Money For Nothing

[Cyrus the virus]

((Closed. This is continued from a short meeting quest (http://www.althanas.com/world/showthread.php?t=13712), so there will probably be little backstory explanation.))

The first time someone experienced Windwalk, it was an experience hard to describe. Something like being whisked into a tunnel by a powerful gust, sucked backward by a force completely beyond your ability to overcome. As suddenly as that sensation occurred, you were thrust forward into a lightheaded existence. You were wind, and could perceive the world as you usually would visually.

But it left you without a physical body. What you saw was your mind's perception of what it remembered the world looking like. As Luc and Kially swerved under the door of the tavern they'd just left, it was as if they were being pulled by some mysterious force. In reality, Luc was using his hold over wind to guide them even though he lacked his physical body. If he wasn't focusing so hard on doing it, Kially might have been able to do so as well.

They slowed as they approached the Bazaar, and for Kially's benefit, he took them to a nearby alley where noone saw them become whole again. Snapping back into the world was like being awakened from sleep by a pail of cold water, but it was something Luc was so used to, he hardly reacted.

Giving the lad a moment to recover (as Luc anxiously awaited his reaction), Luc peered out into the busy Bazaar road. "The world of magic is larger than any one person can possibly know. Tricks like the one I just showed you are available for anyone willing to learn them, and take the time to study. A pretty useful result of some hard work, don't you think?"

He didn't expect a response, so he turned back to the boy without giving him much of a chance to answer. "Walk with me through the Bazaar, and let's find you something shiny to hold onto. I still owe you for bringing my item back to me. Just stay close and don't get lost."

[Kially Gaith]

The world below his feet was one of emerald grass and crystal waters, be it a perfect world in a den of thieves. The feeling in his incorporeal stomach for those few brief seconds of materialisation had the boy want to vomit, much like that of suddenly being flung down the drop of a roller coaster without any warning, once In flight however, Kially took to the air like that of a bird. This reminded him very much of his birth, forged in the clouds, and for the short time that they travelled, Kially was given the beauty of reminiscence.

As the world began to come more and more into realistic focus, dank plants choking for life as the town leeched off of them, a frown flustered over the child’s none existent face. Pathetic beings had no respect for their natural resources. In that instance, he swore he’d change that…One day…

As he landed, his stomach and whole body lurched back into existence and stumbled for a brief second before grabbing his footing with surprising ability. Taking into consideration what just happened, he stared blankly for a moment, then burst into loud childish giggles, whether from shock or sheer bemusement would be hard to tell, but all the same, the sweet laughter was there for Luc to hear.

Kially had just about stopped giggling when Luc had finished his small explanation that Kially offered an amused and bewildered smile to. “Fun!!!”
Kiallys’ stomach still swilled from side to side inside as his food from before protested somewhat the strange feelings betrothed upon it, but with a few minutes of certainty that solid land would support it should it hit the floor, it soothed to normal with a contented quake as it absorbed the sugar from the pie.

It was then, that he was suddenly led. This was an odd feeling indeed, his face paling off as all of a sudden, it dawned on him, this man was having him do the same as children he’d seen before. Was this how beings like himself got parents? By them doing some special trick? It hadn’t occurred to Kially quite what implied a parent or what traits a parent even had, just being obedient, his eyes flickering from window to window in childish amazement as he gave view to things he’d one day covet.

[Cyrus the virus]

Luc's amused grin was hidden from the boy, for by then, he had turned the alley's corner and was waiting for Kially's approach. It was a strange experience to have a youth with him, and certainly something that he was not accustomed to. Luc would have assumed a child would annoy him, but the boy was quiet. Even when he was not, Kially's questions and responses were more endearing than bothersome.

Radasanth's shopping district was, as it always would be, a busy mix of human, elf, dwarf, and all manner of other races one could imagine. Humans dominated the others in number, but the influence of the law here would keep even the most ambitious drow from attacking any Raiaeran elf.

But as strong as the law was, Luc knew they would make no move for him.

Even now, as Kially and the mage joined the busy road, several nearby people made note of Luc's appearance and shuffled away nervously. He hadn't been so notorious until this recent year, when unavoidable whims had driven him to rape, murder and theft. The only reason he hadn't been stopped was because he couldn't be. The man could do things nobody expected, so they left him be - he'd been fairly docile in recent months, anyhow.

So unlike the others around them, Kially and Luc had a fair amount of space around them to move in. If they could be seen from above, their small circle of room would seem an oddity.

As they moved, Luc spotted a gem vendor nearby. Putting his gloved hand on Kially's head, he led the boy over and pointed to the many things on display. "Shiny things, right? What interests you most?"

The mage wasn't watching, but the vendor - a dwarven miner with a long grey beard and beady brown eyes - suddenly stepped back and his breathing became slightly more rapid. It seemed that most of the district's vendors had at least heard of the murderous magic-user.

[Kially Gaith]

Kially couldn’t help but notice the extra space he and his new friend had either, but it never occurred to him to ask just why this was, childish naivety and purity denying him the real need to question.

Making his way across the cobbled stone floor beneath him, he realised how boring the floor really was in consideration of flight. There truly was a large difference between being airborne through magical method and grounded by natures way of saying “Stay the fuck down, idiots.”. Should living beings other than that which nature decided really have the ability to caress the air like that of the winged varieties? This would become a thought of much ponder and much confusion for a child that considered little for long periods.

This pondering remained for the small journey that was the street until that of the shinies came before him, a whole host of beautiful gemstones taking his breath away with the very least of effort.

“Prettyyyyyyyyyyyy!” He called out, rushing over to the stall where the vendor promptly stumbled back in both fear and surprise. Could this boy be some sort of horrid spawn of that which was so feared that not even the law could control him? The vendor put much thought in just what to do, offer up a trinket gem of little value for that of peace or milk the boy for every penny he was worth? Being the greedy breed he was, he’d took immediate note of the large quartz crystal Kially had picked up in one hand and the sizeable ruby he’d picked up in his other. He went to speak a price before the child set them both down and picked up a small flat square shaped case which contained many perfectly cut stones of several varieties, spanning the whole alphabet, from amethyst to zirconium. Kially already knew what he wanted, he closed the thin display box, the gemstones all held snugly in white velvet, and held it up towards Luc. “This one! I like this one!” None of the stones held the size or value of some of those that littered the table of the ugly dwarf, but the combined value was definitely something to be reckoned with.

The dwarf was not pleased, beginning to sweat with both anger and self control, most normal children would have been shouted at by now, but he daren’t, not with the mage quietly in tow behind, for now, allowing the child the pleasure that was truly a beautiful collection. He could only hope now that his palm would be laced with payment and not blood, or worse, nothing at all. A dwarf loved nothing more than gems, but held in high regard was that of living a battle and telling the story…Even if that battle involved running for your life after confronting the illustrious and powerful…He could always tell of the story of how he thwarted that of the mage that took what he pleased and left nothing to tell the tale, an exception to the rule.

[Cyrus the virus]

"Take whatever you want." Luc cheered on, a very faint smile on his lips. He stood with arms crossed, just a few feet away from Kially and the vendor, his eyes locked on the dwarf, who seemed to be containing an explosion within his bulbous little head.

The mage was aware of the small gathering around them. Those who watched on did their best to seem preoccupied with the nearby kiosks, or pretended to be speaking with someone. Their eyes were elsewhere, though, watching in interest - some in fear. The ground behind Luc bubbled and melted, the element acting independently to protect the mage from a surprise attack.

Suddenly overcome with guilt, or at least the need to not rob the vendor blind, Luc let his hands drop to his pouch. He heard a gasp from nearby, as it seemed an anxious onlooker was expecting more than for Luc to rummage through his gold. Revealing a single gold piece, Luc looked at it with mock consideration, before flipping it over to the dwarf. He didn't catch it, just watched it bounce off the counter and to the ground beyond.

"That should cover whatever my little friend would like."

Of course, it couldn't. It was painfully below what was acceptable, perhaps enough so that the dwarf would take a massive loss on his profits. They were details Luc didn't care about, but the opportunity begged him to gloat. His arrogance had been prodded, after all.

"Yes?" he asked with a grin, a knowing one. The dwarf's face was red with blood, but he nodded in agreement. A livelihood meant nothing without life, after all. "Good! Then we'll be on our way as soon as he makes his final selection."

When it appeared that Kially was done, Luc smiled. "See? That was fun, wasn't it? Some new shiny stuff for you, and we still have the entire afternoon ahead of us."

A knowing look on his face, Luc looked at the vendor once more and turned to walk away, the ground returning to solid as his boot came in contact with it. He led the way through the crowd, walking toward the south end of town. He didn't think once, let alone twice, about how this day would effect the dwarf.

"So Kially, let me ask you something. What other magic are you capable of?"

[Kially Gaith]

Taking the display case and skipping naively towards he Luc, he smiled brightly, handing the case over for him to hold, having no idea he'd effectively just stolen the dwarves livelihood, when the older male took the case from him, Kially gave thought to the question at hand.

“Magic? Oh…Yes!” Settling his now free hands to each shoulder, crossing over each other, he knelt down, grinning. Those that continued to watch (and there were many), watched on in both fear and confusion, was he going to destroy the street? Set ablaze to a set of stalls for fun?
The answer was soon given, as both hands slammed into the solid stone floor and a coned flurry of dust rushed up into the air around the child, as an unknown language called out from the boy.

“HAFVPUGONE!”

When the dust began to finally fall and settle amongst coughs and sputters from those that had been caught in the sudden dust storm, the child was not there, not a speck, completely invisible to all those who peered at the now clear floor where he’d knelt. Gasps of amazement came from the crowd, one or two women fainted with fright and what few children stood in the audience gave naïve gasps of delight and surprise at the ‘amazing’ trick.

Luc would soon feel a gentle and soft tugging at the left of his belt, allowing him to understand and fully grasp what the child had done, of course though, Kially kept perfectly silent (although having not initiated such enchantment) by standing statue still and not initiating any speech.

Translation - "Sneak!"

[Cyrus the virus]

As he watched Kially in interest, a new kind of anxiousness coming from the boy regarding magic, Luc had the display case hover next to him on a disc of wind he created.

Feeling the oncoming magic, Luc's eyes shone as the burst of wind sent dust flying. He was behind the gust, but specks of dirt came his way anyway - specks that were blown aside by a passive wind that spawned from around him. Kially had disappeared, miraculously, using an ability that Luc would have never guessed he'd had. He had detected magic on the boy, and perhaps magical items, but never suspected he could turn invisible.

The crowd responded, some in fear and some in encouragement. In the midst of the responses, Luc felt a tug on his side and knew where Kially was. A laugh bursting from his belly, the mage showed his approval.

"Very good! Very, very good. You surprise me more and more, lad. Let's go take a look at these gems you got, and leave the citizens of our fine city to themselves."

Leading the way and assuming Kially followed, Luc (with a display case of gems bobbing in the air next to him) took a short walk beyond the edge of the city and into the wilderness. A favorite spot of his for reading, the mage separated a small brush and stepped into a clearing. Wide and long, with short grass that covered the entirety of the sunny area, the refuge was untouched by civilization.

Setting the display case down against the ground, Luc swerved around it to take a cross-legged seat among the grass. Removing his gloves, he carefully opened it and examined the gems inside.

"You can disable that spell, now. Wherever did you learn such a trick, anyway?" he said, assuming Kially was with him.

[Kially Gaith]

Kially had given to following, enjoying the praise given as the crowd sighed in utmost relief, one or two realising what just happened, the rest thinking over what happened, magic and how they’d lived their lives in general.

When Kially reached the outskirts of town, it was much to his pleasure that the air did not hold the stench of living parasites and instead, the clean cutting smell of freshly grown flowers and long grass, this was where he felt much more at comfort. With the given spot of Lucs’ choosing, Kially sat himself down, speaking in a soft whisper.

“fcreera Fvr”

In a sudden burst of energy, the child materialised back into vision, giggling all the while. It hadn’t occurred in all his excitement though to return to his secondary tongue.

“Gng vpu thgrf?”

His eyes focussed on Lucs as the more knowledgeable one took to opening the case of jewels and gems. Words formed in Kiallys’ mind that he did not understand, words like ‘emerald’, ‘diamond’ and ‘opal’. He did not understand why these words formed in his head though understood immediately that these stones were of nature and not human creation.

Picking out a thumb sized pearl, he held it up into Lucs vision. “Jnf vfg qvrfrf?”
The pearl was surprisingly spherical and perfectly shaped. He didn’t actually await an answer, laying down, bathing in the shadows of the trees as he took to examining the white ball himself, rotating it as to catch the light and make it shimmer, which pleased him to no end.

The question of his magic was brushed away with his eagerness to examine these fine ‘shinies’.

Translations, in order – “Disable.” “Did I do good?” “What’s this one?”

[Cyrus the virus]

The whisper was a strange one, but it brought Kially back into vision. Luc watched him carefully as he spoke a new language, then whispered his own words to quickly cast an enchantment upon himself. The next question, Luc understood perfectly well.

"Jrypur Fcenpur vfg qvrfr?" he asked, amused at the way it came out. "Vfg qvrfr Vuer Zhggrefcenpur? Rf vfg frue vagrerffnag."

Careful not to overwhelm Kially with too many questions, he plucked the pearl from Kially's hand and examined it quickly. It was one of the first things he'd touched without gloves in a long while. "This is a pearl. It comes from the sea. It starts as a grain of sand, and over many, many years, it becomes this. It's kind of funny, but this transformation happens in the mouth of an animal."

He gathered the gems and put them away now, anxious to discuss things with the boy. "If you want, you can talk to me in your other language. I can understand it, too."

(("Which language is this?" "Is this your native language? It's very interesting."))

[Kially Gaith]

“Anghevna.” Came the response, the thought having not occurred of how in Gaias good name Luc knew what he was saying. In his native tongue he continued though. “Zhggre hagreevpugrgr vuz zvpu”, this of course, would allow Luc to know the child did have a mother and the name of his language may have very well gave away just what Kially was, even if the boy did not realise he was doing so.

“Vpu xnaa orfgrf, fb fcerpura” He continued, showing a better vocabulary than his spoken common, his words fluent and pure, sounding much like that of what one would expect to hear from a spirit.

“Vpu jne va rvarz Jnyq jvr qvrfre, nhpu trobera” Kially showed signs of settlement, using his own language for once was surprisingly comforting and strange. It was then that the information about the pearl sank in. “Jrypurf Gvre?” He couldn’t help but imagine some sort of fish being violated for the beautiful gemstone and for some reason, it angered him inside despite the items beauty.

Sitting back up, he listened to Luc, quietly giving responses as needed, as if talking to an old friend, smiling when a smile was graced, frowning when a frown was required. It was so odd, communicating with anything except his own goddess with the exact same language, the language however carried in a soothing manner to those that spoke it, leaving a feeling of peace in the heart, mind, body and soul. Whether Luc would feel these things would be debatable as Luc was purely simulating it with a spell.

Translations in order “Naturian” - “Mother taught it me.” - ”I can speak best, like this.” - “I was born in a forest like this one, too” - “What animal?”

[Cyrus the virus]

Naturian. A forest. The words came and though Luc did not know the language, he understood. His spell would stay in effect for six hours, more than long enough for them to get some good communication in. The boy was probably not human, that Luc had decided, but he'd never heard of Naturian before, either.

"It comes from an oyster," he said in the common tongue, beckoning a chunk of earth from the area between them to rise up. "I don't think taking the pearl hurts the creature, so it's not a big deal."

The earth formed itself into the shape of an oyster, as a display to the boy. It opened up and a small ball floated up from the inside, just like a tiny brown pearl. "See?"

"Ah, there e' be, off'in the grass to look at his new toys," came the gruff voice from the woods, and from there appeared the dwarf from earlier on, a half-dozen or more men behind him. "Yer a bit too easygoin' these days, even if yer magic's good."

Luc stood, pulling his gloves on as he did so. Swerving around Kially, the mage formed a barrier between the boy and the approaching men. The dwarf carried in his hands a long polearm, and his friends, dwarves all, carried assorted weapons that didn't so much as catch the mage's notice.

"Good? Did you forget why you shrunk away and let me make a fool of you, dwarf? No whelp with a year's training in Eluriand could strike that kind of fear into a centuries-old dwarf, no matter how limited his mind."

The dwarf sneered, trying his best to let anger overcome the fear in the back of his mind. "Me mates have got years of huntin' behind 'em. Huntin' n' hurtin'. Now I'll be takin' me gems back, if ye an' yer boy there be carin' fer yer skin."

Gloves solidly on, Luc just chuckled, an immense confidence rising out of him like steam from a boiling pot of water. He drew the Slykrit Blade, and careful to keep it away from Kially, who might have come closer to inspect the red tint of it, allowed it to burst into orange flames.

"Any of you who step toward me will die."

[Kially Gaith]

Kially was quite engrossed in the little display of terra firma when the voice distracted him, looking up, he frowned rather deeply, not only were they interrupting a peaceful moment, but they were making threats towards his newly made friend. Kially, put simply, was not impressed, but this however, did not stop him being surprised when that of Lucs sword burst into flames.

Stepping back behind Luc, Kially grabbed up a switch and out stretched it from the side into the air. “tura Fvr onfgneq jrt!” The child had some experience with how to wield a weapon, not that he knew this however, having been born with it. Immediately, the switch gained a sharp invisible edge.

”Oh lookie, tha’ wee laddy boy got ‘imself a stick…” came one of the dwarves taunts as he stepped slowly towards Luc, the rest splitting up into a semi-circle to give their futile attempt a better chance.

Kially watched, not faultering in his attitude or demeanour, even if inside, he was quaking with mild fear. He did not fear the dwarves themselves, more the damage they could cause to the beautiful trees and wildlife around him, naïve as to not fear death nor pain until that pain had actually been implemented into his young frail frame.

With each breath, he readied himself, not to be attacked, but to protect Luc from an attack or even the wildlife from an attack.

Looking to Luc, he spoke in a lesser and more sweet tone. “Ireyrgmra avpug qvr Orgevror, bx?”

Translations in order: "Go away, you bastards!" - "Don't hurt the plants...Okay?"

[Cyrus the virus]

They stepped forward. An amused smile displayed itself on Luc's youthful face. As he motioned forward, Kially's words struck him. Any kind of earth magic would harm the plants, he figured. "Alright," he agreed.

He slashed the blade in a horizontal arc, willing the fire to expand and fire out in a wave. The dwarves fell back in shock as Luc was moving forward, his light boots pounding the ground rapidly. Eight of them, he'd counted, and his eyes didn't distinguish one from the next. They were just fodder.

As the arc fizzled away, Luc wound up the sword in a circle, dragging flames behind the tip so that a ring appeared above his head. Three of the dwarves charged in, seeing an exposed Luc, but the ring dropped just before they reached him. Surrounding him like a makeshift barrier, the fire suddenly expanded in a bright flash before him, sending the dwarves flying backward, sizzling.

"Stay back, Kially," demanded Luc, a grin on his face that revealed his excitement. The shopkeep and the remaining dwarves ran for him.

The ground behind the shopkeep rumbled, melted, bubbled like boiling water as it became like liquid. Two of the dwarves stumbled in, screaming in shock. As suddenly at the earth had swallowed them, it hardened into rock, leaving naught but two reaching hands that stuck out from the ground. No plants were harmed, so far as he could tell.

Stopping dead in their tracks, the four remaining dwarves turned to witness what remained. The shopkeeper tried to spit out some words, but couldn't.

"Kill 'em!" he finally managed, his scream echoing all the way back to the city.

[Kially Gaith]

Silently, Kially watched on, tilting his head curiously as he gave more attention to the plants arround the ground swallowing up Lucs’ unwitting and befuddled opponents. No sooner had the ground ate them had Kially sat down, back rested against a tree, casual a naïve to all this combat. Luc seemingly had this all in hand.

His blood in reality though, pumped with anticipation, his attitude willing him to run head on in whilst his peaceful nature spoke to him that no blood should be spilled by his hands…That was, of course, until a single dwarf lunged at Luc, a steel straight sword aimed for his lower chest.
Luc, being the nimble fellow that he is, simply took an arched step, flicking out a leg to trip the angered dwarf. This said dwarf continued on in his now uncontrolled flying lunge towards Kially. The small child panicked, rolling to his right, as the dwarf embedded the steel sword directly into the solid bark of the tree. Without a second glance, Kially was angered, stepping up from a kneeled position, to a standing statue of confidence and blood lust.

“HOW DARE YOU!” He spoke in common as he twirled the stick in his right hand above his head from his left hand shoulder, slicing the air on the right with a loud ‘swish’, then arcing his wrist to point the stick at the floor until a flick brought it back up in a fencing style lunge.

The burly dwaf at this time had not his attention on the boy, despite his battle cry, but more on removing his sword from the tree to return to his offensive, on finally succeeding, he stumbled back a little, then forward once again as he regained his footing, now he turned to that of which was obviously not very happy. In the given instance of angling his body, the child was already in view and right in his personal field of vision below him. He prepared himself for what he believed would be a painful jab with a stick, tensing up his chest, only for him to suddenly feel a warm and horrid pain, the oaken switch cutting both cloth and flesh as it tore its’ way inside the dwarf, tearing a hole in his stomach before clipping a rib inside his bulky overweight frame, the switch snapping at impact with bone.

A thud of a steel sword hitting the floor gave the signal that the pain was to much to handle for the dwarf, falling to his knees in a futile attempt to catch his breath, no words came out, just pained whimpers as he coughed up a mixture of blood, stomach bile and vomit.

Kially, on the other hand, came out of his sudden anger, staggering back a little in solid heavy breaths, a great deal of exertion having gone into such attack, formed from a martial art he wasn’t even aware he knew.

[Cyrus the virus]

The lead dwarf had overexerted himself, resulting in his death at the hands of a mere boy. Luc had already moved on from him, and unfortunately for the three that remained, had already grown tired of playing.

Inches from the mage, the dwarves suddenly stopped in their tracks, mandibles of earth having reached up to each of their legs and stabbed deep into the flesh there. A pained scream rose up from them in unison, but each had the presence of mind to at least try to throw their weapons at the fearsome magic wielder. Before they could, though, the metal of each of their swords and axes were melted.

"You should have listened," mocked Luc as he approached, flaming sword in hand. The dwarves started to plead with him, but their words fell on deaf ears.

With two wide swings of the sword, the mage had removed two heads. All that remained now was the dwarf before him, a grey beard hanging from his chin. The shopkeeper saw the futility in trying to swing at the mage, so he said nothing.

Luc waited but a moment, cocking his head as if expecting the fool to plead. When it seemed like nothing was coming, Luc shrugged and raised his sword, burying it deep into the dwarf's chestplate and the flesh beyond it. The dwarf screamed and Luc backed away, willing the Slykrit Blade to erupt into fierce, licking flames that swallowed the dwarf's body in its hungry maw.

When he was no more than a blackened husk, Luc retrieved his sword after the flames died down, sheathing the red tinted blade. All three bodies stood, leaning back, legs bolted to the ground by earth as strong as steel.

Turning back to Kially, Luc offered a whimsical smile, a cheerful chuckle that showed how little these gruesome deaths affected him. "Normally I'd disappear now. As fun as this sort of thing is, the entire area may be upon us soon. We should head into the wilderness and find a place to law low - that is, unless you can fly. You have shown me some tricks I hadn't expected, after all."

[Kially Gaith]

Kially was not one equipped with the ability to fly, though he did however, know the forest like a swordsmith understood metal.

Two eyes flickered over the result of Lucs’ handiwork and that of his own. No emotion or care held for those pathetic beings that now remained lifeless to the afternoon sun. Only one dwarf remained alive, that was the victim of Kially. Now in the fetal position on the floor, bunched up like a dieing ant as he slowly bled out. Kially, as peaceful as he was, would not grant the fool a quick death.

Smiling as innocently as he had before such confrontation had began, he scooped up the small case of jewels and handed them over to Luc.
“C’me on. Folla’ me, I wanna show yuh somethin’.” Before Luc could even respond, Kially had dashed into the forest, secretly wishing to rid himself of the view of lifeless corpses as he made his way over soft leaves and slippery moss with surprising balance and ease.

Soon enough, a large tree came into view, one that was much larger than the others, a small clearing giving it providence, its’ roots protruding from the ground like giant tendrils begging food scraps of food.

“Jus’ ova’ here…” Kially stated, easing his footing towards a small spiral of roots near the base of the tree. A soft pale hand placed upon the roots and he began to whisper.

Right that moment, Luc would notice a very prominent shaking, located directly beneath his feet…

Spoils request: Kially gains ability: Knowledge of nature – Kially deeply understands every forest, knowing paths that have long since not been tread despite never having tread them himself.. He can also name every natural tree and plant, but does not know their use (Other than some fruit bearing plants such as blackberries)

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
Money for Nothing

Hello stud and stud junior. I’ll keep this short and relaxed, as was asked, so here ya go!Scores are an average.

STORY

Continuity ~ 5/10. I read your OOC note on this being a sequeland the probability of little backstory. Understandable, though not suitable for a separate quest. If you wanted to scrimp on continuity, then this should’ve bee fused with the Good Samaritan. Since it probably couldn’t due to the various reasons that led you to make this second thread, then a few more lines to enlighten me would have been much appreciated. Since you spoke of Kially recovering an item, elaborating on that a bit more would’ve been great.

Setting ~ 5.5/10. It was a bit more than bare bones, but I can’t remember anything that stood out, save for Luc’s fashioning of an oyster sculpture. There were trees and plants and the sky. Cyrus description of the surroundings were clear, short and to the point, yet didn’t feel dry, but Kially, yours were overly-verbose and sometimes confusing because you misused many words.

Pacing ~ 5.5/10. There wasn’t much of anything to this story and I don’t say that in blame, since this was meant to be pretty relaxed. I did read through those 16 posts relatively fast, but my mood throughout it was pretty constant.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 5/10. I liked Luc’s explanations on the making of pearls and his use of Kially’s own language, without abusing of it. However, his lines lost a lot of liveliness when the dwarfs came, and I could predict what he was going to say most of the time. Kially, your character is an innocent kid, and you display that quite well, though sometimes it seems exaggerated. Maybe that’s meant to be so, but I had a hard time believing him or didn’t feel the endearing quality as much as Luc apparently did. Also, near the end, he be speaking like a pirate!

Action ~ 4.5/10. I frankly could have done without the battle. It seemed pointless to me, and to both Luc and Kially too. I don’t really know why they’d even attack, when the damn mage has killed so many before. The vendor heard enough about Luc to really fear him, and going at him with so few of his kin was pretty stupid, especially when his whole reasoning for letting Luc have his way was to save his own hide and live to sell another day. Also, for something as innocent as Kially, killing like that, almost with pride, was out of character. I know Luc’s influencing him, but that’s far too radical. Still, I enjoyed the while market shopping thing.

Persona ~ 6.5/10. You definitely showed a more humane side of Luc here, Cy. It was a good move to write about how he expected children to annoy him, but was rather enjoying Kially’s company. You also showed a peaceful side to him by mentioning his favorite place to read. It wasn’t a 180 degree turn, though, since he remained as implacable dealing death as he usually is. Kially was believable in his questions and apprehensions, in his curiosity and expectations.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 5/10. 5 is average, meaning there wasn’t an absence of literary devices or a highly discernible style other than brevity. Kially, you try too hard to make your writing look professional. The narrative sounded too contrived and it sounded like you used a thesaurus to get better-sounding words. There were also a lot of run-ons on your part.

Mechanics ~ 6.5/10. Very few mistakes in Cy’s part, though Kially, you should be careful. Wrong wording, awkward syntax, run-ons, and strange grammar are all things that I’ve seen from you. I’ve read your stuff before, and I don’t remember seeing these problems, or not most of them, so maybe you rushed this a bit. See the notes.

Clarity ~ 6/10. It was pretty clear on Cy’s part, but I had a very hard time getting the messages you were trying to convey through your narration, Kially. There are instances of that in the Notes annexed to this judging.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 4.5/10. It didn’t bore me at all, it was a quick-read and I don’t feel like I’ve been gypped at all into reading this. It could’ve had more, but I’m not complaining!

TOTAL ~ 54/100.

EXP Rewards

Luc Kraus gains: 2059 XP!
Kially Gaith gains: 459 XP!

GP Rewards

Luc Kraus gains: 120 GP!
Kially Gaith gains: 120 GP!

Other Rewards

Luc Kraus gains: Urza’s Rage, which deals damage. If the kicker is paid, it deals a shitload of damage. (2R, Kicker 8R, instant, Invasion)
Kially gains: the Stick of Might, which, when shoved up somebody’s ass, turns him or her into a paladin. (2GG, equipment, unscotched)
Kially gains: Knowledge of Nature!

Ha, as if! You guys only get cheap booster packs. Congratulations!




down the drop of a roller coaster without any warning, once In flight however (2) missing period, wrong word capitalized.
seconds of materialisation (2) I’m guessing this should’ve been dematerialisation
child’s none existent (2) non-existent
Kially had just about stopped giggling when Luc had finished his small explanation that Kially offered an amused and bewildered smile to (2) very awkward syntax. Though it’s become acceptable to end a sentence with a preposition, in this case the use of ‘his small explananation, to which Kially offered’. Using twice his name in the same sentence makes the sentence heavier as well.
protested somewhat the strange feelings betrothed upon it (2) the use of betrothed here, even if meant for some sort of image, is very awkward. The same sentence is also a run-on.
It hadn’t occurred to Kially quite what implied a parent or what traits a parent even had, just being obedient, his eyes flickering from window to window in childish amazement as he gave view to things he’d one day covet. (2) tenuous link between the syntagms, should have separated them.
natures way (4) nature’s
he’d took (4) taken
The dwarf was not pleased, beginning to sweat with both anger and self control, most normal children would have been shouted at by now, but he daren’t, not with the mage quietly in tow behind, for now, allowing the child the pleasure that was truly a beautiful collection. (4) Commas abound. This could’ve been cut in two, three sentences, which would have given the narrative a better fluidity.
watched on in both fear and confusion, was he going to destroy the street? (6) ‘fearn and confusion. Was he going to destroy the street?’
Set ablaze to a set of stalls for fun? (6) Set ablaze a set of stalls/Set fire to a set of stalls
Kiallys’ (8) Kially’s
Lucs (8) Luc’s
in the little display of terra firma (10) I’m really wondering why you used terra firma here. If you meant the use of his geomancy to fashion the model of an oyster, then I don’t understand the relation with the saying ‘solid ground’, when sailors finally moor to land.
Faultering (12) faltering
pain had actually been implemented (12) awkward wording. Maybe go simple with ‘dealt’ ?
With each breath, he readied himself, not to be attacked, but to protect Luc from an attack or even the wildlife from an attack. (12) r.w., attack and its variants.
lesser and more sweet tone. (12) the comparative is ‘sweeter’
fire to expand and fire out in a wave. (13) r.w., fire
bubbled like boiling water as it became like liquid. (13) redundant
casual a naïve to all this combat (14) I rally don’t know what this was supposed to mean
The burly dwaf at this time had not his attention on the boy, despite his battle cry, but more on removing his sword from the tree to return to his offensive, on finally succeeding, he stumbled back a little, then forward once again as he regained his footing, now he turned to that of which was obviously not very happy.(14) dwarf, run-on.
the pain was to much (14) too much
place to law low (15) lay low
one equipped with the ability to fly (16) ‘equipping an ability’ doesn’t really work, now.
confrontation had began(16) begun
its’ roots (160 its roots
giant tendrils begging food scraps of food. (16) redundant

[Kially Gaith]

Thanks for the quick response Ataraxis, much appreciated! I'm not the best RPer in the world. ^_^ But alas! I try!

Anyhow, bro, could you confirm for me whether Kially gets the spoil I requested? You didn't state a yes or no on that, and hence such, has left me a little confused!

Oh, and thanks for your summary, I can see the majority of the mistakes now. Totally over looked them.

Just to clarify with one of them which I must admit I partially disagree with "Equipped with the ability to fly" - I suppose it may be a British term use only, but I've often heard the line used to describe something that was inherrent at birth, hence "equipped" - I'm probably wrong though.

Oh! And the pirate comment, cheered me right up, thanks! Hehe! Kially's common isn't upto scratch, with holding a tongue that was made to handle that of his mother tongue.

[Ataraxis]

If it's British, then I probably don't know about. And yes, I forgot to add that spoil: it is of course approved, and has been included in your rewards!

By the way, you're usually not supposed to post in these after my judgment, so I'm guessing these posts will eventually get deleted. In any case, PMing me would've worked just as well!

[Witchblade]

EXP and GP added!

Cyrus reaches level 9!