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Thread: Workshop: The Succubus Severed Soul (mature)

  1. #1
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    Workshop: The Succubus Severed Soul (mature)

    Name of Completed Thread: The Succubus Severed Soul
    Name of Authors: Breaker and sweet.seduction
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 18 Posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 12th February 2018

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    Last edited by Breaker; 02-11-2018 at 11:03 AM.
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

  2. #2
    Ride The Lightning

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    Storm Veritas's Avatar

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    I enjoyed this thread quite a bit, so wanted to weigh in here if I could.

    Story: 24/30 - By far the best part of the thread, the story was simply excellent. I was gripped tightly by Ranja and his pursuit, kidnapping, and assault of Leila, as well as the creative and at times quite funny rescue mission. The split storylines between these two parallel developments was played off nicely. The only suggestion I'd make is that the pacing seemed a little contradictory here; it felt as though the pacing of Josh's rescue efforts could have been a bit more frenetic. The climax with Ranja was also a bit short, but it was well foreshadowed with his directive to Simone.


    Character: 22/30 - Had some issues here, but overall again I thought this was quite strong. I think Cronen comes across as so purely wonderful that it takes a bit away from his depth; there are times and threads where he felt more conflicted than he did here. From his heroic rescue to his incredible strength through his selfless sacrifice, Josh is if anything a bit too perfect to surprise you in this one. Simone and Ranja were both well characterized; I particularly liked Ranja as someone that felt betrayed and didn't understand how evil a character he really was. Leila was an interesting character here; she was understandably horrified at the premise of losing her children and was very vulnerable.

    The interaction between characters was also generally well done, with the exception of some dialogue components.

    Prose: 20/30 - Overall, this was a good, fairly clean thread. The grammatical mistakes were few and far between, and there were some really nice stylistic elements dropped in (such as the foreshadowing of Ranja's death). I'm going to spend some time on the only thing I had any issue with, which was dialogue.

    Simply, the dialogue was a struggle here, because you both choose to write in the voice of your character. This is straightforward "bunnying", however we generally presume that is approved/accepted between you and this isn't a competitive thread. The problem it presented was that the tonality of your dialogue is different since you're much different writers, and thus it really changes how I view the characters, given both characters have had dialogue thrust upon them.

    Sweet Seduction, I felt that your dialogue was the only thing that was lacking when it came to grammatical tidiness. There are quite a few missing commas and question marks that change the inflection of what you're saying. For example, in post sixteen, Leila asks "are you both okay". By omitting the question mark, I'm left really confused- was that a typo, or was that intentional, implying that she didn't really care and was saying it without affection? This is a small example; there were quite a few commas missing that changed the voice of the characters you wrote.

    I'm nitpicking here because personally I always prefer the areas for improvement be highlighted for my threads. In this thread, I think you both did a really nice job. There are a few spots that can be significantly improved, and done so fairly easily. Please keep it up, I look forward to seeing what happens next!



    Wildcard:



    Final score: JC/100

  3. #3
    upon the cheek of night

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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Workshop closed, pending rewards. Big thanks to Storm for his contribution.
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  4. #4
    upon the cheek of night

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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Storm Veritas receives 1530 EXP, 36 GP, and 4 AP.
    Last edited by Breaker; 02-11-2018 at 10:16 AM.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  5. #5
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 206,434, Level: 19
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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Rewards added, workshop archived.

    Edit: This workshop has been re-opened for one additional day to allow those who have read it to finish their commentary.
    Last edited by Breaker; 02-11-2018 at 11:01 AM.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  6. #6
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    Philomel's Avatar

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    Story:

    In terms of setting I was aware of what was around from the start. The time of day, the general landscape and the atmosphere were touched upon. It continues strong when you go to hell. What I really liked seeing here was the references to many of the traditional Hades myths, such as the name of Charon, the Ferryman. For plot itself the entire story was endearing and strong, with a good storyline that grips the reader. One qualm that I had though was that it was a little too easy to get into the cells - I felt that you could have done some more adventure here. Though it ended up being part of a trick they did not mention that it was too easy or anything. This was not explained clearly.
    Following on from this point the tension built well, with the finding of Simone a great reunion. The revelation that Leila's child will be stillborn is extraordinarily powerful also, and gives foreshadowing well. Then you have the sudden appearance of Ranja. This is at post 9, and I would say this is where your pacing fell a little. I would have liked maybe more of a sudden build up to Ranja's appearance - such as them coming across him as they are running away, and all seems well and they are safe, and then he suddenly appears. The fight in post 11 could definitely have done with some more description, but the scenes following this pick up the pace and continue on an excellent storyline. My favourite part, however, is definitely when Simona stabbed Ranja in the neck and finished him off saying, "you said to stab him in the neck." This is both hilarious and a great connection to earlier plot. The ending of this thread was remarkable, with an excellent cliffhanger of Breaker surrending as a prisoner in order to let Leila go. The fact you end of this opens up to more threads in the future ... that I want to read.

    Character:

    Leila's character is very powerful, how she balances being a succubus at the same time as wanting to live a life, fighting stereotypes. Her dialogue is powerful: in post two she states, "Do you think so little of me" and “why because I am a sex demon I must lay with many men?” Her actions as well show her love for her child, as she cups her belly and seems very happy. Yet, still, she is able to go and rescue her mother, showing her strength of character. You show weakness as well, which is important for characterisation, when you have her not able to go on out of stress/fear/anxiety in post 8. Weakness is also shown when Ranja comes in and she is unable to talk. You also show some devleopments of persona in her instinctual actions of looking at her stomach in post 12, that shows her surprise. I really like her determination towards the end where she shows her prowess in still wanting to rescue her lover, despite her weakened state.

    Breaker seems a loveable man from this thread, and one can feel his physical power as well as his passion. Actions such as stroking her chin (post 3) show his ability to be gentle, yet he is also obviously a fighter in the more combat scenes. His dialogue is also verging on humerous, yet recognising of the seriousness of the situation. In post 4 when he talks about the rescue he says: "This will be quite the adventure." The very strength of him is desmonstrated when he opens the manacles on Simone, which was dramatically written. You showed various signs to Breaker in this thread, and though it could have perhaps done with more persona, in knowing what his inner thoughts were, you wrote well here. The most compelling line, however could be said to be in post 12: “I know a lot about killing.” Breaker said grimly. In terms also of good lines you show his wit with “I surrender!” in post 15. As a last action written Breaker giving himself up to let Leila go is strong and shows his devotion to her well.

    In terms of Ranja I found his character written very powerfully. From the way he enters in post 9 to how he speaks in post 10 (E.g. “Speak, have you lost your tongue?” He snapped at her.) The way he abuses Leila and uses her soul, and then speaks of how he will just get rid of the baby currently there is harsh and shows him well as a heartless villain. When he also throws Leila around in post 12 it also shows his dislike for the babies. His twisting words as well in post 14 of "why must you make me hurt you" shows his manipulation power - basically you came up with an excellent villain here folks.

    Prose:

    Mechanically wise there are some moments where sentence strucuture does not quite work. In terms of sweet.seduction post 6 has: "Standing on the concrete platform that is the only way in and out of Hell." This reads a little clumsily, and with some punctuation and a small amount of rewording it can be clearer. E.g. "They stood on the concrete platform, the only way in and out of Hell." Both of you also need to keep an eye on paragraphing, as sometimes you have only only line between them, and sometimes two. (see post 6 as example). Another thing to check is tenses. In post 6 you use "steps" as present amongst past. There is also some punctuation mistakes: post 12, where "“Ranja what do you want from me,” should have a question mark ('?') in place of the comma (','). This aside you do show consistency with writing with each other and overall everything is clear and understandable.

    Below are the best parts of technique that I liked. Overall you had some good variety of linguistic uses, including foreshadowing, metaphor and imagery. You have done well in this section and write well together.

    Post 1: "Hot Fallieni sun stretched the shadows long as afternoon bled into evening."
    This is an excellent use of metaphor that grips the reader from the start, using personification effectively.
    post 3: "sun darkened hands"
    This is a really powerful way of describing the colour of skin, but also the general culture that your characters are in.
    Post 8: "the smell of stale death only hung"
    Exceedingly pointant and strong creation of atmosphere and dread. Brilliant foreshadowing in this post as well.
    Post 12: "bounced off the granite headboard, dazed her."
    This gives the imagery of the power of the hit, the fact that you mention it is granite makes it more powerful and the small fractal clause of 'dazed her' shows the final effect.
    Matriarch of the Gilded Lily and of its brothels, associated establishments and the army.

    --
    Characters:
    The family triplet: Philomel, Vaeron and Celandine.
    The god and kenku triplet: Stare, Avin and Vixen.

  7. #7
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 206,434, Level: 19
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next Level: 2,566
    Level completed: 88%,
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    Breaker's Avatar

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    Pending Philomel's rewards.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  8. #8
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 206,434, Level: 19
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next Level: 2,566
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next Level: 2,566


    Breaker's Avatar

    GP
    36,030
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    0
    Name
    Joshua Breaker Cronen
    Age
    30
    Race
    Demigod
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Corone
    Philomel gains 1170 EXP, 36 GP and 4 AP.
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

  9. #9
    upon the cheek of night

    EXP: 206,434, Level: 19
    Level completed: 88%, EXP required for next Level: 2,566
    Level completed: 88%,
    EXP required for next Level: 2,566


    Breaker's Avatar

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    Joshua Breaker Cronen
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    Corone
    Rewards added!
    I got a band-aid for your prose
    Witness the fitness
    Fever taking hold
    You're gonna fall like a domino!

    - Ubiquitous Synergy Seeker

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