Finally, a lead...and death

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar was sitting in a room with little to do but search his thoughts for some clue as to the girl's whereabouts. He figured if he could find her, he could get some more sleep and keep building his soul's defenses up. All that sleep he'd gotten had rejuvenated it and also given him a chance to reverse the damage his magic caused to it. That one flaw had driven his entire race to ruin, and he was determined to not follow suit.

I think I will go down and have a drink. Wilhelmhar walked calmly down the stairs to the bar of the inn where he was staying. He wasn't particularly interested in beer, though. "Bartender, a simple mug of water if you please." The bartender grumbled something about getting water from the nearby spring, but Wilhelmhar ignored it. The bartender set the glass down none to gently and some sloshed over the side. Ignoring this rudeness, Wilhelmhar proceeded to ask, "Excuse me, but have you ever heard anything about a girl who has hair like an evening bonfire, robes as green as the leaves, and a temper as short as my pinky?"

"I might 'ave, but I'll not be tellin' you. I wouldn't know where she is anyways..." the bartender said, stopping short. "So you do know of her?" The bartender knew he was caught, "Yeah, but like I said, I've go' no idea where she is...goo' riddance. She nearly burned down the whole village with 'er sorcery. She actually killed her fiance. But I don't know much else about 'er; she never showed her face in her. You can try her parents; they live not to far away. They'll be hard to miss. They have an open workshop right outside their house and they're the only human-elf couple currently in the village. And tell Bill Hi for me while yer at it."

"Thank you kindly, good sir," Wilhelmhar said, slapping down ten gold pieces. Ignoring the bartender's thanks, he walked out the door and down the wide street, which was more like a path than a street. The light filtered through the leaves and everything looked green. The houses were set rather far apart, and everyone he saw seemed friendly to everyone else. It's a nice town, but I'd rather not stick around. I've got work to do, mage-girls to hunt down. Let's find them and get it over with.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

After about five minutes of walking, Wilhelmhar came upon what he was sure was the place. A man was outside carving a stave of wood into a longbow, a job for the village hunters that he'd heard about from a passerby. A woman came out with a mug in her hand and gave it to the man. She had pointed ears and long red hair. She wasn't the girl he was looking for, but she was the next best thing: her mother.

Wilhelmhar walked into the open-workshop and said, "Hello, there. Are you Mister and Misses Flamespire?" The man looked at him and said, "Aye, I am Romas Flamespire, a carpenter, fletcher and bowyer. This is my wife Jamina. What can we do for you?" Wilhelmhar smiled and thought up a good lie. I don't want to arouse suspicion. "I was wondering if you'd take a look at my staff here. It was made of a funny wood called bloodelm and I was wondering if you could look at it and tell me if I should trade it for something safer."

The man pointed to his wife and said, "Jamina here is able to sense magic, so she'll be able to help you with that. Bloodelm, eh? It's no wonder you're concerned. That stuff can be dangerous if it's got magic on it." Jamina walked over and held her hands out. Wilhelmhar gently laid the staff in her hands. She looked at him queerly and said, "Follow me into the house, sir, and I will appraise this staff of yours." He did as he was told and they went into the house.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

It was a cozy place with plenty of crafted wooden items, like a shop almost. There was a bed against the back wall and a room to the side that looked like it hadn't seen an occupant in months. "That was our daughter's room before she left us. If you've been here long, you probably know the story. We were very sad to see her go, but she was very insistent. Now let's take a look at this thing." She sat down on her knees and placed the staff on the floor in front of her. She looked up at him and Wilhelmhar took it as a sign to follow suit. He sat on the other side while she began to pass her hand over it.

She closed her eyes and he could tell she was focusing. She moved her hand to one end of the staff and slowly passed over it. She frowned almost at once and said, "This wood has seen much magic. But I don't feel any enchantments or curses yet." Romas came into the room and wiped his face on a cloth, observing them. He sat down on Wilhelmhar's left and watched intently.

Wilhelmhar looked over to him and said, "So about your daughter. I heard she left because of some disaster that happened to her, is that right?" The man's face looked very old suddenly and he said, "Yes, Shen left us because of that fire she caused. It was an accident, but she feels like she's a hazard to everyone around her." "Shen? Is that her name? No one I've spoken to has yet said her name, strangely..." "Her name is Shenjara. Shen is just short for it. Only her few friends ever called her that. Everybody else calls her 'That damned sorceress.'"

Wilhelmhar flashed a grin for a second and quickly made his face vacant to cover it. So her name's Shenjara, eh? Maybe I can use it to track her down. Investigating a little further, he said, "You must be quite sad. Do you even know where she's headed to?" Oblivious to Wilhelmhar's probing, Romas replied, "Luckily, she did tell us where she would probably head. She said she was going to head to the city. Best place to start, I guess..."

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

They were completely oblivious to his interrogation. Jamina had reached the end of his staff and was clearly quite shaken. "Y-you're staff...has seen much..evil magic. But it...it doesn't have any...any enchantments on it. I...do not recommend that...that you keep this staff, but it is safe...for the time being."

Romas slid beside his wife and put his arms around her. "What's wrong, Mina? Are you sure there's nothing in that staff?" Wilhelmhar grabbed his staff and stood up. "She's feeling the effects of an eon of dark magic flooding through this staff. Thank you for giving me the whereabouts of your daughter. You've been most helpful." A sadistic grin covered his face as he thought of which way he wanted to kill them. "Who the hell are you? What do you really want with us? What business do you have with our daughter?" Romas bellowed as realization hit him.

Wilhelmhar heard a loud crack as he brought his staff down on Romas' head. The man fell to the floor with a concussion. Jamina rushed to his side and stared up at Wilhelmhar, terror, shock, and disbelief flooding her eyes. "What do I want with her? To kill her. To remove any and all traces of the Daimonic people, I must kill anyone who uses there magic or artifacts. So she must die. The glory of N'jal will be fulfilled soon, and to bring that day closer, I would happily kill the king or queen of any of the countries."

Wilhelmhar let his grin become a horrible face of pleasure, bitter sadistic pleasure as he slammed the staff into Jamina's back. She screamed in agony, her sobs full of pain and fear. She couldn't use her magic anymore; she'd been married and had a daughter already. She was utterly helpless and at a loss for what she should do. The horrible voice filled her thoughts, an indescribable feeling that could only be equal to the horrors of death. An evil language without remorse, full of pain and suffering, calling out for blood.

"Nairasme tunartegash, alcamna tormensark.
Kinash ieronam torentek aminashcare tomic!"

Everything went dark. She couldn't breathe or hear, nor could she feel her beloved husband whom she'd been protecting with her body only seconds before. An eternity seemed to pass, an eternity of choking and terror. She was not only dying, but she was dying alone. Her husband had disappeared and she would never see him again.

Only a few seconds passed before she stopped choking, but the damage had been long done. The spell had flooded her with terror so pure, so vile, that it would always be present...that is it would have been if she'd lived. His hunger for pain satisfied, he raised his staff over the oblivious woman and brought it down on her temple. There was a crunching sound, and blood flowed across the floor. He felt it flow around his feet. "Delicious. Absolutely delicious. Pure and perfect agony. So fulfilling." It was exquisite. It was magnificent. It was the glory of N'jal's will.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar was surprised no one had shown up. It had obviously been suspicious enough for anyone to look in on. He walked out of there, calmly and quietly. It took about 20 minutes for him to get to the tavern and get his stuff together. He left quickly without a word to the innkeeper. I need to get out of here before they suspect anything.

He got about 100 feet outside of the village before he heard an alarm go up. Shouting could be heard from the village. "By the Thaynes...not them!" "Who did this treachery!?" "I'll kill you you bastard, whoever you are!" Needless to say, Wilhelmhar picked up the pace. He didn't get far before he heard his fall. "It must have been tha' guy wi' th' purple hair! He was th' last one in there. Where is 'ee!?" "He just went out into the forest!" "Don't jus' stand there, le's get 'im!"


Wilhelmhar was now afraid. He was running with the footsteps of an angry mob behind him, searching for it's quarry. He was afraid. He heard the SHING!! of swords being brazenly torn from their sheathes. He was afraid. He could feel the ground shake with the pounding footsteps of his pursuers. He was afraid.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

They were not far behind. Wilhelmhar was running as fast as his legs could carry him. He heard them shouting things to each other and taunts at him. "We'll ge' ye, bloody murderer!" "ee's this way, lads!!" "Run, ye li'l coward! Ye won' kill us like ye killed them, will ye!?" He normally would have killed a commoner who said such things to him, but when there was as many as were behind him, he knew he stood no chance of surviving to the end of the day if they caught up to him.

He looked back and stumbled over a log. He grunted in pain and grabbed his leg. He could feel blood flowing slowly from the scrape on his leg, but ignored it and quickly got back up. He managed to ignore the pain and continued to run, but they were close enough to see him now.

Thwit...Thwit

He could hear arrows flying through the air around him. A few of them had stalled long enough to grab bows and happened to be the more swift of the group. There's no way they're missing like that. They're trying to taunt me! Bastards... He reached into a small pouch at his side and pulled out a pinch of sulfur. As he ran, he puffed out the words to his spell.

"Shemtanai atricse" *huff* "natusca egjemnasc." *wheezing*
"Artrantame curesto aikemnat!"

The dark fireball sparked to life from the sulfur between his fingers. He looked back for a second and tossed it at an archer taking aim at him. He turned back around swiftly and continued to sprint away from the mob behind him. He hear the arrow thunk into a tree nearby and a loud shriek of pain. A woman? Even their women are trained for battle?

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar suddenly felt searing pain in his leg. The arrow had only grazed his calf, but it left a small gash in its trail. He could feel his lifeblood seeping slowly down his leg, a hot spring with red, thick water. He managed to stay up, but could only limp. The mob behind him was close enough that he could almost count the wrinkles on the man just behind him.

Wilhelmhar grabbed his sword and spun around. He swung wildly at the man just about to impale him. The man had a huge dirty-blond mustache that extended past his chin on either side of his mouth. His teeth peaked out from behind his teeth and a battle cry issued from between his lips. Striking at Wilhelmhar, his entire body lunged forward to kill this murderer in front of him. His sword met nothing though, and he stumbled forward.

Wilhelmhar took the advantage and slashed the man's back and then his left leg from behind. The man dropped to the ground, his pain and exhaustion too much for him to stay up as he panted on the ground. Wilhelmhar didn't wait around to let the man's suffering rejuvenate him, but ran on. The pain in his leg had subsided and it was only sore. He ran as fast as he still could, avoiding the rest of the mob that had almost caught up to him in his short fight with the villager. By N'jal...they're almost right on top of me! May N'jal understand my plight and forgive my cowardice...But I must keep running.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar couldn't stay ahead of them. They were, once again, right behind him. He looked back to see a woman in a purple robe just close enough to hit him with rocks...or spells. She stopped and began chanting. "Arasa, nustai trocei. Alnisa tonas!" A ball of purple light appeared in her hands and she sent them flying towards him. He tried to dodge them, but they followed him and slammed into his back. He felt like his insides were burning away and hit the ground.

His lip was bleeding and he could feel a large bruise forming on his back. If he got away, he would be very sore for a while. He took another pinch of sulfur and chanted. "Shemtanai atricse natusca egjemnasc. Artrantame curesto aikemnat!" The Fireball of Agony sparked to life again. He sent it flying at the magess who was already chanting another spell. She couldn't get away from it in time and screamed in agony. He waited only for a moment, drinking in her delicious pain, and then got back up and took off running again.

His legs were very tired and it was hard for him to stay up. His back ached horribly and he was wincing with every step. The mob behind him was not giving up and continued to chase him. He turned around and, pointing at the closest person to him, began to chant once again. "Clainasad artanacte shnapsto kurasteco tchunist!" Blue sparks of energy appeared around the man and shot into his chest. His hand shot to his chest and he dropped to his knees. Wilhelmhar knew that, for a few seconds, that man would feel a sensation most peculiar as his heart's temperature suddenly dropped quite a bit.

Some of the men stopped chasing Wilhelmhar and ran to the man's side. They checked to make sure he was ok, but didn't get back up to keep up the chase. If I can get them to worry more about themselves than me, I might be able to get away. But I only have enough energy to put one person under the Breath...

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar turned around and stopped running for a moment. They were all close to him. He could see what he was sure was the entire mob. They stopped running and walked up towards him. That one. He looks weak-minded and weak-bodied. He'll be perfect. "So you've finally stopped running, murderer? About time. Now, take your punishment like a man.

Wilhelmhar lowered his face so they couldn't see him speaking and whispered "Nairasme tunartegash, alcamna tormensark. Kinash ieronam torentek..." The man who had spoken before, a burly man with curly red hair, said, "What's that? What are you saying? Wilhelmhar looked up and finished his incantation, looking straight at his target, who was right next to the burly man. "Aminashcare tomic!"

Screams penetrated the air as the man dropped to his knees, clutching his throat. He hit the ground and convulsed as he was deprived, momentarily, of life. People looked on in horror at this power. He, the murderer, had rendered a man helpless with only a look and a single phrase. The murderer's blood-chilling voice rang out among them, "I have much, much more were that came from. You all might kill me, but I guarantee that with the number of psychological casualties, your village will never recover. You will all die."

It was nothing but a bluff, but after the show they'd just had, the mob was very inclined to believe him. The man was breathing again, but had a look of sheer terror on his face. That alone was enough encouragement for them. "Fine then. Run, coward. And may the whole world be a curse to your feet. May the people of the world look at you and spit on the ground at your feet. May you be plagued and rotten to the end of your miserable days."

Everyone finally gave in to exhaustion. Their intense bout of running had drained them and, after stopping, they couldn't get running again without rest. Wilhelmhar, similarly exhausted but refreshed from the sheer terror of the mob behind him, began to walk away. His bluff had worked. I can't believe it. It worked. He looked back at what had nearly killed him, and then went on. I'm all done here. Time to find that girl. He left them without another word.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar had gotten the clue he needed in that village. He'd also gotten to kill someone. He was, without doubt, a happy daemon. The sun blinded him for a minute as he stepped out from beneath the trees of Brokenthorn. After escaping the village mob, he'd been walking for three days. He'd had plenty of rest each night, but he was still sore. The ground hurt his feet and it had become hard to walk. A passing farmer looked at him for a moment, then turned his head and spat right at his feet.

Surely that curse of his didn't actually work...did it? He stepped into the grassy field and instantly the ground felt more accepting to his feet. Another farmer went by and gave him a hearty "Hello, stranger!" before passing by without incident. I guess it was just a coincidence. What a relief. I don't think I could keep it up if the world hurt my feet just as much as that forest did.

He was happy to be on his way to finding his target. He wasn't aware that just one mile northeast of him was a shack with five people in it: an elf, a dwarf, an outsider, and two human healers. They'd been there for twelve days, now. He was going to pass his target without even knowing. I wish I knew which way to go now. I suppose I'll find the road and head straight to the city. I can look for her there. So he walked.

[Breaker]

Finally, a lead... and death
Quest Judgement

First of all, welcome to Althanas, and congratulations on completing your first quest. I definitely see potential in your writing, so keep at it!

STORY

Continuity ~ 4/10. You seemed to lack a lot of backstory. Throughout the course of the thread I found a few details about why Wilhelmhar (I'll call him Wil from here on), but by the end I was still a little confused as to how he got to Scara Brae, what had brought him there, and exactly why he was chasing the girl. Remember that where your character came from can often be as important as where they're going, and don't be afraid to add some details about the past; it will open oppurtunities for foreshadowing and make your story richer.

Setting ~ 3/10. The setting existed, and you mentioned it (and even interacted with it, which is good!) fairly often. However, I felt it was pretty lacking. You demonstrated some good use of adjectives, so use these (and some verbs, which are even better for describing things) to really bring the setting to life. Think about unique ways your character might perceive his surroundings; details that only he would pick out, and things that only he would do. This will really help show the reader the setting through Wil's eyes. Speaking of which, don't forget to use all five senses. There was lots of sight and touch, but significantly less of the other three. If you're having trouble coming up with details of the setting, close your eyes and picture it from Wil's perspective? What do you smell, hear, feel and see? What do you taste? Really fleshing out your descriptions of the setting will make your reader appreciate the story all the more.

Pacing ~ 3/10. Not a whole lot happened in this quest, and the events seemed rather forced and unnatural. Out of nowhere, Wil is at an inn, then he's seeking help, then he's killed a couple and suddenly an entire village is after him. Then a few posts later, they weren't. Try building towards significant events with smaller ones, this will help increase and maintain tension. Also, make an effort to keep "what happens next" a little less predictable. After the fourth post, I figured I knew how the story would end, and I was completely correct. That's always a little disapointing; as a reader, I like to be surprised and taken aback by the events, not bored by them. Work on developing a stronger storyline and you'll find the posts come easier and read better.

CHARACTER

Dialogue ~ 4/10. The dialogue was rather flat and uninteresting, and didn't do much to tell me about your character. First of all, your posts will read much better if you add a line break (hit the return key) every time a new person talks. On more than one occasion, I wasn't sure who was speaking. Also, if you're going to use accents, keep them consistent. The villagers started off speaking rather primatively, but at the end it seemed like they had taken a few english courses while chasing Wil.

Action ~ 3/10. When Wil killed the couple... it seemed completely out of character. Nothing foreshadowed that, or even made mention of the fact that he was a murderer, or evil in any way. It wasn't the good kind of surprise, because it didn't really shock me. I just kind of said "Oh... that didn't seem like something he would do." Later on, you gave me enoug information that it made more sense. Otherwise, the action wasn't particularly well described, and became a little repetitive (five posts of a guy getting chased will do that.) Also, the mob threw me off. They were firing spells and arrows at him, but when he stopped, rather than tearing him apart the started a conversation. This, again, alienated me from the story in a bad way. Make sure you use your character's actions are decisive and purposeful, and it will help solidify his persona.

Persona ~ 5/10. I bumped you from a four to a five here, because I really felt like you put an effort into bringing out Wil's character. That said, you sort of went about it in the wrong way. Saying "he was afraid... ... he was afraid." Really doesn't do much for me. That kind of weak repetition is slightly confusing, because I find myself thinking "Didn't I just read that?" You tend to do a lot of telling about your character, and not a lot of showing. Rather than telling me that it felt good when he killed someone, use a few choicy verbs to describe the actual rush he feels. Details like this will stop Wil from sounding cliche, and make him seem like a real person.

WRITING STYLE

Technique ~ 4/10. A few (or a lot) of literary devices would really help your writing. A few similes and metaphors snuck into your posts, but it's time to start actively thinking about how you can bring your writing to life. Literary devices will help make your work original, and make you Story and Character more interesting, bringing up your scores in those areas. If you need some examples on how to work devices into your writing, check out the threads of some of Althanas' more experienced writers, maybe even browse through the Judges Choice forum. Often as not, a well placed metaphor is stronger and more interesting than four adjective-filled sentences.

Mechanics ~ 6/10. There weren't a lot of errors, but considering the length of the posts and the minimal number of them, I weighted the errors I did find a little more heavily. To eliminate these, read your post out loud to yourself, and things that flew under the radar before will just about pop off the page. You could also work on keeping the voice active rather than passive, which will make your writing sound stronger and more interesting.

Clarity ~ 6/10. There was nothing really wrong with the flow of your writing, but nothing spectacular about it either. Your posts were short, but not as concise as they could be. Try to avoid repeating yourself, or using more than one adjective that means the exact same thing. Multiple adjectives that don't describe different aspects of something get redundant and boring. There's nothing wrong with the length of your posts (I actually greatly appreciate brevity), but if they're going to be that short, there should be a lot more content packed in.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card ~ 6/10. If something more interesting had happened in this story, it would have been a rather good read. But I felt it was a good first quest, and I know you're going to show rampant improvements in your next thread ;)

TOTAL ~ 44/100. Don't let the numbers discourage you, because this really wasn't bad for your first shot at it. Keep in mind the suggestions I made, read a few threads around the forum, and you'll be well on your way to the big time!

EXP and GP Rewards

The Anti-Sorcerer receives 400 EXP and 100 GP

Other Rewards

Wilhelmhar receives two ears of corn and a smoked pig's snout from a passing farmer who thought he looked hungry. Enjoy!

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!