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Thread: Workshop: The Succubus Severed Soul (mature)

  1. #1
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    Philomel's Avatar

    Philomel van der Aart (+ Veridian)
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    Workshop: The Succubus Severed Soul (mature)

    Name of Completed Thread: The Succubus Severed Soul
    Name of Authors: Breaker and sweet.seduction
    Type of Thread: Quest
    Thread Length: 18 Posts
    Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
    Date Closed: 9th February 2018

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  2. #2
    Ride The Lightning

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    Storm Veritas's Avatar

    Storm Veritas
    I enjoyed this thread quite a bit, so wanted to weigh in here if I could.

    Story: 24/30 - By far the best part of the thread, the story was simply excellent. I was gripped tightly by Ranja and his pursuit, kidnapping, and assault of Leila, as well as the creative and at times quite funny rescue mission. The split storylines between these two parallel developments was played off nicely. The only suggestion I'd make is that the pacing seemed a little contradictory here; it felt as though the pacing of Josh's rescue efforts could have been a bit more frenetic. The climax with Ranja was also a bit short, but it was well foreshadowed with his directive to Simone.

    Character: 22/30 - Had some issues here, but overall again I thought this was quite strong. I think Cronen comes across as so purely wonderful that it takes a bit away from his depth; there are times and threads where he felt more conflicted than he did here. From his heroic rescue to his incredible strength through his selfless sacrifice, Josh is if anything a bit too perfect to surprise you in this one. Simone and Ranja were both well characterized; I particularly liked Ranja as someone that felt betrayed and didn't understand how evil a character he really was. Leila was an interesting character here; she was understandably horrified at the premise of losing her children and was very vulnerable.

    The interaction between characters was also generally well done, with the exception of some dialogue components.

    Prose: 20/30 - Overall, this was a good, fairly clean thread. The grammatical mistakes were few and far between, and there were some really nice stylistic elements dropped in (such as the foreshadowing of Ranja's death). I'm going to spend some time on the only thing I had any issue with, which was dialogue.

    Simply, the dialogue was a struggle here, because you both choose to write in the voice of your character. This is straightforward "bunnying", however we generally presume that is approved/accepted between you and this isn't a competitive thread. The problem it presented was that the tonality of your dialogue is different since you're much different writers, and thus it really changes how I view the characters, given both characters have had dialogue thrust upon them.

    Sweet Seduction, I felt that your dialogue was the only thing that was lacking when it came to grammatical tidiness. There are quite a few missing commas and question marks that change the inflection of what you're saying. For example, in post sixteen, Leila asks "are you both okay". By omitting the question mark, I'm left really confused- was that a typo, or was that intentional, implying that she didn't really care and was saying it without affection? This is a small example; there were quite a few commas missing that changed the voice of the characters you wrote.

    I'm nitpicking here because personally I always prefer the areas for improvement be highlighted for my threads. In this thread, I think you both did a really nice job. There are a few spots that can be significantly improved, and done so fairly easily. Please keep it up, I look forward to seeing what happens next!


    Final score: JC/100

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