though they were both in near perfect synergy the two fighters weren’t sure if this would be enough to stop the Demon, much less the circling horde of shadow men that seemed to serve Nosdyn. But if the Demon wanted to fight he would have one.

    Get ready to move my lord, Yamato stated as he could feel his strength start to overpower the Demon’s. It was a delicate situation, one that could quickly go badly for Hayate. The moment he retracts his blade you need to avoid his counter attack.

    Hayate knew what he had to do and the moment he placed his feet on the ground about a meter behind Nosdyn he pulled the chain with all the strength he could muster.
    Last edited by Hayate_Amatsukami; 07-01-2018 at 12:32 PM.
    "Just shut up for once! What the hell do you know about it?! It's not like you ever had a family in the first place! You were on your own right from the beginning, what makes you think you know anything about it?! Huh?! I'm suffering now because I had those ties, how on earth could you possibly understand, what it feels like to lose all that!" -Sasuke Uchiha

  7. #17
    Legend

    EXP: 45,220, Level: 9
    Level completed: 13%, EXP required for next Level: 8,780
    Level completed: 13%,
    EXP required for next Level: 8,780


    Nosdyn's Avatar

    GP
    2,737

    Name
    ~Nosdyn Krotar~
    Age
    Ancient...
    Race
    ~Old Soldier~
    Gender
    ~Male~
    Location
    Ettermire/Alerar

    View Profile
    As Nosdyn held the swordman's weapon at bay for a moment or two longer...something happened.

    Out the corner of his eyes Nosdyn noticed Hayate emerge from the body of The Corpse King. Hayate's speed was far superior to Nosdyn's who was not built for reaction time or dexterious movements. A wind came in from the south at that point, fires coursing through the streets of Radasanth. As Nosdyn stood there, he noticed that Hayate had a different weapon, or piece of equipment than before. Nosdyn frowned considering what was about to happen. As he held the sword at bay from the attack of The Corpse King, the wind was suddenly knocked out of Nosdyn's throat.

    There was an ever constricting iron chain whip wrapped around Nosdyn's neck. Nosdyn immediatley gasped for air, but concentrated just so so that he could keep himself upright. His muscles strained against the dual pronged attack of his opponent. Tears swelled down Nosdyn's face from the ever constricting weapon tied around his neck. With the air rapidly leaving his lungs, Nosdyn could no longer concentrate on holding The Corpse King at bay. His weapon shut off a few seconds later, though Nosdyn fought to stay conscious, The Corpse King's attack connected.

    There was little he could do to prevent what was going to happen. A moment earlier, he'd been holding The Corpse King in a dead-lock, but at that point the tides of battle changed. Nearby, on one of the crumbling buildings, one of the shadow men observed as Nosdyn was killed. There had been no time for Nosdyn to react to the sneak attack. As he stood there, he was easily cut in two halves by The Corpse King's sword and his upper half and lower half fell the ground in a gory display. Nosdyn kept trying to fight off his fall and demise but there was nothing he could do. He blanked out and the fight was over.

  8. #18
    Ride The Lightning

    EXP: 166,794, Level: 17
    Level completed: 83%, EXP required for next Level: 3,206
    Level completed: 83%,
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    Storm Veritas's Avatar

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    25,550

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    Storm Veritas
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    39
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    Human
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    Male
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    Corone
    (Scores are formatted as: [Nosdyn, Hayate/Total] )

    There is a strange tonality overall in this thread that I’d like to address. It felt as if both writers were very focused in the success of their characters in battle, as perhaps some pride is tied to the power of your character. I can’t emphasize strongly enough that this is a functional mistake. Please focus on the quality of the story, the mechanics, and the READER, rather than which writer has constructed a more powerful in-game persona that can defeat other characters. Both of you clearly have a lot of talent that was left on the table here because as the reader it felt like this became a bit of a pissing match and your writing didn’t mesh like it is capable of.

    Plot: 12, 13/30

    Story- 4,5 /10

    The entire premise of this thread is based upon these two squaring up in Radasanth for a fight. There is no interaction with Radasanth as a city that separates it from a vacant industrial complex; minimal mentions of citizens running in fear or trying to intervene, no life of the city interjected. I felt like that was a miss.

    The story is also a battle, so I understand that motivation is not necessarily going to be strong. With that said, there was very little effort made to create character motivations. Hayate’s “test” from Shinsou, and Nosdyn’s desire to test himself were creative angles, but they weren’t really fleshed out.

    Setting- 4, 4/10

    This was a pretty mediocre thread for both of you in this respect. Setting was limited to visual sensory; even the tactical sensation of getting chopped in half or suffering damage as Hayate were really not very well represented. There was a little engagement in the setting based on the buildings used, but it could have just as easily been a slab of mountain as it was a large building you were chopping up.

    Pacing- 4, 4/10

    For a short battle with very little buildup, the pacing was a bit choppy. Nosdyn and Hayate both toggled back and forth between turns where they did literally nothing, or turns where I thought they had multiple moves strung into one turn.

    Fundamentally it was clear that you were both enjoying the write, but struggling with communication amongst each other. Hayate’s allusion later in the thread that “damage taken by the Corpse King is transferred to him” was a nice gesture to let Nosdyn in, but you should find a way to introduce that tidbit out of the gate, or communicate with each other via PM/GoogleDoc/Facebook/carrier pigeons.

    Character: 15,15 /30

    Communication- 5,4 /10

    Both of you struggled with each other’s actions, or lack thereof. The responses came fast and furious, but it felt like two people writing different stories, rather than a cohesive encounter that you both were enjoying. It’s too bad; I like both of your writing quite a bit and know you’re both capable of a great deal more.

    Nosdyn, there are times when your character says way too much. The time it takes to articulate multiple sentences is often underestimated in a battle, where a fraction of a second is super critical.

    Hayate, it felt like your character was struggling to be a realistic character. You have all these shadow figures around that attack the city, but it’s unclear if that saps your energy. The Yamato/Corpse King character seems invincible at first and then becomes your weakness, even though he’s largely just a visage. Your character could be much more interesting if you add some more vulnerability to him rather than focusing on making him ultra powerful in character.


    Action- 5,6/10

    This was one of the stronger categories, although as I’ve mentioned the pacing struggled a little bit with the overall activity level of the thread. There was no animosity in this battle, which was interesting when two characters engage in a death match.

    Nosdyn, I really liked that you didn’t close attacks and had some creative ideas, not simply hacking and slashing at your opponent. You were on the nose a bit with how slow Nosdyn is relative to his power.

    Hayate, your character has some nice depth here with a little Japanese vibe, very similar to some of the thematic elements that Shinsou offers. There was a lot of action that you offered here to make things exciting, but it wasn’t extremely well connected. The shadow crew seemed to become a bit abandoned along the way, which was odd.

    Persona- 5,5/10

    Both characters are unique and have a really interesting vibe to them. I like Nosdyn’s complete dispassion, although it certainly feels like he could use a shot of humanity to make him a little more relatable. Hayate also has a cool vibe about him, but more time was spent talking about what he’s capable of than focusing in on who he is and what really makes him tick.

    This isn’t a thread that lends itself to really developing persona. You don’t get penalized or rewarded; it is what it is.

    Prose: 14,15 /30

    Mechanics- 4,4 /10

    This was the weakest category for both of you, and frankly a “4” is being a little generous. It was very obvious that these posts were not carefully proofread, as I struggled to find any posts from either of you that was totally clean. Specifically, Hayate needs to do much better in formatting spacing and construction of thoughts relative to normal text. Nosdyn had a large number of incomplete sentences.


    Clarity- 5,5/10

    This was a reasonably strong category for you both, although I had to go back a couple times to format my thoughts on each character. Nosdyn’s activities were rarely ambitious, and some of his activities were questionable; why was he slashing at the building when it’s clear he’d be strong enough to climb? Hayate did a nice job of clarifying Yamato, the voice in his head, from the main character. Conversely, I think all the moving pieces in Hayate’s posts made understanding some of it a bit unnecessarily complex.


    Technique- 5,6 /10

    I won’t dock you both again on this as I already hammered on poor spelling and mechanics problems. There wasn’t much in the way of metaphor, foreshadowing, or allusion here, although Hayate’s allusion to some Althanian lore with other characters and regions got him an extra point.

    Wildcard: 5,5 /10

    It seemed like a fun thread that took a turn at some point and went a little off the rails. The post rate implies some rushed writing. Having fun is a big part of Althanas, so I hope you enjoyed this ride and learn from some easy-cleaned mistakes.


    Final Score: 46,48 /100

    Hayate Wins!

    Nosdyn receives:

    300 EXP!
    40 GP!

    Hayate receives:

    1000 EXP!
    80 GP!


    Congratulations!
    Last edited by Storm Veritas; 07-17-2018 at 04:19 PM.

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