The hunt is at an end?

[hamnat]

Willy is my character and the terrain makes it difficult to avoid bunnying, so please understand that the more action packed stuff will probably be fraught with bunnying and all bunnies are approved by both characters (who are written by me anyways). Sorry for any inconveniences!!

Shenjara had never been in the Citadel before and it was a grand sight to behold. She'd been in Radasanth for a couple weeks now, creating draughts and potions for the odd customer, helping the city guard apprehend a thief, and continuing to search for a way to complete her control of her powers, which had become much more difficult since Arajnehs had declared her presence back in Scara Brae. It hadn't had much effect on her yet, but she had the feeling that it was going to get worse soon.

She hadn't been to the Citadel since she'd arrived in Radasanth, but had been passing by when she noticed it. She'd heard numerous things about the Citadel, though, and she wanted to find out about the place for herself. People went to and fro and the Ai'Brone monks were escorting people down hallways and showing them to their respective arenas. I wonder why Mac didn't follow me? It's probably some qualm about his honor... A monk walked serenely up to her and asked, "Is there something I might help you with, miss?"

A smile was on her face and she said brightly, "I hear you can create almost any environment. Is it possible to create a void with stars? One without a floor or walls? One where you have to will yourself to move?" The monk paused for a second before saying, "It might be possible, though it sounds rather difficult to do. I won't guarantee anything but I will see what I can do." The monk walked off leaving Shenjara alone. He wasn't gone long and came back and said to her, "I've tried my hand at your request. I hope it is to your liking. Please follow me to your arena."

She followed him quietly down a passageway that ended at a large double door. He moved to the side and gave a small bow. "Thank you, good monk. I'm certain I will like whatever is in there." She opened the door and stepped into the arena. Almost instantly, she felt like she was falling. There was no floor beneath her feet so her mind automatically assumed she would be falling. She looked around and saw many stars in the void around her. Some were fairly large and, so she guessed, close enough to be a significant light source. She could see her entire body fairly well, so she was satisfied with that.

But she still had one thing left to check. I want to go up. She felt strange as the larger stars seemed to shrink slightly beneath her. It was the only clue she had to tell her she was even moving at all. This is absolutely amazing. She felt as free as a bird and flew around in a few circles before stopping. "Echo!" she shouted, testing how the sound moved. She heard herself repeat rapidly, as though her voice wasn't hers but from another plane of existence. It was perfect.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

He'd definitely seen her, the long red hair and dark green rope, the pointed ears, the staff. He'd seen her. He quickly followed her up the path to a large, magnificent building, known as the Citadel. It had taken some time, but Wilhelmhar had tracked Shenjara down and had arrived in Radasanth only two days ago. He'd been looking around, asking people if they knew her, doing what he could to find her.

She had apparently given a number of people medicines or special draughts and potions and already had a good reputation among the people of the city. What he didn't know was what the Citadel was, so thinking he would be able to murder her in some secluded spot or follow her out, he went right on in. He had barely gotten in when the monk was showing her to a hallway. Dodging a monk who was swooping down to help him, he followed the monk and the girl, staying a good ways behind them to avoid being noticed.

She went into a room and the monk closed the door behind her. He noticed Wilhelmhar almost immediately and walked quickly over to him. "Is there something I can help you with, sir?" Wilhelmhar attempted to think up a quick lie and said, "Uh, I'm supposed to be meeting that girl. Am I allowed in there?" The monk looked suspicious for a moment, but seemed to pass it off and said, "Certainly, but be careful in there. The only way to move is to will yourself in the direction you want to go, and there is no floor."

Wilhelmhar was bewildered as to why there would be such a room in here, but let it go and said, "Thank you. I will go in there now." He walked to the door, opened it, and stepped through. He'd noticed the nature of the room just as he was passing through and automatically thought, "Oh no, I'm going to fall!" As he stepped over the threshold, his thought took hold and he shot down, or at least down in relation to his feet.

He was scared out of his wits, but he managed to remember what the monk had said about moving. Go up! Up!!! He stopped very abruptly and then shot up. Not so fast! The thought seemed to work because he felt like he had slowed down. Moving through this void was very different and disturbing. It took him a bit to get used to the environment. When he had, he looked around to see if he could find the girl. Above on his right, he could see her flying blissfully through the void, ignorant to his presence. This might be less fun than I thought it would be.

[hamnat]

She was oblivious to the intruder as she...flew...around in circles. You're...making...me...dizzy! Stop doing that! Arajnehs was whining so very annoyingly. Getting an evil grin she quickly retorted. Oh? Is that so? Maybe I should go faster? She could almost see Arajnehs whimpering. No please don't!!! For goodness' sake, bitch, pay attention! Shenjara stopped flying long enough to hear what she had to say. If Arajnehs was asking her to pay attention like that, it was definitely something important.

What do you want? She put every ounce of impatience she could muster into that. Now that you've finally stopped, maybe you'll finally notice that someone else is here! And I would pay REAL close attention to him, because I'm pretty sure he's not friendly. Shenjara looked around and saw someone behind and below her. Well what do you know? Good job, Araj. You actually did something right for once. Extra sadism for you tonight. She shut Arajnehs out after that. Not completely, of course, there was still a light buzzing, but enough to concentrate.

Something did feel odd about him. Everything about him felt like it was in direct opposition to her. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion and she gracefully rotated herself to face him more directly. It was a very strange feeling to suddenly change the direction "up" was in. She'd had to carefully bend herself one way then another in order to do it, which was none too easy. "As you can tell, I've noticed you. What is it you want with me?"

She already didn't trust him and pictured a raging fire almost immediately, an almost reflexive preparation for hostile action. The only thing she hadn't done was begin the incantation. I don't know why, but I just know that he'll be able to figure out what I'd be doing... What she didn't realize was that she couldn't have been more right.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

It didn't take her long to notice him. She turned rather well considering there wasn't anything to press against. He could now see all of her: the flame red hair, the staff which she never seemed to be parted with, the green robe. Her voice seemed to echo, like a ghosts voice, in the void. It was a peculiar effect, but it didn't really matter. What did matter was that his quarry was right above and in front of him now. It's about time, too...

Wilhelmhar cleared his throat before answering her question. "I am Wilhelmhar von Scrunas...well, let's just go with Wilhelmhar, or even Will. Doesn't matter, really." "Will" smiled disturbingly and looked at her with a mischievous expression. "What do I want with you? Well, to be honest, I want to kill you. I've been hunting you down for months now. Why have I been hunting you? You use Daimonic spells. It is my purpose to completely wipe out all traces of the Daimonic culture...and the people who utilize their crafts and tools."

He could see a look of rage all over her face. He'd heard of her bad temper before, her quick-to-snap look on life. She was quite dangerous to be affiliated with. Sounds like fun. Wanting to start the excitement, Wilhelmhar taunted her, "Now then, little girl. Shall we play? It will be oh so much fun to watch you die slowly."

[hamnat]

Shenjara was enraged by this fiend's casual demeanor as he proclaimed that her life would soon be over. It was astounding to her that there could be someone with such gall. Anger flowed through her blood, and the more vicious parts of her mind rejoiced with the succulent bloodshed that was soon to follow. She wasn't interested in playing, only killing this man floating in the void. Her void. Letting her anger seep into her words, she said, "You want to play, Willy? Well let me share some of my toys with you!"

Fly backwards... Shenjara felt herself moving backwards, away from her enemy, and she chanted, "Bremnoytricgo nmertocit ailutishca reckña. Shmeriche amni trescquio maische!" She could feel the energy flowing through her. Her heart suddenly felt hot, then her shoulder, her arm, and finally her hand. The familiar ball of fire sparked to life with vigor, joyously praising her with the coming battle.

Her blood was boiling, and everything in her body wanted to let go of that ball and send it flying at her enemy. But her mind did not relent, and instead, she held onto the Torch, focusing more energy into it. I'm going to use every ounce of energy I can safely use until I kill him. This one needs a very painful lesson. The burning sphere was growing ever so slightly. She wanted to put as much into it as she could. An idea hit her mind, and her face contorted into a sadistic grin. Maybe she could try that, too.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar frowned when she taunted him. My name is not Willy... She started flying away from him, chanting a low-level fire spell. Bremnoytricgo..."burning power"... definitely fire. Let's go follow her. He shot towards her, his body automatically rotating to straighten out. She had summoned a fireball but she was holding on to it. It was growing larger and she was slowing down as she focused on the fireball instead of her motion.

He could see the expression on her face. The sadism revealed in it rivaled his own; she clearly desired to obliterate him. I'm going to be covered in blood by the time this is over. Looks like I'll enjoy myself after all. He reached for his sword and left his staff to float in the middle of the void. He focused on his movement through the void, gaining speed rapidly. If she hadn't had that long head-start on him, he would have caught up with her. He was still several seconds from making contact with her. I hope I make it there in time. If she finishes doing what ever it is she's trying to do, I'll be cooked to order: well-done.

[hamnat]

Shenjara was trying something that she'd only experimented with once. She chanted another incantation, this time focusing on her left hand. "Caranuscai arelanta!" She felt warmth in both of her hands now, the fireballs sending orange light splashing over the two of them. She took the fireballs in either hand, and then with a roar, she smashed them together.

She grunted from the effort, the two balls pushing against her efforts. Beads of sweat formed on her face as she exerted as much force as she could. If she managed to push them together, they would make a powerful bomb that would definitely inhibit Willy, if it didn't kill him. He was very close now, but the fireballs were still resisting stubbornly. Do it, NOW!! The force of her thought pushed her back a few feet, but also gave her enough momentum to force the spheres to combine.

The larger ball was much brighter than the other two. It shown like a small star, making her green robes into a Christmas tree. She could feel its energy in her mind, however. Spells sometimes had their own emotions, even if they couldn't really think for themselves, and she felt her spell's consciousness try and force her to let it go. But she didn't give in. She waited until her enemy was just close enough for her to let it go and harm him in the inevitable explosion.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

The fireball continued to grow. Then, Shenjara did something that completely surprised him. That spell...it's the same as before...but how? He couldn't understand how an entirely different incantation had created the same spell. And what was even more confusing was that she was trying to push them together. It didn't make sense...unless...

A firebomb...she's making it into a high-explosive! Stop moving! STOP!!! He slowed down, but his momentum was so great he continued flying towards his target, unable to stop yet. He could already see it...she would let go, and the bomb would explode and most likely obliterate him. Damnit...I've never lost before...how can I lose to this...girl? He was still moving forward and closer to the danger. It would all be over soon. He was sure of it.

[hamnat]

The firebomb was reaching a point of critical mass. If she let it grow any larger, she would be completely annihilated by not only an explosion, but a massive spiritual feedback loop that would also obliterate her soul. She would cease to exist. She was sure even the Ai'Bron monks wouldn't be able to retrieve her. I'd almost forgotten about them...Even if I kill him, he'll still be able to hunt me down and kill me later.

A searing pain shot through her as the firebomb reached critical mass. I have to let it go...She could hear the firebomb's cry for blood and flesh. She let it fill her up and released the bomb, simultaneously focusing on the message BACK!!!. She didn't wait to see the effect, she just ran, or rather flew away from it. When it blew, it would be huge. I hope the Citadel can withstand such a blast.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar heard her cry out in pain. The ball must have gotten too large to hold anylonger. His suspicion was confirmed when she let go of the firebomb, flying back either from the firebomb's sudden momentum, or in an effort to escape the blast. The blast...it will kill me if I don't move quickly.

Seconds seemed as hours to him as he puzzled out how to avoid the bomb. Can't stop because I'm still moving too fast, but maybe I can move around it... He studied the firebomb's movement for a second, then timed his movements to get around it right. Move towards the right, NOW!!!!

His path moved quickly to his right and the firebomb just missed colliding with him. It exploded just after they passed each other. The blast radiated out from the sphere and caught him. It shoved him hard, reinforcing his movements and making him careen through the void. He was spinning around and around, unable to think, dizzy and disoriented, helplessly caught in uncontrollable motion. But at least he was alive.

[hamnat]

Shenjara felt dizzy and exhausted. Creating the firebomb had taken almost as much energy as summoning three Torches. Her vision was somewhat blurred, which was barely noticeable since she was in a void. She was surprised it had worked so well, but she hadn't looked to see if the bomb had killed him or not.

Shenjara stopped moving and looked around, searching for Willy. She found him careening through the void a little below her to her left. He'll be very dizzy when he finally stops, that's for sure. Arajnehs reminded her of what was going on, HELLO!!! Wake up, Bitch! He's trying to kill you, remember? Don't just sit here feeling sorry for him because he'll feel dizzy, go kill him! You left your staff over there. Get it and beat every last ounce of life from him.

Acting on Arajnehs' indications, which were in her favor for once, Shenjara flew down to her staff, grabbed it, then quickly switched directions. He was starting to regain control of himself, though he was no doubt still disoriented. I have enough energy for a weak Torch...I can use it to distract him and then beat the life out of him while I have an opening. She was getting close enough to see his fingers now, and he was just regaining his balance. She'd have to be quick. I just hope this idea works.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar had managed to straighten himself out again. He had a few burns here and there, but there was nothing serious. His robe, however, was quite charred. He felt very dizzy from his tumble through the void. His head was spinning like a top and everything around him swirled and swayed. It took a moment for him to regain his wits, but Shenjara was already quite close to him.

He had lost his sword somewhere in the void so the only thing left was the staff on his back. He reached back and grabbed it, ready for battle. She had her staff in hand and he could tell it was going to be an awkward battle with the two of them floating in the middle of nothing. He turned himself to face her directly. He was going to be ready.

[hamnat]

Shenjara was close enough to see the colors of his eyes now. She quickly shouted "Kuranai alsrantokif!!" and the fireball appeared in her hand. She hurled it at Wilhelmhar, who dodged it swiftly but found himself under a sudden attack.

Swipe

Her staff passed right above his head as he shot down a couple feet, then came back up to ram his into her stomach. RIGHT!! She moved right and Willy's staff passed through space. She quickly countered with a strike to the middle of his back. She heard a crack and a grunt as his spine absorbed the impact. It worked. He fell for it. She followed up her attack, ramming the end of her staff towards the back of his head. "This is what happens to people who try to kill me!"

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar's back was on fire. His body couldn't take much more abuse and he would fall unconscious if he took any more punishment. She taunted him and swung her staff at the back of his head. Spin. It was a spur-of-the-moment thought, but it saved him from a concussion and allowed him a quick counter-attack.

His lucky dodge and its accompanying counter-attack earned a pleasing crack as his staff slammed into her left arm. He heard a scream. That's a broken arm, no doubt. Curses filled the void as Shenjara voiced every loathing feeling within her. It's no wonder she's known for her temper.

[hamnat]

Shenjara had never had any bone fractured, even cracked. But when her staff struck nothing, she knew she was in for pain. When Willy's staff collided with her arm, both bones broke. She was screaming in pain so loudly that people could have heard her across the city if it wasn't for the arena they were in. A tongue of pain was licking her whole arm, scorching and torturing her nerve-endings and, by extension, her mind.

Ancient curses filled her mind as rage and pain overwhelmed every ounce of control she had. Her arm hung limply at her side, but she ignored this and lashed out with only her right arm. Her attack missed; she had never practiced with only one hand and she was never very good to begin with. She was almost flailing with her staff, striking out randomly as if she were desperate to hit something with it. But she never felt it collide with anything.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar was easily dodging the random strikes from the enraged but almost helpless girl. It's strange. I actually pity the girl. She's in such pain, yet she's still fighting with everything she has. If she were one of the Daemon, she would have great honor among our people. Still, her pain is absolutely delicious. Too bad her suffering is watered down with her overwhelming rage. He could feel her anger coming off of her in waves, tainting the suffering she would otherwise be immersed in.

It was like lukewarm water: nasty and unfulfilling. Like a person dumping a glass of lukewarm water, he wanted to get rid of the useless pain-rage combination she was letting loose. He grabbed her staff when she missed yet another strike and wrenched it from her hand. He tossed it into the void and looked her right in the eyes. He reached into a pouch at his side and pulled out a pinch of a fine, yellowish powder.

"Shemtanai atricse natusca egjemnasc.
Artrantame curesto aikemnat!"

A small fireball sparked to life from the sulfur between his fingers. "You want to know something interesting, Shenjara?" His face contorted into an ugly grin. "I was able to track you down because of your parents. They are both dead of course. And their suffering was most delicious." He tossed the flame at her lazily. She doesn't have the strength to dodge it. This, at least, should purify her pain.

[hamnat]

Shenjara's rage was suddenly gone. Nothing was in her mind now, not even the pain in her arm, except for those words: "Your parents are dead." No...there's no way...it's not possible. The fireball flew towards her, a dark fire flecked with black sparks. It hit her in her leg. It wasn't very hot, and at first it didn't phase her. Then, she suddenly felt a massive jolt of pain shoot up her leg. The pain in her arm, the agony in her leg, and the news of her dead parents...it all was too much. Her mind finally broke.

She screamed a curse so cruel, horrid, and vile that even Wilhelmhar flinched in the corner of her eye. But she didn't care. Her whole world was gone, disappeared into the void in which she was floating. There was nothing but pain. She curled into a ball as her overwhelming pain finally forced her mind to instinctively shut down. Her eyes closed and her brain forced her into a dreamless sleep that would help to naturally lessen the pain she would be thrown into when she awoke. She was gone into an abyss of temporary forgetfulness.

[The Anti-Sorcerer]

Wilhelmhar found himself stunned. He'd only ever heard such a curse once. It was when his home and the Daemonic capital city was forced underground. The voice he had recognized as the King's had echoed far from the city. The curse was vile, though in the eyes of N'jal, it would be a shocking, but pleasing, statement against the Thaynes who had rejected her.

Shenjara's curse was not quite the same, but it did hold an appeal to the Thaynes, one filled with hatred. As far as he could tell, she had said a curse that essentially blamed them for the deaths of her parents. Such pure despair...such pure suffering...it is more refreshing than any I've had in so long. Truly her power is magnificent.

He floated slowly over to the girl who floated in the void in a catatonic state. "You would have made a magnificent warlock had you been born a Daemon. You would have held great honor among my people. Unfortunately, you were gifted with Daimonic power, and such power cannot be allowed to exist." He looked up and grabbed the knife at his side. He flattened her body so that she looked as though she were lying on an altar.

Wilhelmhar held the knife up, as if offering it to N'jal, and shouted, "For the glory of N'jal! You who are destined to die, rejoice that the hour of the end to your suffering is here. I, Wilhelmhar von Scrunas Crinasi Tronarki Altrusin Nuskara, sacrifice you in the name of N'jal! May your blood make swift her coming!" He plunged the knife straight into her chest. He heard her take a final gasp of breath. Blood flowed from her mouth along with the final breath of death. Shenjara, the magess of the Eternal flame, was dead.

Wilhelmhar left the arena without a further thought about her. But when the Ai'bron monks healed him and brought him around to the real use of the Citadel, he was furious. He was certain that his hunt was finally over. He had even formally sacrificed her to the dark goddess. Was it all to be in vain? At least they repaired my robe... He left without another word. Do whatever you want, Shenjara. But if and when we next meet, you will certainly die. I swear, with N'jal as my witness, I will kill you and offer your soul to her.

[hamnat]

Shenjara woke in a room of the Citadel with an Ai'bron monk standing over her. He had a smile on his face that spoke of respect. "That was some fight you two had. We've not seen it's like in some time." Shenjara suddenly remembered everything. The void, the stars, Wilhelmhar von...something, the firebomb...and her dead parents.

She felt her heart skip a beat as she remembered what he had said about her parents. She didn't want to believe it, but deep inside, somehow she knew he was telling the truth. Her parents were dead and nothing she could say or think would change that. She managed to fake gratitude to the monk for his kindness, then left with all her equipment in tow.

When she arrived at the tavern they were staying at, she ignored Kishurin and Mac's "Hello!" and went straight to her room. She closed the door behind her and locked it. She stood there a moment, silent and still. A lone tear slid down her cheek, closely followed by more. Her resolve broke and she sobbed heavily.

She dropped to her knees and lamented the death of her parents. Her parents who had loved her despite all the shame she had caused them. Her parents who had originally shown her the wonders of magic. Her parents who had first introduced her to Joran. Everyone she loved was gone and it was all her fault. Her chest felt cold, her face felt hot, and her entire body ached.

Even Arajnehs left her alone at that moment. Seeing someone who was so strong in such pain, even someone she hated, was heart-rending. Shenjara cried all night long and refused to see either of her friends. She could sense Kishurin, the girly one, outside her door listening and waiting for any chance to cheer her up, but she never gave him one. She was going to suffer alone. It was her punishment to herself for all the pain she had caused the people who had once cared about her. Her everlasting torment was herself.

[Ataraxis]

Quest Judging
The hunt is at an end?

Hello and I apologize for the belated judgment. More projects followed by exams came up, but I think I’m out of the woods now. Or, at least, I’m out for a while! I know you’re not hanging around here much anymore, but I thought you’d want this done eventually.

In any case, I’ve just finished reading your battle, and it wasn’t bad at all! Also, don’t worry about bunnies, as they are only looked down upon when done without the other player’s permission: otherwise, they are a great tool to further a story without slowing down the pace.

Red is Shenjara, Yellow is Will.

STORY

Continuity.

5.5/10. I only realized who Arajnehs was in your second or third post as Shen, and I still wasn’t sure if she was just a spirit that possessed her or a second personality that broke off from her after some sort of trauma. Also, who’s Mac? Then, who’s Kishurin? I only know they’re friends because you described them as so (and Kishurin as girly) but that’s more than just a bit vague. As for here reasons for being there, you powered through it at the start like a shopping list; I’m not deducting any points here, but just know that there are ways to make this part more interesting. Try a bit of narrative irony, or include some of Shen’s thoughts on the matter.

4.5/10. I had no idea Will was a Daemon until the end, and though it know it says so in the sidebar, I only looked at it at the end. No idea where he came from either. I know he’s been ‘looking for her’ for a while, and to kill her, but I only learned why near the end. Sometimes, that’s a good device to make the tension rise and add suspense, but the big reveal seemed more like an afterthought.

Setting.

4/10. It was slim throughout, mostly focused at the beginning when you described the arena and the stars. Afterward, it was just a void. It was incredibly hard for you to interact with the setting, considering there was nothing in it to start with. You did have them tell themselves to move, how to do so and in which direction, but that was a given considering that otherwise, you’d have just been floating around. I actually would have enjoyed it if they had to deal with the arena as if it were outer space, sans the deadly lack of air to breathe: Shenjara could have used a mild explosive fire spell to propel herself.

Pacing.

6/10. It was quick to read through, due to the shortness of the thread and of the posts (not a bad thing in most cases, including yours) and I don’t think I hit a really bad snag anywhere. Still, there wasn’t much that happened and your descriptions tended more on the straightforward side, which gave this thread very little rising tension. It picked up near the end, and the conclusion was a good one in its own right.

5.5/10. It was mostly like Shenjara’s, only Will’s conclusion was not up to par. It felt rushed and seemed unrealistic, something that’ll explain more in Persona and Action.

CHARACTER

Dialogue.

5/10. The majority of the time, Shenjara said things I’d expect a person to say, which made her real enough. Only, sometimes, it got weird.


“As you can tell, I've noticed you. What is it you want with me?”

If he’s clearly noticed that she noticed him, why tell him at all? There’s another problem with this part, but I’ll elaborate in Action. Aside from talking like a normal (enough) human being, I can’t say that any of her lines stood out and gripped me, or told me more about what kind of a person she is. Your dialogue seems more passive than active, disconnected from what the character could be/is feeling while she speaks. An example would be: “I killed a man”, she cried out mirthfully atop the roofs. Compare that to ‘Mama, I killed a man! Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead!” Freddy Mercury sang in EIGHT OCTAVES, almost tearing on the stage.

Dramatization, but I think it conveys the right message. The Dialogue shouldn’t just be a character speaking, but a character translating its thoughts and emotions through a filter of reason – one of variable effectiveness, of course. Arajnehs’s dialogue spoke more of herself, though it tended on the cliché a bit too often. Her silence at the end, however, spoke more about her than even you might think.

4/10. I had a much harder time with Will here. In his dialogue, he was a bit fickle of personality, arrogant at first, then considering himself dead at the sight of the firebomb. When he talked to Shen for the first time, he seemed as an avenger, but then fell into the mold of the psychopath who enjoys the prolonged deaths of his victims. It was somewhat hackneyed, and it didn’t make his character as believable as Shen was.

Action.

5/10. Let’s return to that line I quoted in Dialogue. Now, why would she ask what he wants with her? She’s been in Radasanth for a while, she’s heard about the Citadel. She knows that people who go in are led into arenas by monks. She knows that they make arenas to fit the creativity of those who go in. You’d think that, with all that, she would know that people come there for a fight. Yet, she questions his presence? Even though Will himself didn’t know what the Citadel was for, I didn’t take Shen as the clueless kind.

The haywire firebomb situation ended in an anticlimactic way as well, since even while holding it off for so long, Will could still evade it. She’d have had a lot more luck with a normal Torch, considering she’d have more chances of striking and wouldn’t expend all of her powers in one risk-all shot. Otherwise, nothing seemed out of place, but it did lack a set of little details, such as quirks and the like.

4/10. I don’t understand why, after all the trouble he’d gone through to kill the girl, he didn’t wait at the door to follow her as she walked out and finish the damn job, once and for all. It was all so ‘ah, whatever’ that it actually put me in a huff. If he’d tried to do it, but then mulled over the idea so much that he then decided to let her go on, then I could live with that. That, however, was just going against what I learned about his character – which also warrants the deducted point from Persona.

Persona.

7/10. She was a little ball of fire, at least that I know. Somewhat sadistic, yes, but still within human bounds. The shining point of her humanity, however, was in the end, after she learned of her parents’ death. The complete shut-out of the outside world, ignoring even her friends, the complete loss of desire to do anything but lie on the bed and wallow in self-pity and loathing… that’s just how it is, and you described it well.

6/10. He was a bit fickle, but not enough to make me think it was due to an unsteady grasp of his character on your part. Or at least I’d say some of it is (as in the parts touched on previously in Action), but most of it was due to him being a naturally fickle fellow. He didn’t go for away from the sadistic demon killer stereotype, but I liked how he recognized Shenjara as a person who, had she been born a Daemon, would have been someone worth of honor. There was empathy in him, I’ll give him that.

WRITING STYLE

Technique.

5/10. Your style is straightforward, but it overlooks the finer points of the story. You don’t use a lot of rhetorical devices, but your grasp of the English language is, I’d say, above the average of the common Anglophone. Syntax is diversified, going from simple to semi-complex most of the time, and nothing seemed out of place. You’d improve very quickly here by experimenting with more metaphors and similes at first with the occasional analogy. Including more introspective narration would fulfill a double role of spicing things up and expanding on your characters persona.

Mechanics.

6.5/10. You made few mistakes compared to what I’ve read in other player’s threads before. The things I’ve mentioned in Technique also apply here. This is already better than some of the stuff I’ve seen, and you could go even higher if you played around with more varied and/or complex sentence structures and ended up with good results.

Clarity.

7.5/10. Clear as crystal meth (well, clearer than, actually: crystal meth isn’t quite so translucent – not that I would know). My only qualm: I wasn’t sure why two fireballs created with two different incantations are exactly the same. Is the second one imbued with the ability to fuse with the first one? Is the second one imbued with an explosive property? If so, then it doesn’t say so in your profile, which isn’t good: even if you did say it was something she thought of. To get out of that, you could have requested it at the end of the battle, or said that you’ll elaborate on the properties of Torch in your level update. Still, I’m not sure what’s the real explanation here, so I’ll just leave it at that and deduct a few points.

MISCELLANEOUS

Wild Card.

5/10. The average WC I give out is 4 points. What gave you one point above the average? It was a fresh enough read, where things were realistic in general, and where people weren’t depicted as over the top. There was also character growth in this, which is admittedly rare in battles.

TOTAL <commentary here>

Shenjara gets: 56.5/100!
Wilhelmhar von Scrunas Crinasi Tronarki Altrusin Nuskara gets: 52/100!

Shenjara wins!

EXP Rewards

Shenjara gets: 625 XP!
Wilhelmhar von Scrunas Crinasi Tronarki Altrusin Nuskara gets: 150 XP!

GP Rewards

Shenjara gets: 300 GP!
Wilhelmhar von Scrunas Crinasi Tronarki Altrusin Nuskara gets: 100 GP!

Other Rewards

Shenjara gets: a Power Star! Only 119 more until she unlocks Luigi!
Wilhelmhar von Scrunas Crinasi Tronarki Altrusin Nuskara gets: his name changed to Robert Bob!

I think you’ve improved here, compared to your last quest. You’ve excised the bulk of what didn’t work in the Potions Anonymous, and unknowingly added what was suggested. Good job!




Arajnehs had declared her presence back in Scara Brae. – Who’s Arajnehs? Oh look, it spells Shenjara backwards. Well, I still don’t know who Arajneh is. Post 3: Okay, I’m guessing this is an alternate personality, but how did that come to happen?

Just a comment: you summed up continuity to get it out of the way at the beginning. It’s not a bad thing, but there are ways to make it a more interesting read. Try a little narrative irony, or throw in some oh Shen’s thoughts on those events.

I wonder why Mac didn't follow me? It's probably some qualm about his honor... – Who’s Mac?

"Thank you. I will go in there now." He walked to the door, opened it, and stepped through. – This is an example of a thing you could skip over. It’s play by play of something most people consider as obvious and unnecessary, especially when someone says ‘I will go in there now’. On that note, it’s a pretty weird thing to say in and of itself.

"As you can tell, I've noticed you. What is it you want with me?" – She went into the Citadel willingly, knowing people were ‘escorted to their arenas’. How can she not guess that a stranger going into the arena she’d just had made wants to, well, do as every other person who uses the Citadel? Even if he’s there to murder her.

to be parted with – to part with (active sounds better than passive)

a ghosts voice – ghost’s

"Now then, little girl. Shall we play? It will be oh so much fun to watch you die slowly." – Cliché. His reason to kill her makes him more of an avenger or hunter, but this makes him sound like a mere psychopath. Heck, I don’t even know why he’s so hell-bent – excuse the pun – on decimating all that is Daimonic. Is it just because it’s linked to demons, which are bad, or because something bad’s happened to him related to that particular type of magic or creature? Next to last post: Oh, so he’s a Daemon. That’s something that could’ve been said… well, earlier.

that would definitely inhibit Willy, if it didn't kill him. – To inhibit is more akin to restraining on a psychological level than on a physical one, as you implied here.

It shown like a small star – it shone

gasp of breath. Blood flowed from her mouth along with the final breath of death – repeated word, breath

[Zook Murnig]

EXP/GP ADDED!

hamnat LEVELS UP!