The Concordia Tourney

[Il Amator]

Closed to Joshua Cronen

“Round Five of the Concordia Tournament will pit Joshua “Breaker” Cronen against Brammas Ghistre in its first match-up!” The announcer’s voice boomed loudly over the crowd’s raucous cheering. The last battle of round nine had just ended and tournament workers carried a broken and bloody elf off the field and toward the medical tent. The crowd loved it.

As more workers swarmed in to set the arena for my upcoming fight, I thought about all I knew of my next opponent. Joshua Cronen; six feet tall, two fifty pounds, solid muscle. He had annihilated everyone he faced thus far in the tournament. The worker who attended me handed me my blades and I gave him a confident smirk when he asked if I was ready. However, the smile belied my true feelings. Just how competent were these healers? Would facing the Breaker in combat put my life in danger?

I had traveled down to the Concordia Forest from Radasanth to participate in the tournament. In a large clearing, the workers had erected a makeshift arena out of logs, mortar, and stone. The stadium seated nearly one thousand people and hosted sixty four combatants in a single elimination tournament. Each round had different battle conditions, from what types of weapons were used to how each combatant could win. I had survived my last four encounters, and found myself in the semifinal round of the championship. Two more battles would see me crowned the victor.

The horn sounded for the five minute warning, my battle was only moments away. I moved closer to the gate; hoping to catch a glimpse of the stadium’s new layout. From what I could tell, our battle condition would be surviving in an arena filled with death traps. The gates rose on both sides, allowing me to walk in and meet my adversary as he entered. From the edge of the battlefield, I scanned the new additions as the announcer told the crowd what to expect.

“The first battle of Round Ten will be a survival contest in which the participants will battle each other in an arena of death!” The crowd cheered as he continued. “Scattered across the uneven terrain are spike-filled pits,” the cheering got louder, “floor panels that trigger hidden blades,” it increased in volume, “and spells that can immobilize, blind, or poison a contestant,” here the audience’s roar reached a deafening level and the announcer had to stop. When they had finally quieted down, he continued, “The win conditions are simple; the first combatant to yield, pass out, or die loses. The remaining fighter will proceed to round six!”

As the crowd began chanting Breaker’s name, for he was a favorite to win it all, my attendant told me I was allowed to enter the arena. Drawing my rapier and main gauche, I advanced cautiously but confidently into the ring of death.

[Breaker]

"The stupid things I've done to get laid..."

Breaker sat cross legged on the ground, head down, breathing slowly. Sweat dripped from his drenched hair like the runoff of melting icicles. His black clothes made blacker in patches by the blood of opponents, it was clear the soldier had been through a war. As the announcer's voice rose above the roar of the crowd, Josh remembered the chain of events that ended with him enrolled in Concordia's Tournament.

Several nights earlier found him in an anonymous bar, drunk and looking for action. Apparently a prominent favourite had been forced to drop out of the tournament at the last minute after being arrested. Frantically looking for a replacement, the organizers had sent their best talent scout to recruit the famous Pagoda Warrior named Joshua Cronen. An attractive brunette with captivating green eyes, the scout had worked her natural charms all night. The next afternoon Breaker woke up in an empty bed with a splitting headache and a contractual obligation to compete in the Concordia Tournament.

Not that he hadn't enjoyed the battles. The soldier rarely turned down a chance to test his mettle. As the gates opened he rose from the seated position and stalked into the arena, mind sinking into the void of pranic meditation. From the sound of things, he would need all his skills and heightened senses to survive both his opponent and the deadly arena.

The 'arena of death' suited its name. Dehydrated brown grass covered the uneven landscape, making it look like the hide of some muscular furry creature. A creature with razor sharp teeth and claws that appeared in the form of pitfalls and spring blades. Not an ideal place to fight at all. With that in mind, Breaker resolved to finish this battle as quickly as possible.

He sized up his opponent. Obviously a skilled fighter to have made it through so many rounds, the man carried a rapier and fencing dagger. No easy way to approach that long, lithe blade. "So make him come to you." A sly plan formed in Breaker's mind and he implicated it immediately; no sense wasting time messing around.

Just five feet in front of his opponent he spotted the outline of a covered pit. Well concealed, but it didn't escape his superhuman senses. Like a juggernaut he broke into a headlong dash, eyes locked on the enemy.

Josh had almost reached his opponent when, seemingly by accident, one foot broke through the pitfall's covering. With a cry of mock surprise he overbalanced and fell away from the pit, landing flat on his back. The warrior tried to look helpless while really preparing himself to counterattack. How could the rapier fighter resist the temptation of a downed opponent?

[Il Amator]

Though it was frustrating to be the underdog, I didn’t let the crowd’s jeers get to me. As I waited for my enemy to enter the arena, I blocked out everything beyond the twelve foot wall surrounding the battlefield. The wicker gate opposite me opened, signaling the beginning of the match.

Breaker charged into the arena, a juggernaut intent on his prey. His eyes darted to take in his surroundings before narrowing in my direction. As he neared, I fell back a step into a defensive stance.

Suddenly his foot broke through the cover of a concealed pit and his forward momentum worked against him. Tumbling to the side, the brute fell hard.

As he landed on his back, dust billowed up around him. The dry grass covered sections of the arena that were the natural ground. I wondered briefly whether the dirt provided more of a cushion than the wooden floors the workers had placed down in some sections, but the thought was passing. It struck me as odd that the oaf hadn’t watched where he was going, but I was an opportunist.

Striding toward the prone man, I planted my left foot before attacking. The steel dagger hung low, ready for a counter, while the thin blade thrust determinedly forward, seeking the man’s blood. It was a bad habit of mine to play with my food; battle was no different. The thrust was aimed for the man’s side, hoping to puncture flesh and strike a kidney. While not life-threatening, the wound would be far from pleasant.

[Breaker]

The crowd gasped in one voice as the swordsman lunged at his fallen opponent. Breaker felt an extra adrenaline rush at the idea of hundreds of people hanging on his every move. The warrior let his enemy get as close as he dared, intent on giving the crowd a show. He had never thought of himself as a performer, but the massive response to each near miss and successful strike had grown on him.

As the lighter fighter lunged Josh rolled, avoiding the fine tipped blade by mere inches. Once more on his back but now off to the swordsman's side, he bunched the powerful muscles in his right leg and lashed out. Aimed a horizontal stomp kick at the side of Brammas' knee. Breaker's wild strength and unforgiving metal boots created a combination capable of crushing bone.

At the same time as his right leg kicked his left pushed off the ground, rolling him backwards over his left shoulder and onto his feet. The coarse ground crackled beneath his weight like broken glass, reminding him of the dangers that lay hidden all around. The crowd cheered their favourite's stand up as he sank into a defensive ready stance. Even if he had crippled his opponent, the swordsman would still make a dangerous foe. Breaker had no intention of letting that slim blade slide between his ribs.

[Il Amator]

A heavy boot lashed out as my opponent somersaulted to his feet. I tried turning away, but couldn’t move fast enough. The metal connected with my knee, sending jolts of pain through my thigh. Luckily, I had moved just enough that the blow avoided dislocating anything. Still, the hit throbbed and would limit my mobility some.

Josh Cronen was craftier than I had anticipated and I knew that I would have to change my battle strategy accordingly. Reversing my grip on the dagger in my left hand, I laid the blunt edge along the bone of my forearm. Raising my hand until it was at shoulder level, I slowly edged forward. In my peripheral vision, I looked for traps hidden nearby. One moment of foolishness could cost me this battle.

Breaker was settled in a defensive position, waiting for me to attack. I couldn’t fall for the same trick twice, so I summoned my glamour magic instead. Focusing on a mound slightly behind my opponent, I deftly cloaked it in illusion with a flicker of a finger. Now all I had to do was force him to run across what appeared to be level ground and wait for him to stumble. Smiling at my adversary, I began circling to his side, making my way toward the hidden mound. Joshua was no fool though; he kept facing me, unwilling to give me even the slightest advantage.

I stepped into position; my enemy stood ready before me, the cloaked mound now just to his left. Feigning a thrust toward his knee, I closed in and brought the razor-sharp tip of my rapier up high above my shoulder before sending it slashing down toward his right shoulder. Hopefully he would see the fake attack and dodge to his left, directly into what he thought was level ground.

My muscles tensed in anticipation of his actions; every second ticking by in an eternity. The sunlight glanced off my blades and sweat beaded my brow; my chest heaved with each breath. Time slowed to a crawl as the thin blade danced through the dust, aimed for my opponent’s shoulder. It was all hanging on the deception.

[Breaker]

With each passing second Breaker's confidence grew. He felt like the eye of the storm, surrounded by the chaos and danger of the crowd and arena. His superhuman senses served him well, testing each footstep for the lethal traps that lay in wait. He could smell perspiration on his opponent; hear the man's laboured breathing and heavy heartbeat. His finely tuned ears reached beyond the walls of the battleground, picking out individual cries from the raucous crowd.

"Crush him, Breaker!"
"Show 'im the quick thrust, Brammas!"
"Kill that bastard!"

It was hard to not become distracted by the bloodthirsty bunch. To stay focused Josh tried to imagine himself back at the Dajas Pagoda. No one to impress, nothing to pay attention to but the other competitor. "Watch out for traps, find an opening, and go for the kill." He told himself. It was just a matter of time until the right opportunity came.

The swordsman made as if to stab at Breaker's leg, and the bigger man raised the limb, not wanting to be lamed. But before he had fully extended Brammas pulled back and changed to a shoulder-height slash. Smooth as the motion was, to Josh it seemed slow and ungainly. His intense state of focus had doubled his reflexes, and as the smaller man swung his sword Josh used his superior speed to try to get inside the lithe blade's range.

He stepped forwards, tucked his head and dropped almost to one knee. Heard the rapier slice the air like an angry hornet. Still wary of his opponent's dagger, Josh stood up swiftly. The powerful muscles in his legs and back aided in propelling a thunderous uppercut. Rock hard knuckles aimed for his opponent's chin, Josh gritted his teeth in anticipation of the impact. In a bizarre moment of sympathy he hoped Brammas was doing the same.

"Otherwise he'll be collecting his molars from every corner of this wasteland."

[Il Amator]

Breaker stepped into my rapier’s range instead of sidestepping and stumbling over the hidden mound of dirt. I knew that for my ploy to work, I’d have to force him backward again. My planning was interrupted though as he dropped to a knee. The sudden move caught me by surprise and I pulled my dagger arm in to protect myself. As he stood, I saw his massive fist heading straight for my chin. Pulling back and turning my head, I prayed to V’dralla that the rock-hard blow would glance off me or miss altogether.

By some act of the gods, the fist glanced off my cheek. The impact sent me stumbling back several steps before I regained my footing. A soft click caught my attention and I saw the flash of a blade hurling through the air. I must have stepped on a panel that triggered a hidden trap. Ducking below the axe as it swung by, I rose with blades at the ready.

The crowd’s cheering rose and fell on my ears like the rolling of the waves. I couldn’t pick out anything they said, but they were getting restless. They wanted blood. As the axe behind me reset, I lunged forward toward Josh Cronen. Their bloodlust had to be satisfied. My left hand flew toward his bicep, the reversed dagger hoping to slash a vein, artery, or tendon as it passed by. In a strange decision, I held the thin blade in my right hand defensively.

Without the rapier’s range, my attack would bring me in close. I hoped that the odd decision would through my adversary off so I could get in a hit as he recovered. Though it seemed the huge man could anticipate my every move…

[Breaker]

Breaker settled back into a defensive rhythm, feet moving, always circling. He refused to provide a stationary target for his opponent's long blade. Although the crowd roared in appreciation of the back-and-forth battle, frustration flitted through Josh's mind. With his power, normally even a glancing blow was enough to put an enemy on their back. But Brammas had shaken off the soldier's first few attacks, still looking for a fatal thrust.

"Time to change my game plan a little. See how he likes having sharp things poked at him."

As Josh drew his prevaldia bayonet from its sheath on the back of his belt, Brammas made a fatal mistake. He sacrificed the advantage his rapier's length gave him, stepping into killing range. Breaker didn't even bother defending against the other man's dagger thrust. He could take the damage, and doing so would give him a chance to land a lethal attack.

"I'll let him taste a little blood to build up his confidence so he won't see my counter coming."

The main gauche tore through the skin of Breaker's bicep but slid on the steely muscle beneath. The warrior ignored the pain, but heard the crowd react in full voice as the first drops of crimson hit the dirt of the battleground. Superficial as the wound was, it turned the spectators' blood lust into a full blown frenzy. Josh hoped that Brammas reacted the same way as he launched an attack of his own.

Bayonet clenched in his uninjured left hand, the warrior stabbed at his opponent's ribcage. The crowd gasped, surprised at Breaker's recovery rate. Pain was nothing new to the warrior; the scratch on his arm looked like a paper cut compared to the wounds he had taken at the Dajas Pagoda.

Josh wanted to stay close, so he followed the momentum of his stab, stepping in and aiming a headbutt at Brammas' unprotected nose. With all the dense muscles in his torso and neck powering his rock-hard head forwards, the blow would be akin to that of a sledgehammer.

[Il Amator]

My dagger sliced through my enemy’s skin, but didn’t go any deeper. The man was made of rock! Even though the blade hadn’t done too much damage, the crowd went wild. They began chanting in one voice, “Ghistre! Ghistre!” Some stood in their seats, motioning at the battle below. Instead of satiating their blood craze, my attack had only driven them further. I tried to block out their enthusiasm, but it was infectious; I couldn’t help but smile.

A flash of metal warned me of the coming attack, but we were so close that there wasn’t much time to react. The small weapon stabbed toward my ribcage at a surprising speed. The crowd gasped, anxious to see if my attack would be answered so quickly. Josh’s massive arms powered the attack forward, closing the distance faster than I had hoped.

The blade, crafted from what looked like prevaldia, punched through the thick leather of my chestplate and slid easily through the flesh underneath. Its forward momentum only stopped when the thin dagger hit one of my ribs. Sacrificing the range of my rapier had been a big mistake. Rather than catching the brute off-guard, it had given him the perfect opportunity to strike. Teeth gritted against the pain, I stepped back to get away from Breaker and reformulate my strategy.

Unfortunately, his steps were bigger than mine and he followed the momentum of his stab. Head lowered, he aimed a headbutt designed to break my nose and render me unconscious. My rapier was pinned between us so only the main gauche in my left hand was free to attack. Bracing myself for the monstrous impact that was sure to come, I raised my arm up high behind his back and brought it down as hard as I could, aimed for just below his shoulder blade. With any luck, the dagger would find its mark before Josh Cronen plowed me over.

[Breaker]

Time to finish this fight..."

Breaker surged forwards, riding the roar of the crowd like a surfer on a vast tidal wave. The fans had reached a fever pitch. Scuffles broke out throughout the stands as outspoken supporters of both combatants came to blows. It seemed that with every breath Josh took the energy of the crowd gave him more power. When his bayonet drew blood the warrior bore down. Like a shark in tainted water, he would not rest until he had the kill.

Never ceasing his forward momentum, Josh left his prevaldia dagger embedded in Brammas' gut and threw his arms out, trying to get a body lock around the smaller man. As he drove his body weight towards his opponent one leg hooked behind the enemy's ankle, attempting a trip that would bring them both crashing to the ground with Josh on top.

As he executed the technique Breaker felt his opponent's dagger pierce his shoulder. Locked in deep meditation, the pain seemed distant despite the blade biting deep.

"God damn lucky stab."

Lucky as it might have been, the damage the main gauche inflicted was no less real. Brammas' dagger had found a niche in Josh's shoulder where no muscle protected him. As fresh blood soaked the back of his shirt, the warrior realized he could barely move his right arm. This epiphany only made him more determined to take his opponent to the ground. Once there, he would be able to finish it quickly, even if he had to fight one handed.

[Il Amator]

I felt my dagger sink into Breaker’s shoulder up to the hilt. A wound like that had to inflict some damage. As Josh’s grip around me tightened, I felt more pressure on my right than on my left. My dagger must’ve done something to affect his muscles… His leg hooked around my ankle and his massive weight forced me to the ground. With one arm pinned between us and the other wrapped around his back, there was little I could do to break my fall.

The crowd cheered as we fell, they apparently were just as happy with a wrestling match as a true battle. Already our fight had gone on longer than any of the others and the crowd was getting jumpy. Their already intense emotions began spiking even higher as they saw an end in sight. The crowd cheered for Breaker, his recent actions having won him the favorite spot. I braced myself for the coming impact.

My back slammed into the unforgiving dirt that served as the floor of the arena and the breath was pushed out of my lungs. As Breaker’s body landed on top of mine, I used what little energy I had left to try and push him off me. His left arm clung to me tenaciously, but I hoped I could wriggle out of his grasp. My nose was bleeding and my ribs hurt, but I could go for a few more minutes before they took their toll.

I just prayed that whatever he had in store for me would be something I could evade. Distance had been my ally since the beginning and I needed to work that angle again. But crushed under his incredible bulk, I would have no chance to use my rapier to its full advantage. I focused on breathing and staying alive; what else could I do?

[Breaker]

With his right arm curled pathetically against his side, the rest of Breaker's body worked like a machine to drive his opponent to the ground. The warrior felt the foot sweep catch and knew he had Brammas off balance. Muscle and sinew bulged against his skin as he slammed the smaller man to the harsh ground, his own considerable body weight following on top.

Once on the ground, Josh's instincts took over. He didn't need to think or consider possibilities; his body knew what to do, with years of training manifested into muscle memory. The dagger in his back seemed as distant as the roar of the crowd. Noticeable, but not really worth thinking about. Dark blood soaked his shirt and ran down his useless arm as he scrambled for a dominant position. His body turned like the arms of a clock, rotating to clear Brammas' legs. The swordsman's feeble attempt at pushing the martial artist away did not halt Josh's furious pace. As he scrambled the soldier used his hip to try to strike the hilt of the bayonet embedded in Brammas' gut. A small punishment for a small escape attempt.

While hoping to hold his opponent down with his knees and hips, Josh postured up and slammed his good arm down. Again and again he crashed his left elbow at Brammas' skull, the strikes falling like a deadly rain. Breaker knew he could not afford to allow the swordsman to get back to his feet. He did not intend to stop until fragments of his opponent's skull decorated the arena of death.

[Il Amator]

His hip pushed the prevaldia tip of the blade deeper into my ribcage. The pressure forced it to slide off the bone and sink in even farther. I felt the blood coursing from the wound, but I was helpless to stop it. He worked his body across mine, keeping me pinned in the dirt. Blows rained down and I managed to dodge the first two before they began connecting. As his massive arm pummeled my face, I knew I had little time left. Each blow sent flashes on pain across my body; in its already suffering condition I knew it couldn’t take much more.

Focusing all my energy on my left hand, I yanked my main gauche from its place in his back. Pulling that arm around to the front, I hoped to hide the dagger from Breaker’s notice. As his elbow relentlessly pounded my face and neck, I summoned the last of my strength and thrust for his chest.

The steel tip punctured the skin, but then did not move more than an eighth of an inch before stopping. His rock-hard muscles; I had forgotten. The blade had no chance of slicing through such armor and I let it drop to the dirt uselessly. My consciousness began fading as Josh rained hit after hit upon me.

My last ditch effort had been for naught and not even my glamour magic could help me now. As darkness took its hold on me, I let the roar of the crowd wash over me. I hoped I had given them a good battle.

Spoils: Give what you like.
After being healed, the tournament gave Brammas a bag containing three silver coins. These coins each have “Concordia Tourney” engraved on one side and an engraving of the forest on the other side. Valued at 2 GP each, these coins are more for sentimental value than for profit. He also receives valuable battle experience and a small purse of gold for making it to round five before being defeated.

[Breaker]

Breaker rose from the blood soaked ground, victorious. He paused only to retrieve his bayonet, sheathed the blade and then raised his one good arm high in exhilaration. The audience responded in full, applause mingling with the rabid screaming and pounding of feet and hands on the stands. Healers rushed into the arena headed for Brammas' unconscious body as Josh made his way to the door. The swordsman had fought well, but in the end he had merely been another obstacle for the warrior to steamroll his way through.

Still carefully watching where he stepped, Breaker crossed the deadly field to the gates he had come through. He turned and waved to the crowd once more. The adrenaline slowed in his veins and he felt his lungs burning from the effort as well as the dull throb in his shoulder. The healers would take care of it before his next match. On the brink of leaving, his keen eyes caught a familiar face at the front of the crowd. Josh's hazel eyes locked with the green ones of the pretty woman who had roped him into the tournament in the first place. Smiling to mask his pain, the warrior picked up his limp arm with his left hand and waved it like a puppeteer at the Tournament's best talent scout. She laughed as the crowd roared its approval to the gruesome display.

"A bloodthirsty woman," Josh thought as he turned and exited the arena. As the gates closed the roar of the crowd grew faint, like a storm blown away by winds of change. "Still, she sure knows how to have fun."

As a healer in formal robes sewed the hole in his shoulder shut, Josh could not get the green eyes out of his mind. The same temptation that had led him to enter the Concordia Tourney would keep him in it all the way through.

"Maybe if I win the tournament she'll pay me another little visit..."

[Witchblade]

Story

Continuity: - 4, 6 As the reader, I never understood why Brammas was at this Concordia Tournament, other than a quick guess that he either wanted the prize money or wanted to test out his skills and thought it would be a good idea. There wasn’t any kind of back story to it, unlike Breaker who threw one in there. Albeit, it was a bit of a strange one and even though I know Breaker has a healthy sexual appetite, I found it a little odd for him to fall for something like that. Even then, the thread didn’t seem to have much meaning to it for either character and perhaps the battle would have been better served in The Citadel, or even the Pagoda since Breaker is one of the Hierarchs there.

Setting: - 4, 5 Neither of you are getting a very high setting scores because I don’t feel you used the setting to your advantage at all. There were traps and strange devices hidden all over that arena and yet they were only ever used once by each of you. It would have been more interesting to see the characters fighting not only each other, but also the hidden traps in the arena too, thus making the battle much more dynamic instead of the classic, punch, block, counter routine you two had going on. (More about that in action.) Also, Amator, don’t forget to truly describe your setting so that the reader can actually see where the character is and what is going on around them. Adding in the reaction of the crowd was a nice effect, but don’t forget about where your character is walking.

Pacing: - 3, 3 The pacing for the battle wasn’t very bad, but I never did feel very much tension in it. It was just a bit of a back and forth between the characters, as they danced around each other trying to land that killing blow and lacking anything truly interesting. Even the end was rather anticlimactic.

Character

Dialogue: - 4, 4 There wasn’t very much external dialogue from the characters, though there was some internal, especially from Breaker. None of it really stood out as anything great to me, nor was it extremely bad though. It was just dialogue that was floating around in each character’s head.

Action: - 3, 5 The majority of the action in the thread followed this simple guideline: attack, defend, counter. That’s all it was, pretty much over and over again from the both of you. You need to throw in the occasional something that’s a variant of that little equation of battling, otherwise it gets very boring, very fast and the reader is just waiting for someone to screw up and die. The glamour magic was another thing. It could have been used so much more effectively in this arena than it was. It was a death arena after all, hide some kind of trap and then have Breaker step on it, or perhaps even use it to confuse Breaker in some way. The man is a tank, your character needed to use his head more than his body and sadly he didn’t. Amator, you also need to keep in mind the stats of the character you’re fighting against. Breaker is level 5 (right now, maybe he was lower when the thread started) and Brammas is only level 1. A glancing blow with Breaker’s strength should have been enough to send your character at least reeling back and in quite a bit of pain, whereas he just kind of shrugged it off.

Persona: - 5, 6 Breaker sometimes borders along an extremely arrogant and better than everyone personality, which I’m not a big fan of. I like his cockiness and his confidence, but sometimes you push it a little too far, Alex, and he slips into this arrogant asshole kind of persona. Unless that’s really part of his personality, which from what I’ve read of him it isn’t, you need to be careful about those cocky lines you write. Other than that, both of the characters came across rather well to me, though sometimes Brammas fell a little flat. He just had these emotionless moments that should have been rather intense and interesting considering the fight he was in the middle of.

Writing Style

Mechanics: - 4, 6 Amator, you really need to reread your posts in order to find your grammatical and spelling mistakes. I find that when I’m about to make my next post, I reread the one before that and then I’ll notice mistakes I hadn’t noticed at the time. It’ll also stop you from writing something like ‘two fifty’ instead of ‘two hundred and fifty’. Alex, you also had the occasional mistake in your writing, though nothing compared to the level that Amator had. You do however have a bad habit of cutting up your sentences with commas and making them choppy. Though this certainly can help heighten tension in moments where it needs it, when you overuse it, it loses that affect.

Technique: - 4, 7 Amator, I can see you trying to use some literary devices throughout your writing, even if you aren’t completely aware of the fact you’re doing it. Keep it up and keep writing with people like Alex and you’ll get better by reading and interacting with them. Also, first person is a very intense, directly through the eyes of the reader kind of writing. I should have felt a lot more inside of Brammas than I did, make sure to always keep in mind the five senses and only describe things that the character himself can see. Alex, you definitely have a thing for similes though that’s not exactly a bad thing when it comes to your writing style. Just as a note though, you tend to constantly remind the reader about Josh’s hard, steely, and packed muscles and by the third post, the reader gets it. He’s built like a tank. Try to find another way to describe them, or just not use it so much.

Clarity: - 5, 7 Amator, in your first post you literally jumped around between round five, round nine, round ten and finally round six all in that exact order. It was confusing to say the least and downright annoying trying to sort it all out and after rereading it I still don’t understand what round Brammas and Breaker were fighting in. You need to keep stuff like that clear so that the reader doesn’t get confused, especially in a first post. If that had been a story I’d picked up off a shelf or was reading on the net, I would have stopped reading right there.

Wild Card: - 3, 3 This was definitely nothing special in my mind.

Total: 39, 52

The winner is 016573!

Rewards:

016573 receives 1600 experience and 300 GP!
Il Amator receives 350 experience and 300 GP!

Il Amator also receives the requested spoils.

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!