View Full Version : Places I Called Home and the Memory ((Solo))
"A sudden desire to look at places we call home, and remember all the things that made them special. It's not just a landmark that we return to, it's the memories that have been embedded into the mind. In a sense we return to these places to either settle the internal conflicts we have with them, or to just remind ourselves about where we came from. Walking off the ship I stood on the docks and looked out at the city of Scara Brae. I remember the day my adoptive parents brought me here, and all the events that followed." - Excerpt from Yin-Li's Journal Entry Number 87.
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Walking down cobble stone streets a small dark haired girl in a cute light blue sun dress hung onto the hand of her mother. Her father not bothering to be concerned with them walked ahead and stopped outside a shop and talked to an older man with round thin rimmed glasses and greying red hair.The little girl walked with her mother to look at some of the other shops that had more of a feminin feel to them.
"Yin," began the woman that held the little girl's hand, "Why don't we get another dress for you before we go home." she said looking down at the eight-year-old Yin-Li Chen.
"Okay," replied Yin as she looked into the store.
As her mother brought her in, the little girl looked at some of the yellow and red dresses when she caught the eye of another child no older than she was. Yin asked her mother whether she could go play with him and found it strange that she could not this potential new friend. Without hesitation her mother bought the nice dress that Yin wanted and lead her out of the store.
---
Yin never really understood why her mother lead her away from the store as quickly as she could, but she never asked either. Yin assumed she was afraid because the child she saw really was one of the dead. Later in her life she learned it was the store owners son, who had died from a terrible accident a year before.
Yin walked past that same clothing store, and saw a young man running it. Perhaps he had taken over after his mother. Tailoring clothes was not something that was just gender specific. Yin walked over and looked into the store and the first thing she saw was the little boy from her childhood. Yin was entranced by the fact he has still remained after all these years. She wondered then would ghosts remember faces they hadn't seen in years. Then as Yin began to think her thoughts were interrupted by a soft voice. She turned and looked over at the young man who ran the store listening as he spoke.
"Is there something I can help you with miss?" he asked kindly and offered a smile.
Returning the smile Yin replied, "No, but I will go in and have a look at some of the clothing."
Yin walked in and slowly began to zero in on the boy who stood up as she walked over browsing the various fine clothing. Yin looked at him and suddenly felt like she was back to the time she was eight and first met him. He like the young man outside had light brown hair and bright blue eyes. She knelt down so that she was at eye level with him, and just as he was about to speak the young man walked in and looked at her. Yin looked up and waved with a small smile, before returning my gaze to the boy finding no one there. Frowning she stood and look at the man before me.
"Uh wasn't there a child here?" Yin asked with some hesitation.
From what she saw his expression changed from the happy and helpful one, to a mournful look. Yin stood there and listened to him as he explained to her the story about the little boy who infact turned out to be his older brother, who always was his model and protector.
"When he died," said the man, "My mother said it was like he never left the store."
He sighed and combed back his hair, and continued on to tell Yin about the incidents involving unreasonable customers who seemed to have been pulled out of the store and weren't allowed back in.
"I know it's him," he said with a smile. "He loved my mother a lot."
Yin looked at him understanding, and she knew she wouldn't be need there. The boy wasn't a threat of any kind he's just there to protect his family.
"He loves you too," she said listening to the boys voice as he talks to her.
Yin looked at the ghostly figure sitting on the counter, the experience of actually listening to ghosts speak was something so new to her. On a normal day she was only able to see them, but this one had the ability to speak. She began to question something about her powers and the spirits in general, was it her that couldn't hear them since her ability was so under developed? Or was it that the supernatural entities couldn't do it themselves? She suspected it was more of the first than the latter, however with this she could add it to her arsenal as communicating with spirits.
The man looked at her for a moment and turned around, he couldn't see anything, but he knew Yin could. She smiled as she gave him all the answers to the questions he had for his late brother. Yin looked at the young man as he said his "thank-you's" and in the spur of the moment she was given a gigantic bear hug. As he let Yin go he offered to fix some of the rips and tears in her cloak. She kindly declined and made her way out. Yin had other business to attend to, and that she knew even if her cloak had been repaired her profession would never allow it to remain unspoiled for very long.
As Yin walked out to the city streets all the feelings of familliarity rushed through her. She left the city for so long she'd almost forgotten the feeling about being around living beings. It was her own fault though. She alienated herself from every other race for whatever reason it seemed necessary to just be away from people in general.
Over the years with my second master leaving She'd hardened and almost stopped being sociable. Yin combined two professions into one, fields she was not completely familliar to and began taking up jobs dealing with them. Whenever she was in contact with the living, Yin was more talkative, however knowing that she was soon going to be dealing with people who meddled and abused the spiritual world she rarely spoke, or ate sometimes.
Although she was not always like this, with her first master Wesley the ability to speak was a great deal of importance.
---
"Why don't you speak girl?!" yelled the old man as he snapped his book shut.
He looked at a now terrified eight-year-old Yin. She looked at him trying to get her voice to work and fails, only letting out a little squeak. She wasn't used to just talking out without permission. The old man let out a frustrated sigh and patted her on the head understanding.
"It's alright," he said calmly, "I get one or two apprentices every now and then that don't talk much."
He got himself up and started taking out some ingredients for cooking.
---
Yin eventually did open up more with Wesley as time went on. When she was around fifteen give or take a few years he passed away, and she was left alone to try and learn everything Yin could about her own special powers. However this was interrupted when the body collector took away Wesley's body, and she was then taken in by a man that never told her his name.
As Yin walked into the bookstore which was once a home and training area to me. Yin remembered Wesley, and her heart sank. She knew she should be happy about the fact he was probably in a better place, Yin was. However it was the uncomfortable feeling that she had walking back into this former home of hers. She never had it during her stay with Wesley. She couldn't understand why it was here. She knew that something or someone's spirit was let in here, and it was not a welcoming one. Yin looked around the store on alert, she knew she would be needing the assisstance of a cleric or a preist. Yin was not ready to do an exorcism completely on her own.
She frowned as she walked throughout the bookstore. It had been abandoned by the people that took over. She knew she had to leave and get help or the spirit in the store would not let her.
As she made her way back one of the book case dispays was pushed into her pinning her between the opposite wall and it. Yin knew she shouldn have been panicing, but this was becoming a personal issue between her and the spirit in the bookstore. More to add to her worry she could feel some of the edges of the case starting to dig into her skin. Bleeding wasn't something she could afford.
Yin let out a small curse from frustration as she planted her feet against the wall and her palms against the case pushing against the enity's force, "The gods must hate me for giving me the in ability to heal when I get cut."
The woman pushed it enough to slip out and through the door. Yin looked back and saw the face of the spirit in the window. She backed away involuntarily. The feeling of something so cold and evil in the bookstore made her feel so sad and angry. Whoever let that thing in would have to pay dearly.
The feelings of anger hadn't settled even after getting the help to deal with the evil spirit residing in her former masters home. Yin had remembered all the precautions that were made to ensure the bookstore was not disturbed with spirits. She assumed that her master wanted to leave the store to one of his successors.
Standing in the middle of the room the image of what the bookstore looked like lit up. Her memory sees the regular customers walking in browsing picking up a bok or two paying for them then walking out. She could see some of the older apprentices who'd gone off on thier own walk in and pick up their specialty books and greet old Wesley and herself as a child. The nostalgic moment made her relax, and she managed to get her thoughts in order. She made the walk through the bookstore to the back.
The back room was the place where she lived, studied, and ate everyday since she was eight until fifteen. Yin sat on the moth eaten bed and looked around the room. She felt at peace here, closing her eyes she could see the memory of being in that room.
---
A small black haired girl sat at her desk writing away in a note book copying out everything she needed to know about certain spirits and demons. Her handwriting was neat and small. Every letter stroke was beautiful and well practiced, her master told her to-
---
The memory was interrupted from the sound of shuffling coming from her masters old bedrom from above. The moment she heard the sound she was out the door and cautiously up the stairs. Her breathing was controlled so she could remain as silent as possible.
Yin's lips pursed listening to the scratching of chalk on the wooden floor, then sound of a man muttering something. She stood outside the door she could could see the room light up with a single candle, then two, then three. The chanting and incantations made her stomach drop. Yin hadn't known what came over her, she was suddenly scared. The uncomfortable feeling had returned, her body froze when she knew something was there. It didn't feel like it was just in one place, it was around her. It felt like it was choking her, and the next she'd crumpled to the floor.
---
Standing in the back room Yin looked at her late master. Wesley had the look on his face that she hated the most, disappointment.
"Did I not tell you not be scared!" he yelled at her.
"I-I--" Yin couldn't make her voice work.
The last thing she wanted was to make the old man angry. He walked over to her. Despite his old age he was still tall and strong. Yin looked up at him terrified the same feeling as the first day she'd began her studies with him.
"Speak!" yelled Wesley with no sympathy. "I know I taught you better! No apprentice of mine will fear an evil spirit!"
"Wesley, I-" she began, not finding any words.
"You're..."
She felt the impatience from the old man. She took a breath and looked up at him again, "I was never ready for this job when you died, and I- I can't handle it!"
Wesley smiled and walked back to the door towards the stairs. His expression relaxed and nodded, "Everyone can handle the job, you just have to figure out how to, you can't make excuses every time you're scared. You're a grown up and you have a job to do. As an assassin, you have to kill the man in my room. As a clairvoyant you have to expel the evil he brought here. Now, wake up."
Yin nodded, and room disappeared.
---
Pale green eyes looked around the hallway she collapsed in.
Yin looked around the hallway she collapsed in. She sat up holding her head a bit. The dream gave her a bit of a headache. Getting herself up she remembered that she had a job to do when she looked at the glow coming from under the closed bedroom door.
hanging onto the wall she made her way towards the room and peered in through the crack in the door, trying to make out the face of whoever was in there.
It was a joke, there was no way someone would break into her former home, and cause this problem. She peered into the room and watched the figure raise it's arms into the air, chanting. Yin frowned and watched lingering a bit in the door way. Swallowing her fears she silently slipped out a throwing dagger and took aim. She made the toss hoping it hit the back of the persons head and instead hit it's shoulder. Hearing a cry of pain it shook her a bit, but she tried to analyse it the best she could only to find that the voice was androgenous.
She backed away to hide for a secondary attack only to have the person turn around and catch sight of her before she can hide. Every part of her froze. She was scared she'd never seen anyone that was possessed before. It was terrifying and now she knows she's going to die if she doesn't get moving.
'Move dammit!' she screamed internally. 'Move or you die!'
Yin trembled as she backed away and in a burst of cowardice she broke into a run down the stairs and hid amongst the bookshelves. She sat in a corner hiding. She didn't want to be caught she didn't want to get killed she was being a complete child about the entire situation. That was making her angry, her job was a royal pain, and she had to combine two very different professions just to be different.
Yin wanted to rip her own heart out, it felt it was beating right against her rib cage, and the noise of the beating seemed to echo throughout the room. She covered her nose and mouth with her cloak to try and hide her breathing. She closed her eyes hoping this was all just a dream and she would wake up any time. She opened her eyes again to find the man leaning in looking right at her.
Yin was frozen in fear once again. She looked away closing her eyes, but the feeling of another body near her hadn't left. She was too terrified to move, and was mentally trying to talk herself into finishing the job once and for all.
'Come on,' she thought to herself. 'Snap out of it.'
Her heart skipped a beat when she heard a cold voice invade her thoughts trying to get her to lower her defences. Out of the blue she yelled at the air infront of her. Or rather the man that was in her face.
"Leave- me- ALONE!" She made the demand without any shaking in her voice.
The man backed away from her and the voice left her head. Yin sat there trembling, the fear and frustration had blended into one as she stood up. Her katar slipped out from under her sleeve looking at the man her breathing was heavy and she had her mind on murder versus assassination. She was about to strike him with the blade until she caught sight of the grin.
It made her stop knowing if she killed the man it probably wouldn't have been a good thing. She had no real equipment to deal with him, and before she knew it she had the wind knocked out of her.
The last thing she wanted was to end up fighting a possessed male in her old home, and it made her furious as she got her breath back.
Regaining her posture she hadn't had time to think when she'd been tackled and pinned to the ground, Yin wrestled with the possessed man trying to get him off of her. The fighting was draining away her energy, and the adrenaline rush refused to kick in. She wanted to live and beat the evil spirit right out of this man, instead her face was planted with several blows. FInally out of frustration and anger she switched places with the man returning every punch he'd given her and more until she was crying.
She'd found herself being pulled off of the man who seemed to be thrashing about as several other figures arrived to take him away. The man that had pulled her away held her until she'd settled before letting her go and leaving with the rest. Yin wiped her eyes and combed back her hair looking around. She found a key in her old hiding place and walked out locking the door.
Yin headed down the street trying to find something to clear her head out. The city was beautiful but she was starting to remember why she left. She found a wall to just slide down and sit on the ground. Everything that happened in that store made her remember the day she'd left. She'd left because she couldn't handle the city by herself anymore.
Yin was not Wesley, who could handle these things without ever having to look twice.
Yin was certainly not one of his accomplished students, who would come back every now and then but could handle themselves out in the city dealing with all the supernatural entities.
Getting up she tried to find a place to sit and write in her note book.
A thought came to her as she walked through the streets. Yin remembered Valeena lake and smiled to herself as she made her way.
She found herself taking in the sight of the lake and sat down and close as possible to the water. Sitting there she pulled out her note book and pens beginning to flip through the book reading through all the notes she'd taken in her travels outside of Scara Brae. Her gaze catches one in particular that hadn't left her since completing it.
Yin nearly punched the end of her pen through her skin. She rubbed the top of her hand. She closed her eyes. She needed someone to talk to, and this entire story was getting out of hand.
Yin shut her book after a few hours of writing out everything she could remember about the event that happened. She felt a little bit of embarrassment from getting help from other clairvoyants, and as she put away her notebook and pens.
Making some final thoughts she looked out onto the lake, and her thoughts began to drift back to the final points of her life where she had always been dependant on someone else.
---
He'd never told her his name, or why he took her in. A young Yin-Li was trying to get used to the sudden change in profession. Since she was eight she'd been learning how to be a clairvoyant and aiding people who had problems with supernatural beings. Now she had to take a gigantic step back, and learn how to be an assassin with a man she had no idea who he was or why he decided that night the grave keeper took Wesley's body away.
Being fifteen she hadn't understood much about why things happen, but taking what she learned she assumed this must be what people called fate. Her less influenced self told her it was a load of bad luck, but whatever it was she was not out of a home. She had a new one, but now she had to work hard to earn her keep. Not everything came free.
The girl trained hard, the man liked how silent she was, and then it occurred to her how much he was the opposite of Wesley he really was. It made her miss the old man who treated her like family. That is what got her into trouble sometimes. Yin never let go of people she cared about after they'd died. It made her too emotional and useless if she were out to do a job on her own.
And she believed that for years. Yin trained hard, and pleased the assassin more with her progress. Until one day after she'd turned twenty-two he left on a mission. Yin never knew what happened to the man after that. She'd found herself pointlessly training and looking after an empty home for a year then two. Eventually with the obvious fact that he could be dead she'd left her second masters home.
---
Yin opened her eyes looking out at the lake standing up brushing the back of her pants off. She did go back one day, a family with a man she vaguely remembered lived in the house. Yin smiled and combed back her hair. If she was right the man she saw with the family was her second former master. The dark haired woman stretched and picked up her bag. It was amazing how much could change, and really maybe if it was him. He wasn't as happy to just be the lone assassin with only apprentices for friends. Yin turned to return to the port city.
"Home for me has been anywhere I could make it my home. I only return to them because I suppose I don't want to forget. I don't know how to let go of my memories of the people who've been in my life. Nor do I know how let go of a lot of things in general. All I know is that my memories are what keep me sane everyday when I am alone. They remind me where I came from, and that I did not just appear on the planet from nowhere, that there is a job to do and someone has to do it. " - Excerpt from Yin-Li's Journal Entry Number 87.
[Spoils: None, unless experience with communication with ghosts and nostalgia counts then yes.]
Witchblade
04-20-08, 08:48 AM
Story
Continuity: - 3 I’m not entirely sure what the point of this solo quest was. There didn’t really seem to be any kind of character development throughout the solo, it was just a bunch of seemingly random moments and memories strung together to create a storyline that never happened. Try planning out the events of your quests a little more. You don’t need to have every moment and every small thing down to a timeline but having a few areas that the character needs to hit before the end of the quest certainly helps. I think one of the main problems throughout your solo was that things were never fully explained to the reader and there were too many events that just went nowhere. The boy’s ghost in the shop almost seemed pointless, it reminded her of her past, but other than that she did nothing with it. Same with the ghost and the person summoning the ghost in Wesley’s old house. Things were also constantly skipped by with brief explanations like ‘as he explained, as she told him, as she remembered’ and yet you never gave what was explained or said or remembered to the reader. Remember, you may know what’s going on but the reader doesn’t. You have to explain it to them.
Setting: - 2.5 There was a serious lack of setting throughout the quest. Almost nothing was described to the reader and the only way I could actually picture where Yin was throughout the quest is because I knew what a bookstore looked like, what a clothes store looked like and what a lake looked like. Otherwise your character was just floating in abject space. Remember, that setting is not only a canvas on which you paint, but a stage upon which you act. You need to give the reader that stage.
Pacing: - 3 The pacing throughout the story was the same. The writing just didn’t give it the tense feeling that it needed, not to mention it just slowly moved from one thing to another, keeping the same feeling and the same pace. If you change the way you write in certain areas, it’ll give the reader a tense feeling. Also, try not to move through action scenes so quickly.
Character
Dialogue: - 5.5 What dialogue there was throughout the story seemed true to the character to me and also the NPC’s. I wish there had been a little more instead of you skipping over the areas of dialogue because they were well written and enjoyable. As a bit of a suggestion, not something that you have to do, but putting internal thoughts in italics certainly helps keep them straight from regular dialogue.
Action: - 4 The actions were a little strange to me, mostly because some things just weren’t explained. I enjoyed seeing Yin fight with herself as well as the possessed man, but when a group of people just came in a hauled him away I got really confused. Especially since Yin didn’t seem to care or question them or try to do much of anything. She just let them walk away from her without a single word being exchanged. When she first felt the evil in the old store, you mentioned a priest that needed to come to exorcise the spirit and I think it happened, but it was never explained to the reader, all of a sudden it was just gone and then she was going into the house. Plus, wouldn’t the person upstairs notice an exorcism going on below him to a spirit he summoned?
Persona: - 4 Yin had her moments throughout the story where she started breaking through her shell and coming out personality wise, most of these were actually in the flashbacks which were rather well written. It just seemed that she wasn’t coming out very well in the solo, which can happen, especially if this is your first quest with her. Just try actually having her interact more with NPC’s or even other PC’s; that will certainly help bring her personality out more.
Writing Style
Mechanics: - 4.5 You have a lot of run on sentences because you don’t use commas enough sometimes to properly break them up. There were times when you switched over in the middle of a sentence from third person to first person, and from past tense to present tense, which is extremely confusing to the reader. It can happen if you’re used to writing in first person and suddenly trying to write in third, just keep rereading your posts and you’ll notice these mistakes more. Also, try reading your posts out loud and you’ll realize how awkward and jumpy some of your sentences are.
Technique: - 4.5 I really enjoyed the journal entries that you had in the beginning and the end of the quest. They started it and wrapped it up nicely. If you could find a way to write your posts in a similar fashion to how you wrote those, you’ll see a lot of the scoring in the other areas go up as a result.
Clarity: - 5 The writing and the things that happened throughout the story could be confusing at times, mostly because as the reader I just didn’t understand the point of the quest or the things that were happening in it.
Wild Card: - 4 Well, I do believe this was your first attempt at a quest. Don’t be discourage by the low score—if you could have seen some of the scores I got when I first started you’d laugh—just keep trying to develop your character more. Also, planning is a good idea and actually coming up with some kind of character development to happen throughout the quest, or an interesting event usually helps. The part with the summoning in Wesley’s old house could have been much more than it turned out to be.
Total: 40
Reward:
Yin receives 400 experience and 100 GP!
Witchblade
04-20-08, 08:49 AM
EXP and GP added!
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