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Thread: Workshop: The Learning Twist

  1. #1
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    Workshop: The Learning Twist

    Name of Completed Thread: The Learning Twist
    Name of Authors: Breaker and Capoeirista
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 12 Posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 12th February 2018

    Critique Guidelines:

    1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

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    Last edited by Breaker; 02-11-2018 at 11:03 AM.
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  2. #2
    Thayneslayer

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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Joshua Breaker Cronen
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    Since this thread has not yet received feedback, the workshop will remain open until February 11th 2018.

    Edit: Make that February 12th.
    Last edited by Breaker; 02-11-2018 at 11:03 AM.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  3. #3
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    Vixen Crowsfoot's Avatar

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    Plot:

    Setting:
    In terms of setting I felt there could have been more power in describing the scene within the citadel room, which was just briefly done. Though this is not central much to the story as a whole, for it is mostly about these two people and how they meet, it still could have done with more detail. The way that the citadel is introduced is more through the eyes of dialogue when meeting Medsan. Certainly, however, with the opening of the thread there is a lot of power, with explaining the sea, how it effects Alina, and then later on the brilliant description of Radansath at the start of post 3, where you say, "enthralled by the sights and smells" and go on to use colour, noise and the five senses to give an idea of what Alina is experiencing.

    Story and pacing: For story, I can see why you set it within Corone, rather than the Citadel itself, for this is much more of a quest prose story, with the adventures of a young Falleni coming into a new country and learning more about herself. There is also the matter of bunnying, which is not common in a citadel/combat thread. You still, however, had plenty of fighting, and it adds to the general story about how they meet and make contact, then size each other's powers up by fighting. In terms of pacing I saw some very good build up of the fight itself, and though the combat itself is short it needs to be almost this way. I do like the twist ending that Breaker and she come off the waterfall, and there is the suggestion of some romance. This is more used as an ironic technique. I felt the final scene dragged for a little, in the long conversation that they have and you could have made more references to struggling and so on here. Overall, however, a brilliant story. I would say that with a little more development of plot could help here, suggesting why particularly Breaker's goddess wanted him and Alina to meet, and you could look at a JC with this one.

    Character:

    Capoerista - From the outset I had an idea of who Alina was with her physical description of "small Fallieni woman" presenting just a start to her personhood. The fact that she does not speak Tradespeak sets her out with a weakness that humanises her well, and is emphasised in the fact that she needs to pronouce words. (e.g. post 1: “The… Ci-ta-del.”) Her connection to her horse, and the way you write their relationship adds to her personality. One point is in post 3 where Moondancer just knows "to wait for her" and you make a point that Alina has no ropes or reigns. The way you write them suggests how Moondancer is essentially a familiar. Her fight is also admirable, and shows the passionate part of her as after she falls and is offered a hand from Breaker (in post 4) she states: “You are my opponent,” she spat in Fallieni, “I will accept no help from you. Finish me now, like a true warrior.” This strength is further shown when she lists the amount of accompishments that Breaker is supposed to have done in Fallien, but decides: "No, this man was some form of trickster." In terms of fighting it is clear that Alina is less powerful, and you do not shy away from admitting this when her bones in her foot "shatter" (post 8). She still is determined to fight, going on from the clear power that Breaker has over her and this makes her a respectable person. It also allows her to develop as a character as she comes to the realisation that Breaker is actually the same one of legend, and I love her determination though to keep on going. Overall I felt there could have been more persona - perhaps consider the idea of inner thoughts.

    Breaker - Dialogue here shows Breaker's devotion to his goddess (or should I say, one of his goddesses). In post 2 you have the following line: "I’m not here for the practice, or the people, or even the rush. I’m here because my goddess wishes it.” I like the familiarity that you set out from the start that Breaker has with the Citadel itself, that is pronoucned through your word choice and the actions he portrays. The emphasis that he wants to fight is clear, yet he still has a great amount of honour, in the fact that he offers a hand to the fallen Alina. He has also determination and knowledge of who he himself is, with "Josh threw back his head and laughed out loud," that emphasised his amusement of Alina and begins to build towards an acquaintenceship between the two. His actions were kind, but then strong when they needed to be to show just the extent of his power, when he fights and breaks her foot. He is not too mocking. What I would like to see though is some weakness in Breaker in your writing, for he does seem to continuously be just powerful. Yes, physically he is, yet you could have added some emotional or mental weakness traits. There is the fact he takes some hits, but these are very weak and almost seem like he is allowing them to fall. Saying all of this, it is clear that Breaker is something of a gentleman, in the way he suggests they both die together off the waterfall, and these actions plus those of not offering to help Alina up show that he is thinking of his goddess in this time. Though you could explicitly say this.

    Prose:

    First of all I am going to comment on the opening lines of this thread. These are:
    "Before Alina left her homeland of Fallien, she’d spoken at length with other travellers. They’d told her sailing to Corone would be like riding a great wooden horse across the salt sea.

    They had lied."
    The reason why I want to focus on them is that they are the essence of what makes a very compelling story, inviting the reader into the action directly. The longer sentences, followed by that smaller one on its own paragraph convey a resolute statement that marks out not only the story beginnings but also Alina as a person.
    There are some great lines of technique used here, along with some good simile use. One of them could be said to be, "swaying to and fro like an adder," in post 8. There are some uses of imagery also in the mention of the smells and sounds of Radasanth, back in post 3, that add to an atmosphere (see Plot). Overall, for Breaker, however, I have seen you written stronger, with use of personification and imagery being two techniques you have employed in the past. I felt there was some technique here but it could have been developed. In terms of mechanics there was no noticable mistakes, and I felt it was very clear most of all, and I understood the plot well. There was the use of irony, however, with the last few posts that look at the prospect of intercourse but in a situation as they are in it is clearly inappropriate and you highlight this.
    Last edited by Philomel; 02-12-2018 at 04:04 PM.

  4. #4
    Thayneslayer

    EXP: 197,544, Level: 19
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    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    12,455
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    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
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    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    This workshop is now closed pending rewards.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  5. #5
    Thayneslayer

    EXP: 197,544, Level: 19
    Level completed: 43%, EXP required for next Level: 11,456
    Level completed: 43%,
    EXP required for next Level: 11,456


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    12,455
    AP
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    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    29
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Vixen Crowsfoot receives 120 EXP, 24 GP and 4 AP.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  6. #6
    Thayneslayer

    EXP: 197,544, Level: 19
    Level completed: 43%, EXP required for next Level: 11,456
    Level completed: 43%,
    EXP required for next Level: 11,456


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    12,455
    AP
    228
    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    29
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    All rewards added. Thanks to Vixen Crowsfoot for her contribution!
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

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